SDN TRASHCAN Don't enter!

[pinktooth]

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[pinktooth]

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

 

[pinktooth]

Disclaimer:Al the above jokes have been written in first person but I have simply 'cut and paste' them from the emails Ithat I have recieved.Enjoy the jokes but don't relate them with me

 

[pinktooth]

Poverty is catching. You can get it from your kids.

 

[pinktooth]

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator...10 minutes longer...no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

 

[pinktooth]

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

 

[pinktooth]

When a woman spotted her husband standing on the bathroom scale holding his stomach in, she thought he was trying to reduce his weight and remarked, "That won't help you very much." "It most certainly will!" he replied. "It's the only way that I can read the numbers."

 

[pinktooth]

Having obtained last-minute tickets to a dance, I had only my lunch hour to buy an outfit to wear. With fifteen minutes left to shop, I came across a rack of assorted clothing not yet placed where they belonged in the store. I hastily picked out a red dress with black polka dots and stripes, made my purchase and rushed back to work. I wasn't sure if I should wear the short dress alone or with a pair of slacks so I asked my co-workers how they would wear it. "I'd wear it to bed," said a friend. "It's a nightgown."

 

[pinktooth]

Did you know that the sign in the rest room that says "WET FLOOR" is meant as a caution and not an instruction?

 

[pinktooth]

young girl, 8, was told she needed an X-ray after an incident. She went in and seemed especially nervous.

When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"

"Sure," said the girl. "It was great. I didn't even have to take my skin off!"

 

[pinktooth]

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train again!"

 

[pinktooth]

Parents are worried about the failing eyesight of their two teenagers. The daughter can't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can't find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.

 

[pinktooth]

Little Morris, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

Do you keep Kosher? Morris asked.

"I do." said the elderly lady.

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

 

[pinktooth]

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movies ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

[pinktooth]

Hey Ajay where are you?Busy studying?
didn't you post much lately..

 

[pinktooth]

I'll bet you'll think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," chided one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

 

[pinktooth]

Mary: My friend, Marie, reads all her newspapers on-line.

Jill: Well, that sounds convenient.

Mary: Yeah, but I tried it, and it's too hard for me to hold the computer while I'm on the toilet.

 

[pinktooth]

One afternoon shortly after I was married, the phone rang. "Collect call from Dorothy," said the operator. "Will you accept the charges?" Because I couldn't think of anyone named Dorothy, I said no and hung up. The phone rang again a moment later. "Hi, Brenda, it's Dorothy," said the familiar voice. "Your mother-in- law."

 

[pinktooth]

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British- passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners'line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

 

[pinktooth]

I am a disc jockey and one night when I was at the controls, a record began to skip. Before I could react, the needle scraped across the entire song leaving me with "dead-air" silence, a D.J.'s worst enemy. I grabbed the mike and shouted over the air: "All right which one of you listeners at home just bumped your radio and made my record skip?" After my little face-saving joke, I played another song. A few minutes later the switchboard operator came in to say that three people had called to apologize.

 

[pinktooth]

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

 

[pinktooth]

I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him. After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before. Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check. In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.