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- Sep 10, 2004
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Hi,
So Monday is my Pharmacology final. I seriously burned out. I had a death in my immediate family about a year ago and since then I split cut back to half time student status (which was a hard decision because I find it difficult to ever cut back from anything without feeling like I'm quitting or somehow deficient). Even still, I found it difficult to manage my pharmacology course, though it has been my favorite subject along with phys. So this past Friday was the final for everyone else and I only needed a 48% to pass the course. I could have easily done that. However I have had trouble getting above 60's and 70's on many of my exams this year no matter how hard I study. Lets just say I've never been much of a memorizer but I've been getting a little better over the last 2 years. Anyways, although I could have easily passed the course this past friday, I asked the dean to give me an extra day (or rather until Monday) for the exam just so that for my personal satisfaction I could build my confidence before going home for the summer by shooting for the class average or above. The dean was very supportive and said that the bottom line is I have hardly been capable of bringing my A game to my studies because I am still very much grief stricken (and I have been stubborn and refused to get counseling). I completely burned out because I have been studying for almost 8 days now for pretty much all my waking hours except when I eat at school or surf the net every few hours for 10 minutes to give myself a mental break. My nights have become days and vice versa. All I do is keep reading and reading and nothing seems to be retained. I took this exam very personally because I said, "let me give my best effort, and at least demonstrate to myself that I have the capability of accomplishing a certain positive performance given that I have put in my best efforts." Now based on practice tests, I'm looking at 60s. My heart and spirit are broken. I have serious doubts about my ability to be effective in learning the science of medicine. I feel like 2 years of my life has been in vain. I have not become that much better at becoming a memorizer. My classmates seem to pass me by all the time. Now, what bothers me is the principle...I tried my best, and I still came up short. I am not upset because I didn't learn this material so well, as I am aware that long term through repeated clinical exposures I will learn what I need to. I am upset because I have serious doubts about my intellectual, scientific capability and my potential to be a good doctor, not just an average to below average doctor.
bottom line, I tried so hard, and now I'm doubting my potential altogether.
My questions...
Is my doubt unfounded? Did I just put myself on a fools errand?
Is it really that unreasonable to take preclinical exam shortcomings so personally, when you put in your best effort? What sense am I to make when my best is not good enough in these preclinical exams?
I just don't know what to think anymore.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
frustrated M2 MD student
So Monday is my Pharmacology final. I seriously burned out. I had a death in my immediate family about a year ago and since then I split cut back to half time student status (which was a hard decision because I find it difficult to ever cut back from anything without feeling like I'm quitting or somehow deficient). Even still, I found it difficult to manage my pharmacology course, though it has been my favorite subject along with phys. So this past Friday was the final for everyone else and I only needed a 48% to pass the course. I could have easily done that. However I have had trouble getting above 60's and 70's on many of my exams this year no matter how hard I study. Lets just say I've never been much of a memorizer but I've been getting a little better over the last 2 years. Anyways, although I could have easily passed the course this past friday, I asked the dean to give me an extra day (or rather until Monday) for the exam just so that for my personal satisfaction I could build my confidence before going home for the summer by shooting for the class average or above. The dean was very supportive and said that the bottom line is I have hardly been capable of bringing my A game to my studies because I am still very much grief stricken (and I have been stubborn and refused to get counseling). I completely burned out because I have been studying for almost 8 days now for pretty much all my waking hours except when I eat at school or surf the net every few hours for 10 minutes to give myself a mental break. My nights have become days and vice versa. All I do is keep reading and reading and nothing seems to be retained. I took this exam very personally because I said, "let me give my best effort, and at least demonstrate to myself that I have the capability of accomplishing a certain positive performance given that I have put in my best efforts." Now based on practice tests, I'm looking at 60s. My heart and spirit are broken. I have serious doubts about my ability to be effective in learning the science of medicine. I feel like 2 years of my life has been in vain. I have not become that much better at becoming a memorizer. My classmates seem to pass me by all the time. Now, what bothers me is the principle...I tried my best, and I still came up short. I am not upset because I didn't learn this material so well, as I am aware that long term through repeated clinical exposures I will learn what I need to. I am upset because I have serious doubts about my intellectual, scientific capability and my potential to be a good doctor, not just an average to below average doctor.
bottom line, I tried so hard, and now I'm doubting my potential altogether.
My questions...
Is my doubt unfounded? Did I just put myself on a fools errand?
Is it really that unreasonable to take preclinical exam shortcomings so personally, when you put in your best effort? What sense am I to make when my best is not good enough in these preclinical exams?
I just don't know what to think anymore.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
frustrated M2 MD student
