Should we live together?

[Mixster]

Hi. I'm new here, so first, hello! Now to my question: my boyfriend is in M1. We've been together 2.5 years (the last .5 of which has been long distance because we live in different cities since he went to med school). I'm at a place professionally where I could move to his city this summer (i'm a teacher). We're talking about living together, but he's worried about not having his own study space (unless we're extremely lucky and get into campus family housing, we probably couldn't afford a 2 bedroom very easily on just my teacher's salary). Has anyone been through something similar? What are the pros and cons of living together...especially as the stress increases in M2? Thanks for helping me think this through!

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[BerlinNeuro]

If you've been together for 2.5 years and you have a serious relationship, then living together should be a welcome situation for you both. I know some will disagree with me, but I've been in long distance relationships for both short and very long periods (including now) and quite frankly it sucks. IMO it's much harder to live apart, because honestly he's not going to have a lot of free weekends and breaks to take off. I lived with my ex before and it's challenging at first to make a schedule of expectations, but you do it, and before you know it, it's not an issue. It's much harder to maintain the distance. I'm an M2 and this year is A LOT more time consuming than first year study wise. Who cares about bedroom number 2? That's what libraries, study halls, computer labs, etc.. are for. Also, just put a desk in your bedroom, and if he needs quiet, stick to the kitchen or living room. This is not a make or break situation, and if you think it is, maybe you're not ready to move in together in the first place. Make yourself happy. Life's short, why waste time worrying about silly details like where to have the desk set up.

 

[Constellation]

Obviously you and your boyfriend are the only ones who know for sure whether it's the right time to move in... but... I know a couple different people in my husband's class who had their girlfriend/fiances move in between the first and second years. That seems like a good time for many people, because it's basically their last real summer break for a while.
As for the studying, I know people who've worked it out in all different ways. In my situation, my husband studies on campus (his school is right across the street from family/student housing). I know other people who've gotten 2 bedrooms and designated one room as a office, but obviously not everyone's going to be able to pull that off. I think someone ahead of me already said this, but don't let that be a determining factor in whether or not you move in. His studying habits will shift to fit the situation no matter what.

Good luck!

 

[xanthines]

As others have said, only you and boy know what's best for you. You say you probably couldn't afford a 2br on your salary. If you move in with him would be expected to cover the entire rent? Some other things to think about are his study habits. Does he like studying at home? If so, does he like studying in groups? You don't want 3-6 med students keeping you up until 3am on a school night!

I agree with Constellation that the summer is probably a good time to move in. I'm also in a long distance relationship and I'd give pretty much anything to move back in with the SO. BerlinNeuro is right that he won't have a lot of free time (or money for that matter!) for traveling. If you can find a good living situation, I think it would probably be beneficial to the both of you.

-X

Hi. I'm new here, so first, hello! Now to my question: my boyfriend is in M1. We've been together 2.5 years (the last .5 of which has been long distance because we live in different cities since he went to med school). I'm at a place professionally where I could move to his city this summer (i'm a teacher). We're talking about living together, but he's worried about not having his own study space (unless we're extremely lucky and get into campus family housing, we probably couldn't afford a 2 bedroom very easily on just my teacher's salary). Has anyone been through something similar? What are the pros and cons of living together...especially as the stress increases in M2? Thanks for helping me think this through!

 

[Neuronix]

The only con I've had with living together is when it ends. Make sure you live in a place you could individually afford, as it really sucks when you're tied to a place with someone you don't want to live with. Also, don't start making long term plans like pets until you're married or what not. Another little kittie in the shelter because "Well I broke up with my bf and where I'm going won't take cats" and my heart my break. i.e. Remember this is still your boyfriend.

I've lived in studios and 1BRs together before and didn't have a problem (other than fitting everything in!), but I pretty much never study at my place.

 

[Mixster]

Thanks for the insight. in the end, i know it has to be up to us. Is there anyone who has opted to live with a SO, and wishes they hadn't because it put extra stress on the relationship along with med school?

 

[Old_Mil]

Hi. I'm new here, so first, hello! Now to my question: my boyfriend is in M1. We've been together 2.5 years (the last .5 of which has been long distance because we live in different cities since he went to med school). I'm at a place professionally where I could move to his city this summer (i'm a teacher). We're talking about living together, but he's worried about not having his own study space (unless we're extremely lucky and get into campus family housing, we probably couldn't afford a 2 bedroom very easily on just my teacher's salary). Has anyone been through something similar? What are the pros and cons of living together...especially as the stress increases in M2? Thanks for helping me think this through!

Pros: You'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt just what sort of person you are with if you are around them 24/7.

Cons: Getting out is more complicated.

 

[DallasMedic]

Thanks for the insight. in the end, i know it has to be up to us. Is there anyone who has opted to live with a SO, and wishes they hadn't because it put extra stress on the relationship along with med school?

He may be in med school but what about you? You going to be uprooting from where you live now to a whole new city, are you expecting to automatically be part of his "group" there, there may be a lot of nights and weekends where you want to go out and he has to study..... make sure you are going for the right reasons.

 

[Mixster]

He may be in med school but what about you? You going to be uprooting from where you live now to a whole new city, are you expecting to automatically be part of his "group" there, there may be a lot of nights and weekends where you want to go out and he has to study..... make sure you are going for the right reasons.

I guess I just wonder what the right reasons are. If the right reasons are that SF is a cool city, and that I love him, I guess I am going for the right reasons. But it does scare me to know that I won't fully understand how stressful it may be for me until I'm living it.

 

[TainoMDWife]

I guess I just wonder what the right reasons are. If the right reasons are that SF is a cool city, and that I love him, I guess I am going for the right reasons. But it does scare me to know that I won't fully understand how stressful it may be for me until I'm living it.

Yes Mixster, you won't truly know the stress until you're living it. Only you know yourself and your character and how you handle pressure, not to sound pessimistic, you are with someone who will become completely enthralled in his academic dream. You are also moving without a support group and will need to establish one; with your profession it may be easier or if you are religious you can vibe on that (it often pulls me through hardships), this website helps me somewhat maybe it can help you.
This is a complete life changing experience for you both in extremely different ways, the responsibilities will be carried by you and your SO and finding how you both work it out while you're both transitioning to a new life may be a tough road to travel.
Remember that you may have to a certain extent "take a number" with worries, concerns, excitements, outings, and other stuff when it comes to timing and your SO studying and exams.

If I leave you with anything it would be that with strong determination on both your parts to keep this relationship in love and understanding of one another, you'll pull through.

I can only speak from my experience and I'm still traveling the tough road only to learn and adjust.
Good Luck!!!

 

[dnl425]

I would think M2 is a pretty stressful year with Step 1 at the end of that year as well. It sounds like your bf prefers to study at home and likes his space and peace and quiet, which is obviously his preference and there's nothing wrong with that. However, I think he's basically hinting that he prefers things a certain way in terms of his studying. Is is a possibility to move next year instead? Maybe spend the summer with him, but don't move until he starts M3 when he begins rotations and will be "working" outside the house.

 

[mtDNA]

I hate to say it, but there are gonna be some serious problems if he does all of his studying at home, and you guys are living together in a small space. The average day of a motivated med student involves studying pretty much the whole day through, at least during the week. Are you going to be happy sitting quietly with him for that long? everyday? I don't think it makes any sense. You guys either need a place that is big enough for you to be doing your own thing without being a distraction to him, or he needs to learn how to study at the library (the best solution in my opinion, it tends to be more efficient anyway, because there are ALWAYS distractions at home).