Significant other's condescending behavior

[MDToBe22]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

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[spicysrirachapeas]

Sounds like a dealbreaker, tbh.

 

[IMakedThese]

 

[takeurmeds02]

Yea, not cool. You don't need those vibes in your life.

 

[Mad Jack]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Sounds like she sucks. Talk to her about it and let her know how you feel, but if she's legitimately this condescending and incapable of change, it'd be a dealbreaker for anyone with even a modicum of self-respect.

 

[bannie22]

Yeah. Id just tell SO directly how SO is being really bossy etc if it doesnt work out i would move on

 

[AnatomyGrey12]

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Call her on it, if she doesn't change then it's time to drop the ban-hammer. Oh and go get a 270 Step 1 for good measure.

 

[Goro]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Dump her right now or the rest of your life will be a living hell. You've been warned.

 

[IsWhat]

Dump her right now or the rest of your life will be a living hell. You've been warned.

Yup.

OP, don't believe the Disney fairytales - people with these character traits rarely change.

 

[ALLMIGHT_SMASH]

Do a lot of people at top 20 schools get big egos? This girl sounds like a bad time....

 

[deleted480308]

1. Advice isn't necessarily condescending
2. Her relative matriculation success may mean she actually does no better
3. If you want a career mentor, she might work. Dump her as a girlfriend though unless she drops t immediately , whether she's right or not you don't mesh with whatever she's doing

 

[ACSurgeon]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Is this a long term relationship? If so, consider this a preview to marriage. Wife gets her way.

In all seriousness though, if this was a good relationship and you think this isn't like her, try to talk this out. She might just be a little blinded with joy/pride/ whatever and not realize how she's coming across. Getting into any US med school is a great accomplishment.

If this becomes the "new her" or if this was her all along and you're just seeing it for the first time, then quit and move on. You don't need this in your life as you go through he next 7-15 years of medical education.

 

[nowanmd]

Just remember this "the better school is the cheaper school"

 

[frozenbananas]

It's what you put into it, in my opinion

 

[Major]

Sack up and Call her out on it. If Things don't change then you know what to do...

 

[deleted689233]

All roads lead to one option: You must get a better Step 1 score than her, then text her daily unsolicited advice on school, medicine, and life, all with an extremely pretentious tone.

 

[Redpancreas]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

OP, this is what you signed up for in medicine. Because you are at a lower-ranked school, you are at the bottom of the totem pole in your relationship. Pay attention to everything she says because it is all gold. Also, be thankful that you are with her because as a result, it is your only hope for prestige mobility when hopefully she if agrees to couples-match with you in residency.


Seriously though, you don't need this in life. In general, when I look at those who are truly successful in life, they're hardly ever surrounding by influences who criticize them. Ground, yes...but there's a big difference between keeping someone grounded and making them feel inferior which leads to loss of self-esteem and from there depression, loss of focus, and ultimately poor performance.

 

[futuremdforme]

All roads lead to one option: You must get a better Step 1 score than her, then text her daily unsolicited advice on school, medicine, and life, all with an extremely pretentious tone.

YES!

 

[machete fred]

lol where are y'all finding people like this? I can't imagine my SO saying anything like that and if they did it would be a huge red flag to me

 

[Med student 18]

deal breaker man.

 

[Med Ed]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Tell her that if she's so smart then she should know better than to be an a-hole to someone she ostensibly cares about.

 

[Goro]

Tell her that if she's so smart then she should know better than to be an a-hole to someone she ostensibly cares about.

 

[mwsapphire]

I'd say inform her that just b/c she made it a top school doesn't mean she'll automatically be more succesful as a doc ( she can still fail step I, she can still be at the bottom of her class, whereas you can be at the top and have a 260 step.).
Oh and inform her that she comes across as condescending, and give her a chance to change. She may just be "riding the high" for a bit before coming back down. Then dump her ass.
*hug*

 

[wholeheartedly]

So, not there to see this first hand, but for another perspective is it possible she's just freaking out a bit thinking maybe it's going to be harder for you guys to wind up together in the same place in the future and is now overcompensating by being overly helpful with the advice? I can easily see this happening.

Not that that excuses anything, but that might mean it's fixable whereas if she's just being condescending thinking she's better than you that becomes a gamechanger.

I'd flat out ask her wth is up and go from there.

 

[CCresearcher]

Presuming you'd otherwise still want to be with her, I'd start with giving her the benefit of the doubt. Although her behavior is unquestionably terrible, we've all unintentionally been condescending jerks once in a while, and she might genuinely not realize how she's acting. So just let her know what she's doing and how it makes you feel, and see what happens.

But then certainly if she doesn't stop, or stops briefly then starts again, it's time to move on. Your partner should be on your team and be proud of your accomplishments, full stop.

Good luck! Hope it was all just temporary, inadvertent bitchiness.

 

[ChemEngMD]

$50 says this is equal parts her being condescending and OP's ego being bruised/his insecurities coming out because he has officially decided to attend a lower ranked school. I would wager she was acting the same way before but you're only becoming cognoscente of it now because now you take it personally.

Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you're the same person you were last month or last year and that no admissions committee determines your worth. Then, if you legitimately feel like she has just generally turned into an ***hole all of a sudden - get out. But I think if you take the time and think back on it, she was probably always stuck up about attending a top school - you just didn't take it personally because you assumed you would be too.

 

[shortcoatdream15]

Is what you put in quotes a direct quote?

I'm not sure SDN is the best place to go for relationship advice..if something about your girlfriend's behavior has changed and/or is making you feel bad about yourself, you have two options. You can either talk to her about it or break up.

 

[Lexicon0]

Is she an upperclassman/ahead of you in med school? Maybe now that you've finalized on a school for matriculation she's just giving you some advice on how to approach your coursework and this has nothing to do with which school you attend?

 

[DrDarce]

idk if this has been suggested in previous posts but you need to wait it out. wait it out for 2 years and score better than her on step and then give her advice on how to study effectively

*EDIT: nevermind @CollegeSoze already came through with the sage advice

 

[DropMets]

She now gives OP advice on not only academics, but "just in everyday life", and made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school".

Taken at face value, she's bad news, brother. It may come from a genuine place, but that is not great behavior. She needs to be made aware of her actions, either because you want to work on the relationship, or because, although you may be dumping her, it's fair, and proper, to let her know so that she can work on it.

Also, would be 10/10 to get the point across if you told her using the quote posted earlier in this thread regarding her being smart enough to realize she should not be an a-hole to somebody she cares about. It's nice to have a little sweep, yourself, eh?

Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[doctorleospaceman]

Without knowing all the details I'll play devil's advocate and say maybe she is just genuinely trying to help and give you pointers seeing as she is already a successful student in medical school while you're just starting out. Academic advice can be useful and whether you like it or not your everyday life will be strongly tied to medical school. You should talk to her about this, not us.

 

[akinetopsia]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

For what it's worth, contempt/disgust are pretty major red flags for a healthy relationship (see John Gottmann's research). The way you're phrasing this makes it sound like it's her problem, not yours. So she has let you know where it stands. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably break it off. But that's easier said than done. Good luck, OP.

 

[mistafab]

Lots of good insight in this thread OP. Hope it works out well for you. Best of luck - let us know what you do!

 

[Tsunnami]

if this was a good relationship and you think this isn't like her, try to talk this out. She might just be a little blinded with joy/pride/ whatever and not realize how she's coming across.

If this becomes the "new her" or if this was her all along and you're just seeing it for the first time, then quit and move on.

Best advice so far.

I know how difficult it is to handle such personalities, but trust me that everyone makes mistakes.
Sure, being condescending is a very rude thing, but it just a mistake, like everything else. A person who is condescending shouldn't be labeled forever, because it can be just a passing thing and as @lazymed pointed out, it can be just an accumulation of post-traumatic stress and narrow-mindedness.

You know I have a very good friend who gets incredibly rude when she is in high-pressure situations. She made things for which others would have probably left her and label her as "b*tchy", "egotistical" and "evil", but I decided to not do this. Instead, I always wait for the clouds to pass so that she can clear her mind. When she does this, suddenly she becomes the lovely person that I first met.
Sometimes when I said her in a fun way that "You're really bad sometimes, you know that ?", she replied to me "I guess, life has made me that way."
While I agree it's not a justification and we all must own who we become, I genuinely believe that every person should be analyzed only by taking into consideration his/her own life, because only then you can truly understand why he/she has become like that.
Sure, not many people stop to think about things like that, but don't ever expect to understand someone if you aren't willing to dive deep.
People are not made up by a static psychological profile , but a dynamic one : everything they experience shapes them in a certain way.
When a person behaves in a certain way, I always think about :
" What type of life did this person have ? "
" What experiences shaped her thinking and in what way ? "
" How was she educated ? What paradigms did her parents teach her ? "
" What is the core of her being ? What are her inner fears and wishes ? "
" How introspective is she ? Does she even realize what she is doing ? "

Sure, it's way easier to just say "Hey, just dump her, bro"
But who said that dealing with people was supposed to be easy ?
Enjoy the challenge !

 

[Gorne]

Personally, I avoid dating in medicine for this exact reason. Pretentious, immature, socially regressed, doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the weirdos you come across.

Then you get to place catheters all day and get to come him to your SO telling you about how they placed catheters all day.

TL;DR - date a stripper

 

[NontradCA]

Borderline Personality Disorder. Let me guess: You've been together about 6 months. In the beginning everything was great and she seemed too good to be true. Then slowly red flags start to pop up. Goodnight sweet prince.

Run like hell man.

 

[Donald Juan]

If you think it's bad now, wait until she becomes a dermatologist and you become a hospitalist.

On the other hand, this may not be her being condescending. Maybe it's just you being overly insecure about your place in the relationship now that she is objectively better than you at everything. Either way, you ought to get out. Go find a nice teacher or physical therapist or something. Avoid the nurse curse.

 

[ACSurgeon]

Personally, I avoid dating in medicine for this exact reason. Pretentious, immature, socially regressed, doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the weirdos you come across.

Then you get to place catheters all day and get to come him to your SO telling you about how they placed catheters all day.

TL;DR - date a stripper

If you think it's bad now, wait until she becomes a dermatologist and you become a hospitalist.

On the other hand, this may not be her being condescending. Maybe it's just you being overly insecure about your place in the relationship now that she is objectively better than you at everything. Either way, you ought to get out. Go find a nice teacher or physical therapist or something. Avoid the nurse curse.

Dating a medical student seems to be a terrible idea.

Marrying a resident though seems to workout well. By that point, most people have matured as much as they're going to, so you'd know if you're marrying a crazy person or not.

Two attending salaries= great gig.

Avoid nurses, for sure.

PA's also make for great spouses. Much better mindset than nurses (infinitely), potentially better life style than physicians, and still nice income and a partner who can relate to your job.

 

[Anti-PD1]

Bye. Felicia.

 

[Anti-PD1]

Dating a medical student seems to be a terrible idea.

Marrying a resident though seems to workout well. By that point, most people have matured as much as they're going to, so you'd know if you're marrying a crazy person or not.

Two attending salaries= great gig.

Avoid nurses, for sure.

PA's also make for great spouses. Much better mindset than nurses (infinitely), potentially better life style than physicians, and still nice income and a partner who can relate to your job.

Explain the nurse thing.

 

[GregPikitis]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Dump her. Find someone better.

 

[DrDarce]

Don't listen to them about nurses. Go get yourself one

 

[GnomeBeGone]

You're going about this all wrong - post in the Derm section talking about how you had a 260 and took a research year so you could try to couples match with your S/O (who was a year behind you), but had to scramble into.. idk .. anesthesia, since your S/O goes to a low ranked school--and how this has ruined your future despite all the effort you put into them.

Don't worry OP, you'll be single in no time !

 

[flightnurse2MD]

Like my granddaddy always used to say, break it off with her and find someone hotter and younger....

 

[AlbinoHawk DO]

She lost respect for you as a man since she's been conditioned all her life that a man must be on top every way. She'll be this way for some time until she finds a new guy then kick you out of the picture

 

[Brorthopedic]

She lost respect for you as a man since she's been conditioned all her life that a man must be on top every way. She'll be this way for some time until she finds a new guy then kick you out of the picture

This sounds overly specific... Anything you want to tell us bro

 

[Redpancreas]

This sounds overly specific... Anything you want to tell us bro

I mean not really I feel. Basically, he's saying that she's been raised to think men ought to be the bread-winner, and since she's projecting herself to be higher up than OP, she's lost respect for him as a man, I guess. Not saying I agree, but it's pretty common generalization that I'm sure many guys with high achieving wives may feel.

 

[jordansnfootbal]

View attachment 220791

YOOOOOOOO IM OUTTA HERE LMAO

 

[dpmd]

This is probably the best place to ask this question. I'll be attending a "lower tier" school next year, and my current significant other attends a much higher ranked school (top 20). Lately since making my decision, she's been behaving sort of differently: giving me "advice" about what I should be doing academically and just in my everyday life (which comes off as orders) and similar condescending behavior. I wrote this off as nothing, but lately she's made it clear that "she knows better because she goes to a better school."

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this. Help?

Did she actually say that, or is it just your interpretation (which as was pointed out above may be colored by your own feelings of inadequacy for not getting in to a "better" school). Is it really condescending to give someone you care about advice that is seeking to help them do well, or are you just reading it as such because you are bitter about where you got in? You should think about what exactly about what she says is bothering you before talking with her about it. Or you could just start a huge fight (the predictable result of calling someone condescending for stuff they think is being helpful) and break up.

 

[Donald Juan]

Explain the nurse thing.

Go look at a class of attractive, kind nursing students. Now go look at the nurses on the floor in their 40s and 50s. Realize that this is what your young cute nurse wife will become. Hence the "nurse curse."