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Significiant other?

Started by katiesb
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katiesb

katiesb

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Hello. Is anyone planning on bringing a significant other to live with them when they go to med school? A husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc? Anyone know how common it is to live with a spouse during med school? Or are most people single, kinda like freshman year all over?
 
I am married and my wife will be joining me. I was wasn't planning on becoming a doctor when we got engaged, but she still married me after I told her I wanted to quit my full-time job and go to medical school!
 
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My wife and children will be joining me. I also know of several med students that are married or living with someone. It is more common in DO schools. I look at it as a support, as my wife's job will help pay the bills and I will always have her and the kids to come home to. Will keep my drive strong.
 
DO schools have bit higher average student age, and thus more wives/husbands/kids. You'll have lots of married peers in your class. Actually, I've heard lots of single DO students complain that "too many classmates are married." The complainers are also the ones that are happy to have the other programs within the same school, like RN, OT, etc. for potential dating opportunities. 😀
 
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I am getting married about a month before most schools start... so yeah she will be coming too.
 
Med school is not going to be like freshman year of college. Most will not live on-campus. A lot more people have long-term partners at this point in their lives than in undergrad. Someone said "not everyone is 22...." and that is right. I just got married and will be bringing my husband with me.
 
I am applying with my sig other. He applied to MD schools the last two years and was rejected. He applied late and with no clinical exp.... He's really interested in DO and is applying with a 3.9 and 35R. Hopefully I will be able to drag his cute butt with me. My stats are a bit lower, but I have gobs of clinical stuff and having been wanting to go DO for a long time and have worked hard.

I don't know the probability of getting into the same school, but it sounds like from this thread DO school are pretty amenable to supporting their students in this way.
 
My g/f moved to Philly with me from Chicago when it was time to start medical school. We moved in together and have found the new lifestyle can be straining at times due to studying/responsibilities, but by no means is too difficult to maintain a relationship. I think the big reason things are working is we make sure to make time for each other and make sure to communicate with as much as possible. Also, she decided to go back to school to get her masters as a nurse practitioner. If your significant other has thought about going back to school it might be a good idea to do at the same time. I have found it to be great because you both have a common goal you want to accomplish and are going through it at the same time.
 
Just FYI to those that are planning to get married right before med school and rely on the spouse for support...

Consider that nowadays 60% of all marriages end in divorce. If she/he supports you during med school he/she will be entitled to a large portion of your income until they day you die.

Don't do it.
 
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It didn't cross my mind that there would be many married couples in med school until I went to my interviews...I was pretty surprised.

My GF will not be accompanying me but we are giving the long distance thing the old college try.
 
sithr said:
It didn't cross my mind that there would be many married couples in med school until I went to my interviews...I was pretty surprised.

My GF will not be accompanying me but we are giving the long distance thing the old college try.
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I am leaving a gf in my city and we'll be doing the long distance thing. Its only 2.5 hours away so I'm hoping it'll be doable. I've considered popping the question to ensure that it will HAVE to work out but I think that it would be dumb bc it would be for all the wrong reasons. I guess if we can't work out a couple years of school (I'll be able to rotate in her city) thats in the same state, we probably aren't supposed to be together anyway.
 
Wifey faithfully follows me thru this painstaking process...planning on having our first child next year. 🙂
 
Octagonecology said:
Just FYI to those that are planning to get married right before med school and rely on the spouse for support...

Consider that nowadays 60% of all marriages end in divorce. If she/he supports you during med school he/she will be entitled to a large portion of your income until they day you die.

Don't do it.
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That percentage is a little high...more like 45 percent. Still bad though.
 
If you got married knowing you had a future in medicine and you didn't explain how things would be well enough and you get divorced because of stress, lack of time together, or any other excuse med school might bring - it's your own fault. Your spouse or future spouse needs to understand your relationship will be much different in med school and be willing to accept that. Otherwise, yeah, you probably will be getting that divorce.
 
Brocimus said:
If you got married knowing you had a future in medicine and you didn't explain how things would be well enough and you get divorced because of stress, lack of time together, or any other excuse med school might bring - it's your own fault. Your spouse or future spouse needs to understand your relationship will be much different in med school and be willing to accept that. Otherwise, yeah, you probably will be getting that divorce.
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Married with two kids...one of them a special needs child, though high functioning. Wife got undergrad and teaching degree and now finishing up her masters. She has a couple one week classes that will overlap my first year. I supported her through it and every time she felt guilty and wanted to stop and get a regular job, I just said "don't give up on your dream......" At that point I had no idea I was going to medical school.

We talk about it almost daily. I think I am more worried than she is. I just don't want things to get too out of whack. We have made it through some rough times, as most marriages endure, so I am confident, but worried.

I think the most important thing is that you prioritize your time......school then family though that order may have to change some days depending on how big the first is.....the other things like social time, free time and sleep will suffer.
 
punkiedad said:
Married with two kids...one of them a special needs child, though high functioning. Wife got undergrad and teaching degree and now finishing up her masters. She has a couple one week classes that will overlap my first year. I supported her through it and every time she felt guilty and wanted to stop and get a regular job, I just said "don't give up on your dream......" At that point I had no idea I was going to medical school.

We talk about it almost daily. I think I am more worried than she is. I just don't want things to get too out of whack. We have made it through some rough times, as most marriages endure, so I am confident, but worried.

I think the most important thing is that you prioritize your time......school then family though that order may have to change some days depending on how big the first is.....the other things like social time, free time and sleep will suffer.
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Sounds like you have a good outlook, plan, and support system, man! 👍

From all of the med students and docs I've spoken to, they all say that your grades will probably suffer a bit to maintain the quality of your relationship, but that they wouldn't have had it any other way.

The ones who said they sacrificed the family in favor of med school and then their career say that the marriage suffered (usually irreparably) and they'd change everything if they could go back in time. Sad.
 
PunkmedGirl said:
That percentage is a little high...more like 45 percent. Still bad though.
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I'm saying though punkmed, would you really want to wager your entire life's earnings and possessions on what amounts to the flip of a coin?

I just don't understand why people need to get married in or before medical school. Why not just live together or keep dating?
 
Octagonecology said:
I'm saying though punkmed, would you really want to wager your entire life's earnings and possessions on what amounts to the flip of a coin?

I just don't understand why people need to get married in or before medical school. Why not just live together or keep dating?
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Way wrong attitude if you're looking at marriage as potentially losing earnings. People get married because they love each other and aren't afraid of accepting family responsibilities. Those responsibilities include sticking with each other even when things get rough.
 
Octagonecology said:
I'm saying though punkmed, would you really want to wager your entire life's earnings and possessions on what amounts to the flip of a coin?

I just don't understand why people need to get married in or before medical school. Why not just live together or keep dating?
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Well that's your opinion about marriage. But the fact is probably half of those marriages that end in divorce should have never been married in the first place. I think alot of people don't realize how much work it takes to really keep a marriage together and so you end up with this high divorce rate. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be content with being someone's girlfriend or shacking up for 20 years versus getting married. Basically your telling your woman, Oh, your good enough to screw and live with, but your just not that good enough to commit my life to.
 
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Brocimus said:
Way wrong attitude if you're looking at marriage as potentially losing earnings. People get married because they love each other and aren't afraid of accepting family responsibilities. Those responsibilities include sticking with each other even when things get rough.
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Those are all very idealistic and flowery opinions. But in fact there is simply a 50:50 chance you will end up in financial ruin and completely miserable.

One of my dad's clients is a cardiologist who pays 80% of his income to his ex-wife who currently resides in their old house with her tennis instructor who she left the guy for.

The tennis instructor has made it known that the doctor is not permitted on the property and drives his old porsche. The doctor has no re-course and will forever pay almost all his money to enrich the ex and whomever she is sleeping with at the time.

This is the reality of getting married in medical school.
 
That's horrible! We have a family friend neurologist who is in the same boat. total 80% to wife number one and two, who now has a girlfriend.:laugh::laugh:

This may be off topic, but does anyone thing that medical school might be emotionally stunting? I know when I am studying like 9+ hrs a day, I don't have time to feel much of anything much less bring much introspection. I wonder if this is to some extent what can happen to a relationship in medical school. ??


I lost my twin brother to addiction this year and am studying for my mcat retake. In some ways its it good because I have to focus 100% on moving forward with my life- and making a life for myself that I want. But, if I want to process anything about that loss, I have to take a whole day off. I think the day to day nuances of a relationship will take careful and deliberate attention.

If we can mindfully separate out what our relationship needs and recognize that wonderful supportive relationship are just that, wonderful and supportive.... then marriage should be ok if we are able to be consistent with that intent. Maybe for some its easier to be consistent with that intent when we are not married because the outside pressure to be a good husband/ wife is less, and we can enjoy the relationship for just what it is.

So I can't really say if marriage is better. Do what feels right future doctors! What has integrity to you? What feels right to you.

I am still working on this one:laugh:
 
Octagonecology said:
Those are all very idealistic and flowery opinions. But in fact there is simply a 50:50 chance you will end up in financial ruin and completely miserable.

One of my dad's clients is a cardiologist who pays 80% of his income to his ex-wife who currently resides in their old house with her tennis instructor who she left the guy for.

The tennis instructor has made it known that the doctor is not permitted on the property and drives his old porsche. The doctor has no re-course and will forever pay almost all his money to enrich the ex and whomever she is sleeping with at the time.

This is the reality of getting married in medical school.
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Whoa, dude. Don't take your outlook on the world from one crazy situation! Marriage certainly isn't a "coin flip." If it is for someone, they should just keep the quarter in their pocket and say "see ya" to whoever's time they're currently wasting.
 
Yes, I agree. It's important to look at these rates as they give us a picture of how challenging a marriage is during medical school (... I would imagine. I am neither right now).

You know what I am wondering? ... Sometimes our anxieties about one big changing part of our life can bleed over and have us worry to excessively about other things that either haven't occurred yet, or that we are really not ready for.

Just focus you energy on this new process of starting medical school, one day at a time--😳 and all the good stuff this new experience brings you. Know that you'll be able to make a really good grounded decision that you feel good about when you are ready. And yes, to some extent that a bit of worry is normal, but where is your worry right now- really?
 
Octagonecology said:
I'm saying though punkmed, would you really want to wager your entire life's earnings and possessions on what amounts to the flip of a coin?

I just don't understand why people need to get married in or before medical school. Why not just live together or keep dating?
Click to expand...

Flip of a coin are you kidding me? That implies that you have no control whatsoever over the outcome of your marriage. I got married pretty young, have my third kid on the way next month, and will be starting med school in august. A lot of people think i'm crazy but that's just how it worked out for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. After a long day of studying and working there's nothing better than coming home to your favorite people in the world. Marriage takes effort. You decide your own marital fate. Yes, a lot of people get divorced, but that in no way means that you have to. Marriage may not be your thing, but having experienced both ways (single & married), I can say that I MUCH prefer the married life.
 
Thriller said:
Flip of a coin are you kidding me? That implies that you have no control whatsoever over the outcome of your marriage. I got married pretty young, have my third kid on the way next month, and will be starting med school in august. A lot of people think i'm crazy but that's just how it worked out for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. After a long day of studying and working there's nothing better than coming home to your favorite people in the world. Marriage takes effort. You decide your own marital fate. Yes, a lot of people get divorced, but that in no way means that you have to. Marriage may not be your thing, but having experienced both ways (single & married), I can say that I MUCH prefer the married life.
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I am happy that you found a really happy marriage. I am sure that that is what all of us strive for. When I mention the coin flip I am just referring to the statistics. 50:50 same odds as a flip.

I'm sure everyone "wants it to work" like you eluded, but sometimes (well half the time) it just doesn't. I'm sure the 50% who got divorced worked very hard at saving it and just couldn't. Divorce is so gut-wrenchingly miserable and destroys the poor kids if their involved....

IMHO it just isn't worth it. Then again, I am jaded. Can you tell?

Punkmed I'm not sure if you were referring to me about being young and needing to learn but I am 34 and have been around the block...
 
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My overall opinion is not to get married prior to a large commitment simply as a means to gain some sort of "insurance" for your relationship. If marriages fail this often, an engagement ring isn't going to keep it all together. The best thing you can do (assuming you're not already married) is to do your best to stay together throughout medical school. If you can manage to get through all of that, and in the end still look forward to seeing your SO at the end of the day...well, then save some money and find that pretty ring. 😉
 
~50% of people don't get into med school either, but we still try right? Some try harder than others. I realize that divorce will have a much more devastating impact on your life than not getting into med school, but a good marriage also has the possibility to enrich your life more than medicine. I realize its hard to compare the two, but would you tell people to not even try getting into med school because after the years of effort and hard work there's still only a 50% chance they'll get accepted?

I do see your point though and I admit that no marriage is invincible. But since we're on opposite sides of the debate I have to voice my positive views of marriage. Just my luck though I'll start med school in august, my marriage will fall apart, and I'll become just as jaded as you 🙂.
 
Thriller said:
I realize its hard to compare the two, but would you tell people to not even try getting into med school because after the years of effort and hard work there's still only a 50% chance they'll get accepted?
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You can't just say there's only a 50% chance of getting in, which makes it sound like a coin flip. There are many variables between applicants and the selection process is not random.
 
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Just to add to this discussion with another real world example,

My father was 40 when he started med school in 1990 at DMU, with my mom and my two sisters in tow (ya thats a family). So you can manage a relationship in med school.....and residency...and fellowship.....and fellowship II. Even though we moved around alot as a family, I dont think anyone from my mother to any of my sibilings regrets my father changing his career. He is now a very happy interventional cardiologist (thats for all the "you cant specialize with a DO" naysayers.)

So bring the sig other.... personally I'm single and glad my school has the other programs (good call cbear)

IamAriDO
 
MarieMarie said:
You can't just say there's only a 50% chance of getting in, which makes it sound like a coin flip. There are many variables between applicants and the selection process is not random.
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True. Just like getting divorced is not a coin flip. There are many variables that go into a marriage making it or not. Better applicants = higher acceptance rate. Maturity, effort, selflessness, understanding, etc. = greater chance of a successful marriage.
 
To answer the original question: it may depend on the school, but it is fairly common for students to have a significant other. At USUHS, half of the student body is married. Same for Rocky Vista. These are the only two schools I know specific stats for.
 
I'm married and will be 26-27 when I matriculate. The two DO schools I visited said that many of their students were career changers, so the average age was higher. From visiting and speaking to some of the students, it's pretty common to meet people who are in relationships.

The comment about divorce stats... it could also be argued that we live in a time where divorce is socially acceptable. This can be good or bad depending on how you view it. But, sometimes it seems like some couples forget that there will be obstacles, down times.. and that a marriage takes work. I know I'm still a baby (25) but I was married when I was 19 - it's always going to take work from both sides.
 
chocolaterie said:
I'm married and will be 26-27 when I matriculate. The two DO schools I visited said that many of their students were career changers, so the average age was higher. From visiting and speaking to some of the students, it's pretty common to meet people who are in relationships.

The comment about divorce stats... it could also be argued that we live in a time where divorce is socially acceptable. This can be good or bad depending on how you view it. But, sometimes it seems like some couples forget that there will be obstacles, down times.. and that a marriage takes work. I know I'm still a baby (25) but I was married when I was 19 - it's always going to take work from both sides.
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that divorce part reminds me of some statistic floating around that says living together before marriage means you're more likely to divorce. if there is any truth to it, it's probably because a couple that believes it is immoral to live together before getting married is probably conservative on their views on divorce. so, they would probably only divorce if their spouse was beating the crap out of them, but would stay if they were just miserable but not abused. but a couple that is fine with living together before might be more fine with the thought of getting a divorce. i'm not saying that this second couple isn't going to try and work things out when the going gets tough, they might just be less tolerant of living in a miserable situation than the more conservative couple. and this is just an opinion, i don't have any statistics to back me up or anything.
 
Semicolon said:
My overall opinion is not to get married prior to a large commitment simply as a means to gain some sort of "insurance" for your relationship. If marriages fail this often, an engagement ring isn't going to keep it all together. The best thing you can do (assuming you're not already married) is to do your best to stay together throughout medical school. If you can manage to get through all of that, and in the end still look forward to seeing your SO at the end of the day...well, then save some money and find that pretty ring. 😉
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👍

I agree 100%. I am at a crossroad with my SO and part of me says to go ahead and propose/get married to "lock it down" before school starts so we don't lose things.

However, I realize that would be for all the wrong reasons. The way I'm looking at it, if we can keep it together for a couple years while I go through this, then yeah, maybe we are supposed to be together---at that point, we'll THINK about getting hitched.

I think nowadays, people absolutley rush to get married and often, it ends badly. If both mine and her parents (both divorced) aren't anough evidence, we have realized that we need to take it slow and not rush into anything; and only take that step when we are SURE that it's the right thing.


Sorry for the bad grammar
 
The Poet Sings said:
that divorce part reminds me of some statistic floating around that says living together before marriage means you're more likely to divorce. if there is any truth to it, it's probably because a couple that believes it is immoral to live together before getting married is probably conservative on their views on divorce. so, they would probably only divorce if their spouse was beating the crap out of them, but would stay if they were just miserable but not abused. but a couple that is fine with living together before might be more fine with the thought of getting a divorce. i'm not saying that this second couple isn't going to try and work things out when the going gets tough, they might just be less tolerant of living in a miserable situation than the more conservative couple. and this is just an opinion, i don't have any statistics to back me up or anything.
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About the likelihood of divorce after living with each other...I believe that the more in depth statistics from the studies that produced those results show that if you separate the non married couples into two groups, you'll see a different result. The two groups are "planned on marriage at the time of moving in" and "didn't plan on marriage at that time." The group with marriage intentions was significantly less likely to get a divorce when compared to the other group or the population in general.
 
Chocolate Bear said:
About the likelihood of divorce after living with each other...I believe that the more in depth statistics from the studies that produced those results show that if you separate the non married couples into two groups, you'll see a different result. The two groups are "planned on marriage at the time of moving in" and "didn't plan on marriage at that time." The group with marriage intentions was significantly less likely to get a divorce when compared to the other group or the population in general.
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oh ok thanks for adding that. like i said i wasn't sure with the details, i'd only vaguely heard of it. do you by any chance have a link to it?
 
If you're dating someone and you're worried about whether or not this person might divorce you in 10 years and take half your money, you're probably not in the place to marry. Marriage is not about chance, or about potential loss, it's about the person you are with and how you work together. It's totally subjective, and any amount of generalizations and statistics cannot quantify an individual relationship. No one expecting my marriage to work - but 2 years later, we've defied all the odds and expectations, and both of us are completely happy with our choice. While my husband was in the military I moved wherever he needed to go--now that he's out, he's willing to go where I need to go to complete my education. I'm looking forward to the next few years, hopefully in medical school *crossed fingers*
 
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