SO of a premed–help!

[AlexanderDumas]

Hello all,

As a non-healthcare person in a relationship with a premed, I was hoping you guys could give me your opinion on the below. I'd appreciate it greatly.

My SO is a nontraditional premed who will be attending a post baccalaureate program this fall. She'll be applying for medical school.

She has been living with her parents, aunt, and stepbrother to save money, but the household is very stressful and it's really taking a toll on her. She is now in a financial position to move out but her overprotective & controlling family tells her she will do very badly if she does since she'll have to take care of herself, will be a failure, they'll cut her off, etc. Personally, I think her family is manipulative and that she should just get out this fall.

However, while she admits the situation is emotionally taxing/toxic, she's afraid that she actually will do as badly as her parents say in this critical year if she moves out, and says she can "endure it a while longer". She thinks I am being selfish and underestimating the work she'll have to do. Is she right? If so, please tell me so I can stop being a jerk.

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[AlexMack12]

Unless she is being physically abused and her absence from the home will prevent her from being hurt, there's only so much moving out will do in this kind of situation. It sounds like there's a lot of dysfunction here to be sure, but if your girlfriend moves out, she will not necessarily escape the dysfunction (unless she's planning on moving far away, changing all her contact information, and ignoring all attempts for her family to reconnect with her). Her family will still be texting/calling/visiting, and will probably be heaping guilt on her, potentially creating a worse situation than if she stayed put. The fact that she's telling you she can endure it awhile longer signifies she's not quite at the point where she's ready to really sever ties. This is absolutely not a criticism of your girlfriend; frequently, people like her get ensnared in dysfunctional families purely because they have a great sense of responsibility to their family, fear hurting or disappointing their loved ones, and the like. Eventually, if she gains admission to medical school, she will have to detach herself from her family purely because through no fault of her own will she be required to spend long hours studying and in the hospital where she just can't be reached.

In the meantime, you can still play a hugely important role in helping her out. Many people in your girlfriend's position have few friends and are emotionally closed off because they spend so much time and energy enmeshed in their dysfunctional families. They are frequently also ashamed of their family dynamics and worry others will judge them by their families or perhaps even think they will emulate the behavior of family members because of genetics and environment. If she is comfortable enough with you to reach out to you and speak about her family, that is invaluable. Listen to her, support her, and reassure her that you value her for her and do not judge her by her family. I'm certain you do all these things; but keep them up because their importance cannot be underestimated. In time, she will break free and be the successful doctor she's meant to be-with a very loving partner by her side.

Good luck!

 

[Hillo]

Support her in whatever decision she makes because she knows more about her situation than you do.

If she wants your advice or help, she'll ask for it.

So yea... let her do her thing... because honestly, if it were that bad, she'd do anything to move out by now.