Social stuff that probably only happens in med school

[bumblebee611]

[Deleted in hopes of preserving anonymity.]

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[mw18]

I don't know. As a fellow parent, if my son comes to me with this situation at his school someday - I would tell him that if he were to act the way I wanted him to act and to be the kind of person I want him to be, then he will be friends with this kid. He wouldn't cast him aside because he's needy and nerdy. And the type of person I want my son to be is the type of person I would like to be, too. So, my advice, I would realize that this kid needs you and looks up to you, and he sees you as a leader. And I think that a leader doesn't shy away from that. And a leader d*mn sure doesn't worry that other kids won't want to hang out with them because they aren't always surrounded by the coolest kids in school. I would tell him that you don't want him talking with you about clicker questions and other things that directly affect your being the best student possible, but I wouldn't try to ditch him.

I know that comes off preachy and from a pedestal and I'm not perfect, but it's the advice I have. You can obviously disregard it. I'm also sorry if I misinterpreted and morphed the situation.

 

[bumblebee611]

[Deleted in hopes of preserving anonymity.]

 

[bumblebee611]

Or maybe try getting over yourself

Obviously you're trying to be hurtful or mocking in some way, but I don't even understand what you're trying to say. It isn't about how I think I'm too cool, or he'll be crushed, it's more about the fact that getting through school is a struggle and will hopefully be an accomplishment for me, but I'm not going to make it if I can't get the support I need from actual two-way friendships, or a moment's peace to consider the clicker question.

 

[aalamruad]

Actively make plans with your real friends to have lunch/coffee/study sessions/etc and just say "hey sorry I'm going to lunch with a friend right now so I can't eat with you, but I'll see you tomorrow!" or something like that. And during lecture, just sit with your real friends and he'll probably get the hint. I don't think you need to explicitly tell him you need space, that seems like overkill, just actively make time for your real friends and drop a few hints every now and then to this kid.

Also, if he happens to use SDN and he reads this post he'll 100% know that you're referring to him. Just something to think about. Probably could have kept it a bit more vague to protect your anonymity and his feelings.

 

[bumblebee611]

Actively make plans with your real friends to have lunch/coffee/study sessions/etc and just say "hey sorry I'm going to lunch with a friend right now so I can't eat with you, but I'll see you tomorrow!" or something like that. And during lecture, just sit with your real friends and he'll probably get the hint. I don't think you need to explicitly tell him you need space, that seems like overkill, just actively make time for your real friends and drop a few hints every now and then to this kid.

Also, if he happens to use SDN and he reads this post he'll 100% know that you're referring to him. Just something to think about. Probably could have kept it a bit more vague to protect your anonymity and his feelings.

Making plans is a great idea. And though I'm fairly sure the person is not an SDNer, I'll try and change some identifying details.

 

[Foot Fetish]

I've circumvented awkward social situations like this by not having any friends at all.

 

[Brorthopedic]

I don't get why med students over-analyze everything. Just tell her straight up that you want to spend more time with your other, older friends. Don't over-complicate the situation to the point where you have to plan your every move strategically to avoid a person. Just grow up (irony intensifies) and tell them the truth.

 

[ShaolinMaster]

Wait, you're the oldest member in your class and you prefer older friends but your older friends go hang out with other people if they see you with her? Something isn't right here, I would expect that from the younger kids in class who haven't grown up yet. From the outside looking in, this seems childish don't you think?

I've experienced some childish, grouping behavior in my class but this story is unusual since it's coming from the older crowd who often face this type of behavior themselves. Interesting when the roles are reversed.

 

[24blue8]

A direct and loud, "Okay bye, I'll see you later."

Just say that at the end of lecture or whenever you get up and she is going to follow you. Lose her by detouring to the bathroom if you have to.

 

[bumblebee611]

[Deleted in hopes of preserving anonymity.]

 

[bumblebee611]

I don't get why med students over-analyze everything. Just tell her straight up that you want to spend more time with your other, older friends. Don't over-complicate the situation to the point where you have to plan your every move strategically to avoid a person. Just grow up (irony intensifies) and tell them the truth.

Sure. But I asked how to do it in a way that's kind and doesn't make labs and small groups terribly awkward. Maybe if your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail?

 

[libertyyne]

Part of life is getting along with people with varied life experiences in professional settings. Being a Non-trad I hope you would have realized this. It sounds like you dont want to be seen with this person, rather then her or his lack of life experience. If that is the case you should either 1. Make it clear to the person. 2. Or the more passive way is to avoid the person. Or you know reciprocate friendship.

 

[bumblebee611]

Part of life is getting along with people with varied life experiences in professional settings. Being a Non-trad I hope you would have realized this. It sounds like you dont want to be seen with this person, rather then her or his lack of life experience. If that is the case you should either 1. Make it clear to the person. 2. Or the more passive way is to avoid the person. Or you know reciprocate friendship.

Good grief. I realize I probably could have been clearer in the original post, but I have no idea how you've gotten to this point from what I've said.

 

[Stagg737]

Sure. But I asked how to do it in a way that's kind and doesn't make labs and small groups terribly awkward. Maybe if your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail?

Is there some reason you can't make arrangements to hang out with your other friends off campus somewhere? I mean, it's not like this kid is going to get in a car and stalk you...

Also, it seems like your "real friends" kind of suck if they avoid you when the younger student is around. If they're choosing to avoid you when the person is around instead of dealing with her/telling her to talk about something other than her own anxieties, they probably aren't as close to you as you think they are.

 

[ShaolinMaster]

Good grief. I realize I probably could have been clearer in the original post, but I have no idea how you've gotten to this point from what I've said.

Well could you clear up what you mean? In your post, you state she "she's really sweet, and very smart and studious, but also incredibly anxious, eternally single (doubt she's ever had any sort of significant romantic relationship) and, for lack of a better word, YOUNG!"

You state you don't want to be a mother to her but let me let you in on a little secret, friends like to be with each other. She sees you as a friend and wanting to be around a friend is nothing abnormal. It seems to me the issues is you don't like her because she repels your "real friends" and sees you as a friend so tries to be around as much as she can.

 

[bumblebee611]

Is there some reason you can't make arrangements to hang out with your other friends off campus somewhere? I mean, it's not like this kid is going to get in a car and stalk you...

Also, it seems like your "real friends" kind of suck if they avoid you when the younger student is around. If they're choosing to avoid you when the person is around instead of dealing with her/telling her to talk about something other than her own anxieties, they probably aren't as close to you as you think they are.

Let me clarify. I don't think of these other non trad students as "real friends" (or really any classmates) as "real friends" because we're not close enough for that. But I would like to develop some of those friendships, and I feel like it's hard to get the opportunity to do so when one person sort of monopolizes the conversation or even my time to be social. It's a lot to ask of someone to expect them to just jump in and cut the other student off curtly. They're going to do what's natural, which is move on and figure we'll catch up another time. But it's getting to the point where there IS no other time. No few minutes before class because she'll show up and insert herself. No few minutes while you wait in line for a cup of coffee. Etc. Also, I am a single parent. This leaves me with a lot less of a chance to just go hang off campus with other folks - especially when I throw in the commitments to old friends ("real friends") from my community, and the need to actually study when I can! I love those old friends and want to maintain those friendships. But at the same time, as I'm sure you recognize, there are things that are unique to being a med student and it's nice to share that sort of stuff with other students, who "get it." It's especially nice for me to share it with the other parents in my class.

 

[Psai]

Just be nice, you never know who will be there for you when you need it

 

[libertyyne]

Good grief. I realize I probably could have been clearer in the original post, but I have no idea how you've gotten to this point from what I've said.

You say you dont want to hang out with her because she is young. You then claim she prevents you from socializing with people you want to since they dont want to hang out with you when she is present. Then you claim she is anxious and nerdy. Then you go on to claim that you would not mind socializing with young people , just not her.

All of this sounds like she is unpopular and she is crimping your style. You dont actually provide any evidence where she has been a terrible friend to you or unreliable. Age has nothing to do with this, it sounds like you want to hang out with the cool kids and she is somehow preventing you from doing so.

 

[bumblebee611]

[Deleted in hopes of preserving anonymity.]

 

[bumblebee611]

Just be nice, you never know who will be there for you when you need it

I agree completely. I do want to be nice. And that's why I don't want to do what @Brorthopedic suggests and just tell the person to shove off. I liked someone else's suggestion of making concrete plans with other folks and then stepping away for those, by contrast.

 

[bumblebee611]

You say you dont want to hang out with her because she is young. You then claim she prevents you from socializing with people you want to since they dont want to hang out with you when she is present. Then you claim she is anxious and nerdy. Then you go on to claim that you would not mind socializing with young people , just not her.

All of this sounds like she is unpopular and she is crimping your style. You dont actually provide any evidence where she has been a terrible friend to you or unreliable. Age has nothing to do with this, it sounds like you want to hang out with the cool kids and she is somehow preventing you from doing so.

I guess you missed all the parts about why it feels like a one way street and I'd just like to get some support for my own stress and concerns, and I think that is part of a friendship. Or the part about wanting the situation in lecture to be one where I can learn as well/as much as possible. Or the part about having very limited free time, as a single mom, and wanting to spend at least a fraction of that time with some other folks, too. I stand corrected on age, though - you're absolutely right that it's not about age. But it's also far from wanting to hang out with the cool kids - I seriously doubt anyone would label the other slogging parents in my class the cool kids.

 

[Brorthopedic]

I agree completely. I do want to be nice. And that's why I don't want to do what @Brorthopedic suggests and just tell the person to shove off. I liked someone else's suggestion of making concrete plans with other folks and then stepping away for those, by contrast.

I didn't say you should tell the person to shove off, I told you to tell them the truth. How you deliver that message is completely up to you, child.

 

[Psi Corps]

Hey @bumblebee611 I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. Seems like people in this thread have never had to deal with someone like this and don't understand just how clingy and obsessive they can be. It can get to the point where you are forced to spend your entire day with them just for the sake of niceness, because they will literally follow you around every free moment that you get. If you don't have time outside of class then you have zero chance to develop friendships with other students. And yeah it's kind of sucky for people to avoid you because this other person is there, but that's just the way people are. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with somebody, especially if you don't have anything in common. Of course you still want to be nice, especially since this person likely has some emotional issues they need to work through, and because you will have to work together at some point in the future.

Sorry I don't have much advice for you, my situation happened when I was younger and winding up at different schools was a pretty effective way to end it. I do second the idea of trying to make official plans with others that you can excuse yourself to go to.

 

[Goro]

Dear Abby time, eh?

I know you don't want to hurt her feelings, but the truth is the best medicine. You can always put some spin on this to take some of the heat off.

And you know, delivering bad news is going to be part of your job!

I think I can make an interview question out of this.

I'd love thoughts of @DokterMom or other older and wiser folks on this one. I'm the oldest person in my med school class, which is chock full of nontrads, and older than the average US MD student by quite a bit.

One of the young-uns in my class often gets grouped with me for various small group activities, labs, etc. She's really sweet, and very smart and studious, but also incredibly anxious, eternally single (doubt she's ever had any sort of significant romantic relationship) and, for lack of a better word, YOUNG! She's now kind of glommed onto me at every possible opportunity other than small groups--I think she sees me as kind of like a big sis or even another version of mom. I am not happy with this situation.

I moved where I sit in lecture to give myself a break, but she doesn't seem to have taken the hint and has even followed me to that part of the room! Some aspects of her behavior in lecture interfere mildly with my learning, too. She will literally follow me to just about anything (lunch, coffee, library etc.) if given the chance. I don't want to be mean or hurtful, and I do still want to be friendly with since we are so often lab partners etc. but I can't do this. I have a lot of responsibility as a mom, and I don't need another child to herd! And when I'm in school, if I want to chat with my classmates over lunch or coffee or whatever, I mostly want to do that with classmates who are closer to my age and life situation, because I have much more in common with them. And she is anxious and geeky enough that if she's glomming onto me, other folks who would normally socialize with me will instead change course and go hang with someone else.

I need to find a polite and kind way to put a stop to this. Help!

[Edited to make it a bit more anonymous.]

 

[Perrotfish]

You say you dont want to hang out with her because she is young. You then claim she prevents you from socializing with people you want to since they dont want to hang out with you when she is present. Then you claim she is anxious and nerdy. Then you go on to claim that you would not mind socializing with young people , just not her.

All of this sounds like she is unpopular and she is crimping your style. You dont actually provide any evidence where she has been a terrible friend to you or unreliable. Age has nothing to do with this, it sounds like you want to hang out with the cool kids and she is somehow preventing you from doing so.

I think the OP has made it pretty clear what her concern is: she is saying this friend is a giant black hole of neediness and that it's both exhausting and isolating her. The friend is young and wants a mother figure. The friend single and wants affirmation. The friend is awkward and wants the OP's friendship to be unconditional. She's not unreliable, you're right, but only in the sense that a tick will be reliably on your back until you either pull it off or die of Lyme disease. And all of that might be tolerable if the OP were an attending physician with a stable social life and time to spare for mentoring, but right now she's a single mother medical student who has got her own **** to deal with and doesn't feel she has the time to take care of so much as a stray kitten, let alone a stray medical student.

Honestly OP this is a problem as old as friendship. Most of us have had the needy friend, and quite a few of us have spent some time being the needy friend, and it does suck for all involved. You have various options to move forward, including:
1) Ghost her. Don't respond to texts. Leave when she walks up for coffee. Always have plans to be somewhere else. Eventually she'll get the message. It will hurt her when she gets it, though.
2) Dump her. Option 1 is peeling the Band-Aid off, this is ripping it off. Say you're sick of her, walk away. It will again hurt, though for a shorter period of time and more intensely.
3) Take advantage of her. You have a kid? You need a baby sitter. And someone to grab stuff from the store from you. And to pick up your dry cleaning. Think of her as an Au Pair that just happens to be from the same city as you. This is one of the traditional approaches for women dealing with a wannabe boyfriend. It can work for friends as well. Of course, this would make you a horrible person.
4) Help her make new friends. The least cruel way to get rid of someone like this is to find them someone new to glom onto. Play match maker and find her a boyfriend. Or help her find a social circle where she fits. Or build her confidence until she doesn't need you as much. Or just have a deeply personal and completely false conversation about how much Paxil helped your anxiety an why you think she should try it.
5) Suck it up. You didn't want to adopt another child, but you did. So make the best of it and double down. Invite her for dinner and coffee, go to the movies together, and accept that this might be your best interpersonal relationship in the near term. Honestly you might be undervaluing this person. Sometimes we assume that anyone who has more than a passing interest in being around us must have something wrong with them.

Any option will do, but be aware that the longer you wait the worse you'll feel about doing anything other than option 5. Finally remember that the absolute worst thing you can do is to decide to keep hanging around her, but to do it so resentfully that you spend your interactions degrading her with rude remarks and cutting observations. Its OK if you're willing to play the role of either Mom or friend, but not the role of abusive boyfriend.

 

[SunsFun]

Sure. But I asked how to do it in a way that's kind and doesn't make labs and small groups terribly awkward. Maybe if your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail?

Creating a thread on SDN about it certainly sounds like a much nicer thing to do that just telling that person how it is.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[sammiesings]

This person clearly needs your friendship more than you need theirs.

You have two choices, a) be there for them or b) be honest with them that they need to find someone else to fill whatever gap they've asked you to fill because you can't be that person for them.

You can't have your cake and eat it too with all this BS about not "wanting to make it awkward" etc etc-- you're making it awkward by being passive aggressive. Whether you think so or not, either that person or others will pick up on that and you'll be the "bad guy" you really don't want to be.

So.. buck up. One or the other while you've still got the options.

 

[bumblebee611]

Hey @bumblebee611 I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. Seems like people in this thread have never had to deal with someone like this and don't understand just how clingy and obsessive they can be. It can get to the point where you are forced to spend your entire day with them just for the sake of niceness, because they will literally follow you around every free moment that you get. If you don't have time outside of class then you have zero chance to develop friendships with other students. And yeah it's kind of sucky for people to avoid you because this other person is there, but that's just the way people are. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with somebody, especially if you don't have anything in common. Of course you still want to be nice, especially since this person likely has some emotional issues they need to work through, and because you will have to work together at some point in the future.

Sorry I don't have much advice for you, my situation happened when I was younger and winding up at different schools was a pretty effective way to end it. I do second the idea of trying to make official plans with others that you can excuse yourself to go to.

Thank you so much @Psi Corps. I was really starting to think that a lot of this blowback has something to do with the fact that many of the posters here are men who have probably never had to deal with this kind of behavior. I don't think this person is creepy or scary, but I HAVE been through that as well and as a woman, I've experienced a lot of pressure in terms of constant demands to be "nice" and share your attention with everyone who wants it (especially men who think they're entitled to hot women or whatever, or that their female classmates somehow owe it to them to look pretty at school -- if you're around here much you've definitely seen this kind of nonsense). I'm also wondering if I've touched a nerve with some folks who maybe feel better online than they do making IRL friendships ... hmmm.

 

[bumblebee611]

I didn't say you should tell the person to shove off, I told you to tell them the truth. How you deliver that message is completely up to you, child.

Yes, and I asked for some advice on delivering it nicely. Some folks have given me good ideas.

 

[bumblebee611]

Creating a thread on SDN about it certainly sounds like a much nicer thing to do that just telling that person how it is.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

Sigh. You're right that it isn't the best way, and I probably shouldn't have done so. I guess I just mistakenly thought someone might have been through the same thing and have something to offer.

 

[bumblebee611]

Dear Abby time, eh?

I know you don't want to hurt her feelings, but the truth is the best medicine. You can always put some spin on this to take some of the heat off.

And you know, delivering bad news is going to be part of your job!

I think I can make an interview question out of this.

Thanks Goro. That's a good way to put it - I actually said in my med school interviews, when asked about a weakness/concern/thing I need to work on, that I need to get used to having tough conversations.

 

[bumblebee611]

I think the OP has made it pretty clear what her concern is: she is saying this friend is a giant black hole of neediness and that it's both exhausting and isolating her. The friend is young and wants a mother figure. The friend single and wants affirmation. The friend is awkward and wants the OP's friendship to be unconditional. She's not unreliable, you're right, but only in the sense that a tick will be reliably on your back until you either pull it off or die of Lyme disease. And all of that might be tolerable if the OP were an attending physician with a stable social life and time to spare for mentoring, but right now she's a single mother medical student who has got her own **** to deal with and doesn't feel she has the time to take care of so much as a stray kitten, let alone a stray medical student.

Honestly OP this is a problem as old as friendship. Most of us have had the needy friend, and quite a few of us have spent some time being the needy friend, and it does suck for all involved. You have various options to move forward, including:
1) Ghost her. Don't respond to texts. Leave when she walks up for coffee. Always have plans to be somewhere else. Eventually she'll get the message. It will hurt her when she gets it, though.
2) Dump her. Option 1 is peeling the Band-Aid off, this is ripping it off. Say you're sick of her, walk away. It will again hurt, though for a shorter period of time and more intensely.
3) Take advantage of her. You have a kid? You need a baby sitter. And someone to grab stuff from the store from you. And to pick up your dry cleaning. Think of her as an Au Pair that just happens to be from the same city as you. This is one of the traditional approaches for women dealing with a wannabe boyfriend. It can work for friends as well. Of course, this would make you a horrible person.
4) Help her make new friends. The least cruel way to get rid of someone like this is to find them someone new to glom onto. Play match maker and find her a boyfriend. Or help her find a social circle where she fits. Or build her confidence until she doesn't need you as much. Or just have a deeply personal and completely false conversation about how much Paxil helped your anxiety an why you think she should try it.
5) Suck it up. You didn't want to adopt another child, but you did. So make the best of it and double down. Invite her for dinner and coffee, go to the movies together, and accept that this might be your best interpersonal relationship in the near term. Honestly you might be undervaluing this person. Sometimes we assume that anyone who has more than a passing interest in being around us must have something wrong with them.

Any option will do, but be aware that the longer you wait the worse you'll feel about doing anything other than option 5. Finally remember that the absolute worst thing you can do is to decide to keep hanging around her, but to do it so resentfully that you spend your interactions degrading her with rude remarks and cutting observations. Its OK if you're willing to play the role of either Mom or friend, but not the role of abusive boyfriend.

Thank you so much, @Perrotfish. Your response made me smile and think. I think it's time for the personal but not false conversation - that I need a little more time to myself or with other folks, and that I'm concerned that she seems really anxious, and maybe she would enjoy some new friends and activities, or should even try counseling. Our school has great counseling resources available and she has mentioned that others have urged her to try, but she seems unable even to consider the option. If I tell her I've gone to counseling at tough times and it has helped, maybe that will open her mind a bit to the option.

 

[sliceofbread136]

Obviously you're trying to be hurtful or mocking in some way, but I don't even understand what you're trying to say. It isn't about how I think I'm too cool, or he'll be crushed, it's more about the fact that getting through school is a struggle and will hopefully be an accomplishment for me, but I'm not going to make it if I can't get the support I need from actual two-way friendships, or a moment's peace to consider the clicker question.

Just go to school with a smile on your face, be friendly with everyone you can and these things will work out. The problem is that you are so worried that someone can't talk to you about doing laundry or whatever ridiculous crap you feel is a prerequisite for being a friend and I guarantee your classmates are picking up on it.

 

[bumblebee611]

This person clearly needs your friendship more than you need theirs.

You have two choices, a) be there for them or b) be honest with them that they need to find someone else to fill whatever gap they've asked you to fill because you can't be that person for them.

You can't have your cake and eat it too with all this BS about not "wanting to make it awkward" etc etc-- you're making it awkward by being passive aggressive. Whether you think so or not, either that person or others will pick up on that and you'll be the "bad guy" you really don't want to be.

So.. buck up. One or the other while you've still got the options.

Thanks, @sammiesings. I think saying I can't "be that person" for her (at least not right now, as Perrotfish points out) is a good approach.

 

[bumblebee611]

Just go to school with a smile on your face, be friendly with everyone you can and these things will work out. The problem is that you are so worried that someone can't talk to you about doing laundry or whatever ridiculous crap you feel is a prerequisite for being a friend and I guarantee your classmates are picking up on it.

Mmmm, no. Something's gotten lost in translation here.

 

[Mr Roboto]

Let me clarify. I don't think of these other non trad students as "real friends" (or really any classmates) as "real friends" because we're not close enough for that. But I would like to develop some of those friendships, and I feel like it's hard to get the opportunity to do so when one person sort of monopolizes the conversation or even my time to be social. It's a lot to ask of someone to expect them to just jump in and cut the other student off curtly. They're going to do what's natural, which is move on and figure we'll catch up another time. But it's getting to the point where there IS no other time. No few minutes before class because she'll show up and insert herself. No few minutes while you wait in line for a cup of coffee. Etc. Also, I am a single parent. This leaves me with a lot less of a chance to just go hang off campus with other folks - especially when I throw in the commitments to old friends ("real friends") from my community, and the need to actually study when I can! I love those old friends and want to maintain those friendships. But at the same time, as I'm sure you recognize, there are things that are unique to being a med student and it's nice to share that sort of stuff with other students, who "get it." It's especially nice for me to share it with the other parents in my class.

You started school 8 months ago and haven't made any real friends yet? I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with previous posters who said the people that are avoiding you when she's around aren't as close to you as you think.

A similar person latched onto me back in high school. I'll never forget the look on their face when they learned I wasn't their friend. It still makes me feel like a little piece of **** 15+ years later. I strongly do not recommend the "ripping off the bandaid" method.

 

[Psai]

You started school 8 months ago and haven't made any real friends yet? I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with previous posters who said the people that are avoiding you when she's around aren't as close to you as you think.

A similar person latched onto me back in high school. I'll never forget the look on their face when they learned I wasn't their friend. It still makes me feel like a little piece of **** 15+ years later. I strongly do not recommend the "ripping off the bandaid" method.

 

[750335]

My take on it is you need to do what is best for you. Friendships and networking are fantastic, but there isn't only one way to do that. Clearly this bothers you to the point of creating a thread, so it is a real issue and can affect you, if it isn't already. Sometimes you just want to be alone and that is fine, especially if you prefer to study alone. Since she already seems anxious, not sure the bandaid idea will work, but maybe finding other spots in the library to study for example, and just encouraging her to speak to other people. I don't think you should fake the nice thing - way too mentally tasking, and unnecessary. She is an adult, speak to her. Like my sister says, it is med school not a sorority. You are there to learn, everything else is secondary.

 

[bumblebee611]

You started school 8 months ago and haven't made any real friends yet? I'm very sorry to hear that. I agree with previous posters who said the people that are avoiding you when she's around aren't as close to you as you think.

A similar person latched onto me back in high school. I'll never forget the look on their face when they learned I wasn't their friend. It still makes me feel like a little piece of **** 15+ years later. I strongly do not recommend the "ripping off the bandaid" method.

Perhaps my standard for a "real friend" is different. A few years ago, a childhood friend and I celebrated the 30 year anniversary of our friendship. So in my mind, the friendships I have in medical school don't yet rise to that level. That is all I mean by saying I don't think of these folks as "real friends" -- yet. I agree -- I don't think we're close yet. But I would like to be, and not to have all my precious bits of coffee break or lunchtime monopolized by one person with whom I have very little in common.
[Edited in hopes of preserving anonymity.]

 

[bumblebee611]

My take on it is you need to do what is best for you. Friendships and networking are fantastic, but there isn't only one way to do that. Clearly this bothers you to the point of creating a thread, so it is a real issue and can affect you, if it isn't already. Sometimes you just want to be alone and that is fine, especially if you prefer to study alone. Since she already seems anxious, not sure the bandaid idea will work, but maybe finding other spots in the library to study for example, and just encouraging her to speak to other people. I don't think you should fake the nice thing - way too mentally tasking, and unnecessary. She is an adult, speak to her. Like my sister says, it is med school not a sorority. You are there to learn, everything else is secondary.

Thank you, @tskiihii. Don't worry; I am so not at risk of band aid ripping. And I am thinking about ways to encourage her to break out of her shell a bit.

 

[solitarius]

Be polite. Avoid / ghost. Don't gossip about that person.

If it gets too uncomfortable, alert the admin. They're trained to deal with this stuff.

 

[aalamruad]

Be polite. Avoid / ghost. Don't gossip about that person.

If it gets too uncomfortable, alert the admin. They're trained to deal with this stuff.

Lol no, don't tattle to the admin that someone wants to be your friend.

 

[solitarius]

Lol no, don't tattle to the admin that someone wants to be your friend.

Just wait and see.

 

[ShaolinMaster]

Just wait and see.

How do you expect a conversation with admin to go about a student being too attached?

 

[aalamruad]

Just wait and see.

OP has barely dropped any hints to this kid, contacting admin for stalkerish behavior is about 10 steps away

 

[Lawpy]

Just go to school with a smile on your face, be friendly with everyone you can and these things will work out. The problem is that you are so worried that someone can't talk to you about doing laundry or whatever ridiculous crap you feel is a prerequisite for being a friend and I guarantee your classmates are picking up on it.

Lol no, don't tattle to the admin that someone wants to be your friend.

honestly i was getting the impression that the classmate really just wants to be friends with OP. looks like i was wrong and am probably too young to understand the situation

 

[libertyyne]

honestly i was getting the impression that the classmate really just wants to be friends with OP. looks like i was wrong and am probably too young to understand the situation

This is correct.

 

[Lawpy]

This is correct.

... oh. i guess i don't see what OP's problem is. my bad!

 

[Merely]

Pics of both of you or you both don't exist