Social stuff that probably only happens in med school

[sloop]

Part of being in med school (or higher learning of any sort, tbh) is figuring out how you can be friends with people who are different than you. It sounds like this person is overall a nice, sweet person who is good friend material other than her age. You should get over yourself and stop trying to be cliquey.

Eventually, you'll be on the wards or in residency and you don't have as much choice over who you're going to be in the struggle next to. If your co-residents are all young traditional applicants, are you going to freak out?

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[libertyyne]

... oh. i guess i don't see what OP's problem is. my bad!

OP does not want to be said persons friend.

 

[bumblebee611]

OP does not want to be said persons friend.

Yes, but OP would like to keep things polite and not hurtful. But amazingly, many people like @libertyyne seem to think that somehow, OP isn't entitled to some personal space or a two way friendship.

 

[bumblebee611]

Part of being in med school (or higher learning of any sort, tbh) is figuring out how you can be friends with people who are different than you. It sounds like this person is overall a nice, sweet person who is good friend material other than her age. You should get over yourself and stop trying to be cliquey.

Eventually, you'll be on the wards or in residency and you don't have as much choice over who you're going to be in the struggle next to. If your co-residents are all young traditional applicants, are you going to freak out?

Of course not. But I'm guessing you haven't read any of my further comments, and probably just didn't really comprehend the original post that well to begin with. I enjoy the vast majority of my classmates regardless of age, and enjoy the company of many who are wildly different from me, along any number of axes--culture, politics, sex, age, whatever. But this person's sort of taking up a lot more room than I think is reasonable. @Perrotfish put it very eloquently. And some of that is likely associated with her age and her lack of life experience.

 

[libertyyne]

Yes, but OP would like to keep things polite and not hurtful. But amazingly, many people like @libertyyne seem to think that somehow, OP isn't entitled to some personal space or a two way friendship.

I am pretty confident I have not said that.

 

[bumblebee611]

honestly i was getting the impression that the classmate really just wants to be friends with OP. looks like i was wrong and am probably too young to understand the situation

@Lawper, you're right but it's not the whole story. In fact, I did think of us as friends for most of the school year until more recently, when things began to shift.

 

[bumblebee611]

I am pretty confident I have not said that.

You might not have said those words, but it is an assumption that appears to underlie your comments. Either that, or you're just spouting off because you suspect that you are the classmate in question. But I know you're not, because the classmate in question is, as I said, sweet and smart.

 

[libertyyne]

You might not have said those words, but it is an assumption that appears to underlie your comments. Either that, or you're just spouting off because you suspect that you are the classmate in question. But I know you're not, because the classmate in question is, as I said, sweet and smart.

Apparently sweet and smart is not enough for some people.

 

[sloop]

Of course not. But I'm guessing you haven't read any of my further comments, and probably just didn't really comprehend the original post that well to begin with. I enjoy the vast majority of my classmates regardless of age, and enjoy the company of many who are wildly different from me, along any number of axes--culture, politics, sex, age, whatever. But this person's sort of taking up a lot more room than I think is reasonable. @Perrotfish put it very eloquently. And some of that is likely associated with her age and her lack of life experience.

Fine, but then you really only have two options: clearly set boundaries/break off the friendship or try to integrate her into your other social interactions.

I don't know what to tell you. The situation as you described it seems weird. You basically described someone who seems very nice if awkward but then set up an either/or mentality with regard to hanging out with this person or the other friends. Something is not right here. Either your friends are dicks and want to arbitrarily exclude her, you are a dick and are trying to arbitrarily exclude her or you're concerned that being around her is cramping your style.

I'm sorry but I tend to think that if someone is your classmate and is a decent person, you should generally try to include them unless there is some specific reason for an exclusive gathering. Weirdness or social ineptness in an otherwise decent person is something you kind of have to put up with in a colleague as part of an adult relationship. You can try to politely bring up the idea of some boundaries, but beyond that I would personally find any response unreasonable.

Throughout med school I've routinely had lunch and hung out with people I actually found pretty irritating. Why? Because they were good people despite that, I'm their colleague, and people shouldn't be shunned and have to eat alone because they're weird. This isn't high school.

I get it, you find this person clingy and annoying. You just have to do the best you can without totally ostracizing them.

One question: how many other friends does this person have? If she wasn't eating with you, who would she eat with? If the answer is nobody, this person needs your help and you have to try to help whether you like it or not. I suggest trying to get her to hang out with you and other people so she can expand her social supports.

 

[Dr. Death]

Fine, but then you really only have two options: clearly set boundaries/break off the friendship or try to integrate her into your other social interactions.

I don't know what to tell you. The situation as you described it seems weird. You basically described someone who seems very nice if awkward but then set up an either/or mentality with regard to hanging out with this person or the other friends. Something is not right here. Either your friends are dicks and want to arbitrarily exclude her, you are a dick and are trying to arbitrarily exclude her or you're concerned that being around her is cramping your style.

I'm sorry but I tend to think that if someone is your classmate and is a decent person, you should generally try to include them unless there is some specific reason for an exclusive gathering. Weirdness or social ineptness in an otherwise decent person is something you kind of have to put up with in a colleague as part of an adult relationship. You can try to politely bring up the idea of some boundaries, but beyond that I would personally find any response unreasonable.

Throughout med school I've routinely had lunch and hung out with people I actually found pretty irritating. Why? Because they were good people despite that, I'm their colleague, and people shouldn't be shunned and have to eat alone because they're weird. This isn't high school.

I get it, you find this person cliquey and annoying. You just have to do the best you can without totally ostracizing them.

One question: how many other friends does this person have? If she wasn't eating with you, who would she eat with? If the answer is nobody, this person needs your help and you have to try to help whether you like it or not. I suggest trying to get her to hang out with you and other people so she can expand her social supports.

I second everything in this post.

Try finding things you like about this girl, you go to the same medical school, you have plenty in common already, let her into your life a little bit. What do you have to lose by being friends with her? Potential "friendships" with other people you think you'd rather be friends with? That's high school level BS and if you're a mature non-trad you should recognize that.

 

[aalamruad]

You might not have said those words, but it is an assumption that appears to underlie your comments. Either that, or you're just spouting off because you suspect that you are the classmate in question. But I know you're not, because the classmate in question is, as I said, sweet and smart.

Geez.. relax, no need to attack libertyyne like that. Saying he's not sweet or smart because he doesn't agree with you, really? You jumped to being hurtful and insulting pretty quickly, and that's very enlightening in the context of this supposed dilemma of yours.

 

[sammiesings]

Geez.. relax, no need to attack libertyyne like that. Saying he's not sweet or smart because he doesn't agree with you, really? You jumped to being hurtful and insulting pretty quickly, and that's very enlightening in the context of this supposed dilemma of yours.

Agreed. I'm starting to think ops a bit of a meanie...

 

[doctorskywalker]

@Lawper, you're right but it's not the whole story. In fact, I did think of us as friends for most of the school year until more recently, when things began to shift.

I may have missed this since you deleted most of your content, but how did things shift?
From your posts here, you seem very defensive and also very passive. You're upset that you changed seats and she changed with you? The friends I sit by sometimes change seats, I follow them... and I would never assume or even guess that it's because they're trying to avoid me. It's too subtle. ESPECIALLY if you're nice to her and this is the only "hint" you've dropped. If you really want her off your back, show her this post. (Don't actually do that, but sheesh. Consider how much time you have wasted fretting both privately and publicly about this situation. Consider how much time she has wasted thinking you like her. She deserves a little more common decency than that.) There's not going to be a quick and easy way to do this. I guess you can backpedal by leaving to use the restroom, "make a phone call," or some other private task. But again, that's pretty darn subtle.
There are annoying people in life. Annoying classmates. Annoying patients. I agree with other posters that being annoying isn't a reason to completely exclude someone.

 

[lmp123]

OP, I just want to say that I've gone through what you are describing recently and also have been that needy friend before as well when I was in high school. Anyways, I think the best route to take is to try to connect her with more friends. She maybe latching on to you because she wants friends, but finds comfort that you may not judge her for being awkward like the younger classmates since you are also different. I would suggest that when you go to lecture sit next to someone who you feel is somewhat similar to the classmate ( a little shy, but seems to like to talk to people if approached) Then when the classmate sits next to you, you can try to start a group conversation between the two during breaks etc. And when you're walking off to lunch invite the new classmate with you, hopefully he/she agrees and then again talk about topics that both of them are interested in. I would say try to leave the lunch early and abruptly so that the two are left to continue the conversation on their own. From there, after future classes when the classmate in question starts to walk with you to lunch or library, I would bring up how you just feel like being alone because your overwhelmed with things, or be with friends that you haven't gone to hang out with in a while to catch up on your own. As you start to distance yourself more, she maybe feel more comfortable approaching the other classmate you helped her speak to and creating a friendship with this person.

This was what worked for me, it may not seem conducive to the medical school environment since it seems like you're putting too much thought or time into something so simple, but maybe just helping her get introduced to another classmate will help. If she seems overly sensitive having that direct talk about how you can't be there for her can really influence her negatively, and it may do you worse if you end up feeling guilty if her academics are affected by this. Of course put yourself and your academics first, so don't just continue being nice and let this thing go on, but maybe tear off that band aid slowly and put on some nice healing ointment on afterwards Also, people who are referring to how you just want to be a cool kid and somehow see yourself as entitled have obviously not been through this themselves. How would they feel if before a hard exam there was a classmate anxiously asking if you had time to study less or that going on about how they think they'll fail and you just want to take time to yourself to have a cup of coffee to mentally prepare for it. Or when you want to talk to other classmates who are parents to get advice on how to balance kids and studying just to have that other classmate continuously bring up a question from an exam that they anxiously think they got wrong. I think the OP likes the classmate as a person and wouldn't mind spending some minimal time with her, but as a third arm that follows them everywhere, it gets frustrating. Good luck, OP.

 

[cbrons]

Just be nice, you never know who will be there for you when you need it

Strangely sage-like advice coming from you my friend

 

[sliceofbread136]

Fine, but then you really only have two options: clearly set boundaries/break off the friendship or try to integrate her into your other social interactions.

I don't know what to tell you. The situation as you described it seems weird. You basically described someone who seems very nice if awkward but then set up an either/or mentality with regard to hanging out with this person or the other friends. Something is not right here. Either your friends are dicks and want to arbitrarily exclude her, you are a dick and are trying to arbitrarily exclude her or you're concerned that being around her is cramping your style.

I'm sorry but I tend to think that if someone is your classmate and is a decent person, you should generally try to include them unless there is some specific reason for an exclusive gathering. Weirdness or social ineptness in an otherwise decent person is something you kind of have to put up with in a colleague as part of an adult relationship. You can try to politely bring up the idea of some boundaries, but beyond that I would personally find any response unreasonable.

Throughout med school I've routinely had lunch and hung out with people I actually found pretty irritating. Why? Because they were good people despite that, I'm their colleague, and people shouldn't be shunned and have to eat alone because they're weird. This isn't high school.

I get it, you find this person clingy and annoying. You just have to do the best you can without totally ostracizing them.

One question: how many other friends does this person have? If she wasn't eating with you, who would she eat with? If the answer is nobody, this person needs your help and you have to try to help whether you like it or not. I suggest trying to get her to hang out with you and other people so she can expand her social supports.

Very good advice! Probably better than this thread deserves.