Specialty one-liner generalizations

[ecpiii]

I thought it would be funny for people to contribute a sentence that pokes fun at a specific medical field, and who better to make fun of medicine than the students! We see it all first hand and stand in disbelief at the ridiculousness that is our future. Call it a distraction from your current rotation, an icebreaker, a one-liner, a catharsis, whatever. I'll start it off, and let's see if we can take a dig at every group, primary care included. Repeats in a field are definitely welcome.

Neurosurgery:
1."Brain bleeding...open skull...leave a drain"

2. "Show me two fingers! TWO fingers! Good!
Progress note: POD#2 craniotomy, no events.
Physical exam: F/C all 4 extrem. PERRLA
Labs: Na 136
Assessment/Plan: Neuro stable, follow exam"

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[ecpiii]

Ortho:

"Bone broken...fix bone"

 

[Boomer]

Ortho (while code is in progress):

"Orthopedically stable. Signing off case."

 

[pikachu]

trauma-NUS: "I bet you never saw bedside Neurosurgery before!!!" (pulls out ventriculostomy catheter)

 

[StringBean]

Surgery...

"We're not doing anything for her... but let's keep her on the list... don't want to lose a potential case"

 

[Idiopathic]

Nephrology

"Have you considered Lasix?"

 

[starayamoskva]

"Stamping out fertility one tube at a time" C. Clary, MD 3rd year Resident on "tubal day"

 

[tega]

ER

A/P
24 YR with no significant past medical hx presents with mild nasal congestion of 2 day duration.

1) Admit to medicine


Carter, J MD. Attending physician.

 

[Willamette]

1) Hiding a dollar bill from an internist?--Put it under a bandage.

2) Hiding a dollar bill from a radiologist?--Give it to a patient.

3) Hiding a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon?--You can't.



Willamette

 

[Boomer]

1) Hiding a dollar bill from an internist?--Put it under a bandage.

2) Hiding a dollar bill from a radiologist?--Give it to a patient.

3) Hiding a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon?--You can't.



Willamette

Hiding a dollar from a surgeon?--Put it in the chart.

Hiding a stethoscope from a surgeon?--A WHAT?

 

[IV Doc]

hiding a dollar for a ortho pod, put it in a book.

 

[Blade28]

Surgery...

"We're not doing anything for her... but let's keep her on the list... don't want to lose a potential case"

That's SO true!

 

[edmadison]

Hiding a dollar from a surgeon?--Put it in the chart.

Hiding a stethoscope from a surgeon?--A WHAT?

I think you mean orthopedic surgeons, general surgeons use stethoscopes all the time.

Best note I ever saw was from a plastic surgery patient (who was on the general surgery service following a hemi-colectomy and panniculectomy -- all her issues were due to would healing though):

Wound healing
continue care

4 words that's it.

Ed

 

[bigfrank]

Neurosurgeons know nothing but do everything...
Neurologists know everything but do nothing...
Psychiatrists know nothing and do nothing

 

[Mumpu]

Actual surgery note rom Hippocritis:
S: Patient says he has appendicitis.
O: He does.
A/P: OR.

A surgeon, an internist, and an FP doc go duck hunting. A bunch of ducks fly into the air, the surgeon shoots one, and sends a pathologist to go look at what that was. Ducks fly again, the IM doc takes aim and says "I see a duck, rule out quail, rule out goose." By that time the ducks are gone. Ducks fly again, the FP pulls out a machine gun and peppers the sky with bullets. As the smoke settles, he says "I don't know what that was but I'm pretty sure I got it."

 

[emtp2pac]

.....the peds doc sees the birds, says "I don't know what they are but they will probably go away......"

 

[Blade28]

You're forgetting the classic thought from the pediatrician, who wants to shoot the duck but is afraid there may be little baby ducks also flying around.

 

[TicDouloureux]

I thought it was kinda funny how the anaesthesia folks call the drape that separates them from the surgeons the "blood-brain barrier." Esp when there are orthopods on the other side...

 

[StringBean]

I thought it was kinda funny how the anaesthesia folks call the drape that separates them from the surgeons the "blood-brain barrier." Esp when there are orthopods on the other side...

Heehee, that's funny!

 

[Smurfette]

My neurosurg experience:

Progress Note for a floor patient~
AVSS (all vital signs stable)
d/c today

 

[Chisel]

Dermatology.....

"If it is wet, dry it and if it is dry, wet it."

Chisel

 

[tom_jones]

I think you mean orthopedic surgeons, general surgeons use stethoscopes all the time.

Best note I ever saw was from a plastic surgery patient (who was on the general surgery service following a hemi-colectomy and panniculectomy -- all her issues were due to would healing though):

Wound healing
continue care

4 words that's it.

Ed

I've seen a plastics note that tops that. It goes like this.

Date: Plastic surgery note

Looks Good.

Huge signature that took up half the page

 

[hermione]

How about the orthopedic ausculatory point?

Its a point in the middle of the thorax which allows one to hear bowel sounds, lung sounds, and heart sounds, all at the same time.

 

[Boomer]

WOW! The orthopods are really taking a hit. We should really ease up on those guys...

Besides, you all know what two years are the toughest in an orthopod's life?

5th grade....

 

[Boomer]

Which specialty is the most studious????

OB/GYN--they're always lookin' up something.....

 

[Blade28]

Dermatology.....

"If it is wet, dry it and if it is dry, wet it."

Chisel

I was taught:

If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's wet, keep it dry. When in doubt, apply steroids.

 

[Disco]

Neurosurgeons know nothing but do everything...
Neurologists know everything but do nothing...
Psychiatrists know nothing and do nothing

thats great!

a quote from my INPATIENT psych rotation, referring to a schizophrenic woman speaking in "word salad":

"She is sooo sick. Where should we send her?"

 

[ears]

a quote from my INPATIENT psych rotation, referring to a schizophrenic woman speaking in "word salad":

"She is sooo sick. Where should we send her?"

And that is the essence of 21st century inpatient psychiatric practice.

 

[TicDouloureux]

WOW! The orthopods are really taking a hit. We should really ease up on those guys...

No, no, I heard another one today:

Definition of a double-blind study: two orthopods looking at an EKG.

 

[Boomer]

No, no, I heard another one today:

Definition of a double-blind study: two orthopods looking at an EKG.

Ouch....

 

[Stinger86]

WOW! The orthopods are really taking a hit. We should really ease up on those guys...

Besides, you all know what two years are the toughest in an orthopod's life?

5th grade....

Zing!

 

[ERMudPhud]

Only question on the EM boards

What's the pager number for surgery?

 

[Winged Scapula]

Only question on the EM boards

What's the pager number for surgery?

Hmmm...and our ER still can't get it right (9 months of having dedicated pagers for Pediatric Surgery Consults, General Surgery Consults and Trauma Consults and they still page the wrong people > 75% of the time.).

 

[Docgeorge]

Hmmm...and our ER still can't get it right (9 months of having dedicated pagers for Pediatric Surgery Consults, General Surgery Consults and Trauma Consults and they still page the wrong people > 75% of the time.).

They cant help it, it's their ADD.

 

[DarksideAllstar]

ER doc: Is it an ectopic preg?
GYN resident to ER doc: She has an IUP, so we are signing off the case.
ER Doc: Cant you guys take her to the OR for laparoscopy?
GYN resident: What for? She has an IUP
ER doc (in totally serious voice): To see if she has appendicitis--- you guys take those out, dont you?

 

[roja]

My dad collects these (being an ortho):

What's the point of an ortho residency: take the smartest medical students and turn them into the dumbest doctors.



ID by elevator:

A young medical student is being taught how to tell the different specialists by how they stop the elevator doors from closing:

An IM doc will stop the doors with his/her hand, because feet are needed to run around and get lab results.

A surgeon will stop the doors with his/her foot, because hands are needed for the OR.

An orthopod stops the door with his/her head.......

 

[phoenixsupra]

Pathology - the dead examining the dead

Gastroenterologist using a colonoscope (this one is mean) - $hit looking at $hit

 

[roja]

Pathology - the dead examining the dead

Gastroenterologist using a colonoscope (this one is mean) - $hit looking at $hit

Ouch.


I like the pathology one.

 

[Discobolus]

I was really enjoying these up until the one about the gastroenterologist.

The one about the ortho auscultation point just killed me though

 

[Dukes]

What is Neurology?

The 15 minutes of guess work before the CT results come back.

 

[Vince]

From a Invasive Cardiologist about a Gastroenterologist...regarding procedures.

"GI Docs have it easy...all the holes are already made."

 

[Vince]

I'm on a rads rotation right now though...

One radiologist to another.

"What was the history that the clinician gave for this study?"

"Pain in the neck."

EXACTLY.

 

[MasterintuBater]

Orthopod Physical Exam: "Mr. Johnson, wiggle your toes" [yells from doorway]

Orthopod to me: "He's fine."


Orthopod Progress Note:

S/O: LFFD (Looks fine from doorway)

A/P: Will follow.

 

[DOtobe]

I've seen a plastics note that tops that. It goes like this.

Date: Plastic surgery note

Looks Good.

Huge signature that took up half the page

I had an Ob/Gyn attending whose note would say:

Date:
Doing well.
Signature

I can't wait till my notes can be that short!

 

[roja]

I had an Ob/Gyn attending whose note would say:

Date:
Doing well.
Signature

I can't wait till my notes can be that short!

And you better be prepared to pay out the nose for malpractice. You'll hemorrhage this way.


We just had a great presentation on basically cases gone bad in the ED (or prevention of this.) Documentation can save your Ass. The EMP had a 40 yo male no PMH with shoulder pain, very MsK. But give that the guy was 40, he documented really well, no exertional etc (basically no risk factors) guy went home that night and dropped from an MI. the documentation saved him b/c the guy just happened to be in the ED and died later from soemthing completely unrelated.

Now, moooooooooooooore funnies... (Ive only had one cup of coffee and 2 2am consults last night... I'm not funny right now. )

 

[cutslikeaknife]

Q: How many Plastic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to hold the bulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around him/her!

 

[roja]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I've had caffiene.. I have a funny.. and this is real:
Me=EM
Ortho= ortho resident


While placing a traction pin in the ED regarding multitasking:

ortho: thanks.
me: its called multitasking, babe. Its what I'm good at
ortho: You mean like calling three consults at once?

 

[phoenixsupra]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I've had caffiene.. I have a funny.. and this is real:
Me=EM
Ortho= ortho resident


While placing a traction pin in the ED regarding multitasking:

ortho: thanks.
me: its called multitasking, babe. Its what I'm good at
ortho: You mean like calling three consults at once?

Ha ha. That funny

How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to remove the bulb and about five more to perform the filament transplant.

Two psychiatirsts are leaving the office for the day. One says to the other "have a great weekend". The other takes a few steps, then stops and thinks "hmmm what did he mean by that?"

 

[MechE]

Does anyone know any good one-liners for gas or ENT?

 

[phoenixsupra]

Gas - "Don't let the blanket and hot water bottle fool you, I'm shivering from sheer excitement, I swear"

ENT - "We've got so many names, Otolaryngology, ENT, Head and Neck...so why is it the public has never heard of us, dammit!