Spouse feeling inadequate

[Apoplexy__]

Not a joke thread.

I've been fortunate enough to be successful in med school. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (extremely likely future wife) has gotten stuck in a bit of a rut lately. Her lifestyle is getting pretty stagnant due to a lack of motivation -- she works part-time in retail on the side, but is barely getting by in her undergrad classes which she hates while doing no extracurriculars. She absolutely hates college and spends a massive amount of time at home with me doing nothing (internet).

Honestly, that's not a problem at all with me. I know I'm being supportive, and I never bug her to "do more with her life" or imply that my time is more valuable than hers. But she puts it all on herself, comparing herself to my med school studying, extracurriculars, hobbies, and enthusiasm. And she feels guilty that she's going to end up relying on me to support her since she has no passion for any career in particular. She really earnestly wants to help, work hard, and "pull her weight" in everything we do, but she's stuck by being too overwhelmed/nonpassionate to take the first steps. It sucks to hurt someone else by fulfilling your passions.

I'm asking for any advice on how to approach this from people who have experienced a similar inferiority/inadequacy complex in their spouse. This is only a flare-up of a long-existing minor problem, which I know will continue on in the future. I need to be good about managing this now before our "provider-dependent" roles solidify post-residency.

Thanks.

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[theseeker4]

Not a joke thread.

I've been fortunate enough to be successful in med school. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (extremely likely future wife) has gotten stuck in a bit of a rut lately. Her lifestyle is getting pretty stagnant due to a lack of motivation -- she works part-time in retail on the side, but is barely getting by in her undergrad classes which she hates while doing no extracurriculars. She absolutely hates college and spends a massive amount of time at home with me doing nothing (internet).

Honestly, that's not a problem at all with me. I know I'm being supportive, and I never bug her to "do more with her life" or imply that my time is more valuable than hers. But she puts it all on herself, comparing herself to my med school studying, extracurriculars, hobbies, and enthusiasm. And she feels guilty that she's going to end up relying on me to support her since she has no passion for any career in particular. She really earnestly wants to help, work hard, and "pull her weight" in everything we do, but she's stuck by being too overwhelmed/nonpassionate to take the first steps. It sucks to hurt someone else by fulfilling your passions.

I'm asking for any advice on how to approach this from people who have experienced a similar inferiority/inadequacy complex in their spouse. This is only a flare-up of a long-existing minor problem, which I know will continue on in the future. I need to be good about managing this now before our "provider-dependent" roles solidify post-residency.

Thanks.

I would look into screening for depression, meaning convince her to get screened or talk to someone about it. A lot of what you say sounds like red flags for depression, but obviously a professional will need to talk to her face to face to make any kind of real assessment. Good luck.

 

[deleted480308]

My wife can.t wait to be a sahm.....

 

[colbgw02]

I hate to be cynical, but many physicians I know who described their spouse as you did ended up divorced.

 

[primadonna22274]

Sure, gently encourage her to talk to a professional and be screened for depression, BUT....
Mismatched ambitions are a serious problem in relationships. I have struggled with this with my husband for most of the 9 years we've been together. He does have an education and is a respected teacher--but he has zero interest in doing more than that. He is paid very little and settles for that because he's used to it. I could never settle for so little. Consequently the financial responsibility for any kind of a comfortable life has fallen on me (although he did step up to pay the mortgage and household expenses while I was away in med school). We're in a better place now because I appreciate that he stepped up when money was short my last 18 mos of med school--in a way I think that was good for us--but we still struggle with an energy mismatch.
You're not married to her yet. Think long and hard about whether you are a good match.

 

[boogaloo]

I'm asking for any advice on how to approach this from people who have experienced a similar inferiority/inadequacy complex in their spouse. This is only a flare-up of a long-existing minor problem, which I know will continue on in the future. I need to be good about managing this now before our "provider-dependent" roles solidify post-residency.

I don't think that's a minor problem. You might be okay with it, but it doesn't sound like she is. Best advice you'll ever get on here is to go and talk to her about it. Find out her concerns. Isn't that what being in a relationship is all about, or am I missing something here?

 

[mmmcdowe]

Yeah, hate to be a downer, but to add to the negativity as my career started advancing my fiance lost her job and had to take an entry level position and feeling lost/depressed. Ended up catching her in a 8 month affair... If I could go back I guess I would have tried to have been more supportive, but honestly I'm not sure it would have been enough because the funk was on her.

 

[boogaloo]

Dang, mmmc. That's heavy. Hope you're doing well now.

 

[mulberry]

Reminds me of a recent long term relationship. The ex thought undergrad was unnecessary so she took it lightly. Her passion was in the arts, acting, modeling, etc. She would find gigs here and there but had to work as a waitress/bartender to pay the bills. Tried to encourage her to finish college and get a degree so she didn't have to do these bullsh*t side jobs. I always told her she would make a wonderful nurse (her older sister was a RN) but she was hell-bent on making it big in LA or NY She went though episodes of depression from lack of motivation/insecurity since the industry can be tough (SSRIs didn't help her). Her parents never pushed her so it was hard for me to be the bf and the father figure. Needless to say, we aren't together any more and I think a big part of our break up had to do with me not "supporting" her decisions when in reality I only wanted to her to be successful. It's been 4-5 years and she's still doing the same BS side gigs with a few acting/modeling gigs here and there.

OP, i'm not sure how I can offer you advice other than talking to her about her future and find out what she ultimately wants to do. If she's mildly depressed now it's only going to get worse.

 

[Apoplexy__]

Yeah, hate to be a downer, but to add to the negativity as my career started advancing my fiance lost her job and had to take an entry level position and feeling lost/depressed. Ended up catching her in a 8 month affair... If I could go back I guess I would have tried to have been more supportive, but honestly I'm not sure it would have been enough because the funk was on her.

Sorry man. That's really crappy. Hope you've made it out of that alright.

Thanks for the responses everyone. They've been very helpful. Keep the cynicism and harsh reality coming, I'm very much a proponent of realism (of course, if optimism is your realism I'd love to hear that too).

I've talked to her about this issue extensively, and we're very much open with these things. What I meant about it being a "minor problem" in the past is that it would come up in half-joking style sporadically. Like she'll stress out about having one 3-page paper due in a week and joke about how stupid that sounds compared to my problems. I'll consider talking with her about her being depressed/dysthymic.

I think the biggest way this will play out in the future is with financial struggles. She'll want to buy something I don't agree with and immediately feel powerless and without financial freedom (because she would never just buy it anyway with my money). Her two biggest pet peeves are being paternally patronized and feeling like a "dependent housewife" (she's got a bit of a feminist kick)...so finances are definitely a big ticket issue. Any anecdotes on how you guys may have managed a similar issue?

 

[Gifted Hands]

Sorry man. That's really crappy. Hope you've made it out of that alright.

Thanks for the responses everyone. They've been very helpful. Keep the cynicism and harsh reality coming, I'm very much a proponent of realism (of course, if optimism is your realism I'd love to hear that too).

I've talked to her about this issue extensively, and we're very much open with these things. What I meant about it being a "minor problem" in the past is that it would come up in half-joking style sporadically. Like she'll stress out about having one 3-page paper due in a week and joke about how stupid that sounds compared to my problems. I'll consider talking with her about her being depressed/dysthymic.

I think the biggest way this will play out in the future is with financial struggles. She'll want to buy something I don't agree with and immediately feel powerless and without financial freedom (because she would never just buy it anyway with my money). Her two biggest pet peeves are being paternally patronized and feeling like a "dependent housewife" (she's got a bit of a feminist kick)...so finances are definitely a big ticket issue. Any anecdotes on how you guys may have managed a similar issue?

It must be really frustrating for her to not have a passion for anything in particular. Is there any special talents she has or areas she gets drawn to? Maybe the best way around this is to help her find a career, something she can work towards with similar passion that you have for medicine. If she stays unmotivated and just kind of gliding through she's going to start to resent you.

 

[Anastomoses]

Sorry man. That's really crappy. Hope you've made it out of that alright.

Thanks for the responses everyone. They've been very helpful. Keep the cynicism and harsh reality coming, I'm very much a proponent of realism (of course, if optimism is your realism I'd love to hear that too).

I've talked to her about this issue extensively, and we're very much open with these things. What I meant about it being a "minor problem" in the past is that it would come up in half-joking style sporadically. Like she'll stress out about having one 3-page paper due in a week and joke about how stupid that sounds compared to my problems. I'll consider talking with her about her being depressed/dysthymic.

I think the biggest way this will play out in the future is with financial struggles. She'll want to buy something I don't agree with and immediately feel powerless and without financial freedom (because she would never just buy it anyway with my money). Her two biggest pet peeves are being paternally patronized and feeling like a "dependent housewife" (she's got a bit of a feminist kick)...so finances are definitely a big ticket issue. Any anecdotes on how you guys may have managed a similar issue?

If it's just financial, you'd set up a budget each month for what each of you is allowed to play with after you've finished paying off any loans, a certain amt for savings and whatever (assuming she's your wife at that point). She'd have this problem with anyone if she doesn't want to work or make money.
You could try that or you could go Muslim style: You provide for the household and children and food, medicine, bills, etc but if she works on the side she can use that money to splurge with.

 

[touchpause13]

Wow, your GF and I would be 2 peas in a pod right now. (Health problems have made it so I can't work, trying to get it sorted out by the time med school starts)

She sounds depressed. Has she ever had a depressive episode in the past? I would def. Talk to her about it.

I think she needs to find something she's passionate about. She's a feminist. Fantastic. Can she write well? Has she thought about maintaining a blog? That's something I have been doing to keep myself from going insane and I think she may enjoy it as well.

It sounds like she needs some more hobbies/friends besides you. That will help with the feelings of being a dependent housewife.

Really anything she can do activism wise will be an excellent option IMO. She might not be super career driven but anyone who gives a shet about social justice has passion. She just needs to find a way to channel that.

 

[addo]

you gotta dump her bro...

 

[evilbooyaa]

I'm not sure what the solution is (besides getting her interested in a career, but you're not her parents to get her to care about something), but I would think long and hard before you turn this relationship into a marriage. If this issue isn't resolved fully by that point, it could hurt you much more down the road than it will right now.

 

[Anastomoses]

I don't think the problem is just that she doesn't have a career or any interests; the main issue is that she doesn't seem to be capable of appreciating your efforts and being a faithful cheerleader, even. Tell her to get it together already.

 

[Gastrapathy]

Knock her up. Babies solve everything except for the resulting child support.

Seriously, whatever u do, keep it wrapped until you sort the rest of this out.


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[mulberry]

If it's just financial, you'd set up a budget each month for what each of you is allowed to play with after you've finished paying off any loans, a certain amt for savings and whatever (assuming she's your wife at that point). She'd have this problem with anyone if she doesn't want to work or make money.
You could try that or you could go Muslim style: You provide for the household and children and food, medicine, bills, etc but if she works on the side she can use that money to splurge with.

Since when was that the norm in muslim households?

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

You care enough to make it work. That's 80% of the battle. Having kids will make her feel more adequate, like she has a reason. But if she feels inadequate and she is barely passing undergrad then it's obvious where the problem is. If she was doing well do you think she would feel the same way?

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

Dumping her is stupid advice. My fiancé is also a doctor and it's not like there aren't problems there either. It's not what she does that makes a good relationship but who she is. With the information you told us there is no way anyone can justify a good reason for you to break up with her. Only you would know that.

 

[Brain Bucket]

Kirb, I'm sorry man, that sounds like a bad situation that's going to get worse. I really hope it works out for you two.

I've known a few intelligent people with little or no ambition and there are times when they can be very difficult to deal with (especially in high stress situations). Some of them just shut down (give up) during the actual crisis, but will l later make a stand on something completely inane, and others can just grow to be bitter.

If you're even thinking about wifing her, you'll likely need professional help, and a solid prenup.

Edit:

I've seen two cases in which this sort of thing has worked. The first is here at med school where this dude's wife doesn't want to work. She's decided instead to network and form a support group of sorts for spouses of medical professionals. She's actively involved socially a (as in city hall and charities) and takes care of all of his paperwork/accounting from visas to loans.

The second is an older couple, family friends, where the wife quit college, and started networking actively for her husband. He's now going to be the youngest chief at a tertiary care facility.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, have her talk to a professional, it's better that she leave college than fail out, but it can't be you that even suggests this.

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[EMDO2018]

.nvm

 

[Anastomoses]

Since when was that the norm in muslim households?

That's Islamic law. Any money the woman makes or gets from her family belongs solely to her for discretionary spending. Hubby is required to handle all else.

 

[touchpause13]

Bro... this is not wife material. Please move on. You know better. It's going to bite you in the ass later.

Le sigh. Seriously man?

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

he's saying she is extremely likely going to be his future wife .. and everyones like DUMP HER.. YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE ISS
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

 

[Priapism4tooLong]

That's Islamic law. Any money the woman makes or gets from her family belongs solely to her for discretionary spending. Hubby is required to handle all else.

Dude what are you talking about?

 

[touchpause13]

Dude what are you talking about? View attachment 180315

*dead*

 

[croak]

I hate to be cynical, but many physicians I know who described their spouse as you did ended up divorced.

Some things stand the test of time. Medical school marriages—I was married, divorced, and sued for future earnings—I'm no expert, but saw this post, and reflected for few minutes on a marriage that shouldn't have been entered until both of us had become what we would. I know, I know, it sounds preachy coming from a serial monogamist retired from medicine romantic, but unless the ways of the world dramatically shifted, and emotional, intellectual and economic realities have been blasted into the "dreams come true routinely" realm—The big D, may be in the cards. No, I didn't get tapped for future income, but these days; who knows?

 

[mulberry]

That's Islamic law. Any money the woman makes or gets from her family belongs solely to her for discretionary spending. Hubby is required to handle all else.

I sure hope your family isn't stuck in the previous century & practicing this. I know religious families who don't practice this. Please show me this "law" in text and maybe i'll believe it.

 

[Psai]

Sued for future earnings wtf how is that legal

 

[deleted480308]

Sued for future earnings wtf how is that legal

what do you think alimony is? once the law starts giving your money away, the rest is semantics

 

[evilbooyaa]

Le sigh. Seriously man?

I don't get why having a healthy dose of concern about the future of his relationship is a bad idea for the OP to consider. Obviously he's not going to be thinking 100% logically since he's too close to the situation.

Maybe not as clear-cut as JP made it out to be, but....... have ya met JP?

 

[touchpause13]

I don't get why having a healthy dose of concern about the future of his relationship is a bad idea for the OP to consider. Obviously he's not going to be thinking 100% logically since he's too close to the situation.

Maybe not as clear-cut as JP made it out to be, but....... have ya met JP?

Oh absolutely it's fair to have some doubts based off of her lack of ambition. But saying she's not wifeable because she's a feminist? That's stupid.

 

[touchpause13]

Feminism alone can make a marriage difficult, but when there are already issues of a lady feeling inadequate compared to her male significant other, those feelings don't magically disperse. And a chick who identifies herself as a feminist makes that situation much worse for obvious reasons.

Trolol. I have a great feminist marriage dude. Egalitarian relationships are always ideal IMO. I don't understand how you can have a healthy relationship without respect for each other and seeing each other on as equals.

 

[deleted480308]

Oh absolutely it's fair to have some doubts based off of her lack of ambition. But saying she's not wifeable because she's a feminist? That's stupid.

haha, I largely agree with @touchpause13 here.....with one caveat. Are we talking a "women can vote and drive" feminist or a "your oppressive patriarchy commits a microaggression with gender descriptive words like actress" feminist?

 

[fancymylotus]

That's Islamic law. Any money the woman makes or gets from her family belongs solely to her for discretionary spending. Hubby is required to handle all else.

What??? MAJOR WIN 4 ME.

hehehe

 

[touchpause13]

haha, I largely agree with @touchpause13 here.....with one caveat. Are we talking a "women can vote and drive" feminist or a "your oppressive patriarchy commits a microaggression with gender descriptive words like actress" feminist?

As with everything, most feminists exist in a grey area. I don't like policing specific words like actress or stewardess. That's dumb. My personal causes are more focused on rape prevention/helping survivors of sexual/domestic violence as well as LGBTQ rights.

 

[fancymylotus]

My personal causes include expanding my closet size to fit all my new stuffs.

And saving all the puppies of the world coz spca ads are so sad

 

[deleted480308]

As with everything, most feminists exist in a grey area. I don't like policing specific words like actress or stewardess. That's dumb. My personal causes are more focused on rape prevention/helping survivors of sexual/domestic violence as well as LGBTQ rights.

and within the realm of my cartoonish libertarianism, I'm on board with all that. but some people can be exhausting with their crusades

 

[Kahreek]

watch out she may be sleeping with your best friend

 

[touchpause13]

and within the realm of my cartoonish libertarianism, I'm on board with all that. but some people can be exhausting with their crusades

There are over zealous people in almost every cause. For whatever reason lots of people seem to think it's universal among feminists

It's funny. IRL I tend to get along very well with libertarians. We agree on most things (gay rights, gun rights, abortion rights) but on the internets it's like a whole different ballgame

 

[evilbooyaa]

haha, I largely agree with @touchpause13 here.....with one caveat. Are we talking a "women can vote and drive" feminist or a "your oppressive patriarchy commits a microaggression with gender descriptive words like actress" feminist?

This. The vocal minority of feminists are the ones ruining it for the rest of you level minded feminists. See: Nurses, Republicans.

 

[croak]

what do you think alimony is? once the law starts giving your money away, the rest is semantics

Divorce, as common as it is, with alimony-for-life, child support, and "modifications" after "modifications" haunt guys throughout their lives. Many states hands-down favor the woman's "victimhood" in almost all proceedings. Despite all the rhetoric, all the "advances" of feminism will wipe your clock—in that every penny you'll earn—for life. After all, even the most staunch women's rights politically correct heroes have been known to stand in court with the lawyer YOU pay for stating: "She's a woman on her own" doctor. There is no "good divorce" —kids always become victims, and caught in the crossfire. I've seen "good lawyering," in that crummy sort of way do wonders on an ex-wife to be that puts guys into a lifetime of servitude, because: "What's a woman to do? After all it IS a man's world." This is where some heels dig deep, and hypocrisy kicks in. Med students, interns, residents, and those who truly believes the rhetoric re women's rights should know those things are "temporarily suspended" just long enough to collect half of whatever you earn for life. No joke, not uncommon, and something there ought be a course to take before setting out in the world. Also, there are piker males who're living off ex-wives. So, know what's happened to other folks before taking the leap. Nothing comes cheap.

 

[touchpause13]

Because all feminists believe in alimony

Most feminists I know HATE the concept. Myself included. It's basically the law saying women are too stupid and too depend to care for themselves.

 

[fancymylotus]

preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nup

 

[touchpause13]

Sorry that might be the actual definition of feminism (the former), but most people use it in everyday life, and the way I interpreted it as the latter (although I couldn't understand what exactly you were saying)

So what you are saying is that you don't understand feminism

 

[deleted480308]

preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nup

my wife and I have been together broke for years, so we're past that mess................buuuuuuut if I was in med school and just meeting someone for the first time? they'd hear about that prenup long before thinking they had a chance at a ring

 

[Anastomoses]

I sure hope your family isn't stuck in the previous century & practicing this. I know religious families who don't practice this. Please show me this "law" in text and maybe i'll believe it.

Don't worry about my family. Worry about your education. Don't waste my time with two posts "doubting" something you could look up on google in 5 minutes tops.

 

[Wordead]

Because all feminists believe in alimony

Most feminists I know HATE the concept. Myself included. It's basically the law saying women are too stupid and too depend to care for themselves.

Agreed. But unfortunately, you don't see women fighting for equal rights in alimony, for child guardianship, both which are heavily favored towards women right now. And I think that's where you get the anti-feminist men as above - because the fight everyone else sees is not a struggle for equal rights, it's a fight to get women more rights.

preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nup

Prenups will often not stand when everything shakes out. Signed under duress, one partner didnt have a separate lawyer, didn't fully understand what they were signing.

 

[Anastomoses]

There are over zealous people in almost every cause. For whatever reason lots of people seem to think it's universal among feminists

It's funny. IRL I tend to get along very well with libertarians. We agree on most things (gay rights, gun rights, abortion rights) but on the internets it's like a whole different ballgame

Don't bother trying to defend feminism. If some guys wanna whine that "feminism" isn't suiting their way of life, they can get the hell on and go find some little baking chick who wants to work hard outside and come take care of the kids at night and always defer to his way of doing things. Any sensible guy is innately into equality and against female objectification. No need to bother preaching.