Spouse feeling inadequate

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IlDestriero said:
I could never marry a woman with little or motivation or career goals. You're in college, wait till she's overwhelmed with childcare activities, etc. A stay at home mom who needs a nanny is soo sexy.
Well maybe the nanny will be. 😉
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There is so much more to a person than career goals.
 
Brain Bucket said:
There is so much more to a person than career goals.
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But all these feelings of inadequacy that result from one person in a relationship being a lazy **** and totally not motivated to do anything in life that get projected onto the partner is, at least for me, a deal breaker
 
fancymylotus said:
But all these feelings of inadequacy that result from one person in a relationship being a lazy **** and totally not motivated to do anything in life that get projected onto the partner is, at least for me, a deal breaker
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I don't know them, so I haven't written her off as such. I'm sure he sees something in her if he's so certain about marrying her. Some of the best (in every sense of the word) and most interesting people I know aren't particularly ambitious.
 
Brain Bucket said:
I don't know them, so I haven't written her off as such. I'm sure he sees something in her if he's so certain about marrying her. Some of the best (in every sense of the word) and most interesting people I know aren't particularly ambitious.
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Fair enough- I guess I'm just speaking from my own personal experience and opinions when I say that I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone like that.
 
fancymylotus said:
But all these feelings of inadequacy that result from one person in a relationship being a lazy **** and totally not motivated to do anything in life that get projected onto the partner is, at least for me, a deal breaker
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That's totally valid. We all have deal breakers
 
Kahreek said:
lol, you would have sounded less radical just saying you would take it. because the bold statement just shows that your belief in alimony being offensive to women is just bollocks full of pride.
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I'm still having a hard time figuring out why it would be offensive to women. If a female spouse is giving up a career and lives with a guy making money during that time and they have kids, I'm not sure why they decided to get married if it's not an entire halfsies thing. I just don't agree with the concept of paying out even after the marriage...but assets should be halved if you ask me. I don't see alimony as a dirty word. Not sure why some of you are trying to make it into one.
 
Anastomoses said:
I'm still having a hard time figuring out why it would be offensive to women. If a female spouse is giving up a career and lives with a guy making money during that time and they have kids, I'm not sure why they decided to get married if it's not an entire halfsies thing. I just don't agree with the concept of paying out even after the marriage...but assets should be halved if you ask me. I don't see alimony as a dirty word. Not sure why some of you are trying to make it into one.
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I just brought that up because of one previous post:
touchpause13 said:
Because all feminists believe in alimony 🙄
Most feminists I know HATE the concept. Myself included. It's basically the law saying women are too stupid and too depend to care for themselves.
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btw I too don't believe in alimony but believe in half split. I think we should get married Anastomoses and then divorce just because.
 
Kahreek said:
btw I too don't believe in alimony but believe in half split. I think we should get married Anastomoses and then divorce just because.
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Let's not and say we...let's just not.

The only problem with the halfsies thing is if there is a business the husband or wife co-owns. Then either you have to sell off the business or...keep giving profits?

Ugh, idiots...stop divorcing! Just take a vacation from one another for 6 months and then rekindle that spark?
 
Anastomoses said:
Let's not and say we...let's just not.

The only problem with the halfsies thing is if there is a business the husband or wife co-owns. Then either you have to sell off the business or...keep giving profits?

Ugh, idiots...stop divorcing! Just take a vacation from one another for 6 months and then rekindle that spark?
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rekindle that spark, your cute. 😀
 
Brain Bucket said:
There is so much more to a person than career goals.
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Yes, if a person doesn't have career goals (and they are fine with being a stay-at-home-person), then it's fine.

If they don't have career goals (and are concerned about not being equal to the other person in the relationship), then it's a concern, of which the future consequences, has to be considered.
 
southernIM said:
I know people who have not turned it down per say, but rather declined to seek it when they were likely to get awarded alimony. They simply wanted to cut the cord with their failed marriage and not feel in any way tied to their ex.
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You're kiddin' yourself. The "cord" can be cut, but alimony for life—thanks to modern technology—can go on without ever crossing paths.
 
croak said:
You're kiddin' yourself. The "cord" can be cut, but alimony for life—thanks to modern technology—can go on without ever crossing paths.
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I'm assuming with these folks it was less about having to directly interact with them than it was about having some connection/tie to that previous life. I haven't had intense discussions with them about their reasons for not seeking out alimony - just that they didn't want to and were eager to move on.
 
evilbooyaa said:
Yes, if a person doesn't have career goals (and they are fine with being a stay-at-home-person), then it's fine.

If they don't have career goals (and are concerned about not being equal to the other person in the relationship), then it's a concern, of which the future consequences, has to be considered.
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I was merely responding to IlDestriero's comments about people without goals. I'd already addressed the caveats earlier.
 
IlDestriero said:
I suspect that most of those without alimony took an up front settlement instead. Nobody is going to leave money on the table. That's stupid.
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People aren't countries. Sometimes they allow emotions to cloud logic. And sometimes they are even right because it's hard to quantify emotional satisfaction.

I once let an ex keep the $500 bike he bought me a year earlier and also bought him a trip to the Caribbean out of break-up guilt. At the time it felt curative. A year later I was like...wtf? But even so, it's cool.
 
Anastomoses said:
People aren't countries. Sometimes they allow emotions to cloud logic. And sometimes they are even right because it's hard to quantify emotional satisfaction.

I once let an ex keep the $500 bike he bought me a year earlier and also bought him a trip to the Caribbean out of break-up guilt. At the time it felt curative. A year later I was like...wtf? But even so, it's cool.
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you are a girl?
 
Apoplexy__ said:
Not a joke thread.

I've been fortunate enough to be successful in med school. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (extremely likely future wife) has gotten stuck in a bit of a rut lately. Her lifestyle is getting pretty stagnant due to a lack of motivation -- she works part-time in retail on the side, but is barely getting by in her undergrad classes which she hates while doing no extracurriculars. She absolutely hates college and spends a massive amount of time at home with me doing nothing (internet).

Honestly, that's not a problem at all with me. I know I'm being supportive, and I never bug her to "do more with her life" or imply that my time is more valuable than hers. But she puts it all on herself, comparing herself to my med school studying, extracurriculars, hobbies, and enthusiasm. And she feels guilty that she's going to end up relying on me to support her since she has no passion for any career in particular. She really earnestly wants to help, work hard, and "pull her weight" in everything we do, but she's stuck by being too overwhelmed/nonpassionate to take the first steps. It sucks to hurt someone else by fulfilling your passions.

I'm asking for any advice on how to approach this from people who have experienced a similar inferiority/inadequacy complex in their spouse. This is only a flare-up of a long-existing minor problem, which I know will continue on in the future. I need to be good about managing this now before our "provider-dependent" roles solidify post-residency.

Thanks.
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mulberry said:
Since when was that the norm in muslim households?
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I'm not making this up, but a good Muslim
friend was getting talks with a girl (they lock down and engage fast) and during the talks, the girl (dental school) straight up said her money would be extra to spend and his (my friend's who is in medical school) would be used to supply the household, kids, etc. Her dad was rich and a physician.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
 
Apoplexy__ said:
Not a joke thread.

I've been fortunate enough to be successful in med school. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (extremely likely future wife) has gotten stuck in a bit of a rut lately. Her lifestyle is getting pretty stagnant due to a lack of motivation -- she works part-time in retail on the side, but is barely getting by in her undergrad classes which she hates while doing no extracurriculars. She absolutely hates college and spends a massive amount of time at home with me doing nothing (internet).

Honestly, that's not a problem at all with me.
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You've probably described a majority of people outside the medical/academic atmosphere. I have plenty of friends like this. They work 9-5 and their life is spent outside of work. There is nothing wrong with not having motivation when it comes to your job.

Apoplexy__ said:
But she puts it all on herself, comparing herself to my med school studying, extracurriculars, hobbies, and enthusiasm. And she feels guilty that she's going to end up relying on me to support her since she has no passion for any career in particular. She really earnestly wants to help, work hard, and "pull her weight" in everything we do, but she's stuck by being too overwhelmed/nonpassionate to take the first steps. It sucks to hurt someone else by fulfilling your passions.
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This is the problem. Your passions should not be hurting your significant other. They should be supportive, regardless of how smart you are, good looking you are, or your career. The fact that your positive traits and ambition are hurting her shows that she may lack self-conficence, or may be dealing with difficulties with self-image. If it has only been happening recently, yeah depression/anxiety/etc may be a likely reason, but if it has always been there, it is a sign of bad things to come.

Sorry for your troubles Apoplexy. I wish you the best!
 
Backtothebasics8 said:
I'm not making this up, but a good Muslim
friend was getting talks with a girl (they lock down and engage fast) and during the talks, the girl (dental school) straight up said her money would be extra to spend and his (my friend's who is in medical school) would be used to supply the household, kids, etc. Her dad was rich and a physician.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
Click to expand...

Yah. Wouldn't be surprised. Daddy put his daughter on a pedestal and she is gonna whip your boy so damn fast he won't know what country he is in.

Some dudes like that tho.

A lot of these desi chicks are basic bishes anyway. NOT ALL.... but A lot.

Buddy of mine is getting locked down with one but he won't do it without a prenup.

BTW... how many of y'all have signed a pre-nup or anything and what are y'alls thoughts on 'em?
 
Last edited:
Apoplexy__ said:
Not a joke thread.

I've been fortunate enough to be successful in med school. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (extremely likely future wife) has gotten stuck in a bit of a rut lately. Her lifestyle is getting pretty stagnant due to a lack of motivation -- she works part-time in retail on the side, but is barely getting by in her undergrad classes which she hates while doing no extracurriculars. She absolutely hates college and spends a massive amount of time at home with me doing nothing (internet).

Honestly, that's not a problem at all with me. I know I'm being supportive, and I never bug her to "do more with her life" or imply that my time is more valuable than hers. But she puts it all on herself, comparing herself to my med school studying, extracurriculars, hobbies, and enthusiasm. And she feels guilty that she's going to end up relying on me to support her since she has no passion for any career in particular. She really earnestly wants to help, work hard, and "pull her weight" in everything we do, but she's stuck by being too overwhelmed/nonpassionate to take the first steps. It sucks to hurt someone else by fulfilling your passions.

I'm asking for any advice on how to approach this from people who have experienced a similar inferiority/inadequacy complex in their spouse. This is only a flare-up of a long-existing minor problem, which I know will continue on in the future. I need to be good about managing this now before our "provider-dependent" roles solidify post-residency.

Thanks.
Click to expand...

Dump her fam. She's dead weight. She's holding you back.
 
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