Thank you letters...

[Nephromaniac]

So, just looking for some opinions... I'm currently writing a thank you letter for a scholarship I received. First, I'm finding it a bit harder than others b/c I can't really find out much background info about the donor, but I've come up with some stuff...

My main question is if you folks think it would come off flaky to mention that it brought tears to my eyes. I first thought it'd be ok to include, as it helps express the gratitude, emotion, etc... but then started thinking that maybe it'd sound odd or fake in a letter, unprofessional, etc. Of course, as the typical pre-vet / vet-student, I have a tendency to over think everything, & figured I'd seek out the wiseness that is SDN!

Thanks!

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[Tiktaalik]

I try to always say what I genuinely feel in thank you notes - it makes them seem less like a formality.

(I just mailed 11 of them today, lol)

 

[luplodw]

I think its great to include that! It will really make the person happy to know that you were so moved by it.

 

[der2002]

um, I just hope you don't actually write "it brought tears to my eyes." While I'm sure your sentiment is true, that phrase sounds trite. You should, however, talk about how you were moved by the generous offer of the scholarship, just not in those words.

 

[Nephromaniac]

Thanks for the input thus far!
der... that is the conundrum though, lol... I feel like most phrases are somewhat overused to a point, & want to express my sincerity w/o sounding like I'm TRYING to make it sound sincere, if that makes any sense. And admittedly, I'm out of practice of writing scholarship TY's, and have never written one for a scholarship I haven't applied for, & thus feel like I can't relate to the donor as personally as I have in the past. If anyone is interested in reading it & giving some feedback, it'd be appreciated, but if not, no biggie!

 

[scb44f]

Maybe you could explain why it brought a tear to your eye (which would most likely lead into what you will do with the money, which is a big part of scholarship thank you letters).

I've never teared up from receiving a scholarship (but I understand the excitement! Congrats btw), but I imagine if I had, I would have said something along the lines of:

"Your financial support will allow me to have a less stressful college experience because I will put this money toward books and supplies. Normally I would have worried about finances and making time for a job on top of classes, but now I can focus on academics and be a more successful student. I appreciate your generous help and ..." (that sounds awkward but you know what I mean) etc.

 

[BlacKAT33]

Maybe you could explain why it brought a tear to your eye

this is a good idea!


also, maybe instead of "brought tears to my eyes" you could say something similar but not the same like "overcome with emotion" or something lol

 

[Tiktaalik]

Show, don't tell, I agree.
Instead of referring to the emotion, describe the circumstance that evoked it, like in scb44f's example. You don't want to get too close to condensing it to a single sentence (overcome with emotion, brought tears to my eyes, made me feel x), because it will come out cliché.

 

[Nephromaniac]

Haha... I've never teared up before either, definitely caught me off guard. I think the biggest part was not expecting it all... It was selection via the scholarship committee, so not something I applied for.

And that's kinda what I ended up changing it to BlackKAT (great minds, eh?)... and think I found something suitable. It still doesn't feel 100% to me... but I think there comes a point with something like this where you can mess with something too much, lol.

Here's what I came up with...

I would like to express my sincere gratitude to you for making the Myron Taylor Myers Scholarship in Veterinary Medicine possible. I was honored to learn of my selection for this scholarship and cannot adequately express how much it means to me to receive this gift.

As I draw near the end of my first year here at the University of Tennessee, it is still difficult for me to believe that I am truly here, beginning the journey of achieving something I have dreamed of and worked towards for as long as I can remember. It has been a rough, but most certainly rewarding year, and I was overwhelmed to receive such generous support. To some a $2500 scholarship may not seem like much more than a "drop in the bucket" of vet school debt, but to me it means the difference between choosing only the textbooks absolutely necessary for class and being able to choose the textbooks I feel could most benefit from; between worrying about monetary issues at home and focusing my attention on making the most of this amazing opportunity I have before me. (I feel like maybe there should be something else here, but I don't know what)


Again, I would like to extend my sincerest appreciation on behalf of myself and the countless other students the Myron Taylor Myers Scholarships have benefited throughout the years. The veterinary profession is richer for your tremendous commitment to our community.

Edit: And probably someone will laugh at me for having to ask this... but should it be dreamt? Word kept telling me it was wrong... but I thought "have dreamt" was correct

 

[Tiktaalik]

Edit: And probably someone will laugh at me for having to ask this... but should it be dreamt? Word kept telling me it was wrong... but I thought "have dreamt" was correct

Dreamt is more British, dreamed is more American. It doesn't really matter.

Also, I don't know if I'd say that the award might seem a drop in the bucket to some. You might want to skirt around that bit. Otherwise, it looks good - very grateful, but not super-duper over-the-top.

 

[twelvetigers]

Dreamt is one of those Shakespeare-invented words, I think. It just kinda stuck after a while.

ETA: I think that's an excellent thank you note.

 

[Nephromaniac]

I did consider the drop in the bucket comment... but I like the concept & don't know how to (or can't think of how to right now, lol... stupid exams) reword it to get the same message across. And it mainly was inspired directly by 2 comments I got when sharing the news (a friend commenting that it didn't seem like very much, & my mom asking why it was so little - I was stunned!!! To me, right now it seems like a million!)

And thanks for clearing up the dreamed / dreamt thing... at least I feel less crazy, lol

 

[cowgirla]

A few little things:
"express my gratitude to you:" Can you drop the "to you" part? Sounds a little redundant...after all, somebody's name got put on the envelope, so they can assume you are expressing to them.

"the drop in the bucket". I would drop it, no pun intended. Don't want them to think you were even remotely thinking about the amount, and it not being enough. When you write your Grandma a thank you card, do you say "thanks for the ten bucks, grandma?" Usually, no. The amount is generally left out.

The word "rough." Nothing personal, I just don't like it Unless you're talking about texture, can't you just say "difficult?" or something else more to the effect of a feeling rather than a physical characteristic?


"and I was overwhelmed" I would stick with the present tense of "I am." After all, you're still grateful, aren't you? Also, in the next sentence you say "it means," so you don't want to be changing tense around too much.

Is sincerest a real word? That one looks funny. Most sincere, maybe? I don't trust MS Word when it comes to stuff like that.



I'm a bit of Nazi at times, and a little set in my ways with certain phrasings and wordings, so don't mind me Good work with the letter, though. Really wasn't too much I could say, although you probably do need another sentence in there at the end of that first paragraph.

 

[scb44f]

That looks wonderful. I can definitely feel the emotion but, like someone else said, it's not too over the top. Nice job!

 

[Tiktaalik]

Is sincerest a real word? That one looks funny. Most sincere, maybe? I don't trust MS Word when it comes to stuff like that.

I think it's one of those that can go both ways.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sincere

That was a good way of expressing my issue with the bucket thing - I know the OP wants to explain that she's truly appreciative of the gift, and that it makes a real difference that it might not for others, but it's kind of like saying "Thanks for the $10, grandma - it wasn't much, but I managed to find some cute boots at TJMaxx on sale." While 'grandma' might be happy you got good use out of her gift, mention of the size might be a little awkward.

Plus, "drop in the bucket" is a cliché, so I'd kill it for that offense alone even if I had no other reason.

 

[Nephromaniac]

Changed rough to challenging. Thanks... I agree, rough sounded awkward. Also, thanks for the tense check... I've always been notoriously awful at coordinating my tenses, as simple as it is, lol.

Sincerest I was taught back in HS, so I think it's ok... although who knows with the way they like to change rules, & maybe I'll change it just to be safe unless anyone else knows better... btw I just recently found out that you no longer have to have the comma right before "and" in a list of stuff in case anyone was curious (like... "i went to the store to get apples, bananas, oranges, and pears" the last comma doesn't need to be there, who knew? ).

Likewise with the "to you"... something about it adding emphasis or personalization... especially w/ apologies I guess (/shrug... I dunno, I just work here). But I'll try having my bf read it aloud to me both ways & see how it sounds.

"the drop in the bucket" --> definitely going to try & think of something better, but it will have to wait until my brain is less angry at me. Until then, if anyone has any ideas / concepts to still provide a lead in to why it benefits me so much I'd love to hear them (although I know it's hard with ya'll not being me & all, lol). I just want to avoid just repeating "I'm so grateful b/c" or just being like "I will do this with yo' money" which is about all I can think of right now.

And thank you all so much for the input! I really appreciate it! (You're gonna help me write my TY letter to you guys next right? Hehe )

Edit: What do you think about just saying "To me this scholarship means the difference between..." or should I try to find a substitute lead-in?

 

[der2002]

what you've written so far clearly comes from a deeply sincere place and is a good start, but I think you really need to condense that one really long paragraph. You are overwhelmed with emotion, yes, but you don't need to make that paragraph sound so overwrought and redundant. A simple, cogent letter of gratitude would suffice.

and congrats on getting a scholarship!

 

[der2002]

I know this isn't quite in your own words, but I was wondering if you might want to tighten your letter somewhat along the lines of:

I would like to express my sincere gratitude to the committee for distinguishing me with Myron Taylor Myers Scholarship in Veterinary Medicine.


My path towards veterinary medicine here at the University of Tennessee has been a long and challenging one at times and I am tremendously moved to receive such generous support from you all. The $2500 scholarship gift ensures that I can comfortably purchase all the textbooks I may need and provides me with the necessary funding to focus my attention on making the most of this amazing veterinary opportunity I have before me.



Again, I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation on behalf of myself and the countless other students who have benefitted (sp?) from the Myron Taylor Myers Scholarship throughout the years. The veterinary profession is richer for your tremendous commitment to our community.

 

[BlacKAT33]

I also think the "drop in the bucket" should be removed. its one of those things that people can infer themselves, and shouldnt be literally mentioned. Showing your appreciation (by simply writing the letter) will let them know that to YOU it means A LOT. and that is the point you are trying to get through

I like the way that der2002 went into it "The $2500 scholarship gift ensures that..." i think if you put this and describe everything else you did, they will know and understand why this means so much to you.

overall though, great job on the letter !!

 

[Tiktaalik]

Edit: What do you think about just saying "To me this scholarship means the difference between..." or should I try to find a substitute lead-in?

That sounds great. The quality of the note isn't lessened any if you do that, and it avoids the problem, so I say go for it.

 

[Nephromaniac]

Just wanted to thank you all again for your comments & suggestions! Sent in the email copy to my dean (required for record) & he loved it!