Things I Learn From My Patients

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If you're an aging, disorderly indigent, and you're feeling a bit of the crazies coming on, you should definitely smear your own **** all over yourself to make it harder for the cops to bring you in...and give some lucky soul the pleasure of cleaning you off.
 
At the ED that I volunteer at, a young male was brought in from labour and delivery with a big cut above his right eye.
Apparently, while watching his wife give birth, he fainted and hit his head on the ground.
The good news is, he is now the father of a beautiful baby boy!
 
...always use the Albuterol MDI you received from the ED for your "asthma" right before you smoke your crack for a much quicker and satisfying high... 👍

...let's not forget to pick out the used Fentanyl patches from the dumpsters outside the pain/hospice clinic and either (a) attempt to stick them all over any available skin surface, or (b) scrape off the residue from the patches and rub it inside your cheek....these actions greatly facilitate your RSI when you come in obtunded 👍


Gosh, I luv my job -- :laugh:

Kat
 
Bunny-Slave...I PM'd you. How's life in Po-Town?
 
If you're coming in to the ED to see your "friend", it would be wise if you knew what his last name was, and not to change your story about his injury from "gunshot wound" to "car accident" to "gash in leg" when you speak to myself and two other people.
 
vanelo said:
If an 83-year old man arrives choking to the ER and you manage to remove the piece of meat that was blocking his airway, do leave the piece of meat in the tray so that the 17 year old drunk/stoned pt you have in the other bed can eat it.

Totally gross 😱
Click to expand...

Barf me out 😱
 
Unfortunately true...........

In some neighborhoods they should put up signs in pet stores saying those little white mice are not intended for your sexual enjoyment.
Especially if you are a 350 pound woman and your many folds and orifices constitute a veritable maze. Ugh, it would have been kinder to feed the mice to a snake.......
 
oompaloompa said:
Unfortunately true...........

In some neighborhoods they should put up signs in pet stores saying those little white mice are not intended for your sexual enjoyment.
Especially if you are a 350 pound woman and your many folds and orifices constitute a veritable maze. Ugh, it would have been kinder to feed the mice to a snake.......
Click to expand...

So here's what this post did to my brain...obese woman --> mice --> maze --> cheese --> vagina --> dead mice in the cheesy maze of an obese woman's vagina :scared: 😱 :scared: 😱

Thanks I'll be getting that job at Blockbuster now....

And mice...plural?! 😱
 
oompaloompa said:
Unfortunately true...........

In some neighborhoods they should put up signs in pet stores saying those little white mice are not intended for your sexual enjoyment.
Especially if you are a 350 pound woman and your many folds and orifices constitute a veritable maze. Ugh, it would have been kinder to feed the mice to a snake.......
Click to expand...

Some patients can be so imaginative... 😱
 
vanelo said:
Some patients can be so imaginative... 😱
Click to expand...


you bet, I wasn't personally involved in the above incident, but I was in the ED when it went down. this was in the Parkland ER in downtown Dallas. you definitely see some freaky **** there. sad thing is, it's only one of the dirty things people there have done with animals. another case involves a woman, tuna fish in special place, a cat, and a subsequent infection. Enough said. I promise not to tell any more stories, but let me tell you - after a while your opinion of the human race drops precipitously. here's hoping most of you never encounter such degenerates.
 
oompaloompa said:
another case involves a woman, tuna fish in special place, a cat, and a subsequent infection. Enough said. I promise not to tell any more stories, but let me tell you - after a while your opinion of the human race drops precipitously. here's hoping most of you never encounter such degenerates.
Click to expand...

Der are sum freaks in Dallas 😱
 
From the Patient Wisdom File:

Priority One: Keep shoes clean
Priority Two: Protect (presumed) contraband in jacket
Priority Three: Achieve hemostasis

--Funkless

P.S. Some surgeons don't respond to "Baby" or "Boo."
 
Xanax + EtOH + Lexus + 75 mph + you = airborne

The best demeanor to exhibit upon arrival in the ED is one of haughtiness. The doctors, nurses, and suture techs will all be most impressed with your imperious manner and how you've just taken your PCAT and will be going to pharmacy school next year. Demand to see your father's attorney (maybe he can get you uncuffed.)

--Funkless
 
Speaking of airborne...

If you're a motocross biker who specializes in jumping your dirtbike 40 ft. in the air, and you just so happen to miss your ramp, the best way to land is directly on your noggin.

In the shock trauma ward, when they ask if you have any allergies, the appropriate response is "penicillin...and...autograph signing..." The year is "1984."

Though your vertebrae will turn out to be (miraculously) just fine, bear in mind that your brain is still (paradoxically) a little too big--you won't be going home tonight.

--Funkless

P.S. Busy night.
 
(Funk, please enlighten those of us who aren't sure if your avatar is what it looks like, or the other thing it sorta looks like... Umm, what is that?)
 
Nasal concha, compliments of SDN member "stoic."
 
Sorry. Hadn't thought about that.

Will change it tonight.
 
Thanks funkless, the kids were starting to ask questions!
 
beanbean said:
Thanks funkless, the kids were starting to ask questions!
Click to expand...

I'm the guy in the local public library with netters opened up to the urogenital triangle...
 
You gotta love Netter exhibitionism. I inadvertently did that a couple of times at the gym.

Afterward, I realized that the sight of me running on a treadmill with a picture of the female pelvis in front of me is like seeing a donkey chase after a carrot on a stick.
 
Completely off the topic of this thread, but my girls (ages 6 and 8) were thumbing through the color picture gallery in my First Aid for Step 1 Book. They were asking all sorts of questions, but were particularly curious about the penis with a big ole' syphilis chancre. My eight year old exclaimed that she had always wanted to see what an adult penis actually looked like (her little brother's doesn't count). I assured her that most do not have gaping sores on them and that there was no need for her to see any others for quite a few years to come.

We also used my Kaplan MCAT Bio book for the "where do babies come from question" a few years ago. It was in the car when the question was asked and provided some visual clarity.


Back to the thread: Heard this one second hand today: If you are six and might have a concussion, your parents will probably take you to see your family doc. Since you really aren't looking to great and are still pretty woosy, your PCP will advise your Mom to take you to the Children's ED for an evaluation. As you are leaving, be sure to vomit ALL over your four year-old sister (yes, we're talking right in her face). It will take the rest of your childhood to make it up to her.
 
My kids have also gotten the Netter-enhanced anatomy lessons. They (one of each) were asking where urine comes from and why it comes out different plumbing. My wife gave me a look that left no doubt who would be answering those questions.

Out came the Netters and I gave them a detailed lecture on urine. So far, it has achieved the desired result...I bored them into not asking where babies come from. 😀

Take care,
Jeff
 
funkless said:
You gotta love Netter exhibitionism. I inadvertently did that a couple of times at the gym.

Afterward, I realized that the sight of me running on a treadmill with a picture of the female pelvis in front of me is like seeing a donkey chase after a carrot on a stick.
Click to expand...

I used to ride the greyhound from NYC to Providence every weekend during first year of med school to see my fiance. I found that if you sat in the aisle seat and opened the photographic anatomy atlas (author?) nobody would sit next to you.
 
ERMudPhud said:
I used to ride the greyhound from NYC to Providence every weekend during first year of med school to see my fiance. I found that if you sat in the aisle seat and opened the photographic anatomy atlas (author?) nobody would sit next to you.
Click to expand...

Rohen & Yokochi...another fine study aid.
 
If you're in the ER for something stupid like a work note I can kick you out on your ass with nothing so it's unwise to begin our conversation with the question "Do you know how long I had to wait motherf---er?"
 
docB said:
If you're in the ER for something stupid like a work note I can kick you out on your ass with nothing so it's unwise to begin our conversation with the question "Do you know how long I had to wait motherf---er?"
Click to expand...

I know, right. What the hell is wrong with these people? Just today, in the Pedi ER, we had a woman with four kids tell the triage nurse they all had raging bloody diarrhea. Only after I after I spent an hour getting a very questionable history and doing a physical exam on her badly behaved, but obviously healthy kids did she admit the truth: she wanted a required physical for the kid's daycare and made up the bloody diarrhea thing because she thought she would be seen faster.

I'm quite sure that this moment was the beginning of that eye twitch I've developed. I can't believe anyone would lie about something so important, and then TELL me straight up about it! (while waving her hand and bobbing her head from side to side in a fashion obviously meant to intimidate me )
She said that since I had already examined her kids, it wouldn't be any trouble to just fill out the daycare forms. I wanted to drag her outside and point to the big sign that said F-ing EMERGENCY room, not the filling-out-paperwork-for-your-convenience room. I was really at loss at how to respond. Fortunately, my resident (who aside from being the coolest resident ever, also looks just like Halle Berry) stepped in and let the bitch have it. It was beautiful. :laugh:

Even though I admit the main reason I was so mad was that she had wasted my time, there were some truly sick kids that have to wait hours longer because of this nutjob and others like her. It's not right. I heard that things like this were getting so bad that the legislature was considering a fine for "blatent abuse of a county ER". Does anyone know anything about this?
 
to back legislation punishing"blatent abuse of a county ER". Does anyone know anything about this? "
 
After discuusing work and enduring a blood alcohol level > the legal limit at the guys hang out; it is important to remember that a parked car that decided to crash you as you passed it... is the least of your worries!

More important is understanding that the ET-Tube that seperates you from the bright light, can very easily be removed by a very irrate wife. One who just prior to trying to end the pressure support ventilation, has engaged in a very prosperous conversation with another lovely female named stupid ho.

The ICU was pleased to know that the stupid ho would not be joining the couples room for the next two weeks. No this was a party for two, a romantic get away from the home... a two week vacation filled with TV, propofol, and TPN with the romantic music of a code to soothe the couples love......

The wife always find out.
 
rn2md10 said:
After discuusing work and enduring a blood alcohol level > the legal limit at the guys hang out; it is important to remember that a parked car that decided to crash you as you passed it... is the least of your worries!

More important is understanding that the ET-Tube that seperates you from the bright light, can very easily be removed by a very irrate wife. One who just prior to trying to end the pressure support ventilation, has engaged in a very prosperous conversation with another lovely female named stupid ho.

The ICU was pleased to know that the stupid ho would not be joining the couples room for the next two weeks. No this was a party for two, a romantic get away from the home... a two week vacation filled with TV, propofol, and TPN with the romantic music of a code to soothe the couples love......
Click to expand...

😱


The wife always find out.
Click to expand...

I have seen a couple of those myself, and the wife always wins!!!
 
rn2md10 said:
The wife always find out.
Click to expand...

To all of my single male friends who have yet to experience the joys of matrimony, please learn this now. Add to that this little phrase that has kept my 15 year marriage going:

The wife is always right.

You'll save yourself SO much misery. Besides, you don't actually have to believe it. Just consider it our little way of "faking it".

Take care,
Jeff
 
Things I Learned on an Ambulance:

$60 buys a LOT of crack. However, some people apparently have this "tolerance" thing going on...

(Prelude: I still don't believe that this f'n guy smoked $60 of rock by himself, but so he said, and this was a "cultured" crack abuser, with nice job, nice zip code, nice clothes, etc...)

BP 155/85 (Unbelievable.)
Glucose 170--no food in 12+ hours, just foaties.
EKG normal; slight tach.

Spent the entire ride from pickup to ER staring at me and saying, "HEY! you! My safin heredog?" and pulling at his IV. 🙄

--funkless
 
funkless said:
$60 buys a LOT of crack. However, some people apparently have this "tolerance" thing going on...
Click to expand...

Note: He insisted it was crack, not straight-up coke. ($60 of coke wouldn't be nearly as impressive...)
 
docB said:
If you come to the ER with a chief complaint of "I got bumps on my dick" I will have to look at your penis. This does not mean I'm "some kind of gayrod" and your comments are definitely not appreciated.
Click to expand...
what did he say after you told him you needed to amputate his pecker? 🙂
 
Kinda like the drunk guy who insisted I had to jack him off before I could stick the foley in. He wasn't so happy later when he realized the reason his leg hurt was because it was twisted around backward, from the nice compound femur fracture, secondary to walking in front of a pickup that was moving.
 
If your mom really likes to party and never met a drug she didn't like you probably shouldn't leave her alone in your house. When you come back 4 hours later she will have gone through all your booze, pot, crack, meth, and I think PCP and then completely trashed your house while for some reason smearing feces all over your living room. Then she will be brought to my ER where she will fall only one drug short (opiates) of a perfect score on my tox screen.
 
ERMudPhud said:
If your mom really likes to party and never met a drug she didn't like you probably shouldn't leave her alone in your house. When you come back 4 hours later she will have gone through all your booze, pot, crack, meth, and I think PCP and then completely trashed your house while for some reason smearing feces all over your living room. Then she will be brought to my ER where she will fall only one drug short (opiates) of a perfect score on my tox screen.
Click to expand...

At least he knows what to get her for Mother's Day.
 
Wanting a sandwich and thinking you are on death's door are not incompatible. Also, the price for a cigarette is apparently the carton of milk that came with you EDmcMeal.
 
I had 2 patients in my ED and they were these two Polish guys who went to the Westside of Chicago (Very poor and predominantly Black). Anyways, the driver didnt feel that the passenger could adequately count the H they just bought off of the street. So instead of parking somewhere and counting the passenger would steer while the driver would operate the pedals.

Then they crashed into a City of Chicago truck. There is a sure way to go to the slammer.
 
Last night I learned that if the "Homeboy Ambulance Service" brings in a patient with GSW/ GSW's to the head and then ditches the car in our driveway, the driveway is suddenly a crime scene. We got our whole quota of "TV show moments" for the month filled in about 45 minutes.

True to their reputation, the HBAS did a very good job getting the pt to us. Strong work, Guy-Without-A-Car-Today! 👍
 
Febrifuge said:
Last night I learned that if the "Homeboy Ambulance Service" brings in a patient with GSW/ GSW's to the head and then ditches the car in our driveway, the driveway is suddenly a crime scene. We got our whole quota of "TV show moments" for the month filled in about 45 minutes.

True to their reputation, the HBAS did a very good job getting the pt to us. Strong work, Guy-Without-A-Car-Today! 👍
Click to expand...

At Davis we had this guy drive a pimped out, black BMW into the ambi bay. He parked, got out and was yelling at someone on a cell phone (arranging the reprisal no doubt). A tech started to tell him to move his car when he saw the blood pumping ot of the guy's neck, all the bullet holes in the car and the body in the passenger seat. Just like it was for Febrifuge the ambi bay became a crime scene and all the ambi pts had to be wheeled in through the waiting room.
 
A lesson that has come up both in the ED and in DA Club, but not from personal experience of course.... if "da bitch says she was clean" she is in fact a dirty skank, and when you get the herp, the clap or whatever the kids give each other these days, don't threaten to cut her or kill her while in a full ED in plane site of the nurses, physicians, other patients and within ear shot of the ED officer/Statey.
 
jjcoo79 said:
if "da bitch says she was clean" she is in fact a dirty skank
Click to expand...

Yep. She's got gonoherpesyphillAIDS, every time...
 
ERMudPhud said:
If your mom really likes to party and never met a drug she didn't like you probably shouldn't leave her alone in your house. When you come back 4 hours later she will have gone through all your booze, pot, crack, meth, and I think PCP and then completely trashed your house while for some reason smearing feces all over your living room. Then she will be brought to my ER where she will fall only one drug short (opiates) of a perfect score on my tox screen.
Click to expand...

Shoulda slipped a little mofeen into the line and sent it again....just to print it out and put it on the wall.
 
In a long discussion with multiple complaints tonight, a woman confessed to me she's been having chills and coughing up "Yellow Mutants" Wonder if they'll show up on the xray?
 
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