Things I Learn From My Patients

[wthomp03]

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Two things I learned recently:
1. Percocet can be snorted
2. Labia minora can be stretched to a woman's knees (don't try this at home)

 

[GiJoe]

i learned that you should make sure your patients dont pop a coumadin before having an MI

 

[docB]

Two things I learned recently:
1. Percocet can be snorted
2. Labia minora can be stretched to a woman's knees (don't try this at home)

Did you learn this in the ER or at one of those special clubs in Tijuanna?

 

[wthomp03]

Did you learn this in the ER or at one of those special clubs in Tijuanna?

In the ER of course. If anyone tells you they have the video from Tijuanna, they lie!!! And the parts about the donkey are untrue also. 😱

 

[toofache32]

2. Labia minora can be stretched to a woman's knees (don't try this at home)

I dated this girl once who....ummmm, nevermind.

 

[VienneseWaltz]

i learned that you should make sure your patients dont pop a coumadin before having an MI

Also true that you shouldn't take your nitro because you feel dizzy.

 

[ERMudPhud]

I learned what a urethral vibrator is and that if you let go of it it will end up floating in your bladder while still running

 

[Jeff698]

I learned what a urethral vibrator is and that if you let go of it it will end up floating in your bladder while still running

For some reason, that strikes me as fundamentally more wrong that most of the other stuff we've talked about here. Shiver.

Take care,
Jeff

 

[heldicus]

I read that in a book somewhere too.

Here's the book 😉

Oh...Ice Burn.

 

[docB]

The statement "I'm not hearing voices. They're just talking to themselves." will still result in a psych hold.

 

[AzMichelle]

Ah. I guess we're behind the times here in Baltimore ... 😉

Obviously, our narcotic seekers are farrrr more talented than yours! 😀

 

[riakari]

If you have a nose bleed, no matter how bad, it is probably not a good idea to use your wife/girlfriend's Super Absorbant Tampon to stop the bleeding. The FastTrack guys loved that one. 😉

Sorry if this one has been mentioned, I skipped about 15 pages of stuff, but had to comment.

 

[Gregg]

If you have a nose bleed, no matter how bad, it is probably not a good idea to use your wife/girlfriend's Super Absorbant Tampon to stop the bleeding. The FastTrack guys loved that one. 😉

Sorry if this one has been mentioned, I skipped about 15 pages of stuff, but had to comment.

We use tampons all the time in rugby to conrol nosebleeds. Of course we only use the small ones...
😳

 

[quideam]

In ice hockey we routinely used tampons for nose bleeds... of course, that was women's ice hockey 😉

 

[Febrifuge]

Yeah, EMT-wise, that's a totally valid way to deal with a bad epistaxis, at least until you can get to the ED and have it re-packed (in what is after all really similar stuff). I have a free sample size of the little OB guys in my car kit.

 

[ISU_Steve]

I carry two "Rhino-rocket" epistaxis packs in my first aid kit for just such an occasion(my mother gets uncontrollable nosebleeds quite frequently).

On a similar note, it is good idea to explain to someone the procedure of posterior nasal packing using a foley cather, some fishing line and rolled up gauze BEFORE getting to the point where the patient is sitting there with strings hanging out of their mouth and you're tying them to the gauze. "So how is that gauze going to get into my nose". Ah, the joys of wilderness EMS....

 

[spyderdoc]

When patients with altered mental status are admitted, please remove the frickin dentures!!! This will prevent me from having to run up to the ICU for a code blue, only to notice his partial denture sticking out of his trachea while trying to intubate him.....

This happened to me on my shift tonight! The denture was easily removed with a McGill forcep and the intubation was easy as 123... 👍

 

[toofache32]

When patients with altered mental status are admitted, please remove the frickin dentures!!! This will prevent me from having to run up to the ICU for a code blue, only to notice his partial denture sticking out of his trachea while trying to intubate him.....

And when you call OMFS for a "mobile maxilla" in the trauma bay, make sure it's not just their damn dentures.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Sometimes it just takes a DDS to diagnose that though.....that's why you have that extra 4 yrs of schooling..... 😉

 

[toofache32]

Sometimes it just takes a DDS to diagnose that though.....that's why you have that extra 4 yrs of schooling..... 😉

4 years? I went to a 6-month co-op course where they just taught us to step on that pedal thingy. Oh yeah...and count to 32.

Sorry....I'll now return you to your previously scheduled thread...

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Foreign grad dentist eh?

 

[AzMichelle]

I learned what a urethral vibrator is and that if you let go of it it will end up floating in your bladder while still running

Okay, I'm stunned. I had no idea there was such a thing.

I live SUCH a sheltered life.

 

[toofache32]

Okay, I'm stunned. I had no idea there was such a thing.

I live SUCH a sheltered life.

Well today's your lucky day:

http://cgi.ebay.com/5-Mini-Travel-V...7549428946QQcategoryZ1063QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

 

[docB]

Las Vegas is a wonderful playground where fantasies come true. Some fantasies that won't come true include:
-You can't quit taking your Lasix while you're here. In fact if you're going to drink booze and eat all you can eat at the buffet you definitely need it.
-You can't quit using your oxygen just because you're here. You probably shouldn't start smoking again just because you're on vacation. This combination will likely result in you smoking a plastic tube.
-If you can't walk up your stairs at home without having shortness of breath and chest pain it is lunacy to think that you can walk from Mandalay Bay to Fremont Street in 115 degree heat.
-If your girlfriend gets drunk don't throw her over your shoulder and try to carry her up to your room. Hotel security will think you are date raping her. When they confront you make nice or you will wind up in the bed next to her. Hotel security has no sense of humor.
-If you come to the ER complaining of nausea and vomiting and your diet for the last 24 hours consists of 22 beers, 10 mai tais, 50 extra hot chicken wings and a massive helping of the luke warm, semi cooked krab legs it's not food poisoning. It's stupitity.

 

[GoodMonkey]

I learned what a urethral vibrator is and that if you let go of it it will end up floating in your bladder while still running

holy.freakin.cow 😱

 

[TysonCook]

That you can be given a citation for a tattoo on your back, and be forced by law to wear clothing if you have two people complain in a public place.

This tattoo is somewhat graphic so don't complain if you can't handle a naked lady being somewhat "liberal" in her sexuality. He had recieved two citations in the last year, and yes, he did regret getting it...

LINK REMOVED due to HIPAA threats 🙁 ...

FYI:The tatoo that was mentioned has a full back picture of a woman on all fours pleasuring herself w/her fingers and some "drippings" falling on the name "Mr. Big".

(On another note, we had full permission from the patient to photograph the tatoo (which was done by many people), and had verbal permission to post).

If you really think about it, he was given tickets for publically showing his tatoo, so I don't think that posting a picture of his tatoo on a public forum(which he himself made public multiple times) would be a HIPAA violation...but then again, I'm not going to get sued 🙄 .

 

[Paws]

That you can be given a citation for a tatoo on your back, and be forced by law to wear clothing if you have two people complain in a public place.

This tatoo is somewhat graphic so don't complain if you can't handle a naked lady being somewhat "liberal" in her sexuality. He had recieved two citations in the last year, and yes, he did regret getting it...

http://www.tysoncook.com/ED/mr big.htm

😱

Whoa Nelly!

I hear laser stuff works real well on tattoos these days ...

 

[Febrifuge]

Wow, and the art is pretty amateurish, too. You could at least have a graphic tattoo with proper perspective and shading.

 

[Apollyon]

That you can be given a citation for a tattoo on your back, and be forced by law to wear clothing if you have two people complain in a public place.

This tattoo is somewhat graphic so don't complain if you can't handle a naked lady being somewhat "liberal" in her sexuality. He had recieved two citations in the last year, and yes, he did regret getting it...

http://www.tysoncook.com/ED/mr big.htm

And the tattoo....has a tattoo on the cheek of her ass.

I second the "prison tat" quality - if you're going to do it, do it right!

 

[FoughtFyr]

I second the "prison tat" quality - if you're going to do it, do it right!

Well now think about it. It probably was a prison tat. That way while, well doing what men do in prison {shudder}, his boyfriend could have a more "pleasant" mental image {shuddering again}.

Don't be a hater, I'm just pointing out the obvious...

- H

 

[toofache32]

Well now think about it. It probably was a prison tat. That way while, well doing what men do in prison {shudder}, his boyfriend could have a more "pleasant" mental image {shuddering again}.

Don't be a hater, I'm just pointing out the obvious...

- H

Ok...I wish you hadn't pointed that out. That's a mental image I didn't want.

 

[Jambi]

Well now think about it. It probably was a prison tat. That way while, well doing what men do in prison {shudder}, his boyfriend could have a more "pleasant" mental image {shuddering again}.

Don't be a hater, I'm just pointing out the obvious...

- H

music
And the guards payed no attention to his crys...
/music

 

[USCDiver]

I learned recently that despite driving themselves to the ER, one family didn't know where they were.

Had a patient in the peds ED the other day, mother had brought her in because she was coughing and not talking right. After much teeth-pulling and workup for 'vomiting' (aka drooling) finally decided to get a CXR. Low and behold! There's a coin there. "A what?" says mom. "A coin, you know money. We're going to call the throat doctors to come take that out for you." "Will we have to go to the hospital for that?"

🙄

 

[AzMichelle]

Well today's your lucky day:

http://cgi.ebay.com/5-Mini-Travel-V...7549428946QQcategoryZ1063QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

How the heck does that fit in a urethra? That looks like a regular old dildo. Just ... short. I have read this and reread so I don't embarrass myself. But that looks like your standard issue dildo, how does it end up floating in a bladder? I could see a vaginal vibrating "object" but I guess I was imagining something that goes elsewhere.

Otherwise gawd, that's gotta hurt like hell! 😱

 

[AzMichelle]

That you can be given a citation for a tattoo on your back, and be forced by law to wear clothing if you have two people complain in a public place.

This tattoo is somewhat graphic so don't complain if you can't handle a naked lady being somewhat "liberal" in her sexuality. He had recieved two citations in the last year, and yes, he did regret getting it...

http://www.tysoncook.com/ED/mr big.htm

If my b/f had that on his back (or his front), would it make me a prude if I scratched it off with my fingernails? 😍

 

[FoughtFyr]

If my b/f had that on his back (or his front), would it make me a prude if I scratched it off with my fingernails? 😍

Just remember, it isn't punishment if they enjoy it! 👍

Hey Roja, what is it about the most dangerous plaything? 😍

- H

 

[toofache32]

How the heck does that fit in a urethra? That looks like a regular old dildo. Just ... short. I have read this and reread so I don't embarrass myself. But that looks like your standard issue dildo, how does it end up floating in a bladder? I could see a vaginal vibrating "object" but I guess I was imagining something that goes elsewhere.

Otherwise gawd, that's gotta hurt like hell! 😱

You're right. I'm sorry the "regular old dildo" isn't enough for you.

 

[AzMichelle]

You're right. I'm sorry the "regular old dildo" isn't enough for you.

It takes a whole lot to be enough for me! 😉

 

[AzMichelle]

I had my 2nd patient drink their Fleets enema today.

Is it possible I'm not explaining this well??? Nawwww, can't be!

But fer gawd's sakes, since when does the medical profession give an adult a baby bottle with a long hard nipple and KY on the tip and tell them to drink it???? Honestly, I thought that was a once in a lifetime patient. I never imagined there are two of them out there.

 

[oompaloompa]

I learned recently that despite driving themselves to the ER, one family didn't know where they were.

Had a patient in the peds ED the other day, mother had brought her in because she was coughing and not talking right. After much teeth-pulling and workup for 'vomiting' (aka drooling) finally decided to get a CXR. Low and behold! There's a coin there. "A what?" says mom. "A coin, you know money. We're going to call the throat doctors to come take that out for you." "Will we have to go to the hospital for that?"

🙄

Well, you've got to see it from her point of view. After all, it's not like the ER is for anything that's actually serious(like the hospital), it's really just a 24-hour common cold and STD clinic. Jeez, I thought everybody knew that! 🙄

 

[Katee80]

I had my 2nd patient drink their Fleets enema today.

Is it possible I'm not explaining this well??? Nawwww, can't be!

But fer gawd's sakes, since when does the medical profession give an adult a baby bottle with a long hard nipple and KY on the tip and tell them to drink it???? Honestly, I thought that was a once in a lifetime patient. I never imagined there are two of them out there.

😀 Make that 6 ! We had 4 in our long term care do JUST that last week alone !

Gawd is right Michelle

Katee

 

[Oats]

Real men don't play around with razor blades or guns during suicide. They head straight for the power saw....neck first. 👍

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Damn. And I thought the guy I picked up the other night that had two GSW's to the head from a .357 magnum took a hardcore approach to commiting suicide.

Here's a rough idea of what he did.....

 

[Febrifuge]

Wait -- are you saying this impressive effort did not culminate in success? And was the blue trajectory the first one, or the yellow? (Actually, the blue had to have been first, yes?)

 

[dchristismi]

That you can be given a citation for a tattoo on your back, and be forced by law to wear clothing if you have two people complain in a public place.

This tattoo is somewhat graphic so don't complain if you can't handle a naked lady being somewhat "liberal" in her sexuality. He had recieved two citations in the last year, and yes, he did regret getting it...

http://www.tysoncook.com/ED/mr big.htm

...that I would see an eerily similar tattoo on a patient this very week...

And that SHE would be a patient in a PEDIATRIC hospital!! 😱 😱 Where's that barfing emoticon? Oh, yeah... And I have to round on her every day. Groan.

Let's just say that in this particular tatoo, the, ahem, "lady" in question, is facing the "audience" while pleasuring herself. And it's on this chick's arm. And she's on a peds floor right now. (Grossing all the nurses out, I might add.)

So weird. Maybe not as weird as a urethral vibrator, but weird.

 

[docB]

So weird. Maybe not as weird as a urethral vibrator, but weird.

Now that's a classic EM quote.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Wait -- are you saying this impressive effort did not culminate in success? And was the blue trajectory the first one, or the yellow? (Actually, the blue had to have been first, yes?)

Yes, the blue one was the first shot. The second one effectively emptied his skull out. The first shot was effective in only rendering an open casket service not an option. At least the kid had the decency to finish the job.

BTW, I'm trying to get copies of the 3D CT reconstructs of his skull post shot (our pathologist has a fetish for these types of images on all head traumas) and if I can, I'll share them as a teaching case. 👍

 

[MoosePilot]

Yes, the blue one was the first shot. The second one effectively emptied his skull out. The first shot was effective in only rendering an open casket service not an option. At least the kid had the decency to finish the job.

BTW, I'm trying to get copies of the 3D CT reconstructs of his skull post shot (our pathologist has a fetish for these types of images on all head traumas) and if I can, I'll share them as a teaching case. 👍

So he shot himself once and then shot himself again? Man, that's hardcore. I think the first one would hurt so bad that if you lived, it would be tough to concentrate enough to shoot again (and aim better). Just the noise of a .357 that close would be traumatic.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

You would think that wouldn't you? I've seen 3 people in 8 years with multiple self-inflicted GSW's to the head. The record stands at 5 shots from a .38. THAT is my definition of dedication.

 

[The White Coat Investor]

You would think that wouldn't you? I've seen 3 people in 8 years with multiple self-inflicted GSW's to the head. The record stands at 5 shots from a .38. THAT is my definition of dedication.

That's pretty good. I had a cancer patient with four .22 shots to the head. Apparently not enough bang to get through the skull. He had one lodge in his frontal sinus though!