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To adopt or not to !

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by Henna, Jan 22, 2002.

  1. Henna

    Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

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    I'd love to hear your views on this !!!!!!

    Ok here I go ...... I am seriously considering adopting a baby instead of actually conceiving one ......

    And this inevitably brings up the question "why do u want to adopt when you can have one of your own .....

    And to this I say... ..why do u want to have one of your own when there are so many kids with no one to care for,...

    Is it so hard & incomprehensible to even think that I would rather take care of a child who is already here than make/have one of my own ??

    I am prefectly healthy (no gyn probs) just making things clear for ppl who think that u can only contemplate adoption if you can't have kids.

    Should I really give into these social pressures & misconceptions....

    Is bloodline more important than giving a lonely child a chance at life !!!

    The worst part is knowing that this child will grow up with or without our help..the only difference will be that she/he will hate or love life , be miserable on the other side of the globe perhaps or be warm, cozy & cuddled up with you !
     
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  3. Skye04

    Skye04 Senior Member
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    I am definitely leaning towards adoption over having my own children. I think it is a small thing I can do to combat overpopulation, and why should I have a child if there are children out there who need someone to raise them? No obvious health impediments for me as well, although I may not be raising until my 40s. My views may change when I get closer to the time when I would be deciding to raise children, but that is where I stand right now.
     
  4. Stephen Ewen

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    I am adopted so I know about a pretty borad array of adotion issues.

    There CAN be nothing wrong with adopting, say, internationally, even though you are fertile. But it depends....

    Sometimes, when women are fertile and later have the urge to have a biological child, and do; or when the woman IS NOT trying to have a child and is on contraception but it fails and a biological chuild is born, subtle discriminations CAN and often DO form against the adopted child after birth of the biological child. It has been a repeatedly observable phenomenon. This is despite prior avowals from the parents that this would not happen with them. To avoid this, couples who avow themselves to adopt only often choose sterilization. The just described phenomenon is why many agencies only adopt out where bona-fide infertility is an issue.

    That being said, it CAN be done rightly.

    There are simply is contention over the competing values and issues when the couple is fertile.
     
  5. shimmer118

    shimmer118 Senior Member
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    perplexed,

    I completely agree with you! I think adopting a lonely child, rather than have one of your own, is a wonderful idea. I am considering that myself (when the time comes). More power to you! I wish you well.
     
  6. Sea_dragon

    Sea_dragon Senior Member
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    baby girls from China!! :D :D
     
  7. Henna

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    Hi !
    Skye 04, Stephen Ewen & shimmer 118...Thnx for your response....
    Skye & shimmer ..I totally agree with you ... Every child needs a home ....we cant make all of them happy but we can definitely give one child a better life , a chance to smile & be secure .
    Good luck to both of you !

    Stephen ewen.. Thnx for your input .... I understand your reasoning...
    I personally think ....Its possible to treat kids as individuals without discrimination .. Discrimination is a choice !!! Its not automatic.

    I agree that it happens ..but to assume that it would happen eventually to every parent is not true...

    There are kids who unlike in the developed countries have no foster care previleges.... We are talking about kids who'll have no chance at good education or food for that matter....
    The subtle discrimination- is a chance Iam willing to take if it means I can give this child a good future .

    :)
     
  8. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    Perplexed,

    The thought of children and whatnot, has been uppermost in my mind recently as well.

    I think adoption is a wonderful thing!!! There are so many unloved children out there, and to adopt them can make a huge impact on thier life.

    Passing on genes - Well, there is no guarantee that a child will get only the perfect genes, that they won't have physical or mental problems. So, to have children for that reason only, would be a little naive anyways. If we did it for gene continuation, then we should do more testing of a partner, and only have kids with those that have 'exellent' genes. :)

    Please do what makes your heart happy...what will make you feel fulfilled for yourself.
    Do NOT give into any supposed society expectations!!!
    After all, if woman always did that.....we would still not be voting, or working as dentists or doctors, or having the ability to choose children and when. :)

    It is those people who break a little with the social pressures, that pave the way for a better place for all to live....including unadopted children. :)

    Good luck!!
    Wifty
     
  9. Henna

    Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

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    Very well said, wifty ! Thanks a lot !
    Deciding to adopt is just the beginning of the roller coaster ride for me .. :)
    Convincing ppl ( relatives) eps the in-laws will be a whole diff ball game for me ...
    My hubby was very supportive intially ....but now as its getting closer to going ahead with the plans he is reluctant, sorta backing out (very much to my surprise ) ! :mad:
    In my heart I know I'll never be able to forgive myself I didnt go ahead with the adoption as this is what I always wanted to do .... But I dont know how to convince ppl...


    :(
     
  10. Henna

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    Iam just curious what would you guys if u were in such a situation ( my situation of course ) ? :) :eek:
     
  11. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    I am not quite sure what your last question was...would I adopt in your situation? Or how I would handle the hubby and inlaws?

    I would definately adopt and am seriously considering it when hubby is done with med school.

    When people ask "Why don't you have your own instead?" You can simply say you were unable. They don't need to know that you were unable because of your own personal convictions and not because of infertility.
    Hopefully it will make them not push for more explantions. :)

    Or you can look them in the eye and tell them that having children is fulfilling and that having them by adoption is the only way to add to that fulfillment.

    In the end, they might not understand but at least you will have lived your life the way that is important to you. It really won't make a huge difference to them....they won't be on their death beds smiling that they got you to do it their way, but you might be on yours sorry you didn't do it yours.

    As for the husband thing, I don't know....talk, discuss, find out as much about why he is balking as possible. He could be scared of adopting a child with too many problems, or the whole process, or that people will think he is less of a man cuz he wasn't able to spread his own seed. There are a whole host of reasons that might be unconscious even to him....he just acts on feeling right now.

    Maybe, he really likes time with you and doesn't want to be tied down to a kid. :) Talk, talk, talk and don't push. Learn first....then you know best where to push. LOL Teasing!! :) Learn first though....then you can balance out his needs and yours.....but NO one elses!! Your life...keep grabbing it by the horns! :)

    Wifty
     
  12. commymommy

    commymommy *reformed commymommy*
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    Perplexed,

    I have friends who have made the choice to adopt a child and also have children "of their own". They don't discriminate between the two, and also do not consider the adopted child any less their own.

    If you want to adopt and gift this child the gift of a better life AND give yourself the gift of motherhood in this way, go for it....and if you choose at some point to have a biological child as well....more power to you!

    Congratulations!

    Kris
     
  13. UHS2002

    UHS2002 Senior Member
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    We have a child already (our biological child, not adopted)and decided to adopt another child rather than having a second one. We decided this for all the reasons that many of the other posters delineated. We have been blessed with the opportunities to provide our child with a loving family, a good education, a stable environment to grow up in. We figured there are many children who haven't had the same opportunities and certainly should.

    We didn't necessarly want an infant, as we are perfectly able to conceive and there is a long line of infertile couples wanting to adopt infants. We already went through the "cute baby/toddler" phase with our son, so we don't really have that fear that we will be missing out if we don't do it again. And, being a medical family, we figured it would be perfectly fine for us to adopt a child with special medical needs. So we weren't looking for the cute blond haired, blue eyed cherub faced baby. We spent tons of money, tons of time and 1 year later, 2 approved homestudies later, 1 parenting course later (yep you have to take those too, even if you are already a parent), several dashed hopes later, we are no closer to adoption than we were when we started.

    There are thousand of children spending years in foster care waiting to be adopted. Unfortunately, the system is, as always, not very friendly. As it happens, we could have another biological child by now, if that had been our intention. Yet we are all a year older and haven't been successful in adopting. We could have been if we had opted to adopt overseas and pay from $7,000 to $25,000 for a foreign adoption. Naively, we figured why do that when there are plenty of children in this country who desperately want a family?! Now I know why people go the foreign adoption route...

    We haven't given up yet, but we might too go the foreign route now, or just call it quits and have another child "the old fashioned way ;) ".
    This is not to discourage anybody. On the contrary, is to open eyes so that people who are well intentioned like we were don't end up as heart broken and embittered as we are about the whole adoption affair. We were naive; we thought that because we are a stable couple, well educated, with good extended families, already parents of an extremely well adjusted kid, with good financial resources at our disposal, the process would proceed smoothly...Sure :rolleyes: On the other hand, at this point, it has been made perfectly clear to us that, even if we somewhat neanderthallish and our knuckles dragged on the ground, if we wanted to foster rather than adopt, they would have a child in our home within a few weeks. Well, sorry, we don't want to be a waypoint in the social service system, we were actually rather enthused with the idea of being a FAMILY. What a novel concept! Yes, I know of many foster parents that ended up being able to adopt the children they fostered, but not before many years passed always with the threat that the child that now they viewed as one of their own, would be taken away with an overnight notice...

    I truly encourage anyone who is thinking about adoption to do some deep soul searching and, hopefully, conclude that this is a good option and go for it. Children are not responsible for the imperfections of the systemn and they DO need families. I just want to urge you to steel yourself against the obstacles ahead so that you will not be discouraged/shocked/surprised when they inevitably pop up.

    Good luck!
     
  14. Henna

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    Hi,
    Thank you all very much for sharing your views ... It has been a very
    encouraging , insightful & revealing !!!!
    Thank you very very much !
     
  15. Henna

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    Hi UHS2002 ,


    Thank you again for sharing your experiences ...I had an idea that adoption
    process would be tough ...but this...... is weird !!! <img src="graemlins/wowie.gif" border="0" alt="[Wowie]" />
    There's no easy way out, yeah !!!
    I would actually go into foreign adoptions.. ( .. if everything works out well
    for me that is )...
    I'll be able to adopt only after I graduate ....so that'll be 2 yrs from now .. I am
    just wondering when I should start the process.. Would it be better to wait until
    I graduate or should I apply when Iam in school....
    I wouldn't be staying with my hubby until I finish school ( he'd join me later)
    so is home study a possibility ?
    Is it harder to adopt a child if you already have a biological child..looks to me like they'd put them right behind everyone else on the list :confused: :)

    Iam just trying to stay positive for now.
     
  16. Henna

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    Hi Wifty ...
    What you said made a lot of sense ... I was so tempted to just print it out & show it to my hubby .....but then again....
    "You can take the horse to the stream but you can't make it drink " ! ( that is to say he would'nt have read it, or even if he had he isn't in the " I understand " mode right now :D )

    I guess I have 2 years time to learn )to push the buttons :D ) .....

    Thanks again !
     
  17. Henna

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    Hi momofthree,
    Thanks for the encouraging advice!

    From your experience ( thru friends ) would you say its better to adopt first then have a biological
    child ?

    Iam not really keen on having a biological child ( why add to the population explosion ? :) ) but then Iam not single anymore ..... like wifty said ... I'll have to strike a balance somewhere ....

    Take care !
     
  18. commymommy

    commymommy *reformed commymommy*
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    Welll from my limited experience I'd say that as a single person trying to adopt, unless you are Rosie O'Donnel (ie rich,lesbian, super-star) you are going to be in for a real struggle. Forgive the sarcasm there. A married couple that we were friends with tried for 7 YEARS to adopt...they were approved on their home visits, etc, etc...and jumped through hoop after hoop after hoop....when it finally came down to it after 7 years, the agency told them "you are too old now". They weren't allowed then to adopt a "normal" child...they were permitted to adopt a handicapped child..which they did with great joy and love...but the whole process was a nightmare for them.

    I guess my point is that you are likely to have great difficulty adopting as a single person....and that the process of adoption is a long and arduous one for married couples.

    I don't really know much about whether or not it is better to "adopt first". I think that that is something that you'll have to decide on a personal basis......

    Sorry I couldn't be more help, and forgive the earlier sarcasm. It bothers me that Rosie can adopt several little babies and that young married couples are given the shaft!

    Kris
     
  19. Sugar72

    Sugar72 Senior Member
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    I was very excited to see this thread. I have done an enormous amount of research on adoption. My husband and I were going to adopt before I started school next fall, but we have since decided to postpone it.

    We are going to adopt internationally from Kazakhstan. There are a lot of waiting children over there so the time from start to finish (including home study and INS approval) is relatively short 5-8 months.

    I am a huge supporter of overseas adoption and I have a lot of information if any of you want to email me privately.

    I am not excited by the idea of bearing children, but I want to have a large family. Creating a family through adoption is the best option for me.

    My parents are very supportive but my in-laws are critical. My husband was reluctant at first because of the costs of adoption versus a much smaller co-payment for childbirth!Although the new hope credit legislation gives a $10,000 tax credit starting this year!

    Check out Adoptive Family magazine and <a href="http://www.adoption.com" target="_blank">www.adoption.com</a> and <a href="http://www.adoption.org." target="_blank">www.adoption.org.</a> If you are interested in international adoption <a href="http://www.rainbowkids.com" target="_blank">www.rainbowkids.com</a> is also good. There are quite a few message groups on yahoo groups that address adoption by country, by state, and by age.
     
  20. Henna

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    Sugar72,
    You just came here at the right time ....( a blessing in disguise or what !)
    My hubby & I just discussed about adoption for the nth time ....& guess what !
    He agreed to it ..wooahh!
    There still hope left in the world, gals !!!!
    Iam so exhausted & overwhelmed...right now ... Will be taking a look at the web sites ..soon . Thanks so much !
    Take care!

    perplexed
     
  21. UHS2002

    UHS2002 Senior Member
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    Perplexed,

    I have the feeling, as others here have also hinted at, that a foreign adoption is a much faster and smoother process than a domestic adoption, provided you do it through a reputable agency, with a proven record of succesfull placements.

    A homestudy is usually valid for only 2 years, after that it has to be updated/revised. Additionally, if your life circumstances change drastically (such a career/marital status/geographical location) you could need a totally new homestudy. Again, it varies from agency to agency. For an international adoption expect to pay anything from $1,000 to 2,500 for the homestudy, although for most agencies this would be included in the "total package price". Don't assume though, always ask. Therefore, if you antecipate major changes between now and when you are ready to adopt, I personally would discourage you from starting the process now, as you might need to redo and repay for it at a later date. Since the time span from beginning to completion on most international adoption is 6 mo to 1 year, you might want to consider starting the process when you are ready to adopt "right then", which means actually that the wait would not be much longer than an actual pregnancy, so to speak <img src="graemlins/laughy.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughy]" />

    For international adoptions, it doesn't make much of a difference if you already have biological children or not. For a domestic adoption, you are right, it does, but only if you want to adopt a baby. It doesn't make much of a difference if you want to adopt a "special needs" child (ie: older, part of a siblings group -meaning you wanted 1 now you have 5 ;) - medical needs, you get the idea).

    Domestic adoptions can be done through private agencies or through the state. Private agencies have strict age limits and some have ridiculous things such as weight limits... But they are usually more bureaucratically organized than the state. Going through state social services is a nightmare. There are plenty of well intentioned social workers who would love to help you and the children but have their hands tied by arcane regulations and then...there are plenty of social workers who just don't give a rat's posterior.

    If I could do it over again, I would go the international adoption route. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your efforts and love will be rewarded with the blessing of a beautifull new life in your lives.
     
  22. Henna

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    Hi UHS2002,
    Thank you very much for your input . I really appreciate it !
     
  23. commymommy

    commymommy *reformed commymommy*
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    My aunt adopted two children...the first was a domestic adoption and the second was a foreign adoption. She is Korean, and her husband is american, and they wanted one of each..as interesting as that sounds. She also says that the foreign adoption was much less complicated and stressful. It is too bad that a domestic adoption is made so difficult, but it worked out very well for them. They are a great family and the youngest recently graduated from high school and is her second year of college.

    Follow your dreams :)

    Kris
     
  24. Henna

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    Hi Kris ,

    That's great ! Thanks for sharing that success story with me ,,,, those are the kinda real life experiences that helps me keep it together ! As much as Iam looking forward to adopting a child, its also makes me nervous at times. One of the problems that I expect to face is -lack of support from immediate family ...& my worst fear is ....If something were to go wrong with my bringing up the child....No one would come forward to help ( as compared to the sacrifices they would have been willing to make if I had had a bio child ).
    Anyways, as long as I manage to get my degree & then a job . I guess I should be fine !


    -----------------------
    The road to success is always under construction.
    -Eward Young
     
  25. protocol

    protocol Member
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    Hi perplexed,
    Iam impressed with your determination.I wish you the best. I would also like to say that, all said and done in the end we will need family support to go on peacefully. Not only for us but also for the baby. If there are too many difference of opinions then it might lead to sarcastic remarks everytime you cross paths with them. This has happened to one of my friends , though she is happy with her decision she is not happy over all because of all the antagonistic comments & the very subtle indication of their disapproval every once in a while. I dont mean to scary you , I just wanted you to know the facts.
     
  26. Henna

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    Thnx desi_girl !
    I'll keep that in mind. Those are some of the facts we have to consider, that's for sure.
    I appreciate you taking the time to write the post. Thnx again.
     
  27. Henna

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    Hi Sugar72 ..... Are you still around or I am I just too late .....? :confused: I just got caught up with all the admission process etc . I have 1 more interview to go (feb 21st thru 24th ).
    I would really like to discuss abt adoption sometime . Hope you'll read this & get back to me.
     
  28. Twizz

    Twizz Junior Member
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    I plan to have my own and adopt. It's wonderful that you want to give a child a home but don't you want to have atleast one of your own? A little you. I say whatever satisfies you is what you should do. :)
     
  29. Henna

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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> I plan to have my own and adopt. It's wonderful that you want to give a child a home but don't you want to have atleast one of your own? A little you. I say whatever satisfies you is what you should do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Thnx Twizz,
    I guess we should do what satisfies us the most .
    Let me just add my 2 cents here.
    If & when I adopt , that child will become "my own " , but I understand what u mean . I dont really find any difference between an adopted child & a bio child. Its all in the mind, I guess .
    I dont think I'll want to have a bio child as such, but if my hubby insists ( & the pigs fly , just kidding ) I'll have to consider it .
     
  30. radspouse

    radspouse Saint
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    That is a wonderful attitude, perplexed. My mother was adopted by her stepfather and he treated her like gold - there was no difference between her and his "own" children. To this day we often forget that her father wasn't biologically related. I think THAT is how all adoptive parents should treat all of their children!

    Jennifer
     
  31. Sugar72

    Sugar72 Senior Member
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    Hi Perplexed,

    I sent you a private message!
    I agree that a family is family no matter how it was created. Adoption isn't about giving a child a home, it is about creating a family. I know that I will not love my children any more or less depending on whose womb they are from. I guess my genes aren't selfish!
    As far as seeing a little you, it really is amazing how many things are learned behaviors. I expect to see me and my husband reflected in my children. I have consistently read that many adoptive parents are surpised by this.

    I was so excited to see this thread because I have done a lot of research on adoption and it is rare to find a discussion with women who are also exploring adoption as an alternative and not as a last resort.
    Thanks!
     
  32. Teufelhunden

    Teufelhunden 1K Member
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> I personally think ....Its possible to treat kids as individuals without discrimination .. Discrimination is a choice !!! Its not automatic. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Unfortunately, this may not be 100% true. Stephen Pinker in his book "How the Mind Works" discusses this issue in great detail. Adopted childred are 4 times as likely to be physically abused than biological children. Now, his explanation is speculative, but the jist of it is that we are programmed to be more tolerable of our own offspring...according to him its an evolutionary thing.

    Now, despite saying that, I am all for adoption. I was adopted, and my wife and I have discussed adopting a child. I feel in a way it's almost a karmic obligation...and I mean that in the most positive way. Anyway, good luck in your efforts to adopt.
     

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