Very Difficult Personal Issues Right Before DAT/Application

[HelpNeeded12345]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm a junior who is applying this June and taking the DAT in June as well. I've been preparing for dental school for the past 3 years and have done very well in my preparation. Good grades, consistent extracurriculars, shadowing, etc. I am currently in my last semester before I apply and am doing as well as usual. However, this past weekend me and my wife got separated. I know it's kind of a personal issue, but I made a new account just for this post (I hope you all understand...) and hopefully I can get some helpful advice.
My life is completely shaken and I am in a very bad place. Me and my wife have had lots of ups and downs, but this came as a huge shock to me and I am completely devastated and lost. She doesn't want to get a divorce, but she just wants a few months apart so we can work on ourselves and the problems that we have. This has caused me to lose all motivation other than focusing on how much I miss her and how much I wish things were different. I have a 3 day weekend and I am hoping that I can pull myself together so that I can get back into my studies next week. However, I am worried that I will not be able to rebound so fast and therefore I might not have the strength to finish this semester strong nor study well for the DAT in June.

So, should I postpone my application for next year? Everything was all set up to apply this cycle, but I only want to do so if I am able to perform well on the DAT/ my last semester. If things don't get any better, and I am unable to recover quickly, should I postpone my application by a year? I appreciate any advice you might have, especially if you have been in a similar situation. Thank you.

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[Likkriue]

Do you have kids with her or no? If not I don't see why it makes any sense to stay married if you two don't want to be together.

 

[Gold_Toof]

I'm very sorry about your situation. My advice would be to still take the DAT and apply this cycle. If you have everything in line except for the DAT it wouldn't make sense to waste an entire year. While seems thing bad know it's amazing what a couple weeks/months will do. You still have plenty of time to study...I studied for about 2 months and did fine on the test. This could also be viewed as learning experience separating personal life from professional. I know you're just a student now but as a future healthcare provider it's important to be able to separate your home life from the treatment of patients. I know it's a lot easier said than done, especially now, but you still have a lot of time until June, and I think waiting an entire year would not be the smart thing to do.

 

[Likkriue]

I would go seek marriage counseling.

 

[anoco92]

Don't postpone your application. Use your study time for the DAT as a way to destress/keep mind busy to get away from it all. I studied 3-4 months as well, using a balanced schedule, and did pretty good. Keep yourself busy, and later when you finish everything, and only have to wait for interviews, you will be glad you did. Try your best! You dont have to take the DAT in June if your not ready, you can try for July or even August (I took mine in august and got plenty of interviews) but its true the sooner the better. If worst comes to worst you can wait to apply next year, which is not the end of the world. Best of luck to you.

 

[HelpNeeded12345]

I appreciate the help. You're all right, I think with a little bit of time things will be a little easier to cope with and I'll be able to focus more on my studies.

Do you have kids with her or no? If not I don't see why it makes any sense to stay married if you two don't want to be together.

We both still want to be together, we've just had some struggles as of late. We both still love each other very much, which is what makes this so taxing.

 

[eldmd_32]

One woman's pov: If you want to stay with your wife then postponing such an opportunity won't help with the purpose of why she wanted a separation in the first place. Doing well on the DAT and applying to dental schools as an applicant with a fair chance PARTIALLY shows initiative on your end with self-improvement (that's with the career aspect, not necessarily the emotional aspect. Only your wife/you know which purpose the separation was based on). If you throw in the towel and succumb to your feelings/self-pity she's not going to be moved by that. It really seems like you want your marriage to continue to work. For now, channel that ferocity into doing your best to ensure success in this endeavor, with the hope that your efforts moving forward with your marriage will parallel that success.

 

[rdub]

Sorry, sounds like an awful situation to be in. Do you think you could try and study for the DAT still, even with all that's going on? Maybe you could still take it and if it doesn't go well then you can be content with waiting another year. But who knows, maybe you'll be able to figure things out and crush the DAT come June. You won't know until you try! Good luck with everything.

 

[Taba]

Sorry for what happened to you. My personal opinion, and not saying you should. The fact your wife didn't ask for a divorce means she still care about you and your relationship. Things just don't work out at this moment, like you said you guys had a lot up and downs, and this is just one of it and I believe you will get through it like all the others. Dental school is a tough decision, it's a time and energy consuming process with many uncertainty and hard works. It's relatively hard for us to feel "settle" for life when compare to some of our peers, but it's also rewarding. Your wife believed your potential and chose you, and now it's your turn to take responsible and finish what you started. Nail your application and don't get knocked down by the fact that life is hard and sometimes you need time to sort "condense" yourself. Take your temporary separation as a motivation and work harder to show her how much you cared about your future, and don't waste the effort you spent for the past few years. It's just my personal opinion and I feel you, hope you get what I'm saying mate, cheer up, don't ff and be stronger. I believe you two will be fine and wish you the best.

 

[caloc]

x

 

[Alpha Centauri]

You both want to be together but your wife wants to "take a break" for a few months? What, so she can go see other guys or get drunk at a bar while you slave away for both of you guys' financial security? When has a relationship break EVER worked for anyone?

Your situation may be bleak man, but it is time to worry about yourself. Everyone, and everything along with life goes away in the end. She may be your wife, and I know it must be insanely difficult to even think of the notion that your lifelong partner may not be your lifelong partner after all- But focus on yourself, not her. My suggestion? Let her do whatever she wants. Tell her to pack up her things and go, and don't come back. If your wife really love you like she said she does, wouldn't you expect her to be there for you during one of the most important months in your pre-professional career? Don't waste your time on someone when you can spend it securing the entirety of your future. If she cares about you, she's gonna come back within 24 hours after you "kick" her out of your house and be more respectful to you. I promise you this. Good luck to you, and kick some ass in June when you tackle the DAT.

 

[osker246]

You both want to be together but your wife wants to "take a break" for a few months? What, so she can go see other guys or get drunk at a bar while you slave away for both of you guys' financial security? When has a relationship break EVER worked for anyone?

Your situation may be bleak man, but it is time to worry about yourself. Everyone, and everything along with life goes away in the end. She may be your wife, and I know it must be insanely difficult to even think of the notion that your lifelong partner may not be your lifelong partner after all- But focus on yourself, not her. My suggestion? Let her do whatever she wants. Tell her to pack up her things and go, and don't come back. If your wife really love you like she said she does, wouldn't you expect her to be there for you during one of the most important months in your pre-professional career? Don't waste your time on someone when you can spend it securing the entirety of your future. If she cares about you, she's gonna come back within 24 hours after you "kick" her out of your house and be more respectful to you. I promise you this. Good luck to you, and kick some ass in June when you tackle the DAT.

Exactly what I was thinking. Running away from a problem doesn't fix anything.

OP you should stick it out and apply. The fact that she wants a "trial separation" means she doesn't know what she wants. Or she already knows what she wants but does not want to tell you now. OP you should really be worrying about yourself right now because there's a possibility your future only includes you.

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[klownzo]

OP you aren't going to like this.... but there's a better chance that your marriage is over at this point than it being saved. If you are both in love with each other there wouldn't be any separation and instead you would be doing marriage counseling and trying to work through it. Here's the reality of it, your wife is either seeing someone else right now or she wants to see someone else. I hope she didn't give you the classic "I want to find myself" line. It's always hard to see it when you're the one involved but from the outside this is what most of us are probably thinking. I know you're thinking that I don't know your relationship and I simply don't understand what you're going through. That's ok if you think that, but please don't let your life be altered because of her decisions. Focus on yourself and shape your future how you want it to be. If she wants to be separated from you, that's her loss and her loss only. You're going to be a future dentist OP! Show her and everyone else what they're missing out on by not being in your life. Start improving yourself and regain control of your life! Study hard for the DAT, start hitting the gym, and go hang out with your guy friends and make new friends! Turn your sadness into anger and use the anger to destroy the DAT. Now for the most important but hardest part.... DO NOT KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO HER! That will only make it hard on you and put you further into a hole. Since she wants to see what life is like without you, stop talking to her and let her see. It'll be extremely hard for you but you need show her what she's missing out on. If you let her string you along while she has her little break from your marriage, I think you'll find yourself even more hurt in the long run. I sincerely hope I'm wrong and your marriage works out OP, but please take what I said to heart and focus on you!

 

[Polkadotfan]

I don't want to give you marriage advice, but I will say that dental school is supposed to be difficult.
If it's hard now, I can't imagine how hard it will be on a spouse later on. You don't want to go into an already difficult life transition with a turbulent home life.
I will say, I would not postpone the DAT or applications. If it does or doesn't work out, either way you would be a year later than you've planned and I feel this would compound the stress. This just happened, give it time.

 

[HelpNeeded12345]

Thank you for all the responses. Things have been very difficult, but I hope after a couple of weeks I'll be able to pull myself together and finish the semester strong and hopefully be able to study well for the DAT and do well.

 

[Charles_Darwin]

Hey Friend,

I had a pretty similar situation 10 days before my own DAT! I hope that you feel better, and don't feel bad if you need to postpone for a bit if you don't think you'll get the score you want. I suggest working out a lot to keep your mind occupied. You can do this, I believe in you

 

[Faefly]

I don't know! Right now focus on your grades in your current semester.

As for the Dat, don't postpone the test yet, just study as much as you can after you finish this semester, don't study while you are taking the semester with other courses, that would hurt your gpa.

After you finish, prepare of the dat, if you see you are not getting anyway, definitely postpone, it's not worth it to lose the love your life and the dream of your life because of a bad dat made out of haste, you can always take it when you are ready even if that meant taking it September, but for now focus on your courses. Best of luck, I hope things work fine for you two.

But at the end of day. People leave you, people don't stay with you forever. So always don't let your life revolve about one person only. Focus on your needs, your dreams. on you!



Whoever leaves you, if it wasn't something you did, then it's their loss not yours.

 

[Faefly]

I have my DAT in less than 4 days and my doctor recently told me that I might have cancer. I will not have a biopsy done until right after my DAT.

I haven't stopped crying and my head hurts and all I've been doing is going on google and reading scientific articles and browsing forums, researching my cancer. Let me tell you that worrying about the inevitable will do absolutely NOTHING. Your energy is better focused elsewhere. I know it's hard. It really is. But there's nothing that can be done now. Don't let the negativity consume you. Focus on the fact that you're going somewhere. That you've made it this far and that there's a long road ahead.
I wanted to postpone my DAT but I've already studied for so long. Postponing it will do nothing. There's no guarantee that I will be able to take it at a later date, especially if I have to go through chemotherapy, etc.

Have faith in yourself. Try to let it all out today and don't cry over it again. That's what I'm trying to do. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to try to stay positive. Things WILL get better. Look, if you're in a ditch and it's filling up with water (aka your tears), you're not gonna stay there and drown. At least move. At least try swimming. That's what my boyfriends been telling me.

You got this! Be happy. You've got a lot going for you. It might feel like it is, but it's not the end of the world. It could be worse

This is not right, your health should be first!
I hope you don't have cancer, but please take care of yourself!
Best of luck on the DAT.

You'll get through this!

 

[florence30]

id say take yr DAT if your prepared and this might be harsh but your wife bailed on u in a very important time in your life. i wouldnt want to spend my life with someone like that! weigh your options and make a decision year of your life maybe more, lost oppurtunity costs etc etc or your future and what u want to do. in order to reach greatness u must sacrifice. Arnold missed his dads funeral becuase he had a bodybuilding comp. so how bad do u want it? cuz i just got accepted and let me tell u i woould of done anyhting and everyhting to get to this point becuase it what i want. what do u want?

 

[Incis0r]

Other SDNers have covered everything I would say, so all I'll add is one thing- for anyone reading this, I'm here to listen if you need an ear. Had several personal struggles of my own throughout college and I know how valuable it is to have a buddy to check in with.