Want to be a doctor, afraid to fail as a mom

[DocY?]

I always wanted to be a doctor. However, I am LDS (mormon) and many people in our religion (including past religious leaders) seem to think that a woman working outside the home when the man can provide is a no no. I ignored this until I married the kindest man. He is even willing to stay home with the kids (which we do not have yet) so that I can go to school, despite his traditional upbringing and the fact that he is finishing his software engineering degree. However, I still feel guilty for my dream.

Personal experience makes this harder: my mother was a naval commander, and it was hard on our family, especially when she left for Afghanistan and I was left to deal with my unfaithful, aggressive, substance-abusing father, and to try to monitor my suicidal little sister who had lost it because of our father's abuse (he liked to pick and choose between which of God's commandments he would obey, twist them until they suited his wants, -- an example I want to be sure I do not follow). My religion and belief in God is basically what helped me keep it together instead of going off the rails like my younger and older sisters. So, I am super hesitant to just disregard the teachings in our church, even though I wonder if some people have been teaching me "culture" as opposed to the church's pure doctrine.

I long to go to medical school, but my current degree (medical laboratory science B.S.) will allow me to help take care of future children, should something happen to my husband, and my husband will be able to provide plenty for me to stay home in the mean time.

Doctor Moms ... was/is it worth it to lose time with your babies while you live the dream?
Have any of your husbands *truly* been okay with staying home with the kids?
Has is made any difference to the kids whether mom or dad was the primary caretaker?
Any mormon mommy doctors out there with advice?
Did you feel like you disobeyed God?

Even as I write this I feel so stupid for letting a religion affect my decisions so much, but when no one was there for me, God was, so how can I just disregard the only one who's always been there through all the crap? Literally, like sending me dreams to warn me about the present and future and always looking out for me? Since I'm in a much safer situation now I feel like He leaves me to myself more, like He actually wants me to be an adult and make my own decisions ... dang it. So I just want to hear from someone who has been there.

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[Naruhodo]

Hi there,

I'm not sure I'm the most qualified to answer, but I can at least share my thoughts on your questions. First off, I'd say many people worry about how they can juggle a medical career and family and do both well. It's completely natural, and I think culture also plays into this as well. I'd say at this point to take things one step at a time. There is no point getting ahead of yourself and worrying about hypothetical children or hypothetical medical schools until either is your reality. Even those who try to plan ahead can't account for everything. Try to learn as much as you can/ enjoy each stage you're in. Now might be the time to explore the things you can do with your medical laboratory science B.S. (maybe you will fall in love with the work) and also enjoy time with your husband. You could also start checking off the boxes as though you were applying to med school (volunteering, leadership, shadowing, MCAT, letters, etc.) and see how that goes.

I know a women in med school who had twins the May before MS1 and then her 3rd child during MS2. The thing mentors told her over and over is that her kids are so young they won't even remember this time during which she and her husband are constantly juggling while she's in med school. In her case, her husband is with the kids in the morning while she's in school and then when she comes home he heads off to work a night shift. They are making it work, though they expect they will need to figure out a nanny or day care during residency. I know another woman in med school whose kids are older, so the nice thing is that they are more independent. She still sometimes brings them to review sessions, and honestly everyone loves them. She is also amazing and going for a very ambitious medical career that requires many additional years of training. I think from her perspective she hopes her kids will see her as a role model for following her passion.

Now onto some of the amazing Mormon mommas. I think that people have to figure out what is right for them. I know one woman who married someone who already had several kids, and she was an amazing stepmom to them while she rocked med school and residency. She actually won a pretty big deal scholarship also, which shows how impressive she is. But she also knew that in addition to being a great stepmom she wanted to experience motherhood herself too. They moved back to Utah to be closer to extended family, and took a part-time job and soon was expecting. A few people said things about how it was a shame, especially since med school was basically free for her, that she decided to only work part-time. But in the end it wasn't their decision, and doing things her way is what worked for her and her family.

Another woman who cares deeply both about family and becoming a physician, found that after a few years of trying that she and her husband were having trouble conceiving (despite both being young). She was quite depressed about it and stopped going to church and visited her in-laws less because the well-meaning questions got to be too much for her. After getting into med school she had other things to focus on, and still has the love and support of her husband. They have decided if they don't have kids while she's in med school that once she's in residency they'll do IVF. It has meant a lot to her to have her studies and career to focus on during this time.

The third woman that comes to mind is someone who did put her family ahead of everything else. She was certainly smart enough to become a physician, but instead decided on a shorter degree that would allow her to become a mid-level provider. Her husband was their child's primary caregiver during this time (with help from other family) and once her degree was done she supported him in applying to law school. The job she took as a mid-level provider allows her to work part-time and to be a support while her husband pursues his career goals. Honestly, even though in some ways she is overqualified, I don't think she'll regret her decision because from her perspective it allowed her to focus on the things she cared about most while still having a pretty interesting career.

Basically, no one size fits all. You have to do what feels right to you. Feel free to PM me any time with questions.

 

[zanzizic]

I don’t want to be disrespectful or rain your dreams at all. If you want to be a physician, by all means pursue that dream.

But in your situation you should at least consider a career as a mid-level provider. I employ a physician assistant in my medical practice and she is terrific. She has 15 years of experience and functions now clinically at the level of a capable physician in my specialty. She makes a good income and has the satisfaction of providing good care for our patients. This can be an excellent career option for those who need a shorter training phase. There are drawbacks to being a PA and those must be considered also.

This may be an unpopular post on this Student Doctor network but need not be. There is room in our system for both physicians and physician assistants and both can be highly rewarding careers.

Edit: I see that Naruhodo above gave similar advice for considering this option

 

[Naruhodo]

Also, very happy to report the medical student I described above who was stressing out about conceiving is pregnant! I am so happy for them, and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will make it work for both their family and her career in medicine. Returning to your original question, for them I suspect that the large, close-knit, LDS family that they have supporting them will be an invaluable asset.

 

[deleted480308]

There are only so many hours in the day.

You have to decide if less home with the kids is worth the finances and interesting life of being a doctor

 

[Vkserop]

I support you in doing what you want to do, but first of all your family must be settled

 

[siliso]

I had similar concerns and did not go into medicine for some years because of those concerns. I chose to have the children first and go back to school when we felt like they were old enough for childcare and were convinced the workload would be manageable. I have not regretted doing it “backward” at all, so that’s an option. I can’t speak to the LDS part personally, but I understand the importance of personal revelation in the faith and hope you will receive whatever guidance you need to decide.

 

[Quaper]

Can't comment from a Mom viewpoint but being a Mormon in medschool with 2 kids and one on the way I have some thoughts. #1 I wouldn't say you working is a no no. I've never believed that. The church has always valued education. You just need to make sure you have a husband who is willing to support you. #2 being a dad does take time out of studying. It's a sacrifice you choose to make. But you always have a group of happy people who can't wait to see you when you get home. #3 once again make sure your husband is willing to support you. Just like how my wife is willing to suppirt me. I wouldn't be able to do it without my wife being as supportive as she is.

 

[intubesteak]

What about PA school? My wife struggled with the idea of being a doctor mom and ultimately decided on PA. Definitely still intense training, but much shorter time period and more flexible when you are done.

 

[BabyDaddy]

The reality is if you choose to go into medicine it will take a lot of time away from your kids. A lot. This is a fact. You have to decide what is more important to you.

The journey is often so trying that you question if you really want to finish. If you aren't sure now, you will be less so when the pressure really mounts. Take time and be absolutely certain you want to do it before you begin.

Good Luck.

 

[Astharia]

The reality is if you choose to go into medicine it will take a lot of time away from your kids. A lot. This is a fact. You have to decide what is more important to you.

The journey is often so trying that you question if you really want to finish. If you aren't sure now, you will be less so when the pressure really mounts. Take time and be absolutely certain you want to do it before you begin.

Good Luck.

Agreed. Also, as a mom of three that's not even in medical school yet, I spend a lot of time away from my kids and husband. My ten year old thinks it's awesome right now because she's convinced that we're going to be rich when I'm a doctor, while my four year old hates me being gone all the time. But, right now my husband is supporting us comfortably and supports me in my career goals, and also picks up slack at home when I'm not around. I understand what I'm doing and I personally don't think my kids will suffer at all. I believe I provide a good example of hard work and discipline. In all honesty, after staying at home with them for a short time, I'm convinced I'm a terrible stay at home mom and I'd be doing my kids a disservice as being their sole provider. but that's something you'll figure out when you have kids in all honesty. No one can really tell you right now if you'll be ok with it or not. I agree with mid level provider though.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense... Half asleep after a long day in the lab.

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