Truth, and the roses are regularly given. But I really don't believe that being either mother or father is really that hard. I know that we want to exalt the position of motherhood; I'm all in favor of that, but exaggerating its difficulties is not the best way to do that.
According to my wife, working in a chicken plant, cutting out hearts and livers is MUCH harder.
Oh, BTW, my children turned out alright. The state decided not to take them away for child neglect after all (Yes, I'm being silly).
Again LS, I have to disagree with you. There's a heck of a lot riding on parenting--not just for them or us, but for society as well. It's up and down kind of hard--like other things I guess. But the thing is, it is a very long, 24/7 commitment. You don't just clock out or sign-out/off when your are done being the parent for the day, the week, month, year, or even decade. It is 24/7 accountabiity and responsibility w/o a break. Now thankfully they may give you a break. But you have to be "on-call" 24/7, 365 days a year and then also leap years for two decades or more.
And everyone's kids and experiences are a bit different--but you don't know what kind of kid you are going to get. Regardless, you love them and work to stand by them. Every issue w/ them becomes your issue. Yes as they grow you work to limit that so that they take more and more responsibility for their issues, goals, whatever; but it's never really this totally passive role if the job is done right. You can't switch it off--ever.
I never cease to be amazed at how people, especially in this country, look at parenting. Many can't wait to have their own children--almost like they're neopets or even real pets that people keep in their home. They love to bring in their babies or kids or their pictures and show them off. We've all done that.
But it is so much more than that, and it amazes me the lack of gravity with which many take on the role of parenting. Probably many that were swayed by maternal/paternal hormones, society, and the cuteness factor of procreation would not embark upon it if they had a crystal ball. And that is NOT b/c it isn't a wonderful thing.
It truly is; but it is flooded w/ less than wonderful, tiring, stress-filled moments and periods--sometimes quite long periods--often coming when you are most vulnerable--like you are sick yourself, having financial struggles, work struggles, marriage struggles, whatever.
See kids often have a difficult time seeing the parent's side of things--so they can be relentless in putting forth unnecessary amounts of stress at the worst possible times. No, not all of them, and not all the time. And this is why I say having more than one or two really makes the difference. And that may be at least partly why many just have one or two children. But there are no guarantees.
You can get 1:1 or at least 1:2 that are strong-willed or have some issue that clouds over all other relationships and responspibilities.
You can have a child that is born w/ some kind of disability or develops one later one.
You can simply just have a child that has a serious personality disorder or psychological disorder. (I've been heartbroken by parent's stories where their child developed schizophrenia when they hit adolescence. What these people go through is nothing less than a nightmare. In fact I think I'd rather have anything other than schizophrenia--have working in clinicals in a state psychiatric hospital.)
You can just have one child that demands so much attention for one reason or another, and then struggle with ensuring that somehow you are not neglecting your other children.
OTOH, you could be a family where everyone is basically pretty cooperative and supportive of each other and no one's "issue" is a cloud over the home--at least for the most part--but I'd say that would be rare. But
Then there is the issue of having the right partner with which to raise your children.
And again, I can't say this enough--you really could kill yourself trying to be the best parent you can be, and a child, especially when those teen hormones and outside influences kick in, will be much more than the most enormous pain in your arse.
You see, in many jobs there is a certain level of expected controllabiity--probably one of a number of reasons I've always enjoyed critical care. (We tend to be control freaks in critical care--and usually for good reason.)
But there comes a point, which becomes especially intense with some kids, where you are virtually stripped of a reasonable amount of control. And that would be fine if they choose to put themselves in questionable situations to deal with the consequences--however, again, like it or not, often enough their problems, one way or another, still become your problems--even if you do NOT adopt or encourage an enabling approach or mentality. Even colleges and the student loan people understand this. The local authorities understand this. It's not like kids become 18 and they can get a perfect SL package all on their own. No. Uncle Same looks and mommy and daddy's tax returns and decides--and if there is an amount they draw the line at, it will be up to mommy and daddy to procure an unsubsidized loan and other private loans. Now God forbid, you are like my brother and the kid decides after 10's of thousands of dollars that she doesn't want to do college anymore. Boom! You're stuck with it. Sure, you can choose not to help your kid out with college; but your family and society will shame and attack you for not giving your kid the benefit of a post-secondary education--and truthfully the kid may get caught up in a relationship and job and never get back to school These and many other scenarios run through your mind. It's not like parents that give a dam can or even should just kick their kid to the curb when they are 18. Maybe some should and others shouldn't. Depends on the specifics. But anyone of us knows how hard it is to make a decent living today.
The biggest thing is that there are many things you just have limited control over in parenting.
In the military, in GENERAL, things are tightly controlled--and for good darn reason--just like in critical care. Sure there are things that you cannot control in those and really all areas. But the idea is that you set things up in such a way in order to limit uncontrollable and potentially problematic issues, concerns, events, whatever.
LOL. . .in parenting, at certain points, especially with certain kind of kids--and especially upon adolescence, well this becomes kind of laughable.
I will never forget my tough as nails USMC father's response to rearing kids. I think earlier on when the kids were little, a certain amount of that Marine Corp discipline was effective. As the children got older, using predominately this approach became less and less affective. The problem is, in a family/children situation, that approach only goes so far; because really it's not the military. Sometimes it is harder to live with less structure and unpredictability than it is to live with it--probably for most people it is harder. I mean very liquid flexibility while holding your ground over the essential things is absolutely vital in raising a family.
And I've also learned from working in peds critical care, well, kids are way different than adults, and they will constantly throw you curve balls when you least expect it. In fact in coming out of adult critical care into peds critical care, that was one of the main things I had to learn--and I'm speaking in terms of psychosocial things as well as physiological things. Kids' responses physiologically as well as emotionally/psychosocially turn on a dime--literally. If you can't be flexible enough to make the necessary adjustments, well pack it in.
So if parenting for some was a piece of cake b/c, well, they got the luck of the draw with kids and personality issues or health issues or the fact that for whatever reason their kid, unlike a remarkable percentage of young kids and teens in this country, were not exposed to illicit drug use and became addicted or at least has very problematic issues w/ abuse, or they never were in the car with a drunk driver (that everyone else at the party was surely fooled into believing was stone sober)--or any other incredible number of variables, I say thank God and pray it will be the same for your grandchild!!! But in this world, there is an excellent possibility--perhaps probability that it will not be so. Always remember, "It rains on the 'evil' and the 'good.'"
Plus there is no thing as perfect parenting. Much of it is on the job training--and you will have learned some good things and not so good things particular to the needs of your own children from your experiences by way of your own parents.
I'm not trying to scare anyone away from becoming parents; but the truth is it is the hardest, most stressful job you will ever love. I am bold enough to say that this is so for at least most people, if they are completely "present and accounted for" in the role as parents--and if they are completely honest. Onc again, you could raise your children well, but there are variables that you just cannot control, period.
The serenity prayer is not just for people and families of people with addictions. It is for parents! LOL It should be one of the first things parents-to-be commit to memory.
There are different kinds of "hard or difficult" jobs. Parenting, however, is one that is rather all-consuming and very enduring. It brings with it much joy, fulfillment, and happines as well as much pain, distress, and sorrow.
In reality, you will not get the positive subset over the negative, but will likely experience both.
Hopefully, at least for most of us, we will come through the experience saying we wouldn't trade it for anything. But honestly, I've met quite a number of parents that have stated the opposite--and they were speaking overall not in terms of being in the throes of parental stress at any particular moment. C'est la vie.
If you are someone that can find joy beyond the stress and sorrow, you will be glad to be a parent. If you can't tolerate the, at times, ongoing demands and stress and things you just can't control--if you can't handle the less than ideal, um, you may not like parenting.
It's endless giving while maintaining reasonably strong and proper boundaries--and it's often a juggling act. I see parents that hate parenting because, honestly, they are just not givers. They like showing off how beautiful their children are, or their kids's medals, trophies, whatever bragging they can on them; but there is a lot of performance 'love' in the whole deal, and the kids definitely feel that.
