What should I do??

[vyparik1]

My girlfriend (who is 21) and I (just turned 23) have been together for 3 and a half years. However, none of our parents know that we are together. I need to give you some background to help explain why we have kept this a secret for so long. My brother used to date my girlfriend's sister for a few years. My parents and their parents knew about them and didn't like it. My parents thought that my bro could do better. So, it was a great strain on their relationship which eventually ended. My bro is now married to a girl from India and is quite happy. My girlfriend and I got together midway through my bro's relationship with her sister. I knew the parent's issues going in but it just happened.

So my question is should I tell my parent's knowing how they will react due to the history between my brother and my girlfriend's sister's relationship? For some reason, her family and my family aren't the best of friends. I don't know why they dislike each other. But what the hell should I do..I really just want to tell my parents but she is telling me that telling them will put a lot of strain on our relationship and it is better to tell them when we are sure of getting married.

My parents know my girlfriend and they really don't say anything about her. I think they know we are together but aren't certain.

Sorry if I confused everyone...Any thoughts??? Please help!!!

V

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[Wifty]

Hi V!

Not an easy dilemma at all!
Although, in my eyes, the fact that you even asked if you should tell, shows that you are living with a great deal of stress trying to keep it covered. So - stressed if you tell, stressed if you don't.

Perhaps there were other reasons that your parents didn't like your brothers relationship, and they told you a reason that they though acceptable. So, perhaps they would not be as unhappy with yours.....parents often treat children a bit different anyways.

Are you not sure about getting married? 3 and a half years is a fair amount of time. Could you perhaps get engaged, tell the parents, and then get married when the time is right?

Is your girlfriend worried about telling the parents and them making it impossible for you two to see each other? Perhaps that is why she wants to wait til you are definitely getting married....to be more sure that you won't be swayed by your family.

I don't know....it is not an easy situation with no easy answers. Ultimately, YOU have to do what makes you happy. Your parents can rant and rave about a relationship, but they really can't do anything much about it at your age.

What do YOU want? How much do you love each other and what is best for your relationship? Thats where you need to think first I think.

Wish I could help....good luck...
Wifty

 

[vyparik1]

•••quote:•••Is your girlfriend worried about telling the parents and them making it impossible for you two to see each other? Perhaps that is why she wants to wait til you are definitely getting married....to be more sure that you won't be swayed by your family.

••••Wifty,

You are right on target! You must be a marriage counselor or something. I am impressed you figured out why my girlfriend was scared to tell.

I do love her and she does love me. I guess the best thing for our relationship right now is to keep it a secret as much as I hate to.

I think we have grown as a couple. She was only 17 when I started dating her and I was 19. We were still immature and we had our disagreements over the years and nearly broke up several times. However, I must say that we worked at our problems, made some sacrifices and compromises for each other and are still together.

As far as marriage, I am ready. But, probably between my 3rd and 4th years of med school (I will be starting my second year in August). She knows how I feel. But, she told me that she can't think about marriage untill her older sister (my bro's ex) gets married. So, I must wait longer .

How do you suggest when/if the time comes to tell my parents I have been dating this girl for "X" number of years and we plan to get married. I think they will have a heart attack!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" /> I can't just say 'Oh by the way Mom and Dad, I am marrying this girl tomorrow.....have a nice day!'
Any suggestions??

V

 

[Stinky T]

Hey V,

I think you should definitely tell them as soon as you can. If you plan on getting married in the next couple of years, you'll probably propose 6 months to one year beforehand, right? Anyway, this would leave you some time to let your parents get used to the idea and would also give you time to give them hints that a proposal is impending. Involve your siblings too because they often play an invaluable role with the parents --especially older siblings and in your case, one that was involved with her family previously.

 

[im4real]

Well, I have to agree that it is time to tell them. Three and a half years of a relationship is hard to hide. I have no idea how you did that, but surely your parents or her parents didn't think that you or her weren't seeing someone??? I think telling is the right thing to do, so that they will adjust to it. You and your girlfriend are stronger because of knowing what could happen due to your brother's and her sister's experience. It's better to face the music and deal with all this before the wedding. At the age that you two are now, there is no way that they can forbid either of you to see one another because that is just not going to happen is it!! Hey! I really do feel for you though. My husband & I dated two years and one of those years I moved out of the house because my parents wanted to interfere with my relationship with my husband & I at the time. My parents didn't even show up at my wedding, but let me tell you my husband & I truly love each other. My parents came to grips with that and now they just adore my husband. He is everything that would have wanted in a son-in-law anyway. My parents are subborn though!! Well, stay strong, tell them, and continue living your life. There has to be some relief finally getting it all out in the open. I do wish you & your girl the best of luck!!! Just keep your chin up and know if you love one another, than no one can get between that unless you allow it to. By the way, we are celebrating our 10th anniversary next month. Going to Jamaica!! Woohoo!!!!!!

For what it's worth,
Christy

 

[vyparik1]

Dear friends,

I agree that it is time to tell. I also recently discovered that her parents know that she is with me. They heard from other members of the community but have no confirmation yet from us. Also, my parents know but I think refuse to believe it (i.e., in denial). So, I don't think either of our parents would be very shocked if we told them. I believe they know but just need final confirmation from us. So most of you would say that I should have no problem telling them, which I don't. However, convincing my girlfriend of this is a different story. She believes that her parents will try to "jail" her in the house if they knew for sure (by telling them how it is frankly). A second problem would be that she is afraid that my parents will try to convince me not to be with her. Finally, she thinks that her parents will marry her off when she goes to India this December for her older sister's marriage (yes, she found someone who ironically has the same first name as my brother and is also studying medicine just like my older brother!!! )

Anyways, I don't think I should tell my parents if she is strongly against it because she told me not to for the above reasons. But, I am trying to talk to her about how my parents cannot influence me in the way I feel about her and that her parents cannot really get you married off without your consent. Furthermore, I told her that she may lose some freedom in the short term if we told them but perhaps if I got engaged to her then she wouldn't lose that either!! I have been very patient but I am getting quite ancy now. I really want to just tell them and be done with it!! I am confident that it will work out!! Any thoughts of how else to convince my woman?

V

P.S. Christy, congrats to you and your hubby for 10 years of marriage

 

[souljah1]

Love is the answer, period. If you and your girlfriend are seriously feeling that you both will be life partners..why would you want to hide something so lovely as that? B/c your parents have ego problems (no offense)? Just b/c something is difficult doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing. I think you'd be doing your parents a favor my urging them forward in social evolution. homogeneity is easy, but it doesn't offer much to this day and age. Parent's want what is best for their children, ideally. However, their idea of what is best is often steeped in their own self interest and desires. When your parents imagine you getting married, they see a traditional indian girl with a traditional indian wedding. But you aren't living in traditional india so it makes matters a bit complicated. Perhaps you would be healthy and happy by deciding to commit to a non-indian. The horror! (sarcasm). I can understand how it would create some discomfort and perhaps put an end to some of your parent's dreams...but you aren't on this planet to make their dreams come true. You can honor them, respect them, love them, and cherish them, but still seek your own dreams. Sorry for the cheese, but one of the things I admire most about our generation is our willingness to see through the complexity of differences and recognize a fundamental sameness.

 

[Tazdoc]

vyparik1,

I am going to give you the best advice you have ever gotten and it will take some courage to follow it:

As an indian you need to make a decision. Are you going to abide by American culture or Indian culture. If you had no indian relatives here in America then you would have freedom to choose and mix as many aspects of both cultures that you wanted to. Unfortunately, that's not so in your case.

As long as you desire one thing but are bound by another you will always sway back-and-forth from the middle. And that is not a very happy way to live. In fact, it's unstable.

You will find it much easier if you fully embrace one or the other.

 

[raj2002]

maybe you might keep it a secret for a while - as parents get older they tend to mellow out and you canput far more things past them than before - even Asian ones !
However there is also the element of their trust you want to keep - which you will lose unkless you tell them now. And also the feeling of guilt later tell them in the living years because its part of their life too. You don't have to tell them all at once - you can introduce the idea first I guess - ubt your is a particularly tricky situation to break gently.