What the future holds...

[BoracayReef]

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Hello,

This is the first time I have posted anything and would like some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been dating 4 years now. He is a first year resident. Everything is going great until the "M" word pops up. You know "Marriage"! I am fine with everything until people start asking us when we are going to get married. My family, his family, people at work and even our friends are asking us. I am feeling the pressure here! I'm fine dating until they ask that question. It makes me question my relationship. For instance why isn't he marrying me, what is wrong with me, am I not marriage material? I mean 4 years is a long time together. Am i over reacting about this?

I've got friends that are married now and have dated 1 to 3 years. I don't know I guess I thought I would be married too. Who knows how long I'll wait. I love this guy and we are happy together. I just hate that I let people second guess my relationship just because we aren't married.

I don't know what to think, just need some really good advice.

Thanks.

 

[LadyMoreta]

Hi! Welcome!

What does your boyfriend say about it? There are a few possibilities... Maybe he wants to be finished with training and have at least some of his debt paid off before getting married. Or maybe he's worried that you wouldn't want to come into a marriage with that kind of debt and uncertainty. Or maybe he's just not ready to settle down.

I definitely don't think you're overreacting at all. After four years, you should both know each other's expectations for the relationship. If you haven't already had that conversation, you're long overdue! Talk to him tonight and find out what his plans are. Tell him there's no pressure, but your life goals include getting married, and if that's not part of his plans, then he needs to let you know. Even if he's a great guy and you are madly in love, you can't live out your life in a way that makes you unhappy, and you would eventually come to resent him for it.

Good luck, and I hope it works out happily ever after for you!

 

[La fea]

Your life doesn't have to follow anyone's time line except your own. But by all means have a talk w/ your SO.
Here's hoping for a happily ever after. 👍

 

[MarPix]

Have you and your boyfriend talked about marriage at all? I think you two definitely need to at least talk about it. I don't think dating 4 years means you should be married by now, I have lots of friends who have dated longer than that and are just now engaged or are still waiting - I'm one of them.

My boyfriend is an MS3 right now and it will be 10 years this summer since we've been together, yes 10 years lol. We've been together since highschool and have lived together for most of the relationship. I can see where you're coming from because I've had the same things going on with me, people wondering when we're getting married and all of that. But it does not bother me. We're still young (in our mid-20s) and we've discussed marriage many times. We both want to marry each other eventually but the timing isn't right at the moment. He's busy in school and lots of medical school debt but we figured possibly getting married sometime during residency.

I think if it's really bothering you, you need to speak to him. And don't let questions about your relationship bother you. Only you and your boyfriend can decide and figure out what's best for your relationship. No one but you both know what goes on and why should there be a timeline for marriage? But talk to him, you really need to have this conversation especially if you do want to marry him and it will help.

 

[BoracayReef]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. We have talked about marriage. He says he wanted to wait until first year of residency was over. First year of residency will end this june and no mention of marriage or engagement. Then when our families ask us when we are getting married he says: its up to me. I guess I'm just a bit confused. Last thing I want is to pressure him or nag him. I mean we are practically married because we live together. I just don't understand what the deal is.

 

[medstudsgf]

I know where you're coming from... my live-in boyfriend of 4+ years is getting ready to graduate med school and we're getting the same questions. I've talked about it with him and we plan on getting married eventually, but I think with med students/doctors it really is about timing. Also, I've been out in the working world for almost two years. He's been a perpetual student, and I think that really affects someone's mindset. He still feels like he's younger than he really is 🙂

Make sure you're both on the same page... if you're not comfortable proposing to him yourself (I'm not), you should find a way to gently tell him that you want him to take the next step, and within a reasonable time frame. I know it's not the most romantic way to go about it, but I think between the complications of medical training and (some) guys not taking subtle hints, it's just the way it is. After making that clear, I think the best you can do is just drop it and try to be as patient and flexible as you can.

My boyfriend is doing his internship year locally, then I plan on moving with him for residency in summer 2010. I've told him that I'd like more commitment before I give up my job and leave for another state, and he said not to worry. Beyond that, I'm trying to leave it alone, have patience and refrain from nagging... what will be, will be!

 

[La fea]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. We have talked about marriage. He says he wanted to wait until first year of residency was over. First year of residency will end this june and no mention of marriage or engagement. Then when our families ask us when we are getting married he says: its up to me. I guess I'm just a bit confused. Last thing I want is to pressure him or nag him. I mean we are practically married because we live together. I just don't understand what the deal is.

That's a good point- what is the big deal? But
Is it a big deal to you? Then it is. If it is not, then let people talk, that's what they do best.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is "am I happy w/ status quo?" and "how long can I comfortably be in this situation?"

Hope all this helps.

 

[BoracayReef]

Thanks all for the advice!

Yeah its not a big deal to me now but I do want some kind of a commitment soon. I did move to another state with him so he could do his internship. I mean I left everything, my job, my friends and family just to be with him. I guess I just didn't realize it until now that I really did give up alot to be with him. So i guess I am just asking for a little something back. I came with him to another state and I practically had to start all over, like finding a job meeting friends.

I am patient maybe too patient at times but I like what him and I have. I guess I just want a little bit more on his part. After all I think I've shown him that I'm not going anywhere, but for some reason there is a hesitation on his part.

I don't want to be the one to ask him to marry me. I dont' want to seem desparate, I want him to want to marry me. I guess what I'm afraid of is he'll think oh we've been dating this long why get married now? He knows what I want but you all are right. Its just about the timing. I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm just going to enjoy myself.

 

[sumstorm]

I am patient maybe too patient at times but I like what him and I have. I guess I just want a little bit more on his part. After all I think I've shown him that I'm not going anywhere, but for some reason there is a hesitation on his part.

I don't want to be the one to ask him to marry me. I dont' want to seem desparate, I want him to want to marry me. I guess what I'm afraid of is he'll think oh we've been dating this long why get married now? He knows what I want but you all are right. Its just about the timing. I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm just going to enjoy myself.

That hesitation may have to do with satisfaction with the status quo and a fear that marraige would change that...that the expectations and such would change. Clear communication should help that, but that is easy for me to say, because I am pretty blunt in relationships.

I, too, would feel it critical that my partner wants the permenant bond that I believe marriage is. I certainly wouldn't want it to be one sided. Have you asked him if he thinks that marriage isn't important? I understand taking time and such, but I am at a stage in my life where I know I wouldn't uproot my life (especially multiple times) without a committment of marriage (and I have uprooted my life 3 times in the past 2 years for husband's career....we have been married for 27 months...and will be uprooting for vet school in a few months.)

I think it is worth asking yourself when it will be critical to you to have plans in place for marriage. At one point will you be frustrated, stressed, or start resenting the lack of marriage plans?

 

[RxRunner]

I haven't know my wife for 4 years so I just wanted to throw that in there first but as a guy I knew I wanted to marry my wife a year after I met her, I proposed and got married a year later. However, I was 33 when I met her. I think for most men these days, marriage isn't something we talk about because we have so much time. A 35 year old guy getting married for the first time doesn't seem that weird to me and that's 17 years after high school graduation. I would ask him, if you were 10 years older, would you feel ready to settle down and get married? Am I the kind of person that you would see yourself with? If the answer is yes to both then I think it is more about solving the discrepancy in maturity than anything about love.

 

[BoracayReef]

If you people love each other very much than why afraid of marriage ?

Well I don't know the answer to you question. Um.. I think I am ready for marriage but my boyfriend on the other is reluctant. He has issues I guess with women. His mother left him and his dad at a very young age and that can really damage a young boy's perception of marriage and women. Really that's all I have and that isn't really a good answer. I'm kind of with you there. He says he loves me and wants to marry but not sure what the hold up is. I guess that is something I should investigate. Thank you for the input.

 

[BoracayReef]

I haven't know my wife for 4 years so I just wanted to throw that in there first but as a guy I knew I wanted to marry my wife a year after I met her, I proposed and got married a year later. However, I was 33 when I met her. I think for most men these days, marriage isn't something we talk about because we have so much time. A 35 year old guy getting married for the first time doesn't seem that weird to me and that's 17 years after high school graduation. I would ask him, if you were 10 years older, would you feel ready to settle down and get married? Am I the kind of person that you would see yourself with? If the answer is yes to both then I think it is more about solving the discrepancy in maturity than anything about love.

Thank you! You have some good points here and I appreciate the male perspective on this. I often wonder how guys think. I get so confused because there are guys who know they want to marry the girl their with and they go for it. Then there are those men who wait 4-7 years to get married.

My boyfriend has said he wanted to wait after the 1st year of his residency to ever get married. He never even thought he would ever get married at all until he met me. He said he wanted to make sure I would stay and not want to leave after the the 1st year because it is the hardest year. Like I said in my other thread 1st year is almost over, in june to be exact. However, no talk of getting married, no plans, nothing. Which worries me because he has already skipped marriage and he has started talking about having kids. I clearly said to him I would like to be married before having any kids. He understands that but he hasn't taken any steps towards marriage.

So the question I want to ask you RxRunner is you knew you wanted to marry your wife a year later. If you knew she was the one but you weren't too sure would you have dated her longer to get married?