will you forgive a ****ting husband for once?

[shala]

I am in the residency training and live about 2 hours away from my husband. We commute on weekends. Have known each other for 9 years and lived together 5 years. Married three years, and we have been through a lot together. He is the man I trusted and planned to have baby. Until recently ( a couple of days after we looked for a house in the middle of our work places)I found out he talked over the phone with another women for 2 months and went to visit once. He is playing the game but he feels guilty after that. He talked about divorce, he thinks maybe this time that women gives him sure for housewife, can take care of him instead of me. Yes, he cheated on me. But he suffers from this too, he is afraid our future be threatned by this affair although he told that women NO. I was so hurt, I know I love him, still. But so hard to build up my trust... Should I forgive him for once??

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[Zerosixjt]

Forgive, yes, but.....

You have to seriously look at the state of your marriage. if he can't handle time away now, what will he do when you are in practice? The decision to stay together needs to be made jointly, but don't let him use your career as an excuse to cheat.

Did he tell you about it upfront or did you catch him? There is a big difference. If you caught him, then there is a good chance he would have continued the "game" and just feels bad now that he has been caught. But if he told you and wants to work things out that is another story.

 

[shala]

Forgive, yes, but.....

You have to seriously look at the state of your marriage. if he can't handle time away now, what will he do when you are in practice? The decision to stay together needs to be made jointly, but don't let him use your career as an excuse to cheat.

Did he tell you about it upfront or did you catch him? There is a big difference. If you caught him, then there is a good chance he would have continued the "game" and just feels bad now that he has been caught. But if he told you and wants to work things out that is another story.

Yes, I caught him since the very next day he visited that women (they are even longer distance by airplane trip) , he sounds terribly sick over the phone just like those end stage disease patients. I retrograde and realized he used the weekend that I was on call to visit her.. Such a painful feeling...he told me that he went there to say final "NO". He said he didn't want to hurt me and want to keep this as a secret while working on our marriage together. I didn't believe at first. Until later that bitch thought it was my hubby in front of the computer, she messaged to "him" saying "she understands and she gives up"....

i talked with my husband er the past 10 days about all the years we been through and the efforts we have inputed and the happiness we shared together. He stills blames me for his behavior, he thinks the rason that I love him less drove him while he knows he hurt me. He did admit everything about that women to me.. He said they starts at first whenhe complaints of our marriage problem with that women....I will talk more later. Now I canot focus because my haert is still in such a pain, I threw up last night admitting patients..thank you Zerosixjt

 

[DownonthePharm]

I am so sorry this happened to you shala, but only you can decide what is best for you. Dont make rash decisions of any kind. If he really was planning to tell her it was over, than you are a step ahead of many couples in this situation, because he came to the decison himself that it was wrong is still wanting to work on the marriage.

Be willing to forgive. But dont make it an easy automatic thing. Go to counseling, find out the root of your issues. It is not the distance. Its something deeper than that.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Zerosixjt]

I am so sorry this happened to you shala, but only you can decide what is best for you. Dont make rash decisions of any kind. If he really was planning to tell her it was over, than you are a step ahead of many couples in this situation, because he came to the decison himself that it was wrong is still wanting to work on the marriage.

Be willing to forgive. But dont make it an easy automatic thing. Go to counseling, find out the root of your issues. It is not the distance. Its something deeper than that.

Best of luck to you.

I agree, distance is the excuse not the reason. Give it a little time, and decide what you really want. Seek some counsiling no matter what your decision.

Here for you if you need it.

His behavior is NOT your fault.

 

[bananaface]

He could have told her "NO" without a plane trip. Personally, I have a hard time believing that was the reason for the trip. Gah, cheaters suck.

 

[JBlue]

You should figure out if you CAN forgive him as much as if you SHOULD. You may think that you would like to forgive him and find out that you just can't, that you can't trust him. Going to counseling is a good idea and you should absolutly figure it out before you decide to have kids. Once you do that everything gets a lot harder.

 

[Stroganoff]

He could have told her "NO" without a plane trip. Personally, I have a hard time believing that was the reason for the trip. Gah, cheaters suck.

Ditto.

 

[dnw826]

I have dealt with too many cheaters to give you a happy "Yes, forgive him". Because in my experience, once a cheater, always. Will you ever really be able to forgive him, truly? Next time he's on the messenger/phone, what will you think in your head? Next time you're away from home for a couple of days? You get a bit paranoid, and you are right to. Is it fair to yourself to live your life like that?

Talk to him, get a psychiatrist, but will you be being fair to yourself? If he is already that unhappy, maybe it's best just to part ways until you both know how you feel. Easier said than done, I know, but think about how hard that was for him to say NO to that woman, if he really did. Who would fly somewhere to be with someone they are cheating with just to tell her no?

 

[shala]

Yes, the difficult problem is my husband refuses to see counseling at all. When last Nov I realized we have problem of our marriage--he blames me on the family financial issues and talked directly on my mother about divorce without even discussing with me throughly (you guys maybe don't believe it)--I wanted both of us to see marriage counsel or talk with a family friends. He refused to do so. Then came with some arguements--and this made him unhappy because his work bothered. He apologized for that rash tak with my Mother. While we were still good and looked for houses around to settle down. Here comes this lady he met back on a trip on airplane in Jan. Then he turned to her for counseling our marriage issue, as it showed. I possibly didn't pay much attention at first, internet romance by msn and phone? I admit, my husband is not as mentally mature as he should have. These days as dnw826 said, we were perfect when I am with him, but during the night I am away, I am paranoid and crazy...

I have dealt with too many cheaters to give you a happy "Yes, forgive him". Because in my experience, once a cheater, always. Will you ever really be able to forgive him, truly? Next time he's on the messenger/phone, what will you think in your head? Next time you're away from home for a couple of days? You get a bit paranoid, and you are right to. Is it fair to yourself to live your life like that?

Talk to him, get a psychiatrist, but will you be being fair to yourself? If he is already that unhappy, maybe it's best just to part ways until you both know how you feel. Easier said than done, I know, but think about how hard that was for him to say NO to that woman, if he really did. Who would fly somewhere to be with someone they are cheating with just to tell her no?

 

[ShyRem]

I guess the question is: is he as committed to this marriage as you are? If he was, wouldn't he do anything to save it (i.e. go to counseling)? It takes two to make a marriage. It only takes one refusing to make it work to break it.

I feel for you, shala. Been there. We need a hug icon. :hugs:

 

[corpsmanUP]

I guess the question is: is he as committed to this marriage as you are? If he was, wouldn't he do anything to save it (i.e. go to counseling)? It takes two to make a marriage. It only takes one refusing to make it work to break it.

I feel for you, shala. Been there. We need a hug icon. :hugs:

If he refuses to go to counselling then you need to break things off. Things will never improve without it most likely. A man can never turn to a "woman friend" to complain about his wife; its a recipe for disaster for sure.

Marriage is like a classic care. It can look great on the outside but have terrible engine trouble. You have to baby it and keep it on the road. If you park it, it will just rust and decay. Its not all that uncommon for a man or a woman to start questioning the relationship when it gets to this stage...in terms of longevity. I had my own personal mini-meltdown near age 30 and my wife was kind enough to baby me through it. She was understanding but set limits, and then demanded I go to counselling. It eventually saved us and got me through it. Now I am way past that and she is again my best friend, and much more!!

Counselling is a must....you need to demand it.

 

[APACHE3]

Prolonging this matter is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. The pain won't stop until you stop (change).. The best thing here is you have no children to complicate matters. he's not trying and yes, the odds are very high he will "cheat" again. End it quick. You will met someone else...

 

[DireWolf]

This perfectly illustrates why 90% of the population should:

A) Never get married

B) Get married with an "arrangement" that allows both partners to have sex with other people


It is against human nature to stay with one person for your entire life. And it is almost impossible to overcome human nature.

 

[dnw826]

This perfectly illustrates why 90% of the population should:

A) Never get married

B) Get married with an "arrangement" that allows both partners to have with other people


It is against human nature to stay with one person for your entire life. And it is almost impossible to overcome human nature.

Au contraire, mon frere. I disagree whole heartedly. Especially nowadays with so many STD's (ok, they've always been there, but HIV is a huge problem now). And do you think that men would almost ever think it was ok for a woman to sleep around? He would freak out. But if he does it;"It's human nature". What a load of crap.

 

[corpsmanUP]

Au contraire, mon frere. I disagree whole heartedly. Especially nowadays with so many STD's (ok, they've always been there, but HIV is a huge problem now). And do you think that men would almost ever think it was ok for a woman to sleep around? He would freak out. But if he does it;"It's human nature". What a load of crap.

You are completely out of your element and you missed the thesis by DireWolf. Probably 60% of marriages end in divorce, while probably 80% have infidelity. Some couples engage the idea of sex with other couples and people and embrace it before it destroys them inevitably. Its called swinging. I have no idea what the divorce rate is among these people but I know several people in the this lifestyle...mostly former patients. They are sort of like Opus Dei and live one life on the surface but have a secretly wild life with friends behind the scenes. And trust me, some very influential people married for decades are in this lifestyle. They claim their divorce rate is nothing near the population's rate.

 

[dnw826]

You are completely out of your element and you missed the thesis by DireWolf. Probably 60% of marriages end in divorce, while probably 80% have infidelity. Some couples engage the idea of with other couples and people and embrace it before it destroys them inevitably. Its called swinging. I have no idea what the divorce rate is among these people but I know several people in the this lifestyle...mostly former patients. They are sort of like Opus Dei and live one life on the surface but have a secretly wild life with friends behind the scenes. And trust me, some very influential people married for decades are in this lifestyle. They claim their divorce rate is nothing near the population's rate.

I would say that those numbers are very high. I know several swinging couples. I would not personally call that a healthy lifestyle. And usually one of the members is unhappy or afraid. I don't even know why we are arguing this, anyway. The OP was not indicating that noone should ever get married or just "accept" infidelity as natural. So can we get back to helping her instead of pointing her to swinging?

And please, don't reference Opus Dei. Though I consider that sect quite creepy, I am good friends with many devout Catholics. There are MANY members of Opus Dei and they would consider your reference to them quite shocking and disgusting with what you are comparing their ways to.

Wasn't Tammy Faye a ? Because right there is a good example to point to the joys of swinging.

 

[corpsmanUP]

I would say that those numbers are very high. I know several swinging couples. I would not personally call that a healthy lifestyle. And usually one of the members is unhappy or afraid. I don't even know why we are arguing this, anyway. The OP was not indicating that noone should ever get married or just "accept" infidelity as natural. So can we get back to helping her instead of pointing her to swinging?

And please, don't reference Opus Dei. Though I consider that sect quite creepy, I am good friends with many devout Catholics. There are MANY members of Opus Dei and they would consider your reference to them quite shocking and disgusting with what you are comparing their ways to.

Wasn't Tammy Faye a ? Because right there is a good example to point to the joys of swinging.

I'm not pointing anyone to swinging, I am merely discussing a lifestyle that is the complete opposite of the stance you offered which was "no male would allow his woman to have sex with someone else"...You are just flat wrong. In swinging, both members of the marriage agree to whatever boundaries they initially choose for each other. The bottom line is that people cheat, and that does not mean they are bad people because of it. Seek out the reason for the infidelity and embrace a cheater if you really love them. Communication is key, and this is not simply a reason to "kick someone to the curb because once a cheater always a cheater". Some people though will always be "cheated on" unless they reflect on how they drive a stake between themselves and their lover....overprotective, jealous, low self esteem, needing constant reassurance, manipulative, unwilling to participate in a healthy sexual relationship.......yes, sex is an obligation, and a routine one at that. It does not end once you sink the hook and win your SO as your husband or wife!!

 

[dnw826]

I'm not pointing anyone to swinging, I am merely discussing a lifestyle that is the complete opposite of the stance you offered which was "no male would allow his woman to have with someone else"...You are just flat wrong. In swinging, both members of the marriage agree to whatever boundaries they initially choose for each other. The bottom line is that people cheat, and that does not mean they are bad people because of it. Seek out the reason for the infidelity and embrace a cheater if you really love them. Communication is key, and this is not simply a reason to "kick someone to the curb because once a cheater always a cheater". Some people though will always be "cheated on" unless they reflect on how they drive a stake between themselves and their lover....overprotective, jealous, low self esteem, needing constant reassurance, manipulative, unwilling to participate in a healthy ual relationship.......yes, is an obligation, and a routine one at that. It does not end once you sink the hook and win your SO as your husband or wife!!

So you think that someone who cheats just because they can should be embraced? What about the violation of trust? What about the fact that you may be bringing some STD home to your partner? Nah, but that's ok. It's human nature to not control your urges, right? Is it the caveman thing? And it's our fault for being cheated on? Even us beautiful, intelligent, fully committed, loving, and VERY ually healthy ones? What about the fact that most men I know (I'm a total tomboy and I've always had male friends, but never really female ones) are with the total opposite opinion of you when they are in a relationship. Now there are those who would stick it in anything that walked if given the chance. But those really aren't MY kind of people, anyways. If you love someone and are dedicated to them, why can't you (as a man or a woman) try to make it work, and talk to your partner, and see if maybe it might be YOUR insecurity that is driving you to cheat? I remember something on Discovery channel about that. Can't remember which show right now, maybe I watch too much Discovery.

And is an obligation? Wow, that s for a lot of xians out there who believe that it's only for procreation, and for a lot of men and women with ual dysfunction or debilitating diseases. I suppose if I didn't feel like it because I just had a kid, then my dh has the right and do one of his students, right?

 

[corpsmanUP]

So you think that someone who cheats just because they can should be embraced? What about the violation of trust? What about the fact that you may be bringing some STD home to your partner? Nah, but that's ok. It's human nature to not control your urges, right? Is it the caveman thing? And it's our fault for being cheated on? Even us beautiful, intelligent, fully committed, loving, and VERY ually healthy ones? What about the fact that most men I know (I'm a total tomboy and I've always had male friends, but never really female ones) are with the total opposite opinion of you when they are in a relationship. Now there are those who would stick it in anything that walked if given the chance. But those really aren't MY kind of people, anyways. If you love someone and are dedicated to them, why can't you (as a man or a woman) try to make it work, and talk to your partner, and see if maybe it might be YOUR insecurity that is driving you to cheat? I remember something on Discovery channel about that. Can't remember which show right now, maybe I watch too much Discovery.

And is an obligation? Wow, that s for a lot of xians out there who believe that it's only for procreation, and for a lot of men and women with ual dysfunction or debilitating diseases. I suppose if I didn't feel like it because I just had a kid, then my dh has the right and do one of his students, right?

When you have been married over a decade you will be experienced to understand what it is I am talking about. Trust your elders!! I'm not just trying to hurt you, I swear. I am just trying to bring you into the real world where unfortunately marriage, sex, cheating, swinging, and divorce are as common as rain and snow. My own parents who I felt had the perfect marriage divorced when I was 20, and I have been shocked at how many strong marriages has dissolved in my lifetime in my own family and friend's families. I have been married 14 years, since I was 20, and we make it work through hard work and communication. We have both failed at times, and sometimes really badly.

I have a friend who has been married for 12 years and he and his wife have what I feel is probably the best and most secure marriage you could imagine. They are both prolific communicators and they withhold nothing from each other. Because we talk about everything we know all about their escapades! They entered into an agreement to be sexually active with other couples whom they meet at swinging clubs and online. They have some best friends like us that are swingers and then people like us who are not. We all get along and it does not weird anyone out. They seem to really enjoy it but they have strict rules....same room....nothing outside of those sessions with each others, etc... That would be cheating to them. They started doing this after one of them felt like they were unintentionally creating distance between themselves and starting an emotional affair. Then they realized it was not the emotional stuff they were desiring, but that they had to go through that with this coworker to get to the sex. So they talked about it, and thank God for good communication, because in most marriages that would have been the beginning of an affair. They reason that humans are not meant to be with only one person sexually for a lifetime, but they are meant to be together as husband and wife forever. They really love each other and I am always amazed they can pull this off. But it works for them, so I don't judge them.

 

[shala]

Prolonging this matter is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. The pain won't stop until you stop (change).. The best thing here is you have no children to complicate matters. he's not trying and yes, the odds are very high he will "cheat" again. End it quick. You will met someone else...

Yeah, I was thinking that once. But I am so afraid to ever thinking.

 

[dnw826]

When you have been married over a decade you will be experienced to understand what it is I am talking about. Trust your elders!! I'm not just trying to hurt you, I swear. I am just trying to bring you into the real world where unfortunately marriage, , cheating, swinging, and divorce are as common as rain and snow. My own parents who I felt had the perfect marriage divorced when I was 20, and I have been shocked at how many strong marriages has dissolved in my lifetime in my own family and friend's families. I have been married 14 years, since I was 20, and we make it work through hard work and communication. We have both failed at times, and sometimes really badly.

I have a friend who has been married for 12 years and he and his wife have what I feel is probably the best and most secure marriage you could imagine. They are both prolific communicators and they withhold nothing from each other. Because we talk about everything we know all about their escapades! They entered into an agreement to be ually active with other couples whom they meet at swinging clubs and online. They have some best friends like us that are swingers and then people like us who are not. We all get along and it does not weird anyone out. They seem to really enjoy it but they have strict rules....same room....nothing outside of those sessions with each others, etc... That would be cheating to them. They started doing this after one of them felt like they were unintentionally creating distance between themselves and starting an emotional affair. Then they realized it was not the emotional stuff they were desiring, but that they had to go through that with this coworker to get to the . So they talked about it, and thank God for good communication, because in most marriages that would have been the beginning of an affair. They reason that humans are not meant to be with only one person ually for a lifetime, but they are meant to be together as husband and wife forever. They really love each other and I am always amazed they can pull this off. But it works for them, so I don't judge them.

8 years, here. Married for only 1, though. I'm sorry but I am so sick of people going on and on about how you aren't in a healthy, secure relationship unless you swing. Not that you are necessarily saying it, but I hear it from lots of people. And quite frankly it disgust me. So I am pulling out of this conversation before I become enraged.

Good luck to the OP! Hang in there!

 

[ShyRem]

don't swing here. Been married for 13 years. No desire to swing. But I know some swingers that are very happy doing it. Great. Not for me.

 

[corpsmanUP]

8 years, here. Married for only 1, though. I'm sorry but I am so sick of people going on and on about how you aren't in a healthy, secure relationship unless you swing. Not that you are necessarily saying it, but I hear it from lots of people. And quite frankly it disgust me. So I am pulling out of this conversation before I become enraged.

Good luck to the OP! Hang in there!

Totally understand how you could have interpreted that..yeh....right......since NO ONE on this thread said anything like that. Evidently you were hallucinating or dreaming, but that stuff was not said here.

 

[bananaface]

Yes, the difficult problem is my husband refuses to see counseling at all. When last Nov I realized we have problem of our marriage--he blames me on the family financial issues and talked directly on my mother about divorce without even discussing with me throughly (you guys maybe don't believe it)--I wanted both of us to see marriage counsel or talk with a family friends. He refused to do so. Then came with some arguements--and this made him unhappy because his work bothered. He apologized for that rash tak with my Mother. While we were still good and looked for houses around to settle down. Here comes this lady he met back on a trip on airplane in Jan. Then he turned to her for counseling our marriage issue, as it showed. I possibly didn't pay much attention at first, internet romance by msn and phone? I admit, my husband is not as mentally mature as he should have. These days as dnw826 said, we were perfect when I am with him, but during the night I am away, I am paranoid and crazy...

He sought someone who would take him away from the stresses of marriage via avoidance, not someone to counsel him so that he could get past the issues at hand. If he isn't willing to work through issues by attending a formal counseling session with a qualified provider, that is a sign that he is not committed to his relationship with you.

 

[dnw826]

Totally understand how you could have interpreted that..yeh....right......since NO ONE on this thread said anything like that. Evidently you were hallucinating or dreaming, but that stuff was not said here.

Not hallucinating or dreaming. I just know that this thread was to help out the OP with her cheating dh and here everyone comes with the "swinging is great" thing. Everytime this subject comes up someone eventually says that your relationship isn't healthy and you don't trust your SO if you don't swing. So before anything like that got said, I was going to pull out of the conversation. And didn't I SAY that you didn't say it, but that I was stopping that conversation cold?

 

[I Surgeon]

How about this new concept. Swinging is outside the bounds of marriage and is CHEATING!

 

[dnw826]

How about this new concept. Swinging is outside the bounds of marriage and is CHEATING!

 

[corpsmanUP]

How about this new concept. Swinging is outside the bounds of marriage and is CHEATING!

How about this new concept where couples decide for themselves what is cheating and what is not? You cannot arbitrarily impose your own value system onto others and expect they will agree with your ideas. It's really not anyone's (includes YOU) place to decide what it right for someone else's relationship.

 

[1Path]

How about this new concept where couples decide for themselves what is cheating and what is not? You cannot arbitrarily impose your own value system onto others and expect they will agree with your ideas. It's really not anyone's (includes YOU) place to decide what it right for someone else's relationship.

 

[I Surgeon]

How about this new concept where couples decide for themselves what is cheating and what is not? You cannot arbitrarily impose your own value system onto others and expect they will agree with your ideas. It's really not anyone's (includes YOU) place to decide what it right for someone else's relationship.

Its not my value system, it is America's-its called marriage. Why get married if you are willing to sleep with someone else? It is unhealthy, immoral (based on current standards of America), and I believe most people agree with me on this one. I'm not going to argue with you...you have no argument. peace out...Have fun swinging!?

 

[wook]

He stills blames me for his behavior, he thinks the rason that I love him less drove him while he knows he hurt me. He did admit everything about that women to me..

Sounds to me like someone isn't taking responsibility for HIS behavior. Shifting the blame seem weasely to me (no offense to weasels).

Wook

 

[bananaface]

Sounds to me like someone isn't taking responsibility for HIS behavior. Shifting the blame seem weasely to me (no offense to weasels).

Wook

I agree. If there are problems with the marriage which he feels make him want to be with someone else, he ought to work with her on those problems or get out of the marriage. The thing driving him to cheat is his unwillingness to do either of those coupled with his decision to let his personal desires override his duty to be honest and faithful. Those aren't things that shala controls at all. He's blaming the victim. Not to say that the initial issues are the fault of any particular person, just that his reaction to those problems is entirely under his control.