I feel like you're being a little self-contradictory here - hope I'm just misreading something. You say you can see both sides, then assert that 'usually' it's harder to regret not having kids. I have no doubt you're right for yourself, and good on you for having that insight, but you really can't know what beliefs, values, and experiences shape my feelings on this topic. I should also restate that my absolute objection is to biokids - Adoption is by no means off the table.
I am supportive of your choice to have kids; can you support me in the opposite?
Yes, understood.
What I meant was an academic point in that once the opportuntiy passes for having kids, well, you usually can't get it back. That's the down side I'm referring to. I don't see, at least in most cases of raising a family (that is, with most people), that people regret having children to the same degree as most would by not having them; b/c it's tough to regret, in most cases, having had and built those relationships.
In the opportunity passed scenario, you just will never know what you have passed over. And except in the most extreme cases, like if you birthed and raised say a Bundy or someone like that, well, you probably won't regret the experience, even though at many points throughout the process it can be fraught with a lot of stress.
Having children or adopting them, either way, it's a lot of stress. Although building relationships can be stressful, in most cases, the benefit of having them outweighs the negatives. I mean if this were not so, people would have stopped having kids a long time ago. Most people want the opportunity to build these relationships. It's biological as well as psychological and spiritual.
But I respect that each person's situation is different. Some people never want to marry or be concerned with having a significant other around, much less raising children. It's a matter of focus for them. I get that. If they feel that they have accomplished more in their lives by not being pulled into the demanding and varying directions of having a SO and/or having children, then that is fine for them.
There's no way I could make that determination for another person. Having said that, philosophically I personally feel that once human life is here, you have to cherish and protect it, or else find someone that will. Adoption, then to me, is a very beautiful process and worthwhile commitment--although like anything else, it can be demanding. I don't think there is any getting around the fact that parenting is stressful, and just when you think you have gotten through one phase, another demanding phase of it enters into your life. LOL, of course, my children, though wonderful, have always been the more strong-will types. Some of them more so than others. You really have little control of this--in terms of their dispositions and personalities in my opinion. You go into it thinking that you will shape them--and to some degree it's true, but it's a lot less than many non-parents realize. They have wills and bents all their own, and well, love means guidance, but it also means freedom. The challenges in parenting have been ongoing, and there can be only short periods where you feel you can come up for air and get a breath. Some folks say nah; but I really think a good piece of it has to do with innate personalities. Some children are simply more strong-willed than others. And then there are kids that are so laid back, you wonder what in the world is going on with them. On the whole I don't find the experience of parenting easy or some piece of cake. I found it to require a ton of work, patience, growth, commitment, and dedication--and the need to find humor when possible. I definitely think raising children changes you for the better, in that you must learn patiences, understanding, and flexibility. What works for one kid doesn't work for another.
How the kid gets here, well, those of us who have delivered children have our war stories; and they seem like a big deal at the time. But the pregnancy and birthing process really is not the big deal. It's everything that comes after that. So, to me, parenting is parenting, regardless of whether or not you physically delivered the child. That's only a prelude to the whole saga.
I wish you the best in whatever you choose.
