Funniest Chief Complaints

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Dr JPH

Dr JPH

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Here are some of mine:

Patient: "Doc, I lost my nature."
Translation: "Doc, I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection."


Patient: "My period keeps coming back."
Translation: "I am experiencing regular, monthly menstrual cycles."
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"My tired hurts"
18 y/o drunk college kid who had just fallen out of a 3rd story window :)
 
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"I have a hair on my chin and I want you to give me something to make it go away" said a patient being seen for said complaint in the ER (yes, the ER)
 
"I fell from a truck and broke my arm"

Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.
 
"My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn't think it worked"
 
From a patient on the psych ward: "CC: Is this beef sirloin or steak sirloin?"
(This was actually written as the CC in the patient's chart)
 
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Worked at a clinic where pt's actually wrote their own CC...

These were from the same pt, who incidentally was a very pleasant fellow.

CC: "spiter bit"
(Trans: spider bite)


CC: "pain in my balls"
 
"So, Mr. Yellowish Grizzled Old-Dude with ~ 7 Teeth, what brings you here today?"

CC: "The Booze."
 
How could I forget psych?

CC: "Al Qaeda"

CC: "Beep bop boop bip bop bop bop" - he could speak perfect English if you asked him to "translate."
 
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i'm getting out of the marine corps tomorrow and i need a final physical right away!
 
Today:

"What brings you to the clinic today?"

"My clit is swollen"
 
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CC: Friction burns on my penis!

Ok, so I had that patient while I was working as an EMT... which I guess actually makes it funnier, because instead of just driving his sorry a$$ to the ER, he called 911... I refused to transport him!
 
"My tooth tickles." Patient had tried to remove his tooth first with pliers and then with a crowbar.

"I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole." A 16 year old G2P1001.

"I took some crack, do you have any?" A trauma patient who apparently fell off a bicycle.
 
"I got a thang on my hang-low"

Response: :confused:
 
CC: Can't Sleep

Triage Note: Smoked crack 1hr PTA
 
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Patient "My eyes are tired"

Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

Patient "They feel tired"

Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."

=====================================

Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

=====================================
 
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ChildNeuro said:
Patient "My eyes are tired"

Me. "Could you talk about that some more?"

Patient "They feel tired"

Me "Runny eyes? Problems reading? Stuffy or itchy eyes?"

Patient "No. No. No. They just feel tired."

Me "Do your eyes hurt? Cause you pain?"

Patient "No, just like you know, when they get tired."
Click to expand...

And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.
 
During residency, actual patient referred by an IM resident (to get rid of the patient, I am sure) to the neuro clinic: My left ear tingles on tuesdays.

Yes, just tuesdays.
 
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Tired said:
And of course, since the patient was over the age of 65yo, this prompted a full cardiac workup, blood cultures, complete metabolic profile, and a head CT.
Click to expand...

I think we did 4 view nasal x-rays, CBC, to try to rule out bacterial sinusitus. My attendings has big old' lobster hands and when he "taps" over anyone's sinuses with those the patient is bound to say "Ow!" We diagnose so many cases of sinusitus . . .
 
From Neuro clinic 3rd year:

"The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."

Just for kicks, look up "burning mouth syndrome" sometime when you're bored.
 
Awesome thread!

Here's what I can remember for now...

"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)

"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)

What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."
 
Patient: Doc, I have got a herd of BEAVERS in my pants!


Translation: Candida groin infection
 
Critical Mass said:
Awesome thread!

Here's what I can remember for now...

"Little bumps on clit" (first recognition of clitoral erection)

"Little bugs in vagina" (Trich present, dunno how she saw it w/o microscope)

What was funniest about the "little bugs in vagina" girl (age 16) was that her 18-year-old sister came into the ED at the same time complaining of chest pain. Both left with pelvic exams, some Flagyl, and counseling on latex application. Moral of the story: as you get older, you learn that chest pain will get you back quicker than "little bugs in vagina."
Click to expand...

I......can't......stop.....staring....at......your.....avatar.....
 
CC: Medical certificate facies
 
Psych ER:
cc: " my pu$$y is sad"

- not sure if she meant her cat or a part of her anatomy
- that was the the only thing she said that came close to making any sense
 
CC: I have chicken coming out of my penis.

Translation: I have a mucopurulent discharge.
 
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These aren't so much funny CCs but both nights I did an overnight ER rotation as a first year to get experience doing H&Ps we had someone come in that had tried to shave their pubic hair with a box cutter and ended up with some very unpleasant lacerations. They weren't comfortable with a med student in the room, so I didn't get to see their handywork.
 
Here's a page an intern got once that always makes me chuckle: "Mrs. X is rubbing applesauce on her chest. Please advise."
 
CC: "I need a rectal."

The guy was a frequent flyer, always with the same CC. The only pathology he had was psychiatric. His chart always stayed in the rack for a loooong time.
 
"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)

"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)
 
In pediatrics

CC: "my baby done drank a strawberry douche"
 
UTKB said:
"My kitty got the stank" (vaginitis)

"There's a vine growing out of my jenny" (patient had stuck a potato up her hooha and left it there, and it actually sprouted)
Click to expand...

:eek: :eek:

OMG!! I had no idea that was even possible!! That has to be some sort of wacky record or something..

-PlAnEjaNe
 
Patient: "I've got a pager up my ass"
Triage Nurse: "Excuse me?"
:eek:
 
JPHazelton said:
On vibrate or tone? :laugh:
Click to expand...
Vibrate apparently judging by the way he reacted a couple of times in the ED....I wasn't in the OR when they took it out and didn't think to ask about it.
 
ChildNeuro said:
=====================================

Patient's Mom "He has a rash that isn't here right now, but sometimes shows up in the evening, we took him to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."

=====================================
Click to expand...

thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.
 
justwondering said:
thats not as stupid as it sounds, actually. we had a pt like that, rash would come and go throughout the day...fortunately she took a picture of it on her cell phone and showed it to us. Hives, i think.
Click to expand...

sounds like a JRA pt I had.
 
patient: "my colostomy bag is full of ****"
nurse: "no ****."
 
CC: my tongue is too short

Me: OK. What sort of problem does that cause you?

(Patient's wife begins snickering)

Him: Well, her and all our friends make fun of me...I mean, I'm not no good at oral sex and it's because my tongue is too short.

Me: ummmmmkaaaaayyyyyy
 
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CC: "What is all this stuff? It must be fluid or something." (uttered whilst the patient grabs and waves his huge, dangling pannus towards me)

Me: "Uh... Sir. I think that's just fat."

P.S. No I did not misspell "penis".
 
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