Funny attending/chief resident quotes

[SB100]

Thought we could start a thread to lighten the mood here in a similar manner as the funny CC thread. I've accumulated a bunch, what are some funny things you've heard?

Attending (pointing to a name on OR dry erase board): Ever work with this resident before?
Me: Nope, why?
Attending: I think she took a few too many bitch pills.

Attending: Mark this specimen left breast mass, short superior long lateral.
Circ: Right breast mass.
Attending: No, left.
--ten seconds later--
Circ: Sorry, you said you wanted long superior?
Attending: I heard Aricept is good for what you have.

---

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[ArcGurren]

Bunch of us are venting after experiencing a thoroughly unpleasant/abusive lecture from one of the Chiefs. The attending comes by and everyone becomes quiet.

Attending: What's going on?
Us: Oh, nothing (we're all trying to look busy and innocent)
Attending: Don't worry, I heard you guys from all the way back there. That dude's a douchebag.

Not exactly funny, but more heartening

 

[Rollo]

Not a quote or anything but had an nephrologist attending, running the morning report, going on to uptodate to look up treatment plans and drug information (the basics like MOAs of certain drugs) while the interns were presenting their cases. It was clear that not a single intern in that room had any respect for this doc and they were purposely letting him look stuff up so we could all kill more time and be entertained by this guy's web surfing skills.

 

[werd]

student: "this patient is young, why are her knees so bad she needs a replacement?"

attending (with a russian accent): "there is a reason animals her size are always aquatic..."

---

medicine attending: oh, you're getting on the elevator? i thought you guys had your own special elevators.

surgery attending: actually most of us just transmogrify across the hospital. that's a nice tie, did your wife tie it?

 

[Vulcan]

During rounds:

SubI: Patient is a 79 year old female who (etc etc) ...and is still sexually active, and...

Attending (cuts her off): She's WHAT? EWWWWWW! WTF WRINKLY SEX!!!....ahem...go on...

 

[MilkmanAl]

During rounds:

SubI: Patient is a 79 year old female who (etc etc) ...and is still sexually active, and...

Attending (cuts her off): She's WHAT? EWWWWWW! WTF WRINKLY SEX!!!....ahem...go on...

Hilarious.

Anesthesia attending: Okay, **** this. Let's go get some kids high.

 

[Mr hawkings]

Attending: Did mr X's diarrhea smell C diffy?
me: C Diff has a specific smell?
Attending: Oh yes it does

I cant tell if she was serious or playing a cruel joke on me to get me to start smelling every diarhrea i see in an inpatient

 

[Muffincakes]

Not exactly a quote, but in the middle of Noon conference:
One particularly pompous and explosive surgery attending with likely multiple undiagnosed psychiatric conditions walks out the room...comes back a minute or so later with some paper and says "According to my book...." and goes on to cite himself.

I have so many good stories about this guy and it's only been 1 1/2 weeks in... and I haven't even had the pleasure of working with him. Surgery rotation would be a great opportunity for someone interested in psych to do some observational studies on certain psychopathologies...

 

[salseraOB]

Attending: Did mr X's diarrhea smell C diffy?
me: C Diff has a specific smell?
Attending: Oh yes it does

I cant tell if she was serious or playing a cruel joke on me to get me to start smelling every diarhrea i see in an inpatient

She wasn't playing a joke on you. C diff has a very distinct smell and if you ever smell it, you'll never forget it.

 

[justdoit31]

Resident: "Mr. X was admitted last night for failure to thrive"
Social Worker: "How much weight has he lost?"
Resident: "none"
Attending: "Then he really is just here for adult failure"

 

[Dallas]

So I just rotated through surgery at a large univ. hospital in USA, I started right before july when they introduced the new 80hr work week restrictions for interns to prevent fatigue and fatigue induced mistakes.

So on one of the usual brutally long and stressful busy days im up on the floor with the chief in between cases and we get a call from the attending, the next case has been cancelled "so you can all go and have a 20 minute cookie break so you dont get fatigued"

Another time same attending, lipoma excision, they had intern survival classes once a week 2hrs for the interns, chief shows up to be 1st assistant instead of intern, attending goes "wheres the intern?" Chief: "Oh he is still at intern survival class sir, so Ill cover for him" the attending: "Well, what about patient survival class, do they teach those to the interns too?"

Same attending, im scrubbed in for an abd washout with a peritoneal dialysis catheter gone awry and ruptured blood vessels and intestine/colon, so clotted blood and feces all over the abd cavity, of course **** spills everywhere and seeps under the drapes and spills down on my white sneakers. Attending sees this , i see this, we look up at each other and I say "cant make an omelet without cracking a few eggs" he goes "consider this your baptism into surgery", and henceforth I went..

Oh, and the random OR board jokes, some high strung attending might get posted as a patient for a transrectal parietal lobectomty with transplant under local anaesthesia and with the davinci. Fun times, fun times.

 

[wannabeOBGYN]

During rounds:

SubI: Patient is a 79 year old female who (etc etc) ...and is still sexually active, and...

Attending (cuts her off): She's WHAT? EWWWWWW! WTF WRINKLY SEX!!!....ahem...go on...

Hahaha that's hilarious!

Gyn Attending, putting dropper of KOH in cervical sample from patient with vaginal itching: I hate this test. This is why I have med students. Smell this!

 

[SB100]

During rounds:

SubI: Patient is a 79 year old female who (etc etc) ...and is still sexually active, and...

Attending (cuts her off): She's WHAT? EWWWWWW! WTF WRINKLY SEX!!!....ahem...go on...

 

[ShyRem]

today attending says to me:

What is the medical term for a patient with constipation?

me: FOS?

Attending: S**tosis! You know, acidosis, alkalosis... s**tosis!

 

[Vergie]

Resp tech is putting up his cart right after a code so lots of people were around. I decided to help out and roll up the power cord.

Resp Tech: Oh you don't have to help with that, that's probably the dirtiest thing you've ever touched.

Attending: Clearly you don't know Seth very well then.

Needless to say that got quite a few laughs.

 

[Mace1370]

Psych TBI attending: The patient jumped or was thrown out of a second story building and did the world a favor by twisting in mid air so he landed on his face.

 

[45408]

student: "this patient is young, why are her knees so bad she needs a replacement?"

attending (with a russian accent): "there is a reason animals her size are always aquatic..."

Oh man, I'm going to use that one.

 

[Jolie South]

On my sub-I last month, we were finishing up a case in the OR when the patient starts going crazy waking up from anesthesia.

Me: *holding patient down to prevent violent kicking*
OR tech: "Let me help."
Chief Resident: "That's ok. Jolie doesn't need any help. She knows how to hold a man down."

 

[Vulcan]

2 more from the same attending:

During a pimping session:

::student is thinking about an answer to a question::

Attending: Oh COME ON! I just taught you this last week! I'm gonna smack you with my shoe!

Later on:

Attending: So you see we can't use Lovenox for DVTPPx in obese patients.

Student: Because it gets caught in the subQ fat?

Attending: Right! Yo mamma so fat she can't have Lovenox yaiya!

 

[Ashers]

An attending and I had been discussing "Arrested Development" all day in between case starts and stuff. I had pointed out that there's an attending at the institution (another department) that looks like Buster Bluth. My attending was like "You're right!" He came up to me while transporting the next patient and said, "Now, we need to find a Tobias here, so we can make fun of him like in the show! There's gotta be one somewhere here!"

 

[da8s0859q]

"You're all f*cked."
- Attending, in the context of his dim view of healthcare reform. God, I miss that guy.

 

[Vulcan]

An attending and I had been discussing "Arrested Development" all day in between case starts and stuff. I had pointed out that there's an attending at the institution (another department) that looks like Buster Bluth. My attending was like "You're right!" He came up to me while transporting the next patient and said, "Now, we need to find a Tobias here, so we can make fun of him like in the show! There's gotta be one somewhere here!"

I really hope he sneaks up behind his patients and goes 'heyyyy patient.'

 

[rigid]

Attending Hands A specimen to circ nurse
Circ: What do you want me to call this one?
Attending: 'Timothy'

Resident: When do you want this patient to see you again?
Attending: Never, I never want to see this patient even again
Resident: So on Friday?
Attending: Make it Monday, let her suffer over the weekend so she appreciates me a bit more

 

[Rollo]

An attending and I had been discussing "Arrested Development" all day in between case starts and stuff. I had pointed out that there's an attending at the institution (another department) that looks like Buster Bluth. My attending was like "You're right!" He came up to me while transporting the next patient and said, "Now, we need to find a Tobias here, so we can make fun of him like in the show! There's gotta be one somewhere here!"

Next time you talk to the Buster attending, just be ready for "I'M A MONSTER!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

 

[HiddenGentleman]

Student: Will this patient need another knee replacement later in life since she is getting her first one at such a young age?

Ortho Doc: Why? She's only going to be using them to walk to the refrigerator.

 

[21isFun]

In surgery this week:

Attending: So just put the tip of your scissors in...
Resident: Just the tip?
Attending: Just for a second.
Anesthesiology Asst: Just to see how it feels.

Everyone proceeds to laugh.

_______________________________

Same OR later that day:

Student: how do you know if you need to coag a subQ vessel before going through it?
Resident: Experience mostly- small things can be a big problem.
Attending: That's what she said.

 

[jbar]

Best thread in awhile, now I remember why I come on here. It's 4:30 am so the only one I can remember right now is from my chief on gen surg:

"Anyone can operate drunk, it take a real surgeon to operate hung over."

 

[Rollo]

Some big shot hospital administrator: "You guys practice evidence based medicine here, right?"
Attending: "No, we don't use evidence based. We just flip a coin and treat."

 

[Depakote]

Some fav's I've saved from med school:

Senior Resident: "What kinds of questions was she asking?"
Intern: "The stupid kind."

Student: "Who teaches your didactics?"
Intern: "Oh, we get the big guns."
Senior Resident: "With no bullets."

‎"You guys are doing an expert job of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but this ship is going down." ~MICU Attending

"What is good health? Dying at age 100... shot by a jealous husband." -Sleep Medicine Attending

 

[45408]

In surgery this week:

Attending: So just put the tip of your scissors in...
Resident: Just the tip?
Attending: Just for a second.
Anesthesiology Asst: Just to see how it feels.

Everyone proceeds to laugh.

_______________________________

Same OR later that day:

Student: how do you know if you need to coag a subQ vessel before going through it?
Resident: Experience mostly- small things can be a big problem.
Attending: That's what she said.

haha, well played

 

[tco]

I love this thread. Full of win.

This was nearly a month ago, so I forget all of the details of the conversation, but here was the basic outline:

Me: The patient is now deceased.
Attending: What was their most recent history?
Me: They had an operation by Dr. X, a ....
Attending, interrupting: Oh, well that's probably why they're deceased...

 

[VisionaryTics]

Dinosaur vascular attending: "Wives come and go. Surgery is forever."

ENT attending pissed off at a trauma consult: "Nobody presents with a mandibular fracture who didn't deserve one."

 

[mmmcdowe]

Student: Patient's main social activity is playing world of warcraft for hours daily.
Attending:What is that, is it any good?
Resident: It's a Schizoid person's wet dream
Attending: Ah, I get the picture.

 

[aSagacious]

Attending shooting the breeze with a resident.

Resident: So how many kids do you have?
Attending: 3 daughters.
Resident: You know how to make a son, don't you? Go in 6 inches and make a left.
Attending: *without missing a beat* I don't hold 4 inches back for ANYONE!

 

[SB100]

Attending shooting the breeze with a resident.

Resident: So how many kids do you have?
Attending: 3 daughters.
Resident: You know how to make a son, don't you? Go in 6 inches and make a left.
Attending: *without missing a beat* I don't hold 4 inches back for ANYONE!

 

[coldweatherblue]

student: "this patient is young, why are her knees so bad she needs a replacement?"

attending (with a russian accent): "there is a reason animals her size are always aquatic..."

awesome.

 

[Dissected]

In surgery this week:

Attending: So just put the tip of your scissors in...
Resident: Just the tip?
Attending: Just for a second.
Anesthesiology Asst: Just to see how it feels.

Everyone proceeds to laugh.

_______________________________

Same OR later that day:

Student: how do you know if you need to coag a subQ vessel before going through it?
Resident: Experience mostly- small things can be a big problem.
Attending: That's what she said.

I want to hang out in your OR, lol

 

[mmmcdowe]

Attending shooting the breeze with a resident.

Resident: So how many kids do you have?
Attending: 3 daughters.
Resident: You know how to make a son, don't you? Go in 6 inches and make a left.
Attending: *without missing a beat* I don't hold 4 inches back for ANYONE!

Truly amazing.

 

[SB100]

Attending: Complications attract this patient like crap attracts flies.

 

[Dallas]

Rounding up on the wards with an old but popular attending among the nurses

*In a whispering voice after a couple of nurses come up hugging and flirting with him* - "You know what they say about sailors having a woman in every port, well so do doctors on every ward"

 

[olemissbabydoc]

Attending: "I'm going to need a tall glass of alcohol and shut the hell up when I get home tonight" after a particularly ****ty day.

The best part of internal medicine has to be my team.

 

[colbgw02]

While rounding on a patient who had been recently re-admitted for a chronic gynecologic problem requiring surgery. She had a PSH of over 20 gyn operations.

Attending: "I really don't want to operate on this woman."
Resident: "Do you really want to admit that 23 other surgeons have a bigger d**k than you?"

Patient went to the OR later that day.

 

[45408]

Attending: "I'm going to need a tall glass of alcohol and shut the hell up when I get home tonight" after a particularly ****ty day.

The best part of internal medicine has to be my team.

Anesthesiologist after an unexpected on-table cardiac arrest: "I'm going home to my dog and getting drunk."

 

[bucks2010]

Nurse: "Are you with Smith? [Smith is his practice partner]"
Attending: "No, Smith's with me."

 

[SB100]

Upon starting rounds, standing right outside the room of a patient who had abdominoperineal resection for anal melanoma.

Chief: "So how's our lady without a butt?"

 

[Dallas]

Third and last case on a busy Tuesday on the CV surgical service, all three patients of the day have been morbidly obese.

CV surgical attending approaches the table: "I guess its fat tuesday today"

 

[olemissbabydoc]

Best attending comment on an inpatient subsequent visit note:

"Pt is frequent flyer. See last month's note".

God, I hate Internal Medicine... but I'm gonna miss that guy.

 

[ThePursuit]

Attending talking to medical student about gaining physical exam skills:
"Don't worry, I once performed a rectal exam to a woman's vagina"

 

[KarateSocks]

I'm on OB/GYN right now, and my preceptor was explaining that you just get used to looking at vaginas all day

"Being an OB/GYN is like being a dentist. Except you're surprised if you see teeth"

 

[sugeny]

Fourth year med student on my Emergency rotation. It's almost the end of my shift (11 pm) and I'm talking to the new attending who is starting his shift in a few minutes.

Looheru: "Yup, getting ready to leave soon."
New Attending: "What? You're not going to spend the night with me?"

Momentary pause, look of extreme panic on the attending's face...

New Attending: "In the ED, I meant, spend the night with me in the ED!"


The look on his face was priceless.