Funny attending/chief resident quotes

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sugeny said:
Fourth year med student on my Emergency rotation. It's almost the end of my shift (11 pm) and I'm talking to the new attending who is starting his shift in a few minutes.

Looheru: "Yup, getting ready to leave soon."
New Attending: "What? You're not going to spend the night with me?"

Momentary pause, look of extreme panic on the attending's face...

New Attending: "In the ED, I meant, spend the night with me in the ED!"


The look on his face was priceless.
Click to expand...

Must be a girl :D

--

Attending, while dictating for a pain / IBD patient who can't stop coming back:

"This is ridiculous. I know this patient's body more than I know my own wife's."
 
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These are awesome. :thumbup: to you guys posting -- everyone seems to have found some really cool attendings.

I'm a 2nd year, but I was in a discharge planning conference the other day for this gem:

Attending: "Did psych do anything for the patient last Friday?" "... on second thought, let me rephrase: I know they didn't do anything for him, but did they at least go see him?"
 
Psych attending reading patient's history which states that the patient will try to kill himself if he gets enough money to buy drugs with which to OD on.

Psych attending, "What the f---? He does know that it doesn't cost any money to jump off a building or in front of a moving train, right?"
 
"There isn't a single part of this girl that isn't round... except maybe the tip of her nose."
 
C diff does have a certain smell to it...or so I've been told by multiple physicians and nurses.
 
I'm presenting a 500+lb patient with severe lymphedema (so even his legs are giant and amorphous)
me: and the pt also presents with dizziness on exertion and loss of appetite for two wee...
attending: What do you mean by loss of appetite?
me: His wife says its a severe loss of appetite
attending: so only 2 whole pizzas for dinner and we now know his wife has a delusion disorder

In pediatrics, the chair of the dept is a neonatologist and just walked into clinic
Chair: What do we have here? Need me to see a patient?
me: you dont want to see him. He's a teenager and problematic.
Chair: You're right. I don't. But lets see him anyway.
<we both walk in>
<he walks out within 5 seconds after excusing himself immediately>
Chair: You didn't tell me he was butt ugly. Tell Dr Second in command to see him
 
diehardobgyn said:
C diff does have a certain smell to it...or so I've been told by multiple physicians and nurses.
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Yes and no. I've definitely smelled the "c diff smell"...but on the other hand, I've probably been told by a nurse a hundred times that someone's stool smells like c diff so they collected a sample and want me to order the test...the positive predictive value of it is probably less than 1%
 
Neurosurgery attending when I was a med student: "When choosing a medical specialty, you should consider the bodily fluids with which you come into contact. Gen Surg? They deal with poop. ENT? MUCUS. Urology? Urine. OB-GYN? *shudders visibly* Now, Neurosurgery! You deal with cerebrospinal fluid, the ONLY fluid that you'd rather get someone else's on you than your own!"
 
Last edited:
OMG, I haven't laughed so hard in a long long time. Being in medicine you know you just can't make this **** up. HAHAHAHA. Keep em coming.

Medical school degree - $220,000
Dealing with patients everyday - PRICELESS
Can't fix stupid and there is no pill for rapid weight loss.
 
When I was a med student this exchange really happended between a patient and an OB attending during a delivery. Patient was 400+ lbs and 3-4 med students/nurses were holding back fat rolls on the belly and thigh for the physician- who was struggling to get access to the vagina for the delivery.

OB: "How the hell could you have possibly gotten pregnant to begin with?"

Patient: [sigh] rolls eyes "You're like the 10th small-di** white person to ask me that since i been in here."
 
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sirenomelia said:
When I was a med student this exchange really happended between a patient and an OB attending during a delivery. Patient was 400+ lbs and 3-4 med students/nurses were holding back fat rolls on the belly and thigh for the physician- who was struggling to get access to the vagina for the delivery.

OB: "How the hell could you have possibly gotten pregnant to begin with?"

Patient: [sigh] rolls eyes "You're like the 10th small-di** white person to ask me that since i been in here."
Click to expand...
:laugh: oh to be a fly on the wall for that exchange.
 
sirenomelia said:
When I was a med student this exchange really happended between a patient and an OB attending during a delivery. Patient was 400+ lbs and 3-4 med students/nurses were holding back fat rolls on the belly and thigh for the physician- who was struggling to get access to the vagina for the delivery.

OB: "How the hell could you have possibly gotten pregnant to begin with?"

Patient: [sigh] rolls eyes "You're like the 10th small-di** white person to ask me that since i been in here."
Click to expand...

This is one of the grossest yet funniest things I have ever read on SDN. :laugh:
 
sirenomelia said:
When I was a med student this exchange really happended between a patient and an OB attending during a delivery. Patient was 400+ lbs and 3-4 med students/nurses were holding back fat rolls on the belly and thigh for the physician- who was struggling to get access to the vagina for the delivery.

OB: "How the hell could you have possibly gotten pregnant to begin with?"

Patient: [sigh] rolls eyes "You're like the 10th small-di** white person to ask me that since i been in here."
Click to expand...

That reminds me of the $1000 baby... It's called that because it was a 600 lb lady who paid $500 for her two neighbors to impregnate her... one to do the deed, and one to hold up the pannus for it to happen. I wonder which of those jobs was worse...
 
One of our attendings said that he only wanted 6th year residents and above to operate with him because "I want somebody who knows what he or she is doing." Without missing a beat, another attending said, "I thought that was our job!"
 
Psych Attending: "Agitated, aggressive, restless patient? Let's do a cocktail of haldol, ativan, and benadryl"
Mental Health Worker: "That cocktail usually works on my wife after which I tear that *** up!! She wakes up the next morning wondering why she hurts so much!"

I've never seen that attending laugh so hard in his life...actually, I have yet to see an attending laugh as hard as that one did.
 
I was discussing different zombie flicks with another medical student while the chief surgery resident was on the phone. He promptly put the phone down, spun around in his chair and said (emphatically) "Don't talk about zombie movies while I'm on the phone!"

Awesome.
 
This one is second hand information. To put it into perspective, my friend was on a Family Med rotation and WVU uses Dragon, so naturally there are mistakes made during dictation.

Said friend and another med student were reading the history on a patient that just walked through the door..."14 year old male who tripped, fell, and fractured his uterus."

They decided that it would be a good idea to rag the lighthearted attending about it. The attending was writing a note and didn't miss a beat during the session...

Student: I just wanted to clarify the history on this patient before I go in to see him.
Attending: Sure, go ahead.
Student: The patient is a 14 year old male who recently fell and fractured his proximal uterus?
Attending: Yeah...He's a transvestite with a bicornate uterus. The proximal portion of the bicornate uterus is much more brittle than the typical uterus, and therefore prone to fractures, especially during falls. Don't you know anything? Also, he doesn't like to talk about it, so don't bring it up.
Student: ...
Attending: Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what you get for not believing me.
 
mrwesticles said:
"There isn't a single part of this girl that isn't round... except maybe the tip of her nose."
Click to expand...

CV surgeon: 'How is the patient we operated on this morning?'
Resident: 'Well...he's a little dead"
 
Seeing a patient with a variceal bleed in the ED.

GI Attending: Don't worry. All bleeding eventually stops...

​
 
in reference to a pt who needed a Thora... "get pulm on board, Dr x is fresh in to fellowship so he'll be eager to tap that...wait that came out wrong."
 
During an above the knee amputation right after we had severed the leg:

Attending (holding freshly severed leg): Someone get this to the cafeteria, STAT!
 
Both surgery:

Attending: "You know, there were 3 requirements to graduate from my residency. 1) Have an article published in a legit peer reviewed journal. 2) Operate once while drunk because everyone else skipped out on duties and you'd get called in. 3) F*** a PACU nurse."

Me: "So you're saying you had a hard time with the journal article?"
Attending: "You have no idea...."


Urology attending: "Sure, I'll show you the ESWL but it is pretty boring. I pretty much just read the newspaper and play words with friends against that slut CRNA."
Me: "I'm glad to see you keep things PC around these parts."
attending: "What? I said "words with friends"
*10 minutes later as we are standing there*
"Is inhumans a word? Screw it, I'm just going to try it and see." *Pause* "Nope, not a word.....oh yea, how's the patient doing?"
 
Vulcan said:
During an above the knee amputation right after we had severed the leg:

Attending (holding freshly severed leg): Someone get this to the cafeteria, STAT!
Click to expand...

This is a pretty terrible attempt at humor.
 
Attending: So basically the gas-X didn't do a whole lot for this patient?
Resident: Yeah, never works for me either.
Attending: That explains ALOT.
 
mmmcdowe said:
I prefer the longer version. All bleeding eventually stops... because they eventually run out.
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Nah, I think the beauty is in the brevity of the previous poster's statement. Adding "because they eventually run out" is like having to explain a joke . . . it makes it much less funny. Simply stating "all bleeding eventually stops" makes the listener pause for a second before realizing what the implication is.
 
"Take an EBO. What, you don't know what an EBO is? Its' a term from my med school days when I was an M3... we used to ask each other 'you gettin an EBO?' Early break out."

Totally stealing that one. :laugh:
 
GuyWhoDoesStuff said:
Nah, I think the beauty is in the brevity of the previous poster's statement. Adding "because they eventually run out" is like having to explain a joke . . . it makes it much less funny. Simply stating "all bleeding eventually stops" makes the listener pause for a second before realizing what the implication is.
Click to expand...
But it's a double entendre - usually the blood clots or the vessel spasms, and the patient goes on to live another day. It's the "Ooooooh....." moment when you realize the other meaning the first time you hear it.
 
TheProwler said:
But it's a double entendre - usually the blood clots or the vessel spasms, and the patient goes on to live another day. It's the "Ooooooh....." moment when you realize the other meaning the first time you hear it.
Click to expand...

Right, hence ruining it all by trying to explain it explicitly.
 
GuyWhoDoesStuff said:
Nah, I think the beauty is in the brevity of the previous poster's statement. Adding "because they eventually run out" is like having to explain a joke . . . it makes it much less funny. Simply stating "all bleeding eventually stops" makes the listener pause for a second before realizing what the implication is.
Click to expand...

Gotta agree with GuyWhoDoesStuff on this one. The longer version is not funny at all; the shorter version makes you think of a dry witty person who says it with a straight face, then when you pause and get the meaning you realize he/she's being funny.
 
Rollo said:
Psych Attending: "Agitated, aggressive, restless patient? Let's do a cocktail of haldol, ativan, and benadryl"
Mental Health Worker: "That cocktail usually works on my wife after which I tear that *** up!! She wakes up the next morning wondering why she hurts so much!"

I've never seen that attending laugh so hard in his life...actually, I have yet to see an attending laugh as hard as that one did.
Click to expand...

Umm...what kind of a-hole thinks this is funny? Sounds like rape to me.
Anyways.


Attending: What do you get a woman who has everything?
Student: I don't know, maybe a massage? A day at the spa?
Attending: No! Broad spectrum antibiotics.


Attending told me this story about when he was in residency. He had this patient that came into the ED with some sort of acute abdomen. He's talking to the surgery consult, going over the CT, etc. The surgeon says, "you see, the job of the surgeon is not to know when to operate, but to know when NOT to operate." The resident then says, "all right, so I guess we're not going to send this guy to surgery?" The surgeon replies, "oh, **** no. this guys getting cut open."
 
In the middle of a surgery, the chief surgeon of the pediatric general surgery department starts to tell me a joke, continuing his work meanwhile. I don't remember the full joke, but it is pretty much the same as the one below:

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

He has also made the following joke: "An Internal Medicine doctor knows a lot but can't do anything, a surgeon knows a little and does a lot, a pathologist knows everything but is too late to do anything."
 
At the end of Psych rounds today...

Attending: What are the 3 most dangerous things in medicine?

Everyone: blank looks

Attending: 1) A med student with a sharp object
2) A resident with an article
3) An Attending with an anecdote
 
Recently in the OR:

Attending: You guys know how to hand tie?

Students: (Nod excitedly hoping we would get to do something.)

Attending: Good! Because I think my shoelaces have come undone.
 
Rollo said:
Psych Attending: "Agitated, aggressive, restless patient? Let's do a cocktail of haldol, ativan, and benadryl"
Mental Health Worker: "That cocktail usually works on my wife after which I tear that *** up!! She wakes up the next morning wondering why she hurts so much!"

I've never seen that attending laugh so hard in his life...actually, I have yet to see an attending laugh as hard as that one did.
Click to expand...

ummm.... rape much?
 
Trust No one. Trust nothing. Give oxygen.
 
While working at free community clinic....
Me: 38 year old female with blah blah blah
Resident: Ok, let's go see her.
Me: Just to warn you, she's pretty upset. Her appointment was for 8... (current time 1:30)
Resident: Whatever, tell her when the hot dogs are free, the line is long.

--------------
On gen surg, in the OR....
Cheif resident: Ok, shouldBstudying, you are going to be the one to cut through the tibia. No pressure, but other3rdyear did it in like 5 strokes. You ready?
Me (female and def not butch): *gulp* ok... begins sawing
Cheif resident / 2nd year resident / surg tech (all male): Go! Go! Go! GO!
Me: frantically sawing
2nd year resident: I'm strangely turned on right now...
Entire room bursts into laughter.

...... 5 minutes later.....

2nd year resident: That was so awkward, I can't believe I said that.
 
"I take ****s at work because it saves me money in water bills at home"
 
"nah...you just do it with more sphincter tone"

not really funny...just so versatile.
 
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