Today's comedian of the day is Daniel Tosh!
When I was a kid, even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street. I'd be, like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer!"
I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I know, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer!" "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over the bacon—" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "That was a sick joke..." No it wasn't. That was a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"
What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to ****in' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to ****in' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "****, yeah, it's ****ing heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't ****in' swear?" "No ****in' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity.
I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And so I say....and I'm not going to censor myself here 'Hey buddy, Get off the phone please!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business *******. So I reach over the seat, I want to punch him in the face, but at that moment I see my braclet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
One time I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a serpent. We both started laughing. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
Me and my girlfriend went on vacation recently to Hawaii and when we got off the plane she was like, "This looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama." And I'm like, "Shut up Britney Spears!" And she's like "Quit calling me Britney Spears!" And Im like (smack), "No one talks to The Rock that way!" The weird thing is, I don't even have a girlfriend... That was just some lady on the bus... She did not smell what I was cooking...
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MTXTHMtnXA&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]