Becoming a Doctor, No Family Support

[Strawberrylover]

I'm a MS4, applying for residency this year.
I was born/raised here but I come from a society where doctors are highly respected. All our relatives are proud of me that I am applying to residency, and are not shy about saying so.
I'm personally modest-I am gracious when complimented but I do not go around bragging and look at everyone the same.
But my younger brother chose not to go into medicine. He's a psychology major, working in a lab now, with no clear long term plans. He gets easily jealous when people praise me. He's upset that no one praises him the same way. My parents fully warned him, years ago, that this may happen-but to no avail.
Now, my brother routinely criticizes doctors and our profession and me. My parents, to make him feel better, join him in it. As a result, my whole family puts down doctors, and me for being one...note the change in tone from years ago when they encouraged me to pursue my dream of being a doctor...
I have wanted to be a doctor for so long-and am very passionate about it-but I worry that my profession will lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and friction in my family.
And..-I have met dating prospects who didn't want to be with a woman making more money than them. I didn't brag or anything-but he looked up how much money someone in my field would make and regardless of variation, it was more than what he would make.

I'm feeling dejected and depressed. I love my career. But I don't know how to deal with this friction.

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[Doctoscope]

With the dating scene, you've got nothing to lose. It's a self-filter against dbags and unconfident men. If a man genuinely doesn't want to be with a woman who makes more money than them (which screams inferiority complex), but sticks around anyway, then that relationship is doomed to fail. So there was no point dating that man in the first place.

 

[Tangerine123]

Try and handle the situation in a polite and underststanding way, but make it clear that you are doing something you are passionate about and that you would love to have their support.

I had (and still do, to a lesser extent) a similar situation with my father.

He wanted me to go into linguistics and was disappointed when I went into medicine. He didn't support me financialy and a close family friend picked up the tab because he believed in me.

I finished medschool and landed a PhD/Residency spot in a top program/university hospital in Europe. He continous nagging me that I should have gone to the US instead

I chose Psych. He keeps insisting that it's not real medicine and that I should reevaluate what I'm doing with my life. I always have to explain my research field and reassure him that it's taken seriously in the scientific world (Hoping to publish our clinical trial findings in Jama Psychiatry soon!). He still dismisses it as garbage.

Bottom line, it's your life. People won't always be 100% happy with what you do. Just keep looking forward, latch onto people that support you and take other's opinion about your life with a grain of salt.

 

[You shall know the Truth]

With the dating scene, you've got nothing to lose. It's a self-filter against dbags and unconfident men. If a man genuinely doesn't want to be with a woman who makes more money than them (which screams inferiority complex), but sticks around anyway, then that relationship is doomed to fail. So there was no point dating that man in the first place.

I disagree with you, I don’t think it is solely the way you portray.

 

[calivianya]

Just don’t deal with it at all - it’s too much extra stress on top of med school/residency. I would tell them exactly how you feel, say you have too much stress of your own to deal with them putting you down on top of it, and that you’re only willing to continue associating with them if they can get their attitude problems under control. If they really care about you, they'll quit being obnoxious when they realize you’re serious. If they don't, at least you can have a clean break.

Luckily, the residency match is a golden opportunity to rank programs on the other side of the country and put thousands of miles between yourself and your family if it comes to that. Having no support system at all is better than having a bad support system. You can always make new friends and start a new family of your own somewhere else, and it’s easier to meet people and have fun when you don’t feel awful all the time because your family is putting you down.

I disagree with you, I don’t think it is solely the way you portray.

It’s exactly that way. There’s a reason money problems are one of the most common causes of divorce. A good relationship is a partnership where each party supports the other, regardless of who makes the most money - and if one party is constantly complaining about money and making passive aggressive comments about the other’s success, it’s going to go sour eventually.

 

[RunsOnCaffeine]

OP, I think you should surround yourself with people who build you up - peers, friends, etc., so you don't go down the rabbit hole of feeling like your brother's opinion should run your life. It is hard when that type of behavior is done by those closest to you, and I think some good would be done by spending more time with people who admire you for your career rather than belittle it. Jealously and envy are ugly on anyone.

Lots of people have insecurities in the dating world...I find it sad that some don't want a spouse making more than them. Personally I would love kinda love it, but that's just me.

 

[Doctoscope]

I disagree with you, I don’t think it is solely the way you portray.

Why would any man that's worth having a meaningful relationship with care if the other makes more money than them? Why? There is ZERO reason to. It's straight up inferiority complex. This isn't "you're a sketchy finance guy who rakes in millions," this is "you're a physician who makes more money tham me." That relationship is doomed to fail.

 

[Tangerine123]

Why would any man that's worth having a meaningful relationship with care if the other makes more money than them? Why? There is ZERO reason to. It's straight up inferiority complex. This isn't "you're a sketchy finance guy who rakes in millions," this is "you're a physician who makes more money tham me." That relationship is doomed to fail.

Pure sexism. It rarely happens the other way around. The idea that the man has to be the economical provider of a hosehold and If he isn't then he is not worthy of playing the "role of a man". Luckily new generations are changing. I've never seen this as a gay guy, I guess we see eachother more as equals in that manner.

 

[Strawberrylover]

I should also add-several years ago, I got into an accelerated elementary school program in my district. My parents were thrilled. Cried of joy.
A few years later, my brother fails to get in-my parents convinced me it was my fault- because my teachers did not like me, and therefore did not accept him. Being a little kid, I believed this.
Once I grew older, I realized how untrue this was-I ran into my teachers and they remembered me for being hardworking back then-and I also found out entrance into the program was solely based on an entrance exam...not current teachers subjectively evaluating people based on their family members...
But hence the concern-that as a doctor, I will be doing better than him-which will evoke friction in the family

 

[Cornfed101]

You need to find someone like Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s husband. That guy was happy when his wife was successful even if it meant his career would take a hit. A role model for me for sure.

Also, your family will come around. I wouldn’t worry about them right now. Sometimes family does stupid stuff and throws daggers, but I’ve found they almost always come around. You can definitely confront them about it and tell them how it makes you feel.

 

[Strawberrylover]

You need to find someone like Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s husband. That guy was happy when his wife was successful even if it meant his career would take a hit. A role model for me for sure.

Also, your family will come around. I wouldn’t worry about them right now. Sometimes family does stupid stuff and throws daggers, but I’ve found they almost always come around. You can definitely confront them about it and tell them how it makes you feel.

Thanks so much. Unfortunately, this has been an issue with my family, for quite some time-they'd encourage me to do aim and achieve high-but then when my brother didn't, they would criticize my achievements, my field, etc-in this case, medicine/doctors as a whole-to make him feel better.
I worry that with the upcoming Match-such friction will only be exacerbated.
As it will when, four years later, I become a board licensed physician.
But...I can't fathom giving up on my dream of being a doctor. I just can't. I think I'd be a great doctor, and I would also love doing it.
I also feel that even if I chose another field, it may still end up being more prestigious than what he's in (he doesn't tend to be hard working)-and so, leaving medicine would not guarantee freedom from these issues.

 

[IMG69]

If you haven't done anything wrong don't apologize or feel down. My grandmother (who lived with us) used to degrade me all the time and was extremely toxic, saying i'd never get into med school, then it was you won't pass, then it was you'll never be a good doctor. I stopped talking to her completely basically for several years, our conversation consisted of "can I use the stove now". My mother caught onto this pretty quickly and i'm unsure if she said anything but eventually my grandmother changed.

I think it got to her that her only grandson basically completely ignored her for 3 years, as of recently she's completely changed now she sits down with me to discuss health related articles and health supplements etc it's fantastic.

I think if you start to show its effected/effecting you and do something similar to what I did they might realise what they're doing to you. As others have said time usually fixes things.

 

[Strawberrylover]

If you haven't done anything wrong don't apologize or feel down. My grandmother (who lived with us) used to degrade me all the time and was extremely toxic, saying i'd never get into med school, then it was you won't pass, then it was you'll never be a good doctor. I stopped talking to her completely basically for several years, our conversation consisted of "can I use the stove now". My mother caught onto this pretty quickly and i'm unsure if she said anything but eventually my grandmother changed.

I think it got to her that her only grandson basically completely ignored her for 3 years, as of recently she's completely changed now she sits down with me to discuss health related articles and health supplements etc it's fantastic.

I think if you start to show its effected/effecting you and do something similar to what I did they might realise what they're doing to you. As others have said time usually fixes things.

Thanks. And sorry you had to go through that! Just this year, I've begun to stand up to them. Earlier, I never spoke to them in so much as a harsh tone-just nicely asked "Please can you not say that, doctors are great, they save lives"...playing nice did nothing at all. Today I kind of put my foot down-and when they began to raise their voices at me, raised my voice too-I worked hard to become a doctor-and needlessly taking insults, all because my brother chose not to put in the work to also become a doctor, is just not right. Hopefully, this works.

 

[IMG69]

Thanks. And sorry you had to go through that! Just this year, I've begun to stand up to them. Earlier, I never spoke to them in so much as a harsh tone-just nicely asked "Please can you not say that, doctors are great, they save lives"...playing nice did nothing at all. Today I kind of put my foot down-and when they began to raise their voices at me, raised my voice too-I worked hard to become a doctor-and needlessly taking insults, all because my brother chose not to put in the work to also become a doctor, is just not right. Hopefully, this works.

I used to fight back and argue but it would never get through that's why I simply resorted to ignoring her. I found usually when someone's attacking you it's much more impactful to just say ok and then walk off while they're in a rage; I feel like they get caught in the moment and realise wtf they're doing, rather than risk aggravating a situation by fighting back.

Hope it works out for you.

 

[Tenk]

That guy was a soyboy beta male. Find an alpha. This is the whey.

 

[deleted480308]

When you rank, rank farther away but don’t tell them. It will be refreshing

 

[Mad Jack]

I should also add-several years ago, I got into an accelerated elementary school program in my district. My parents were thrilled. Cried of joy.
A few years later, my brother fails to get in-my parents convinced me it was my fault- because my teachers did not like me, and therefore did not accept him. Being a little kid, I believed this.
Once I grew older, I realized how untrue this was-I ran into my teachers and they remembered me for being hardworking back then-and I also found out entrance into the program was solely based on an entrance exam...not current teachers subjectively evaluating people based on their family members...
But hence the concern-that as a doctor, I will be doing better than him-which will evoke friction in the family

It sounds like your parents have some issues. Don't let their issues get to your head.

Thanks. And sorry you had to go through that! Just this year, I've begun to stand up to them. Earlier, I never spoke to them in so much as a harsh tone-just nicely asked "Please can you not say that, doctors are great, they save lives"...playing nice did nothing at all. Today I kind of put my foot down-and when they began to raise their voices at me, raised my voice too-I worked hard to become a doctor-and needlessly taking insults, all because my brother chose not to put in the work to also become a doctor, is just not right. Hopefully, this works.

My bet is that they're disappointed greatly by your brother and take it out on you because they're from a culture that values male achievement more than that of women. Sour grapes, basically. You might have to put some distance between yourself and your family so that they understand this sort of behavior could cost them their relationship with you. Don't let their misery and your brother's failure ruin your life

 

[JiPo]

There will always be people that will be jealous of your success. Like everyone has said, don’t let this affect you. Some small minded people are just intimidated by you. It has nothing to do with you. You worked hard to get where you are, and you owe them nothing. So don’t feel bad!

As for your dating prospect, I would forget about him. Doesnt seem like a keeper. Smells too strong of inferiority complex.

As for your family, I am sorry this is happening, but perhaps doing residency far away from them could be a refreshing change for you.

 

[Dr G Oogle]

I can’t comment on family specifics but it certainly sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship meant to help your brothers own personal insecurities and narcissism at the expense of you. I’d recommend trying to limit the interactions you have with them, ultimately you should follow the beat of your own drum and frankly if parents are not 100% encouraging of their kid in anything they choose to do (not necessarily financially, just moral support) than IMO they are not very good parents. I say that as someone with similar dysfunctional family dynamics as described above and it took me a very long time to see it and distance myself from them, it was hard but I am ultimately happier and healthier.

As far as guys being intimated by your job/salary, frankly as someone above mentioned it’s a nice litmus for how insecure/terrible mate potential the guy is. take it from me, a guy, insecurity in a man about their female partner’s earning, job relative to their own is a very good window into their character and is just about the worst kind of character flaw because every other kind of dysfunction (abuse, disconnectedness, etc) can be traced back to that. Granted some of that is societal which still places much more emphasis on defining men by their careers and primary breadwinners but that doesn’t mean everyone is like that; plenty of guys out there who are normal and will value you for you and your accomplishments.

TLDR: live your best life and set toxic relationshios gently to the curb

 

[Fatalis]

I'm a MS4, applying for residency this year.
I was born/raised here but I come from a society where doctors are highly respected. All our relatives are proud of me that I am applying to residency, and are not shy about saying so.
I'm personally modest-I am gracious when complimented but I do not go around bragging and look at everyone the same.
But my younger brother chose not to go into medicine. He's a psychology major, working in a lab now, with no clear long term plans. He gets easily jealous when people praise me. He's upset that no one praises him the same way. My parents fully warned him, years ago, that this may happen-but to no avail.
Now, my brother routinely criticizes doctors and our profession and me. My parents, to make him feel better, join him in it. As a result, my whole family puts down doctors, and me for being one...note the change in tone from years ago when they encouraged me to pursue my dream of being a doctor...
I have wanted to be a doctor for so long-and am very passionate about it-but I worry that my profession will lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and friction in my family.
And..-I have met dating prospects who didn't want to be with a woman making more money than them. I didn't brag or anything-but he looked up how much money someone in my field would make and regardless of variation, it was more than what he would make.

I'm feeling dejected and depressed. I love my career. But I don't know how to deal with this friction.

dont' live a life others want you to live; forge your own path. There are plenty of guys who don't care about the money you make and your brother's own insecurities shouldn't hinder you achieving your dream

 

[Strawberrylover]

Thanks everyone for all the support. Feels great just knowing there are people who support my desire to continue to want to go into medicine

 

[NITRAS]

I can’t comment on family specifics but it certainly sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship meant to help your brothers own personal insecurities and narcissism at the expense of you. I’d recommend trying to limit the interactions you have with them, ultimately you should follow the beat of your own drum and frankly if parents are not 100% encouraging of their kid in anything they choose to do (not necessarily financially, just moral support) than IMO they are not very good parents. I say that as someone with similar dysfunctional family dynamics as described above and it took me a very long time to see it and distance myself from them, it was hard but I am ultimately happier and healthier.

As far as guys being intimated by your job/salary, frankly as someone above mentioned it’s a nice litmus for how insecure/terrible mate potential the guy is. take it from me, a guy, insecurity in a man about their female partner’s earning, job relative to their own is a very good window into their character and is just about the worst kind of character flaw because every other kind of dysfunction (abuse, disconnectedness, etc) can be traced back to that. Granted some of that is societal which still places much more emphasis on defining men by their careers and primary breadwinners but that doesn’t mean everyone is like that; plenty of guys out there who are normal and will value you for you and your accomplishments.

TLDR: live your best life and set toxic relationshios gently to the curb

I disagree with this statement. Kids are generally dumb. Young adults are more dumb than they will be when they are older. They need parenting, often more than young kids. If my kids are doing something stupid (not to call going to medical school stupid), I'm going to tell them its stupid and not support them because I love them. The OP describes a toxic relationship for sure, though. I can't imaging tearing down one child to support another, but my kids are young.

 

[Mad Jack]

I disagree with this statement. Kids are generally dumb. Young adults are more dumb than they will be when they are older. They need parenting, often more than young kids. If my kids are doing something stupid (not to call going to medical school stupid), I'm going to tell them its stupid and not support them because I love them. The OP describes a toxic relationship for sure, though. I can't imaging tearing down one child to support another, but my kids are young.

Agreed. Good parenting involves supporting good decisions. There's some latitude as to what good can entail, but generally encouraging a gainful career and a healthy personal life should be priority. The OP's parents are not doing either of these, as they are bringing down their daughter for doing well and making her personal life suffer as well.

 

[scoopdaboop]

But my younger brother chose not to go into medicine. He's a psychology major

Oh wow... I haven't heard this one before Clearly your brother is jealous and your parents are handling it wrong.

 

[LunaOri]

You are almost done with medical school, so hang in there and finish up. Live your dream!
Date men who don't care how much money you make--whether it's another physician, or a guy who wants to be a stay-at-home father.
When your family voices unfair opinions, turn and walk away. You don't need to listen. You are a good daughter; it is not your job to make your brother a good son, or your parents good parents.
Do not listen to your family FOR ONE SECOND when it comes to choosing a specialty or a residency program. They have shown that they do not have your best interests at heart. If you changed careers, they would start criticizing you for dropping out of medicine.

 

[Goro]

It sounds like your parents have some issues. Don't let their issues get to your head.

My bet is that they're disappointed greatly by your brother and take it out on you because they're from a culture that values male achievement more than that of women. Sour grapes, basically. You might have to put some distance between yourself and your family so that they understand this sort of behavior could cost them their relationship with you. Don't let their misery and your brother's failure ruin your life

Words of gold, OP. You have a toxic family and best to stay as far away from them as possible.

Family is who/what you make it out to be. You'll find it with your peers and friends.

 

[Weirdy]

Politely and firmly, tell both your parents and brother to take a long ****ing hike.

You will never be able to please them.
It is only a matter of time before you will have the difficult conversation of "This is my life, I will do what I think is necessary, take ownership of my decisions, and live happily".

Never realized what a blessing it was to go to school physically far away from home. It is completely refreshing to see your own decisions and hardwork take shape, and to realize how free you can be to do whatever the **** you need to do without your parents, relatives, or siblings weighing you down.

Be kind, but firm. Match far away. Work hard and see how much better you feel when you physically distance yourself from them.

Edit: If these issues are not resolved, it will bleed into your future relationship. There is nothing worse than seeing your SO suffer or wanting better for you because you could not extract yourself from a toxic, familial environment.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Others have said everything I wanted to say about the family bit. The only thing I wanted to add is this: it’s not wrong for a man to want to be the provider for his family. But the right man for YOU will have to be flexible. He will be able to see past social pressure, and do what is right for you as a couple, no matter what that looks like (stay at home dad, make more money, make the same money, make less money).

 

[Weirdy]

Others have said everything I wanted to say about the family bit. The only thing I wanted to add is this: it’s not wrong for a man to want to be the provide for his family. But the right man for YOU will have to be flexible. He will be able to see past social pressure, and do what is right for you as a couple, no matter what that looks like (stay at home dad, make more money, make the same money, make less money).

Glad you found a keeper and am still happy with him. Respect.

 

[ACSurgeon]

One thing I haven’t seen here, and perhaps to play devil’s advocate, is that your family might think you’ve made it in life and therefore think you can “handle” the negativity to prop op your less successful sibling.

You’ll find that some people who know you will think of you in a more special light or as more invincible than you view yourself. It’s a double standard and it gets worse if you have a more prestigious job or make more money than some of your family or old acquaintances. A lot of this is subconscious on their part. Some of it could be with ill intent, but, again playing devil’s advocate and giving them benefit of the doubt. It’s frustrating especially as you’re still establishing yourself and need some moral support.

I wouldn’t advocate cutting ties with people you care about, maybe talk to them and try to understand their perspective while explaining yours. Ultimately you might become closer to a group of friends that are in a similar boat as you, but I wouldn’t be so quick to write off your family