Constructive Critism of my AACOMAS essay

[DD214_DOC]

Hey guys,

I'd like some input and critique on this essay I spent about 20 minutes on. I know it needs a lot of polishing, but I want to know if the general idea of what I'm trying to convey will look good and makes any sense.

I have never seen an example AACOMAS essay, so I really had no idea what to write other than my influences for medicine.

<a href="http://www.geocities.com/jkdmed/essay3.doc">My Essay</a>

Note: You may have to copy/paste into your title bar. Geocities is lame sometimes.

Here's my first impressions:

A) I spent too much time on the "fight"
B) I need to elaborate more on the last two points
C) Possibly explain the relevance between osteopathy and martial arts (though I think they'd be smart enough to get it)

What else? For you flame-happy people out there, please keep in mind I wrote this in about 20 minutes with no rough draft.

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[PublicHealth]

Well done -- especially considering that you spent only 20 minutes on it! You're a great writer.

Your concerns above are similar to mine. The "fight" is definitely a good lead, but you should try to incorporate more of your academic and clinical experiences when discussing why you want to pursue osteopathic medicine. While the connection between martial arts and osteopathic medicine is fairly clear, you make it seem as if your interest in the human body's interconnectedness could be satisfied by your becoming a martial arts instructor. I think one paragraph about the "fight," another about how academic/clinical experiences influenced your decision to pursue osteopathic medicine, and a final paragraph about your personal experiences with disease in your family is the way to go. With this structure, your essay will likely be better balanced -- you never know who's going to read it!

PH

 

[mj1878]

I tried to look at your paper, but it said that it was unavailable for viewing. Maybe you're editing it.

 

[DD214_DOC]

Geocities is dumb like that. You may have to try more than once, or copy/paste the shortcut into your browser's address bar.

 

[DrLady]

JKMed,
I can't read ur essay, but i want to warn you not to post ur essay because a lot of people will be turning in their aacomas/amcas application in next couple months and they may incorporate some of ur info into theirs if not copy the whole thing. Please just PM ppl. I will try on your link again and will see. From the posts of other ppl, ur essay sounds great.
Good luck!

-DL

 

[DD214_DOC]

Well, I didn't think someone would do that but you're probably right. If anyone is interested in reading it, please PM me your email. THanks.