Could you rate my essay?

Started by piggle
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piggle

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I'd really appreciate it if someone could read an essay I wrote as a part of a practice test

Thanks guys! 😀

Here's the prompt: In the recording of history, it is impossible to be objective.

Looking back at the past is always a troublesome exercise: what is remembered may not always be the most correct version of what actually happened. Scientific studies have shown that it is an intrinsically human characteristic to color the past with subjective thought. That being said, it is improbable that the recording of history can be accomplished in a completely objective manner. The parties involved in any historical event will invariably tinge their version of the event with their own beliefs. For example, a British historian recording his take on World War II at the time might justify the actions of his country as morally superior: England was fighting a war against a brutish and cruel German army who threatened the safety of the world. However, a German historian might spin it the opposite way: Germany was merely seeking justice for the wrongs it had suffered at the end of World War I. So which is "correct"? Recorded history is fraught with such examples, and is, in some respects, highly subjective.

However, there are examples to the contrary. Take, for instances, the discovery of Neolithic Native American artifacts in the American Midwest. In places such as the Cahokia Mounds in Illinois, history is recorded not through words, which are so easily tinged with opinion, but with tangible artifacts of an ancient civilization. Here, those in the present day who wish to record the history of these societies must construct the past objectively by studying the physical evidence. No voices from the ancient world tell us what to think or how exactly to view this civilization. It is only the remains of weapons, pottery, clothing, etc that can help to define the characteristics of this slice of human history. Historians are forced to make conclusions from the data that is present. Thus, ironically, history regains its objectivity because those who lived it are not around to elucidate.

The objectivity of recorded history is contingent upon the relation of those who are doing the recording to the historical events in question. If a party is deeply connected or inherently related to the history being recorded, then it is likely (as was the case with the two versions of military morality in World War II) that objectivity will be sacrificed. Human nature compels those involved to "tell their side" and in doing so, they create records seeped in their own personal beliefs and justifications. However, if a historical event is much removed from the recorder, as is the case with the aforementioned ancient artifacts, then it is more likely that those recording history will do so by objectively examining the remnants of the past. Recorded history, then, is an paradoxical phenomenon in that it can be both objective and subjective at times.
 
In my view, your essay is not "easy on the eyes". Your sentences are long and complicated and you don't say much with them. Take an example:

You wrote: "Looking back at the past is always a troublesome exercise: what is remembered may not always be the most correct version of what actually happened."

What you mean: "Looking back at the past is always difficult: recorded history may not always accurately reflect what happened."

Take a moment to compare what you like about your version and my version, and try to see why I suggested the change.

You see, "troublesome" is really not what you mean to say, and it sort of has the wrong connotation. In any case, the phrase "is always a troublesome exercise" is longer than it need be. If you have something to say, then do so quickly. The master himself said "brevity is the soul of wit". Of course, in MCAT writing sections we are not trying to be witty, but the principle applies: a neat, clean argument is always more effective than a wordy, rambling one.

You make too many spelling/usage/meaning mistakes. Don't do that. For example, you say, "is contingent upon the relation of those who are doing the recording to the historical events in question". ["is contingent...in question" is redundant.]

Some things I like about this: the example used -- the First Nation reference -- is excellent. Coming from a reader that knows nothing about this reference, it really pulls me in and makes me want to read more. It also suggests that you have some idea of what you're talking about. The details about location and name of the tribe are terrific. Be warned, though, that you shouldn't make things up (not that you did so, just be careful! 🙂 ) The WWII references could used the same sort of polish -- but they are interesting even if more superficial.

Overall, I give your paper a 3 out of 6. You have room for improvement. (And I'm a strict grader.)
 
Thanks! I really appreciate it, especially since I don't really have any other way of getting these things graded! And, haha, I didn't make it the Cahokia Mounds reference up, I used to live in Saint Louis and almost every year in elementary school, we used to have a field trip to the site. For some reason it was the first thing that popped up in my mind.

And yeah I have some trouble with starting out my essays. Do you have any suggestions on what would be a good hook/intro? I don't want to just start with "<insert prompt here> means <insert explanation here>"
 
That essay is fine for MCAT purposes. My essay on the real thing wasn't as strong as that one and I got a Q so you are probably looking at around an R or S.

And yeah I have some trouble with starting out my essays. Do you have any suggestions on what would be a good hook/intro? I don't want to just start with "<insert prompt here> means <insert explanation here>"

That's what I did. 😀
 
Thanks! I really appreciate it, especially since I don't really have any other way of getting these things graded! And, haha, I didn't make it the Cahokia Mounds reference up, I used to live in Saint Louis and almost every year in elementary school, we used to have a field trip to the site. For some reason it was the first thing that popped up in my mind.

And yeah I have some trouble with starting out my essays. Do you have any suggestions on what would be a good hook/intro? I don't want to just start with "<insert prompt here> means <insert explanation here>"

Pretty good essay. Only thing grammatically I'd say to avoid is the overuse of colons.