Dating a fellow medical student who has academic problems?

[RedAlez]

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Hello,

I had a post up here asking a question about my life, I have since received very useful replies and would like to close/delete this thread, however I just realised I cannot infact delete an SDN thread so I'm editing this post. Thanks for all your replies!

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[J ROD]

Relationships are not a business transaction. If you love the dude, then marry him and accept what follows.

IF you are more concerned about financial situations and what things look like with his situation, then I would say move on.

From reading, it sounds like you have a problem with his "ability". SO, unless you can overcome that, I would suggest moving on.

It is hard to say whether or not they will get this and that. Obviously, the more problems you have the worst your chances are.

 

[bengirlxD]

As someone who has been in a relationship for two years and going I know it becomes harder and harder to let go of someone the longer they stay in your lives. He seemed to have been quite immature in the past and is currently getting his act together. But the first warning sign that I saw when I read your post was the fact that he CHOSE to go 8,000km away from you. He could have easily owned up to it and gotten another year behind and still get his act together. It seems like he is more willing to compromise your relationship with him for the sake of him having an easier way in life but then again that is my interpretation of him based on what you have written. My advice is to wait before making any commitments. See if he is willing to do his very best to get where you are and be close to you. If he does that then it shows commitment.

 

[RedAlez]

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[RedAlez]

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[bengirlxD]

You're perfect grasp of the situation amazes me. I was so sure I hadn't explained quite enough despite my long post but apparently I have! I do struggle with holding back and waiting for another person to take action but I should probable learn to do so. Would you say to wait until he graduates and see what he does then? Or should I be expecting him to take steps towards joining me once I get a job and such?

Yes I think you should wait until he graduates to find out if he is willing to do what it takes to match somewhere close to where you are and since he is graduating from the Caribbean he might have a tougher hurdle. If he does everything he can and is unable to match, it will be the ultimate test. He either finds a match somewhere far away from you and decides to go there or he decides to put his pursuit of medicine on hold in order to hold on to the relationship (and maybe trying again at a later time once you guys are more secure). Either way it will be a very difficult situation if it comes down to these choices but I think you know what you have to do if he decides to go somewhere else.

 

[RedAlez]

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[WhtsThFrequency]

As someone who has been in a relationship for two years and going I know it becomes harder and harder to let go of someone the longer they stay in your lives. He seemed to have been quite immature in the past and is currently getting his act together. But the first warning sign that I saw when I read your post was the fact that he CHOSE to go 8,000km away from you. He could have easily owned up to it and gotten another year behind and still get his act together. It seems like he is more willing to compromise your relationship with him for the sake of him having an easier way in life but then again that is my interpretation of him based on what you have written. My advice is to wait before making any commitments. See if he is willing to do his very best to get where you are and be close to you. If he does that then it shows commitment.

So wait, he should have chosen to have to go back another year just for her? I'm not sure what you are getting at here. It sounds like he made the right choice for his education and career. And it doesn't sound like they had been dating for that long at the time. Would you sacrifice a year of your time (and a year more of accumulated debt) for 6-12 month long relationship?

Making a practical decision like that is more important. The only time I would put a career on hold and acquire even more debt for a significant other would be if I was engaged or married to them. It's insanely risky, bordering on idiotic, do so without a guarantee of committment. Additionally, why is it only on HIM to prove commitment? She was the one who broke it off in the first place because she couldn't do long distance. Why should HE be the only one that has to make concessions to his career for the relationship?

OP sound somewhat elitist and overly concerned with how his presumed lack of prestige will make her appear. You would seriously base a marriage on "grades" and getting a "choice residency"? There are more thing to life than that. It sounds like he messed up and then made great strides to improve himself; just because you have not failed yet (don't worry, you will....everyone does at something eventually) you should not look at him as some sort of inferior. If he was a chronic lazy ass that would be another thing, but I don't see that here.

 

[styphon]

This is not a residency/job interview, it should instead be about love/commitment.

Are you worried of the appearance of dating someone who failed? Are you worried he may not get a competitive residency? Are you worried that you may not match near each other (geographically)?

If its the 1st or 2nd reason, I would really refocus and some some "introspective" time on what life/relationship/the future is really about.

 

[RedAlez]

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[RedAlez]

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[WhtsThFrequency]

I understand your stance on practicality and I do think that he made the right choice for his life and future career. Yes I was the one who broke off the relationship but this was something we discussed prior to the start of the relationship, he knew that a LDR wasn't something I'd choose for myself.

You are right, I do in fact worry about appearances, I want a husband I am proud of. I don't want to say oh it doesn't matter and then 10 years down the line I start wondering if I could have done better. I've seen relationships where that happens and it's not pretty.

I'm proud of how far he's come and he does seem willing to continue to work hard and for that I admire him. I do not see him as inferior to me in anyway.

Yet you say in the very next post that you do not worry about appearances. Which is it?

And secondly, those two things are not equivalent. Being worried about appearances means you worry about what OTHER people think of YOU by extension of your husband's worth in their eyes. You being proud of your husband is reliant upon what YOU think of him and how YOU value him.

You are, perhaps subconciously, making it clear that you do not fully respect him and you are not proud of his accomplishments because perhaps his road started off rockier than most. You say you do not see him as inferior, but you are contradicting yourself and saying you worry that you think you will worry down that line that you could have done "better".

What does "better " mean?

A man who went to a more prestigious med school or residency?

A man who makes more money?

A man with more letters after his name?

A man who didn't fail any classes?

Etc

 

[RedAlez]

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