Heartbroken...please help

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uncjules

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I had been dating my boyfriend for the past two and a half years. We both graduated from college in May and he entered dental school in August...3,000 miles away. He applied to five schools, and this one was the only one he got into. He didn't want to wait another year to go closer to home and I didn't get in the way of his decision. Anyway, we were extremely devoted to each other. We were best friends above anything else. When he decided to go to this school, he told me he wasn't going unless I came with him. With that, he said he wanted to propose to me over the summer since I didn't want to move across the country for someone who was only my boyfriend. The summer came and went, but no engagement. He said he felt like if he did propose, it would be overshadowed by him starting school and not knowing what to expect from it. Although I was devastated, I understood, and in turn, he promised me an engagement no later than Christmas of this year. I was to stay home until then and move out there to be with him in January.

In any case, about a month after he started school, I called him one night and was particularly upset because I was missing him so much and questioning his commitment to our relationship. Since he got my hopes up this summer, I was scared he would do it again, and I told him that. To make a long story short, he blew up at me and ended our relationship on the spot. I got an email from him two days later telling me to move on because he couldn't stand the "pressure" anymore. I called him a couple of times since then, but he didn't want to work it out. To make matters worse, I had already bought a plane ticket...at HIS request...to go see him for Thanksgiving and he told me not to come. I couldn't get my money back from the airline because of the effects of Sept. 11 and he told me it was "my loss."

I am heartbroken and devastated. Nothing could have prepared me for this because it was so unexpected. I know what dental school is like and I knew what I was getting myself into (I'm planning to go to medical school myself). Not only that, but he did give me an engagement ring this summer before he left, promising me that everything was going to work out. It wasn't an "offical" engagement though, so we didn't make it out to be that way.

I guess I'm trying to ask you guys for some insight. Did any of you go through similar situations? What do I do and where do I go from here? I love this man very much. Not only have we been a couple for over two years, but we've known each other since we were both 10 years old! He'll be coming home for the holidays in two weeks, but I'm not even sure if he'll contact me (it's been 5 weeks since we last talked, and that didn't go well at all). Any advice, suggestions, words of encouragement would be so appreciated. Thanks a bunch.
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Move on. The BOY isn't worth it. You now have some insight into how devoted he is to you. No matter how demanding dental school is, if he really cared it is no excuse for breaking an engagement or ending a relationship. Look for a MAN worthy of you. If you pursue him, there will only be more heartbreak down the line.
 
I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I love my husband, but I feel totally ok in saying that sometimes guys are jerks. I know that doesn't really help (unless accompanied by some chocolate fudge brownie ice cream or bourbon).

It takes a certain degree of maturity to handle stressfull situations and I think under stressfull situations in Websters dictionary it says 'long distance relationship first year of a taxing academic program'. I guess I will find out first hand next year. I am moving to Pheonix for medical school and my husband is staying in New Orleans.

So take care of yourself and try to mend your broken heart. Once he settles down he may start begging for forgiveness, and if he doesn't...well then what do you care...you will already be over him anyway!
 
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Im going through a similar situation. My fiance lives about 325 miles from me - Im in my 1st year of medical school. Long distance *IS* hard. Communication skills have to be excellent. And its hard to have good communications skills when you're stressed out of your mind. HOWEVER, I dont think that that necessarily excuses this boy. He started backing out of things before he ever went to school - and it sounds like a classic case of "I just realized what I said, oh crap, Im not ready for this - Ill just stall and not talk to her about my feelings". No matter what, this generally isnt a good sign. He isnt ready for the committment level that comes with engagement and marriage. If you still love him as much as you say you do, wait. Dont fling yourself at him - let him make the first move. If he doesnt make it, he isnt worth it (hard words, I know, but...) If he DOES make it, have a heart-to-heart about the situation and why he acted the way he did and how it made both of you feel. Dont just forgive him and let him think its ok - that just sets an icky precedent - "yes, honey, Ill let you walk all over me and my feelings". I hope that this works out in a way thats best for everyone.

good luck,
Star
 
Although I don't have personal experience with this, I do know people who had similar things happen when they started undergrad (ie coming from high school "relationships" and going thousands of miles away to college). It's something that happens and in the end, you will be better off without the guy. He obviously had different ideas about your relationship and future than you did - so much the better that he FINALLY made that painfully obvious! Just be really, really glad that you didn't get married to him before he acted this way! Good luck!

Jennifer
 
jules,

I am so sorry you are going through this! Actually, I could excuse him saying this the first time under pressure; however, you mentioned that he did this on several occasions after this. The "my loss" comment sealed it for me though. If he wanted you to come and then for whatever reasons, you did not go on the flight to see him, I believe he should have said something more mature than "my loss"... I don't think that is a stressed-out comment, that was plain uncalled for & insensitive. I say you focus your attention on your aspirations of going to medical school and focus on your dreams & priorities.

Personally, I wouldn't contact him & would ignore phone calls if he did 'decide' to call. Don't let him have his way and walk all over you! Stand up and be strong & courageous. No one deserves to be treated like that no matter how stressed they are. No more kissing butt!!! You're better off without him. You can do better! Childhood friends is okay, but to be marital partners when it's 'my loss'.... just forget it!!!

Christy
 
My sincerest feeling go out to you-- one can never anticipate something like this and it is unfortunate that everything feel apart the way it did. I do agree with the general feel of the responses that this guy isn't quite all there as far as the relationship thing goes. It is super easy to be the ideal boyfriend in happy moments, but it is when things get hard and the guy/person shines that you really know you have a winner. To me, it sounds like anything would have blown this guy up eventually, whether it's school, mortgage, kids-- any stress that may come from a difficult/unexpected change. It is fortunate that this happened now, my bro is going through a very distracting divorce after about 7 months in PA school-- 7 stinking months!! But it was the same with them, school served as the breaking point when anything remotely difficult would have created the same response. As much as i hate to say this, i would take what happened here as a type-and-shadow of what is to come. Guy's, and i am one, tend to do nothing that makes sense :) they also tend to be very... repetitive, i guess,- the act in cycles- and things usually come out more than once-- in this guys case the inability to handle stress, responsibility, and a relationship at the same time. I wish you the best and in 10 years from now, you'll look back and everything will make sense.
 
I'm not a spouse etc. so I don't know if I count on this one, but......
I feel for ya.....I really do...but now move on! This dude was just stringing you along, or maybe he was sincere and now isn't. Despite what many say...absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. Besides if you are going to go into med school you won't need the head games hes pulling.
 
The Falconer!!!

You count, Falconer!!! And I agree with what you have written!

Christy
 
yeah, the message is get shut of him. People change in different circumstances. You will be stronger, and look back in amazement, in ten years time, at how upset you got. No help right now, but you seem more sussed out than I was when I got dumped. I'm blissful with partner and child, so don't think it's theendoftheworld!
 
LIFE IS LIKE A CAMERA
FACE IT WITH SMILE (say "Cheese"!!) :)
 
Okay, I cannot believe no one has recommended this. SELL HIS FRIGGIN' RING AND HE CAN COUNT IT AS HIS LOSS. That should cover the cost of the plane ticket. Bingo.
 
Based on the original post regarding this breakup, I can't believe people (inadvertently or not) are buying into idea that this was stress related. From my point of view, it had nothing to do with Dental school, just the boyfriend refusing to admit to his real feelings regarding the relationship. Instead, he felt justified in finding an excuse and, even worse, trying to make (and succeeding in making) his girlfriend feel that it was somehow her fault. How excessively immature and cruel!
Uncjules, I know you have most likely heard this before, but take it to heart: you are better off. If he was willing to string you along and end the relationship over the phone with that much animosity, instead of simply admitting what he was feeling months before, he is certainly not emotionally mature (or honest) enough to be a part of a marriage. Thank fate, or God, or whatever, but be thankful!
My mom remembers the guy she dated when I was a toddler. He gave her a ring, but his (rich) parents were pissed that he would "throw his life away" with a young single mother. They offered him a boat to break it off with her, which he did. My mother was devastated of course, but now, decades later, we actually drink a toast to that guy's small-minded father...at every college graduation or job promotion. She and I wouldn't have had such full, educated and happy lives if it hadn't been for that awful bribe.

Oh, and the only thing she regrets is throwing the ring in the lake instead of selling it and keeping the money.
Just be glad he didn't wait to do this until you had moved out to be with him. The plane ticket is cheap compared to what it could have cost you.

Be strong, be a doctor, and don't look back.
 
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1.)You were in a relationship with him for 2 years. That was nice. Now just think about your next 2 years and what that can bring for you. Prepare yourself for a good experience and you should be fine.

2.)Dental school from what I hear can be very stressful and that may be the trigger of his change of heart. That is up for you to decide though no one in this forum can. But if you find that you do not agree with this idea go with # 1 stated above.
 
Prepare yourself for a good experience and you should be fine.••

My advise to "prepare yourself for a good experience" is to fundamentally re-evaluate how you are going about oppositte sex relationships. Consider the following:

Bottom Line One: Don't become "a couple" with anyone till you have the ring on your finger and have together said "I do." There are ways to build a relationship, socially first, and emotionally and structurally secondly and progressively, without exposing yourself to heartbreak by premature self-investment and involvement, whatever its type.

Bottom Line Two: The level at which you are "a couple" with someone--the level of self-investment and involvement you have with them--should be at the very same level of commitment a person has formally and publically made to you, nothing more. Sort of like an algabraic equation. When one invests emotionally, structurally, and sexually in a relationship beyond the level of formal and public commitment that makes it safe and formal, they are begging for a broken heart.

Call this advise "heartbreak prevention," if you will. In following it, there is a safety and protection that simply cannot be found in any other way.

Should you choose to re-evaluate how to go about oppositte sex realtionships, and as you presently heal, these might be very helpful to you:

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0842310312/ref=pd_sim_books/002-0053901-5508868" target="_blank">Givers Takers and Other Kinds of Lovers by Josh McDowell</a>

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0842358455/qid=1008111292/sr=1-22/ref=sr_1_11_22/002-0053901-5508868" target="_blank">The Secret of Loving by Josh McDowell</a>

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809615975/qid=1008111596/sr=1-13/ref=sr_1_11_13/002-0053901-5508868" target="_blank">Why Wait Till Marriage? by Evelyn Duvall</a>
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I want to thank everyone who posted here to my message. I appreciate your kind words and helpful insights. To the person who sent me a private message, thank you for that. I was going to reply to you, but couldn't figure out how to.

Although I'm still devastated beyond belief, I'm beginning to understand that I didn't do anything wrong. Looking back on the last few months of our relationship, I realize that he was the one with the problem. His constant empty promises and unwillingness to communicate showed that he was just too immature to handle a real adult relationship. He always made me out to be the bad guy and seemed to think that I had no right to be upset about those things. I'm just sorry that I invested so much into our relationship to get treated like this in the end. I also wish that when he did this to me last year (he did do the same thing to me a year ago, and after a week of trying to convince him that our relationship was worth fighting for, he came back), I had just left it alone.

I hope that I will get through this eventually and begin to have hope that there IS something better for me out there. Right now though, I feel very betrayed and alone. Thanks again for your responses.
 
Originally posted by dustinspeer:
•SELL HIS FRIGGIN' RING AND HE CAN COUNT IT AS HIS LOSS.•••

I was just getting ready to say find the nearest Pawn shop and get your money's worth out of that ring. :)
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As a general rule, I am honest...frequently, brutally honest. One thing I have learned in my life is that the most essential & fundamentally critical elements of any succeesful relationship are: TRUST, COMMUNICATION and MUTUAL RESPECT. Only you can know whether your relationship possessed all of these and the answer to the following questions...did you guys have all three? And, did you both earnestly work hard to sustain them? You see, relationships are far more than falling in love. It requires a high-level of personal commitment, hard work &lt;at times&gt; and adroitness in the art of compromise.

Any rigorous professional program will tax your relationship heavily. After surviving 3.5 years of medical school and still happily married to my soulmate, I have learned that rigorous programs, like medical & dental school, do NOT create problems in relationships. But, they tend to exploit the hell out of problems that already exist, even ones that were "subclinical" prior to starting school. My wife and I have identified more than one problem, and addressed it, that we did not realize existed before medical school.

Another thing...problems in a relationship almost always involve some modicum of responsibility from all parties. By indentifying your role, accepting responsibility for it and learning from any missteps...you will be equipping yourself for much greater success when you are ready to try again.

So, my advice to you...don't waste your own valuable time and energy trying assign blame or accepting all of the blame. Try to view this for what it is...it is a lesson in life. Do some serious introspection and try to honestly define both your and his roll in this situation -- and then learn and grow as a person from it. I seriously doubt that either of the two of you are fundamentally bad people. Most likely, you are two wonderful folks whose relationship just didn't work out as planned. It would be a shame for you to allow this unforeseen ending to taint you with bitterness. Such a stain might just end up being the seed that damages your relationships in the future.

I apologize if I sound as though I am lecturing you. However, I had to learn these lessons the hard way when my first marriage collapsed. Believe me, if you learn even just a little bit vicariously, it'll save you a great deal of pain & anguish.
 
Jules,

Your man in dental is getting it on with some other girls! I'm surprised that no one has really mentioned this, but ever since he left for school all this cold shoulder thing got worse, right? As a guy and a future dentist, I can tell you that dental and medical schools are amazing places to meet that someone special or that someone to flirt with! You're doing the same thing with the same group of people day in and day out, you tend to get pretty close! Like everyone else stated, give him space/ignore him, he'll crawl back to ya when he runs out of victims at his dental school and then you'll have the upper hand on deciding whether or not you want him back! I know this is difficult for you, but I admit, some of us man are "DOGS" and we forget what we have especially when we are 1000s of miles away from home and at a new city and setting!! Since this reply is rather late to your original post, maybe you two have already worked things out! At any rate, I wish you the best in healing that broken heart. :p
 
Try to date a Cardio-Thoracic surgeon.
He could fix your Broken heart.

Unfortunately,I'm not a cardio-thoracic surgeon :D
 
What a stinker - using stress as an excuse it all sounds just a wee bit suss for me - Im thinking that he probably wanted out and didnt have the skills to do it honestly and openly - sorry chick. However I have asked santa (in the hopes that he does after hours deliveries) for a real man this year and not a line up of insufficient anally retentive jerks. :D
 
Anyone who thinks they can count on a young hormone saturated male to maintain his end of a long term long distance monogamous commitment is living a romantic dream rather than a real life.

I have to edit my comment to note that Stephen Ewen's advocacy of a formal public commitment can often result in the exception.
 
Just remember exactly what you stated ...It's not your fault. I am currently trying to cope with an ending relationship and I know it's so easy to say I should have done this...I should not have done that....but the bottom line is you never did anything to hurt him...and it's not your fault things turned out this way. It's hard when you are so committed and the person you love loses that unconditional love. But no matter what just remember that you cared for him and you wanted it to end up right in the end. Whatever his reasons were, you have done all you can for this man....
I sincerely hope that your future is happy..you will eventually find someone who will never stop appreciating you (and when you do let me know where you found him!! :)
 
ok... being a true drama queen as my friends say

"NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE WHO IS WILL NEVER HURT YOU"

i think that is the correct quote..i know it isn't true for every case but it sure does sound true for this one, and if you think he is the only one for you and no one else better will come along..just think about the people you liked before him....
;)
 
Originally posted by neeky:
•
"NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE WHO IS WILL NEVER HURT YOU"
•••


Neeky, thanks so much for posting this... I am a huge quote collecter and love my quotes, poems, and stories... I Love this One!!! Thanks so much and it is soooo true!!!!

Christy
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Hey

Cheer up. You'll find someone better. This jerk isn't worth your time.

MMMMMMMMMMMM I have a quote that my friend told me, it's similar to the ones above kinda:

"No man is worth crying over, and if you do find one that is, he won't make you cry"

-Lec :D
 
Originally posted by groundhog:
•.
I have to edit my comment to note that Stephen Ewen's advocacy of a formal public commitment can often result in the exception.•••

If I read this right, that is just the point. The man who will not puiblically commit himself has EXCEPTED, has disqualified himself from having the girl. He has not met the standard, passed the test, been approved. He ain't worth it and is fit to be sidestepped in favor of another man who will qualify himself by public commitment.
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