Honesty the best policy?

[wildfin]

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Hello all --
First post.

My sig. other is a 1st yr. med res, and I am in my 1st year of grad school.
He's looking to do anesthesia, so about 3 more years after the completion of this one. I'll graduate in May, take a year, and then hit up for a JD.

Last night, we talked about how when I see him, he's very irritable and moody. If not that, he's sleepy -- he'll fall asleep when we're spending time together. I know how hard it is for him, but sometimes, it just really hurts my feelings because I feel unimportant.
I also haven't felt like he's been emotionally affectionate - which is largely in part due to the aforementioned. It's hard to be there when you're exhausted.

He did tell me, however, that it won't always be like this: apparently, things get easier (?) as he progresses in his residency.
I want to believe him. I know that I am a major priority in his life, and that he wants to eventually go towards a future together.

We're "older" (25 & 30), and have been together for over a year.

Advice??

 

[xanthines]

Just hang in there. The first year's the hardest. When he gets to his residency, I expect the hours to be much more palatable. I'm not sure what you're really asking with the subject of your post, but in general I do believe that honesty is the best policy. Another is to be open to each other, as in try not to let things fester too much.

I don't expect you'll have too much free time your first year out of law school either!

 

[teddybear]

Sounds to me like you guys are going to be married to your jobs. Not trying to be discouraging, just realistic. I'm one of those who is skeptical that someone can "have it all." You might have to make a decision as to what is really important in your life.

 

[Brodie919]

I am the husband of a MS IV and things to get easier, but it is all relative. They are easier then they are now, but then come externships and then residency is 4 years of 80 hours a week. I would suggest that you both find a way to communicate effectivly, so that both know what the expectaions and needs are of each other. it took us a year to figure it out, but I feel like we are ready for anything now. Take a date night, set aside some time after he gets home to decompress and talk about the day, whatever. My wife needs a nap before she is worth anything after she gets home, and then she can eat a quick dinner before hitting the books again. He needs to know how important things are to you, and he needs to respect that and work at it, or this is going to be a tough road. Take it where you can get it, things are never going to be the same from now on. Not bad, just not the same. Learn how to communicate really well, really fast. THat is what saved us. Good luck! Also, hit up these forums for support. Also International medical spouse network is awesome!

 

[smq123]

My sig. other is a 1st yr. med res, and I am in my 1st year of grad school.
He's looking to do anesthesia, so about 3 more years after the completion of this one. I'll graduate in May, take a year, and then hit up for a JD.

Last night, we talked about how when I see him, he's very irritable and moody. If not that, he's sleepy -- he'll fall asleep when we're spending time together. I know how hard it is for him, but sometimes, it just really hurts my feelings because I feel unimportant.
I also haven't felt like he's been emotionally affectionate - which is largely in part due to the aforementioned. It's hard to be there when you're exhausted.

He did tell me, however, that it won't always be like this: apparently, things get easier (?) as he progresses in his residency.

I gather from your post that you're not in medicine.

If your significant other is going to be an anesthesia resident, then he is currently doing his preliminary year right now, and then will start doing actual anesthesiology related stuff NEXT year. Also, based on your post, it sounds like he opted for a Preliminary Medicine year, and not a Transitional Year.

I would agree that life is likely to get MUCH easier for him next year. As a medicine prelim intern, he probably has to take call every 4th night, and is probably very busy - probably even working almost every single weekend. As an anesthesia resident next year, he will most likely not have call, will probably the majority of his weekends off, and will be working 12 hour days (much of which will be spent sitting in an OR and keeping a watchful eye over everything). I would agree, for most anesthesia residents, their intern year is very tough, but the 2nd year gets better.

Also - keep in mind that anesthesia is considered one of the traditionally "good-lifestyle-friendly" specialties. But your significant other hasn't reached that point yet. He will next year, though.

So there is hope! 🙂 Good luck.

You should also definitely scope out the anesthesia forums on SDN - maybe ask some of the anesthesiology residents. They can give you some insight into their daily schedules.

 

[kralwok]

It will get easier after his prelim year of medicine. That is by far the worst -- not only in terms of time but also in terms of putting him in a crappy mood. Intern year is rough, and when you are doing it in a field you don't want to pursue it is even rougher. Anesthesia will require a lot of time commitment, but not as much as medicine. He is probably looking at 60-65 hrs/week in anesthesia (really depends on the program) vs. 70-80 as an intern. Also, he will hopefully enjoy anesthesia much more and won't be doing such terrible work as intern year, which should put him in a better mood. As was said before, his weekends will be better. As an intern he likely had to work at least one day/weekend on most rotations. In anesthesia he may have to take call on 1-2 weekends/month but will have a considerable number of weekends completely off.

That being said, it is still a long road ahead. Residency is a huge commitment, and I would imagine it would be difficult to be in a relationship with a resident, particularly if you are not in the medical field (though I can't imagine law is going to be much better). My husband completed his internship last year and is doing anesthesia now while I am taking some time off. Basically he leaves at 5 something in the morning and gets home around 7-8pm, depending on whether or not he goes to the gym. He could get home earlier (6) if he didn't have to fight traffic. He is in a pretty rigorous program, and there are easier anesthesia programs out there. Our weekdays pretty much consist of eating dinner and watching tv. The weekends are better, though. Lots of time for fun and also for going on weekend trips.