How could this happen to me??

[WakeboardGirl88]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and have lived together for about 9 months. Our relationship has been pretty good for the most part. This past December I was graduating nursing school and was stressed about starting my new job. We had been arguing some during that month, mostly just because of stress. It continued into January quite a bit, but I never had a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't stay together. Our arguments were always petty and mostly because one of us were being stubborn. Things in February and March have been pretty good until now. My boyfriend was offered a position outside the match for residency which he told me was for a 3 year spot and he interviewed here for his internship year. Right now he is out of town on a rotation and today he called me and told me he got a "congrats" letter, so I was excited because we would for sure be here for another year. Then I ran across a letter saying congrats for all 4 years. I called him really upset and he did not know what to say. He accepted a 4 year spot and will be leaving this July, and didn't even tell me. He feels horrible now because things have been going well for us now and it was a great opportunity, so he made a rash decision to accept the position but did not know how to tell me. He was just going to act like he matched there and did not get the other internships he applied for. I am devestated. I can't believe he would do this to me! I have a contract at my job for around 2 years, so we knew we would spend some time apart, but not this long. He feels horrible that I found out, and know that it may have not been the best decision, but that he still shouldn't have lied. This breaks my heart, I feel so decieved and lied to. I feel empty that we have talked about marriage down the road when we both had money. Now I just don't know what to do. I just feel so much anger, but I love him so much. He says he does not want to break up, that is the last thing on his mind, but this opportunity was too good to pass up and he needs this time to study. I am just confused and don't know what to do....I love him, but this hurts so bad. Anyone have any advice, I am just not in the best of times right now. Thanks for listening.

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[f_w]

Unfortunately there are frequently few geographic choices when one decides on a residency. He made a decision based on his career plans, I wouldn't take it too personal.
Maybe time to have a conversation with him. I doubt his decision is related to the perceived state of your relationship.

> I have a contract at my job for around 2 years,

I think the times of bonded servitude are over. I assume you have one of these deals where a hospital gave you a forgivable loan for tuition in exchange for your committment to stay 2 years.
Wherever he goes for residency, they WILL have a hospital, possibly a couple of them. Most hospitals are looking for RN's on an ongoing basis. Go to the hospitals in the city he found his residency and negotiate with them. You might be able to get a loan in exchange for a 2 year committment. You could use that to buy yourself out of your current contract.

 

[lexdominus]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and have lived together for about 9 months. ..... I love him, but this hurts so bad. Anyone have any advice, I am just not in the best of times right now. Thanks for listening.

WakeboardGirl, patience is gold. My husband and I have lived in different cities for about 3 years since we got married. We met in school but dated for two years after I moved out of state. Our relationship (marriage) is great despite the distance although I must admit I got cranky sometimes. Both of us understand that we have careers and priorities and have decided to plan wisely about having a home together. It's not easy emotionally and psychologically, but if you think about you have a lifetime to share your life with your loved one, five years or ten years are pale in comparison. Be strong.

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

Thanks guys for your advice, it helps a lot. I don't really know how to react to all of this. I just feel so hurt that he was never even going to tell me, and that he was excited to do his internship here in dallas. If we were driving distance it wouldn't be that bad, but he is moving to baltimore. Arranging times to see each other will be difficult once he moves because I know how busy residency is. I guess I am just scared that I will not be as busy and will be sad while he is moving 90 miles an hour and doesn't even have time to stop and think about me. I know it can work if we work hard, I guess I just feel like that I can't trust him. If he lied to me now, how would I ever know if he lied to me again when he is half-way across the states? He just tells me it will be better for him to study because there won't be the distractions of him wanting to spend time with me like he does now when he is home. What I don't understand is how will we ever live together and be married, learning is a lifelong process for doctors. I don't want to interfere with his dreams, but I also have needs that have to be fulfilled. I am happy reading alongside just to make it easier on him. I don't know what else I can do...

 

[Lawyerlady]

Are you people for real? I'm sorry, but she should not just "understand that is how it goes" with residency, and pick up and move. First of all, he LIED to her. Honestly, if someone is going to lie to his significant other about major life choices, I really don't think he is to be trusted for the long haul. Second, that is not "just how it goes." He could have entered the regular process, and the two of them could have decided together what order to rank places that took both of them into consideration. The fact that he did not even consult her, and in fact lied to her, and was going to keep lying, is bad news. And no, it is not unavoidable.

Sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but this is one guy who is probably not worth hanging onto, unless he starts to value you, your relationship, your needs and wishes, and your career along with his own ego and selfish wants.

I would think seriously about moving on.

 

[alison_in_oh]

Are you people for real? I'm sorry, but she should not just "understand that is how it goes" with residency, and pick up and move. First of all, he LIED to her. Honestly, if someone is going to lie to his significant other about major life choices, I really don't think he is to be trusted for the long haul. Second, that is not "just how it goes." He could have entered the regular process, and the two of them could have decided together what order to rank places that took both of them into consideration. The fact that he did not even consult her, and in fact lied to her, and was going to keep lying, is bad news. And no, it is not unavoidable.

Yup.

Lies = relationship death knells. Lack of communication = nothing to build a long-term commitment on.

 

[nachoDoc]

Thanks guys for your advice, it helps a lot. I don't really know how to react to all of this. I just feel so hurt that he was never even going to tell me, and that he was excited to do his internship here in dallas. If we were driving distance it wouldn't be that bad, but he is moving to baltimore. Arranging times to see each other will be difficult once he moves because I know how busy residency is. I guess I am just scared that I will not be as busy and will be sad while he is moving 90 miles an hour and doesn't even have time to stop and think about me. I know it can work if we work hard, I guess I just feel like that I can't trust him. If he lied to me now, how would I ever know if he lied to me again when he is half-way across the states? He just tells me it will be better for him to study because there won't be the distractions of him wanting to spend time with me like he does now when he is home. What I don't understand is how will we ever live together and be married, learning is a lifelong process for doctors. I don't want to interfere with his dreams, but I also have needs that have to be fulfilled. I am happy reading alongside just to make it easier on him. I don't know what else I can do...

Move on. Live your life and take things as they come. If you are not his number one priority now, it will never, ever change. A solid relationship is based on honesty, open communication and compromise. One of three won't cut it, you'll need all three for a solid foundation.

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

Thanks everyone. I guess I have a lot on my plate to deal with. My friends and parents are in complete shock. He has always been the kindest, sweetest person from the first day I met him. I think that is what has made this so rough- I have been lied to in the past with other boyfriends, but never something like this, and especially from him. If you met him you would know what I (as well as our close friends) mean. Well, he has really been feeling the guilt trip set in, he knows how bad now that he hurt me. I had 18 beautiful roses on my doorstep today, and he is leaving his rotation tommorrow for an early weekend to talk about everything. This just sucks!!

 

[nachoDoc]

Thanks everyone. I guess I have a lot on my plate to deal with. My friends and parents are in complete shock. He has always been the kindest, sweetest person from the first day I met him. I think that is what has made this so rough- I have been lied to in the past with other boyfriends, but never something like this, and especially from him. If you met him you would know what I (as well as our close friends) mean. Well, he has really been feeling the guilt trip set in, he knows how bad now that he hurt me. I had 18 beautiful roses on my doorstep today, and he is leaving his rotation tommorrow for an early weekend to talk about everything. This just sucks!!

But if nothing changes - nothing changes. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If he's honest with you he'll ask you what you want him to do. If it's to say "I'm sorry but" or "Let's give it a try and see..." then you know where you stand.
Yes it's an aweful lot on your plate but this is what is really important for you and your future. Good luck.

 

[Peeshee]

Hello,
that sounds like a difficult situation, but he has made his choice and if you do DECIDE to be with him,then you will have to deal with the distance issue. It is not an easy thing at all. He probably did not want you to know about the 4 yr. thing because he knew it would hurt you. But, from what you said, it does seem like he still wants to be with you. Have you guys talked about how to work out the distance issue? Has he asked you to move to where he will be going? Would he like you to be in the same place? I personally do not think you should just quit your job, break the contract and move JUST to be with him.....but if you do find a great job in that city and like it there, then, do it for that reason. Just never sacrifice your own goals for his, bec. even though you have talked about marriage, there still is no real commitment until it actually happens or you become engaged. You will regret it in the end if you move to where he is going and then you guys end up breaking up.
Hope you are doing all right!

 

[Aero047]

As other members have stated earlier, your boyfriend lied to you about the residency that he got. But if you're willing to push that aside and focus on being with him, more power to you. But I advise against losing sight of the facts because of your feelings towards him. He wasn't even thinking about you when he made the decision to accept the 4-YEAR residency, knowing that you already have a 2-year job contract with your current employer. Do you think that he expects you to sacrifice your own career just to follow him around and mold your life around him? I'm sorry if I'm being too cynical, but the thing that I've noticed is that some guys take advantage of their gfs who are willing to drop everything and be with them. Be your OWN person. Set a lifestyle for yourself that includes him, but does not revolve around him. This move is going to affect you emotionally, financially, and professionally. BUT...(Don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic myself), if you really BELIEVE in your heart he's the one for you, then consider the moving part and explain your feelings of him not telling you the truth about the residency move.

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

Thanks guys for all of the advice. Well, we talked a lot this weekend about everything. I understand his intentions a little more now. He loves living with me, and that is the main problem- he loves it so much he doesn't get his work done. It is far to easy to come lay around on the couch with me and cuddle than it is to lock himself up in the room with his books. I know the situation I put him in by needing so much of his time will eventually take a toll on his profession if he does not start studying more. That is the last think I want. He says he did not intend for this to be a lie, but it has just gotten to become a big black hole he did not know how to get out of at this time. He love me so much and is so afraid to hurt me, but that he had to do this for his career, for us in the future. He knows though that he should have never lied, he just thought I couldn't handle it at the time (I was taking my board exam). We love each other very much, and want to start a family together, just not right now. I am going to continue my contract because I need this for my career. We are going to stay together and just take each day as it comes. We plan to try to fly to see each other once a month. Time will tell, if it is meant to be, than it will be. He says if it is just too difficult for us though, then we will pay the money to break the contract in worst case scenario, but for now we are just going to try and rough it out. If a year and a half of being apart means better opportunities for our future in the long run, then that is what we will have to do. It will take some adjusting since we have lived together for a while, but I will just have to find things that make me happy while he is gone, start new hobbies that I have wanted to do. Thanks everyone for listening, it has really helped.

 

[Aero047]

Thanks guys for all of the advice. Well, we talked a lot this weekend about everything. I understand his intentions a little more now. He loves living with me, and that is the main problem- he loves it so much he doesn't get his work done. It is far to easy to come lay around on the couch with me and cuddle than it is to lock himself up in the room with his books. I know the situation I put him in by needing so much of his time will eventually take a toll on his profession if he does not start studying more. That is the last think I want. He says he did not intend for this to be a lie, but it has just gotten to become a big black hole he did not know how to get out of at this time. He love me so much and is so afraid to hurt me, but that he had to do this for his career, for us in the future. He knows though that he should have never lied, he just thought I couldn't handle it at the time (I was taking my board exam). We love each other very much, and want to start a family together, just not right now. I am going to continue my contract because I need this for my career. We are going to stay together and just take each day as it comes. We plan to try to fly to see each other once a month. Time will tell, if it is meant to be, than it will be. He says if it is just too difficult for us though, then we will pay the money to break the contract in worst case scenario, but for now we are just going to try and rough it out. If a year and a half of being apart means better opportunities for our future in the long run, then that is what we will have to do. It will take some adjusting since we have lived together for a while, but I will just have to find things that make me happy while he is gone, start new hobbies that I have wanted to do. Thanks everyone for listening, it has really helped.

Good luck to the both of you

 

[LADoc00]

Are you people for real? I'm sorry, but she should not just "understand that is how it goes" with residency, and pick up and move. First of all, he LIED to her. Honestly, if someone is going to lie to his significant other about major life choices, I really don't think he is to be trusted for the long haul. Second, that is not "just how it goes." He could have entered the regular process, and the two of them could have decided together what order to rank places that took both of them into consideration. The fact that he did not even consult her, and in fact lied to her, and was going to keep lying, is bad news. And no, it is not unavoidable.

Sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but this is one guy who is probably not worth hanging onto, unless he starts to value you, your relationship, your needs and wishes, and your career along with his own ego and selfish wants.

I would think seriously about moving on.

My 2 cents, I hate lawyers.

 

[community]

So what is happening now? Is everything settled regarding this situation?