How do pre-meds maintain a relationship with their bf/gf when moving to med school+residency?

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streampaw

streampaw

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And their bf/gf cant move with them because of career (if they already have a career in that state, and cant move to another state because of it, such as lawyers etc)?

Thats like, 8 years apart. Med school+residency, assuming that the pre med wants to do a really competitive specialty such as derm or rad onc, and they have to apply everwhere in the country in hopes of just getting a few interviews and gettig in somewhere. Its all random and most likely the pre med and their bf/gf will be apart for like 8 years. How do people handle an 8 year long distance relationship, assuming that breaking up is absolutely not an option at all?
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This may be an unpopular opinion but do yourself the favor and break up instead of doing an LDR. You don't want the liability of possible emotional trauma (cheating, etc) while in medical school. Additionally, it will just limit your options in your immediate environment. There is no such thing as "the one", but rather just people you are highly compatible with. Be mature and realize you'll meet other people later on as well.
 
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First of all, saying its completely random is probably too strong. I have been in a long-term relationship throughout undergrad, including a couple of long-distance years that went just fine. I have also had multiple friends succesfully pull off long distance relationships without much of a problem, but generally had a 1-2 year limit on the distance. If you want to make it work, you definitely can, just takes some effort.. which might mean one or the other making a sacrifice to accept a lower paying job/less prestigious school or residency to do so.
 
You could do the summer between first and second year near your significant other. And do your elective rotations away at a hospital near your significant other. And if the relationship is still going strong only apply to residency programs near your significant other. Do research/fellowship and reapply if you don't get a residency near your SO initially. It all depends on how strong the relationship is going into the LDR.

Some people can probably make it work. But it will be insanely hard as you will be studying all the time and they will be doing what they do many miles away. You will have to work equally hard not to drift away from this person. The relationship has to be a priority for an LDR to work.


** I don't see an LDR working if the distance lasts through med school AND residency.
 
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If breaking up is not an option than someone has to give up their career in that situation. Plain and simple.
 
Relationships require compromise. If you can't compromise by going to a school near your SO and he/she can't compromise by getting a job near your school, your only options left are both compromising by ending things, or trying an LDR* keeping in mind that almost certainly will do you more harm than good during school, and won't last anyway. There are people that will come in with anecdotes about their LDR that was perfect, some even that lasted more than a year, but if you're seriously considering 8 years apart you have to realize the chances are microscopic that it will last. Better to call it off now and not waste those years with someone you won't end up with anyway (especially if either of you wants children)

For me and my partner, we've decided together what locations we'd be happy living in for the next few years, and we'll move together to the place he gets in that we decide together will be the best for all of us. But it's easier for us because I don't have an established career, and the things I do can be done anywhere. I have a friend going through a similar thing right now because she and her partner are both very career oriented, but she is very limited in where she will be able to find work, while he is limited in where he is willing to live. It's just hard when you're trying to have it all.

*Or a short answer to your question: they don't.
 
But, is 8 years long distance doable, if neither person wants to give up their career, but breaking up is absolutely not an option?
 
Also, what if those two people get married in the process of being in a LDR?
 
streampaw said:
Also, what if those two people get married in the process of being in a LDR?
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I think it is only important to live together when married if you intend to stay married. Marriages require a lot of work and compromise. It's hard to learn and grow together like you are supposed to when you aren't even in the same zipcode.

I am getting married soon and we have both had to make sacrifices so we are able to be together as much as we can. For my part I am choosing to do more elective rotations closer to home. She is also making sacrifices in her work and school. The most important thing to both of us is that we don't prioritize other things over the commitment we have made to each other.
 
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I'd venture a guess that the vast majority of relationships that survive med school are the ones where either the student stayed local for school, or the partner moved with the student.

How long have you been in this relationship? Do you live together now? Why are you both more willing to sacrifice the health of your relationship than your careers? (not actually saying this as an attack on you, but it's not a good sign for the relationship)

Your relationship has to be 100% solid if there's to be any chance that a long-distance relationship will work.

If breaking up really isn't an option, I suggest go to OHSU. It's a good school. You can figure out residency 4 years from now. Maybe he/she can take the bar in the state where you get your residency, since you stayed local for med school (compromise!)
 
streampaw said:
But, is 8 years long distance doable, if neither person wants to give up their career, but breaking up is absolutely not an option?
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You'll never know until you've tried. People do it all the time successfully.

I'm assuming you'll at least be in the same country; There are tons of LDR, marriages and families which survive quite well apart internationally.

If you're both fairly independent people who are OK seeing each other in person occasionally for visits and doing the FaceTime/Skype thing, then you can make it work.

The world is a much smaller place now and the technology available to keep in touch is phenomenally better.

If you and your significant other want to give it a go, why the hell not?
 
If two people have careers where being at certain place is vital then the relationship will suffer and most likely will not survive. Otherwise you just compromise and take relationship factor into account while planning your path.
 
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I have been with my bf for over 8 years now- I am in my fourth year of med school over 1000 miles away from where my bf goes to law school. He could have come to school here, however the school he is at now is significantly better and half the price, and I told him I would kill him if he even considered giving that up to come to school closer to me. We have made it work; we are both busy as hell and only see each other for about 1 weekend/month. I think a lot of why we are able to pull it off has to do with our personalities; we are both independent and not remotely clingy. I can't give you advice on how to make it work, but I can tell you that it can be done.
 
I was in a long-distance relationship prior to med school (started dating in high school) that I ended senior year of college because it became evident that we would be long-distance forever. That wasn't something I was willing to deal with, but others might. It ultimately comes down to what you're willing to deal with and what you aren't.

I don't want to be totally pessimistic, but I can count on one hand the number of long-distance relationships in my med school class that have survived since starting med school (and initially there were many). Statistics don't apply to individuals, but the reality is that you have to really, really want to be in a relationship to even do the whole long-distance thing, and the stress of medical school, plus whatever stresses might be on your significant other if he/she is continuing their education, makes it that much more difficult.
 
streampaw said:
But, is 8 years long distance doable, if neither person wants to give up their career, but breaking up is absolutely not an option?
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Not really. Coming from someone who did LDR for a year with a med student, that is taxing enough. 8 years is too long. Somebody has to adjust their career plans. Why are you moving so far away for med school? Do you have a state school? Why can't you come back home for residency? What is your s/o's career that is so inflexible? Is she about to make partner at a law firm?

These are annoying but relevant questions.
 
wait...I just noticed that you also did the debate team thread. You still have 3 years of college and 1-2 gap years? Why are you asking this question now if you aren't going to med school next year?
 
as1212559 said:
Not really. Coming from someone who did LDR for a year with a med student, that is taxing enough. 8 years is too long. Somebody has to adjust their career plans. Why are you moving so far away for med school? Do you have a state school? Why can't you come back home for residency? What is your s/o's career that is so inflexible? Is she about to make partner at a law firm?

These are annoying but relevant questions.
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I am planning on being a dermatologists, and those residencies are really hard to get into, where you have to apply to all residencies in the country in hopes of getting an acceptance. My boyfriend is in law school, and in order to move to another state, a lawyer has to take the bar for that other state, and it takes like a year to study for the bar of another state. So if we move 2x, then thats two years wasted on studying for different bar exams, instead of working.
 
rain4venus said:
wait...I just noticed that you also did the debate team thread. You still have 3 years of college and 1-2 gap years? Why are you asking this question now if you aren't going to med school next year?
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I just want to make sure I have it planned out ahead of time, and to see what options I have. I actually would have been a junior in college right now, but I found out more about how competitive med school admission is. I used to think that doing 6 months of clinical volunteering and no other ecs would be enough for med school. Got a reality check when I went on the internet, after 2 years of college. Gonna slow down, do my university honors requirements, ecs, and then apply to med school when i am most competitive.

And YES for all of you who are asking, OHSU is my top choice! However, I started college 2 years ago at age 15 (early start program, community college), and Ohsu wants older students with more experience. If I take 2 gap years, i will be 22 when I start med school. In case i dont get into ohsu, i want to have top schools as a back up option. I want to maximize my chances of getting into ohsu by being competitive enough for top schools. Like theres that one saying: aim for the moon, and at least youll land among the stars 🙂
 
Compromise is the big thing. I'm not looking for competitive specialties and my girlfriend and I would like to match into at least the same city. We got to different medical schools (12 hours driving distance) and we've been together for 4 years. Long distance isn't for everyone, but don't just give it up due to statistics. Also, looking for relationship advice on SDN is very risky.
 
I'd say it depends on the individuals in the relationship, but if neither of you end up in the same state in the end, life's going to be rough.
 
streampaw said:
I just want to make sure I have it planned out ahead of time, and to see what options I have. I actually would have been a junior in college right now, but I found out more about how competitive med school admission is. I used to think that doing 6 months of clinical volunteering and no other ecs would be enough for med school. Got a reality check when I went on the internet, after 2 years of college. Gonna slow down, do my university honors requirements, ecs, and then apply to med school when i am most competitive.

And YES for all of you who are asking, OHSU is my top choice! However, I started college 2 years ago at age 15 (early start program, community college), and Ohsu wants older students with more experience. If I take 2 gap years, i will be 22 when I start med school. In case i dont get into ohsu, i want to have top schools as a back up option. I want to maximize my chances of getting into ohsu by being competitive enough for top schools. Like theres that one saying: aim for the moon, and at least youll land among the stars 🙂
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So you're 17? This whole thread makes sense now. Stop focusing on your future with this significant other, and focus on yourself, growing up, and living your life. Maturity levels drastically change between ages 17-22, and your perspective on things will most likely (hopefully) change.
 
17 is when my current gf moved away to school while I was still in HS and I remember how stressful that was, stop stressing so far ahead of time, once you're a little older it won't seem like such a big deal. I think back and chuckle about how much I overanalyzed the situation now.
 
What about 13 years from now when you're finishing up your derm residency and can't find work in Oregon, or wherever your boyfriend ends up taking the bar?
What I've heard is that there are lots of jobs in dermatology in all the places no one wants to live.
 
Based on your apparent age... try enjoying life for a while.
 
Hmm I don't know yet.. And I am pretty much 18 right now (I turn 18 in a week). But, shouldn't derms have an easy time finding a job? I mean, they are doctors after all.
 
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as1212559 said:
Based on your apparent age... try enjoying life for a while.
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I am already "supposed" to be a junior in college, but I am taking an additional year to graduate, so right now I would be a sophomore. I want to maximize my chances of getting into OHSU, so I need to have a set amount of years to volunteer/do research/and other ec's for medical school. I want to make sure that when I am 21 and about to apply to med school, I have at least 3.5 years of EC's, so that I am competitive.
 
Mr Avante said:
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I don't get it. Please tell me what I am missing. I know you all are saying "enjoy life" right now, but I am going to take 2 years off after college anyway. I need to start with pre-med EC's right now, so that I can be the most competitive I can be for medical school. And I already decided to take an additional year at college to build up EC's. Plenty of people graduate high school early. I don't want to take 4 years off after I graduate college at 20, because I don't care about being the "average age" of a med school matriculant (24), I think 22 is just fine, as long as I can get 3.5+ years of EC's under my belt.
 
How long have you been dating someone in law school? And how old is he?

You're really lucky if you're correct at 17 about wanting to do medicine at all. The likelihood that you know what specialty you're going to pursue is slim. The fact that you don't understand or know why dermatologists might not have an "easy time finding a job" just proves that you shouldn't be making this the center of your plans right now.

Right now, make plans to get yourself into med school before you start focusing on goals that are so far off that you're going to be a different person when you get to them.
 
Think about how long ago it was when you were about to turn 5. Think about how much you've changed since you were 4 years old.

That's quite literally the amount of time you're talking about before you finish up your medical training. You can't imagine undergoing some serious changes between now and then?
 
rain4venus said:
Think about how long ago it was when you were about to turn 5. Think about how much you've changed since you were 4 years old.

That's quite literally the amount of time you're talking about before you finish up your medical training. You can't imagine undergoing some serious changes between now and then?
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To be fair, I've changed alot over the years, but I've still stuck with my parents.
 
streampaw said:
Hmm I don't know yet.. And I am pretty much 18 right now (I turn 18 in a week).
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Good god, I just gave relationship advice to a 17 y/o…. Last time I leave the anesthesia forum… [no offense, stream paw, just a little tongue-in-cheek]
 
streampaw said:
I don't get it.
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So let me spell it out for you:
  • Although you're technically in college and are a premed, your peer group and posts seem like they belong in hSDN.
  • Although you seem very intelligent and logical in your thinking, your outlook is naive at best and immature at worst. I do not intend this as a slight, it is just my observation.
  • You start a thread each time for every tangential worry or concern you have about the medical school application process.
In the next ten years, you will have perfectly and neatly planned out your life or you will find that things don't always go according to plan. For the vast majority of people, it's usually the latter. So just relax and do your best. I'll bet your plans may change drastically within just the next 3 - 5 years.

As for the board's comments about her fiance, it's all too common for people in her area to marry young and start families early, so you can't blame her for that.
 
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A law school student is dating a 17 year old?

I know it gets old hearing "wait til you're older" but seriously. You're pretty young to be making decisions about what will happen to your boyfriend when you're in your dream dermatology residency.

P.S. breaking up is ABSOLUTELY an option. Just because you don't want it to be, does not remove it from the table especially if neither of you will change your career trajectory at all.
 
Ok...I feel like I can speak from experience here (at least a little). DO NOT base your decisions on a boy. Believe me when I say this (and you will adamantly deny this , fact)-you do not know yourself right now. You have high hopes and aspirations, which is fantastic. Follow THOSE dreams. If he's serious enough about you, he will move to where you end up going to school. A year of study for a bar exam is nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness with the one you love...and if he doesn't see that, then it's not meant to be.

I, too, graduated high school early and went off to college. I got married right after I turned 18, and I didn't even remotely know myself as much as I thought I did. I gave up studying abroad, and essentially gave up schooling all together. I was divorced and had an awesome little toddler to take care of before I was 24. After that, I went back to school, graduated with my bachelors, took my prereqs post-bac, and am applying to medical school now. Looking back (and after teaching high school for a few years), I have yet to talk to someone years later who didn't realize the same thing. You have many years ahead of you. Enjoy the time you have with your boyfriend, and if you're still together when you start applying for schools, cross that bridge then. It seems like you have at least a couple years to figure it out!
 
Why dermatology? I get it that it's a lifestyle speciality, but it isn't the only one. Limiting yourself to just one specialty before knowing what exactly it involves doesn't sound like a good idea to me.
 
SunsFun said:
Why dermatology? I get it that it's a lifestyle speciality, but it isn't the only one. Limiting yourself to just one specialty before knowing what exactly it involves doesn't sound like a good idea to me.
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All the interviews I have gone on tell us that >90% of us will change our minds about what specialties we are interested in at least once in medical school. OP, understand that the chances of you, at 17, knowing what specialty you will go into is <<<1%. At your age, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice.....just sayin'
 
My advice was to just get married already! I love being married and it's made me sane throughout this application process.

Then I saw you were 17.
 
Jay K said:
Good god, I just gave relationship advice to a 17 y/o…. Last time I leave the anesthesia forum… [no offense, stream paw, just a little tongue-in-cheek]
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🙁
i'm pretty sure i lost the love of my life when i was 16
 
kyamh said:
All the interviews I have gone on tell us that >90% of us will change our minds about what specialties we are interested in at least once in medical school. OP, understand that the chances of you, at 17, knowing what specialty you will go into is <<<1%. At your age, I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice.....just sayin'
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The other day I met a 9 years old kid that wants to become a cardiovascular surgeon. That is sad...
 
I don't think it's fair to judge relationships based solely on age. People fight, divorce, cheat, drive drunk, commit crimes, change their minds on things, etc. into their 20s..30s..40s..50s... Sure a lot more immature relationships happen from the 15-20 year age backet, not everyone is overly immature.

On one hand, people disregard someone they truly like at a younger age (cause they believe they should be having one night stands basically). On another hand, people in their 30s can certainly just settle for someone or whoever they're dating, even though they're far from perfect, just so they're not alone in the future.

Largely though, people certainly change their mind from 18-25, but they also change their mind from 25 to 35.. to 45.. to 65. Otherwise, these stats would not exist:

http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/
 
AkGrown84 said:
Ok...I feel like I can speak from experience here (at least a little). DO NOT base your decisions on a boy. Believe me when I say this (and you will adamantly deny this , fact)-you do not know yourself right now. You have high hopes and aspirations, which is fantastic. Follow THOSE dreams. If he's serious enough about you, he will move to where you end up going to school. A year of study for a bar exam is nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness with the one you love...and if he doesn't see that, then it's not meant to be.
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I want to second this. I had a boyfriend I loved dearly through the last half of high school and through college. I was willing to move to a place I had never been before for him, because he had family there and didn't want to move. I had planned to marry him, have kids, the works. So I applied to schools there, and got rejected across the board. And then we broke up. Needless to say, it was a rough couple months, but I realized that I had to put myself first, and I changed remarkably in the two years after college before I finally started medical school. I look back and see how naive I was, however mature I thought I was at the time.

Your career is your own. If you give it up for a boy and things don't work out, it will haunt you. Be willing to make compromises--if your boyfriend isn't willing to make those compromises, then I promise there is someone out there better for you.

Trust us, you will change during your training. Hopefully for the better. Your priorities will be very different in 5-10 years. Do what you can to stay close to home, but recognize that you will make the best of things wherever you end up, and breaking up with your boyfriend may become the best thing to do.
 
Military people do this kind of thing all the time. My boyfriend is in the military and stationed overseas, we've been together 3 years. I go visit him as often as I can, and he comes home for holidays. Its easier given that we are both from the same hometown and both go home for christmas and holidays. If I'm on vacation I will go to visit him for a couple weeks and he will plan his trips home around my time off. We text each other every day and skype once a week. I think the biggest thing is trust, you have got to be able to trust each other or it will never work. He's trying to get stationed closer to our home state so we can see each other more often and I plan on staying in my home state for med school. Just like the military, for some couples it works, for others it doesn't. Its one of those things where it either works or it doesn't, you never know until you try. We are both really really busy with our own things too, so I think long distance works better for us. If we were together all the time than I probably wouldn't have done as well as I did in undergrad for the past 3 years. It was like as soon as our relationship became long distance my GPA went from 3.3 avg/semester to 4.0 avg/semester, no joke.
 
Bring her/him with you or it's curtains. You will not have the time to maintain a LDR in medical school.

My lady and I are going on 7 years, 4 of which we spent apart for college. I know for a fact that it would fall apart if she didn't come with me. I'm worried about being able to contribute enough to the relationship even with her living with me.
 
Pro tip: Go away to college. Make some friends. Drink. Play some video games. Get a couple B's. Stay up way too late. People will be much more likely to talk to you once you matriculate. If this doesn't work with your relationship, consider that you are 17 years old and dating a professional student..
 
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