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I think I messed everything up

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CardioThora

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I was motivated, extremely passionate, on a "this is my dream and it's the only thing I truly want" level. I obsessed over it. But when college came, depression hit in a sneaky way, and I messed up my first two semesters. Spring semester all C's, and one D (was supposed to be a B but the online portal never submitted my assignment and the professor didn't like me anyways so didn't care to help much.) And over the summer I only took one course that I ended up failing because I'm an idiot. I couldnt pay for the semester so when I received an email from the controllers office saying they were going to cancel my classes, I thought they meant the one I was taking, so I stopped going. Stupid misunderstanding on my part, they were talking about my fall registration...(but I hadn't even signed up for fall classes yet that's why I thought they meant my summer one.)

Either way, I ended up dropping out for the fall semester. I'm currently out of school and working. I hated college, because of how depressed it made me, I swore to myself I'd never go back, yet I still found myself passionate about medicine. Sad when my older sister tells me about what she has planned (she too is deciding to become a doctor), sad when I was hospitalized for two days and still realized how much I love hospitals, sad when I thought about how its probably too late, I wouldn't do good anyway, no medical school would want me with all my mess ups, and maybe I'm better off out of school.

I convinced myself during spring semester that maybe being a doctor "just wasn't for me" "didn't want that kind of lifestyle" "they never have time to enjoy themselves" but I'm starting to think i was simply convincing myself i didn't want it, so that it'd be easier to give up or leave school. My issue, I've come to realize both being in school, and even at my current sales job after dropping out, is that I dont believe in myself enough. I give up too easily, weak.

I guess what I'm asking is for your opinions, I enjoy constructive criticism, I also enjoy learning from other people's experiences. It's 6AM and ive been up all night thinking about whether going back to school would be a good idea?

Open to whatever you guys have to say, but please dont be too harsh clearly I beat myself up enough.
 

candbgirl

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Before you do that, you have to get your depression under control or nothing will change. College and med school will be there when you are healthy and ready to tackle them. Go slow, get a job(if you don't have one) and talk to a counselor or psychologist or someone that can help you sort out what's happening. Good luck.


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CyrilFiggis

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1) See professional help. You have some serious warning signs of depression and it's important to be not only physically but mentally and emotionally healthy.

2) Healthcare is a massive industry. Doctors aren't the only profession to pursue. If college isn't "right" for you, there are alternative paths to nursing, a tech position, etc. These aren't all or nothing scenarios.

3) If you do decide to pursue MD later, realize it's not too late either for your age or your past perceived transgressions. Med schools want thoughtful, mature candidates who have exhibited growth and maturity. There's no fault in admitting you weren't ready for college right now. Staying there and struggling through it would have been worse.

Stay positive and good luck.
 
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FootballFoot

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DO schools have grade replacement and they're generally easier to get into too.
 
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tessellations

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If you truly want to become a doctor, you're going to have to turn around your grades. It's certainly possible, but it will require a lot of hard work on your part.

You should only go back to school when you are ready and are in the right place to be successful. I think you need to figure out why college made you feel depressed and deal with that stat before going back because you will only be setting yourself up for failure if you do. I definitely recommend getting professional help if you can.

Remember that the process of getting into medical school is a marathon and not a sprint. It's ok to take your time. Don't feel like you have to rush through, especially since you've been struggling so much.

Also, consider other professions within the field of healthcare. If you're struggling with school, these may be less intensive options for you.
 
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ClosetCentrist

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Hey friend, I went through something similar my freshman year. I have ADHD, which was untreated when I started my freshman year at Cornell, and my classes absolutely destroyed me! I had no idea how to study (and couldn't if I wanted to), and figuring out what medications worked for me was super difficult. I lost weight, became super anti-social, etc. I had the same crisis of self-confidence that you did at the end of my first semester - how could I hope to get into medical school, let alone be a good doctor, if I can't even manage a 3.0?! Getting out of that hole was hard - real hard - but I managed to graduate with a 3.5, studied hard enough to really excel on my MCAT, and now I have 3 interviews lined up with some pretty good medical schools.

Mental illnesses are hard to deal with, especially as a new college student, since you're already dealing with so many other things that are equally stressful. You have a lot of time left in your life to figure out how to manage your depression in a way that still lets you be successful. Take your time to get to a point where you feel confident. Maybe take one or two classes at a local community college, ace them, and slowly build your confidence up. There are plenty of non-trads that get into medical school every year - you can be one of them.
 
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peridotthecat

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I agree wholeheartedly with everyone above--no matter what you want to end up doing, the first step is to seek professional help and get treatment for your depression. I wouldn't go back to school until you feel motivated and emotionally healthy. In the mean-time, continue to work and maybe do some shadow or volunteering if you feel up to it. If you can get a job as a scribe or something, that would end up giving you a leg up on apps eventually. No matter what, taking care of yourself should come first! Feel free to PM me for support if you'd like
 
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Lawpy

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I agree wholeheartedly with everyone above-

I also agree @wholeheartedly ;)

OP, there are two things to keep in mind.

1. @Goro furnace analogy: medical school is a furnace that breaks even healthy students

2. Uncontrolled depression is dangerous, and you should immediately see a psychiatrist to get it controlled

3. Bad initial academic performance can be salvaged in many ways but this should not be a current priority. Focus on controlling and managing your depression

Good luck!
 
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Princeton Medical Student

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In addition to what everyone above said, given how much grades depend on tests, and quizzes it's very important to get a sense for how you study best. For some it might take a bit to find the best methods, and if you do come back, I suggest reading the Anki megathread. If I were you, I would also try to shadow some docs and see if this is something that is worth pursuing, when perhaps you find it unenjoyable. It might give you a push into either direction.

Either way, you have a lot of chances to fix your grades, and you very well can apply D.O. and maybe even M.D. depending on how well you do, if you decide to go back to college. Best of luck.
 

Turkishking

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Professional help is required in this situation.
DO schools replace grades.
MD averages grades.
 

stickgirl390

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Keep in mind, becoming a doctor isn't just about practicing medicine. You not only need a passion for healthcare, you also need to have a strong passion for school. Being an academic is just as important to the role of physician and being a healthcare provider. As stated before, there are many paths to working in medicine. Maybe you just haven't found the right one yet. Good luck!
 

Pixiwoman

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I was motivated, extremely passionate, on a "this is my dream and it's the only thing I truly want" level. I obsessed over it. But when college came, depression hit in a sneaky way, and I messed up my first two semesters. Spring semester all C's, and one D (was supposed to be a B but the online portal never submitted my assignment and the professor didn't like me anyways so didn't care to help much.) And over the summer I only took one course that I ended up failing because I'm an idiot. I couldnt pay for the semester so when I received an email from the controllers office saying they were going to cancel my classes, I thought they meant the one I was taking, so I stopped going. Stupid misunderstanding on my part, they were talking about my fall registration...(but I hadn't even signed up for fall classes yet that's why I thought they meant my summer one.)

Either way, I ended up dropping out for the fall semester. I'm currently out of school and working. I hated college, because of how depressed it made me, I swore to myself I'd never go back, yet I still found myself passionate about medicine. Sad when my older sister tells me about what she has planned (she too is deciding to become a doctor), sad when I was hospitalized for two days and still realized how much I love hospitals, sad when I thought about how its probably too late, I wouldn't do good anyway, no medical school would want me with all my mess ups, and maybe I'm better off out of school.

I convinced myself during spring semester that maybe being a doctor "just wasn't for me" "didn't want that kind of lifestyle" "they never have time to enjoy themselves" but I'm starting to think i was simply convincing myself i didn't want it, so that it'd be easier to give up or leave school. My issue, I've come to realize both being in school, and even at my current sales job after dropping out, is that I dont believe in myself enough. I give up too easily, weak.

I guess what I'm asking is for your opinions, I enjoy constructive criticism, I also enjoy learning from other people's experiences. It's 6AM and ive been up all night thinking about whether going back to school would be a good idea?

Open to whatever you guys have to say, but please dont be too harsh clearly I beat myself up enough.
Sorry to hear that but remember, your mental health comes first, get better and then think about school, career, goals,etc
 

Paramagnetic

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the professor didn't like me anyways

In addition to getting those mental health problems fixed up, you've got a bit of maturing to do. Your perception of how your professor sees you is almost completely irrelevant to your performance in the class.
 
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dreamadream

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You sound like me....a year ago and worst. *Read my older posts*. I've been out of school for a whole year now because of getting bad grades, not being able to finance school, and lack of preparation. I'm on my third job this year trying to get my life together as far as school. I wanted to quit as well, I've felt like I'm behind other premeds my age, but medical school will always be there. Decided to commit to paying an old bill off from my college, get financial aid back, and attend school until I get my bachelors degree. My original class was 2018, but now it's 2020. Me graduting in 2020 is not too pleasing but as long as I graduate, I'll be okay. Trust me, medicine is for you...and me.
 
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