I'm almost done with first year and I feel miserable

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MartyrOfSanity

MartyrOfSanity

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Hello there,
So...I don't want to write an autobiography detailing my marvelous misadventures in Medical School (I have a feeling I'll end up doing just that...bear with me, please). I'll try to keep this as short and concise as possible. I just really need some advice about where to go from where I am now. And by advice I mean 'additional advice', since all I've gotten up till now (from "friends" and family) hasn't really helped me in any way...
Here it goes:
Basically, what happened was I screwed up my first year of Medical School. Like...really screwed up. It isn't that I don't like medicine (on the contrary, I LOVE it). I loved every single subject we took this year. Anatomy, Physiology, Histology, Biochemistry, everything! I would love going to the library and reading books, and at the beginning of the year all I wanted was to be among the top ten in my class. I used to study every day, and look up additional info to make sure I understood everything. I would study from textbooks when many people in my class would rely solely on the professor's lecture notes/slides (Many, not ALL. We have a lot of passionate people still...)

However, halfway through first semester I got sidetracked. Without going in too much detail, what happened was basically that:
1)I let the words of some pathetic people in our class get to me. I got depressed and stopped studying consistently. Those people spent most of their time making other students' lives miserable, being rude to professors and the occasional patient. Everything other than studying. They attacked anyone who so much as whispered 'I like medicine'
2)I became close friends with a person who didn't really like studying or like seeing others study. She kind of helped drag me away from studying, since she never wanted to. I started skipping lectures, spent all my time doing anything BUT studying... I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming myself for focusing on friendship more than my future...
3) I've always had low self-esteem and anxiety, but I SERIOUSLY started focusing on what people thought of me, my studying, and my life goals, rather than on my love for medicine. It got to the point where I let the words of every single person on my studying affect me. From the gunners right down to the failing students.

All this led to me getting average marks in first semester...I didn't fail anything. I got 81% in anatomy, 87% in Biochemistry, and 88% in community medicine (which were the classes we were examined on in first semester). Of course, the more passionate students who did not allow stupid things like the ones I mentioned above got much higher grades. I was now in the bottom half of my class...It made me even more miserable. My self esteem just...evaporated. I let words get to me more and more, and I started feeling really really stupid. I started questioning the reason I was in medical school to begin with. No one else had let negative thoughts and words get to them (Not the successful people anyway). Why did I let it happen to me?
I kind of woke up near the end of second semester (A month ago). It got to a point where I just screamed (What in God's Holy Name HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!) and I started studying like never before, if anything just to pass our classes at this point. I decided to start anew in second year by isolating myself, and focusing solely on my studying. My passion has returned, I look at my textbooks and just can't wait to get my hands on them again.
But there's still this feeling that just never seems to go away... A feeling that, had I really been worthy of Medical school, I wouldn't have let this happen to begin with. I should have known better...this isn't high school. And If the 'bullying group' in our batch didn't get that, I should have. It was incredibly silly of me to get so depressed over such stupid things. I keep getting this feeling I should drop out because there isn't a place for someone who made such a stupid mistake to continue something that required life-long dedication. Its just that...I love medicine more than anything. I can't imagine myself doing anything else...I used to love medical subjects every since I was in high school. We'd go to Kinokuniya and I'd scramble off to the medical textbook section after I'd be done buying novels.
Everyone's telling me I'll regret leaving medical school for the rest of my life because it's obviously something I'd be really good at if I actually put in the effort.

so SUMMARY:
Made a mistake, didn't study enough, didn't make good enough grades, feel stupid among several dedicated students, want to do a whole lot better in second year but afraid I'm too mushy to continue medical school. I'm afraid the above scenario will be repeated at some point and I'll end up losing everything... I'd rather stop now then waste another year of my life doing something I'm not cut out for.
1)I love medicine
2)I don't have trouble understanding anything. I JUST DIDN'T STUDY.

So...Advice? Useful experiences? Wishes for me to jump off the nearest cliff? Anything at this point...I'm desperate...
P.S: as you can tell, English isn't my first language...have...mercy...
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MartyrOfSanity said:
Hello there,
So...I don't want to write an autobiography detailing my marvelous misadventures in Medical School (I have a feeling I'll end up doing just that...bear with me, please). I'll try to keep this as short and concise as possible. I just really need some advice about where to go from where I am now. And by advice I mean 'additional advice', since all I've gotten up till now (from "friends" and family) hasn't really helped me in any way...
Here it goes:
Basically, what happened was I screwed up my first year of Medical School. Like...really screwed up. It isn't that I don't like medicine (on the contrary, I LOVE it). I loved every single subject we took this year. Anatomy, Physiology, Histology, Biochemistry, everything! I would love going to the library and reading books, and at the beginning of the year all I wanted was to be among the top ten in my class. I used to study every day, and look up additional info to make sure I understood everything. I would study from textbooks when many people in my class would rely solely on the professor's lecture notes/slides (Many, not ALL. We have a lot of passionate people still...)

However, halfway through first semester I got sidetracked. Without going in too much detail, what happened was basically that:
1)I let the words of some pathetic people in our class get to me. I got depressed and stopped studying consistently. Those people spent most of their time making other students' lives miserable, being rude to professors and the occasional patient. Everything other than studying. They attacked anyone who so much as whispered 'I like medicine'
2)I became close friends with a person who didn't really like studying or like seeing others study. She kind of helped drag me away from studying, since she never wanted to. I started skipping lectures, spent all my time doing anything BUT studying... I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming myself for focusing on friendship more than my future...
3) I've always had low self-esteem and anxiety, but I SERIOUSLY started focusing on what people thought of me, my studying, and my life goals, rather than on my love for medicine. It got to the point where I let the words of every single person on my studying affect me. From the gunners right down to the failing students.

All this led to me getting average marks in first semester...I didn't fail anything. I got 81% in anatomy, 87% in Biochemistry, and 88% in community medicine (which were the classes we were examined on in first semester). Of course, the more passionate students who did not allow stupid things like the ones I mentioned above got much higher grades. I was now in the bottom half of my class...It made me even more miserable. My self esteem just...evaporated. I let words get to me more and more, and I started feeling really really stupid. I started questioning the reason I was in medical school to begin with. No one else had let negative thoughts and words get to them (Not the successful people anyway). Why did I let it happen to me?
I kind of woke up near the end of second semester (A month ago). It got to a point where I just screamed (What in God's Holy Name HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!) and I started studying like never before, if anything just to pass our classes at this point. I decided to start anew in second year by isolating myself, and focusing solely on my studying. My passion has returned, I look at my textbooks and just can't wait to get my hands on them again.
But there's still this feeling that just never seems to go away... A feeling that, had I really been worthy of Medical school, I wouldn't have let this happen to begin with. I should have known better...this isn't high school. And If the 'bullying group' in our batch didn't get that, I should have. It was incredibly silly of me to get so depressed over such stupid things. I keep getting this feeling I should drop out because there isn't a place for someone who made such a stupid mistake to continue something that required life-long dedication. Its just that...I love medicine more than anything. I can't imagine myself doing anything else...I used to love medical subjects every since I was in high school. We'd go to Kinokuniya and I'd scramble off to the medical textbook section after I'd be done buying novels.
Everyone's telling me I'll regret leaving medical school for the rest of my life because it's obviously something I'd be really good at if I actually put in the effort.

so SUMMARY:
Made a mistake, didn't study enough, didn't make good enough grades, feel stupid among several dedicated students, want to do a whole lot better in second year but afraid I'm too mushy to continue medical school. I'm afraid the above scenario will be repeated at some point and I'll end up losing everything... I'd rather stop now then waste another year of my life doing something I'm not cut out for.
1)I love medicine
2)I don't have trouble understanding anything. I JUST DIDN'T STUDY.

So...Advice? Useful experiences? Wishes for me to jump off the nearest cliff? Anything at this point...I'm desperate...
P.S: as you can tell, English isn't my first language...have...mercy...
Click to expand...


First thing, I would honestly suggest you go rent or buy some self-help books by people like Tony Robbins or similar (Brian Tracy, Jack Canfield, etc). You just by virtue of being a person have so much value and worth, and you don't seem to acknowledge that. Further, while no one should compare themselves to others, at the beginning, one always compares themselves to others. If you choose to get some confidence by that, you will know that you have done something that few people ever do - which is take the plunge to apply to medical school, get in, matriculate, and pass your first year. This is an amazing achievment!

You are an amazing, worthwhile, beautiful person - do not let anyone ever EVER make you think otherwise. The practical part of this is building your self-esteem. You must build your self esteem by reading/absorbing "self-help" knowledge and coming to believe yourself as being amazing. Once you have this inner rock-solid belief into your worthiness, your next step will be to determine your goals and not compromise them for anything. For you, this goal will be to succeed in medicine. Once you have the inner confidence, then you can focus on achieving your goal despite what anyone else may think.

tl;dr: Do not quit medicine if that is your passion 1. get self help material and work on your confidence. this is the most important step. 2. make plan to achieve your goals. do not compromise for anything. friends and classmates are transient. your view of yourself is the only thing you will have with you for the rest of your life. work on that first.
 
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Do not quit. Keep yourself away from people that will distract you. Stop worrying what other students think about your study habits. Study as much as you need to learn the material. Who cares what others think about your study habits. it is not affecting them.
 
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Is this real life? You were depressed getting high 80% in med school? Stop comparing yourself to other people.
 
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EMDO2018 said:
Is this real life? You were depressed getting high 80% in med school? Stop comparing yourself to other people.
Click to expand...
Either you're derm at MGH or a complete failure. We all know that.
 
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Why are you trying to get advice from PRE-ALLO?
 
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Cognitive Behavior Therapy! Designed to help you rethink the behaviors and thought patterns that are destructive. Sounds tailor-made for you and your situation...

So who do you think is wiser?? The person who never made a mistake? Or the person who got pulled off track, realized it, and redirected him/herself back onto the correct path? Which of those people will make the better, more compassionate physician? You didn't flunk out; you merely fell below your self-imposed standard. You've already analyzed why and how, and already undertaken corrective action. Now start to forgive yourself for an entirely human mistake, and realize that you've learned a valuable lesson.

Also, don't pull too far away socially. Just choose your friends more carefully.
 
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I'm a bit confused about the bullying part. Other students were bashing students who studied a lot? Seems kind of strange to me.
 
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Neighborr said:
I'm a bit confused about the bullying part. Other students were bashing students who studied a lot? Seems kind of strange to me.
Click to expand...

This just seemed really appropriate:

6276887915_3b5fef8d89_z.jpg


But it's the first year; you'll be fine! Concern yourself more with Steps I and II than your class rank; from what I've gathered, it's the more relevant for matching.

Best of luck!
 
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You're in med school, you're not supposed to be happy LOL.
 
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so SUMMARY:
Made a mistake, didn't study enough, didn't make good enough grades, feel stupid among several dedicated students, want to do a whole lot better in second year but afraid I'm too mushy to continue medical school. I'm afraid the above scenario will be repeated at some point and I'll end up losing everything... I'd rather stop now then waste another year of my life doing something I'm not cut out for.
1)I love medicine
2)I don't have trouble understanding anything. I JUST DIDN'T STUDY.

So...Advice? Useful experiences? Wishes for me to jump off the nearest cliff? Anything at this point...I'm desperate...
P.S: as you can tell, English isn't my first language...have...mercy...
Click to expand...

Not sure if you are religious at all, but I would join a local Christian fellowship organization because I have noticed that most people there tends to be more friendly and goal oriented. Med school is a high stressful environment and the least thing you want is bad influenced "friends"
 
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EMDO2018 said:
Is this real life? You were depressed getting high 80% in med school? Stop comparing yourself to other people.
Click to expand...
Our studying is kind of (pffffft kind of) easier than that of U.K, or U.S medical school so...80% here would be near...err..60-70% in your schools?
 
Neighborr said:
I'm a bit confused about the bullying part. Other students were bashing students who studied a lot? Seems kind of strange to me.
Click to expand...
It IS strange, isn't it? I mean...what did they expect people to be DOING in MEDICAL SCHOOL.
 
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Ok, so I totally get the ditching your studies because you wanted to hook up with a girl in your class who disliked the super high achievers. We've all done stupid things in pursuit of that, and we've all accidentally been friendzoned too. I don't quite understand letting the other people get to you unless they were also part of the same group.

Either way, suck it up, do better next year.
 
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MartyrOfSanity said:
It IS strange, isn't it? I mean...what did they expect people to be DOING in MEDICAL SCHOOL.
Click to expand...
Try to avoid them as much as you can, and tell them if they have a problem with what God gave you, then they should see that with Him. I say avoid them because you don't wanna spend your time dealing with negative emotions, feelings in such a phase of your life where you have so important things to wrap your head around. And remember, a looser won't be fine until you become like him. And, another thing, if that girl (that didn't study that much) was your real friend, she would know how important your medical training is and would respect that and try to follow you in that instead, but I am not saying that you are not to blame for spending that much time with her.
 
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Most people go from being superstar students in undergrad / high school to being average medical students. This can really suck if your identity is build around being really smart.

Doing average in medical school isn't the end of the world. You are still more than "worthy of medicine", even though you might not feel like it.
 
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"I don't want to give an autobiography of my blah blah...,"

<proceeds to give extremely winded autobiography of med school circumstances>
 
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You have psych problems, without a doubt. If you reread your post, you also make a habit of blaming others for your shortcomings. Furthermore it's a little worrisome that you aren't even sure if you can keep it together next year because you might allow others to ruin your self-esteem yet again. Unstable much?
 
hemoglobinemia said:
You have psych problems, without a doubt. If you reread your post, you also make a habit of blaming others for your shortcomings. Furthermore it's a little worrisome that you aren't even sure if you can keep it together next year because you might allow others to ruin your self-esteem yet again. Unstable much?
Click to expand...

This is not helpful :thumbdown:

OP, the stress of med school tends to bring out everyone's insecurities. You mentioned that the "more passionate" students with the better grades don't let these things get to them, but I guarantee you they do. Most med students are the competitive, type-A personality type who like to prove to others that they are the smartest, noblest, etc. and this can lead to great dissonance when they get to med school and are no longer the "best." It's easy to feel like you're constantly being watched and judged in med school, because when you are stuck with the same 100-200 people all day all night, you kind of are.

The important thing is that you have identified that these things got in the way of your studying and you have already started making the necessary changes to get back on track and stay focused. You have to be somewhat selfish to get through med school. Do whatever you need to get the grades you want and reach your goals and **** what anyone else thinks. It's nice to have friends in med school, but you are primarily there to become a doctor and what you need to do to reach that goal is not necessarily going to be the same as what others need to do. Use the motivation you've gained back in the past month to help you focus on what is important and what will be important to you five and ten years from now.
 
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Are you in the educational system where med school is accessible straight after high school? The types of problems you described are more comparable to US undergrad than medical school.
 
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hemoglobinemia said:
You have psych problems, without a doubt. If you reread your post, you also make a habit of blaming others for your shortcomings. Furthermore it's a little worrisome that you aren't even sure if you can keep it together next year because you might allow others to ruin your self-esteem yet again. Unstable much?
Click to expand...
I think I might have certain problems...but I didn't really blame anyone for what has happened to me. I did mention that it was my own fault for keeping bad company, and that it was my own fault I allowed such stupid things to get to me...
Thanks for your reply anyway!
 
allenlchs said:
Are you in the educational system where med school is accessible straight after high school? The types of problems you described are more comparable to US undergrad than medical school.
Click to expand...
I'm exactly in that kind of system. High school grades are everything, and they are what determines whether you get into med school or not. So it's high school then off to the branch of your choice (engineering, law, architecture, medicine, etc...)
 
Fluffy Pomeranian said:
This is not helpful :thumbdown:

OP, the stress of med school tends to bring out everyone's insecurities. You mentioned that the "more passionate" students with the better grades don't let these things get to them, but I guarantee you they do. Most med students are the competitive, type-A personality type who like to prove to others that they are the smartest, noblest, etc. and this can lead to great dissonance when they get to med school and are no longer the "best." It's easy to feel like you're constantly being watched and judged in med school, because when you are stuck with the same 100-200 people all day all night, you kind of are.

The important thing is that you have identified that these things got in the way of your studying and you have already started making the necessary changes to get back on track and stay focused. You have to be somewhat selfish to get through med school. Do whatever you need to get the grades you want and reach your goals and **** what anyone else thinks. It's nice to have friends in med school, but you are primarily there to become a doctor and what you need to do to reach that goal is not necessarily going to be the same as what others need to do. Use the motivation you've gained back in the past month to help you focus on what is important and what will be important to you five and ten years from now.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much for such amazing words! You have no idea how helpful they are to me right now :).
 
guitarguy23 said:
"I don't want to give an autobiography of my blah blah...,"

<proceeds to give extremely winded autobiography of med school circumstances>
Click to expand...
Lol!!! This is exactly why I gave up on ever trying to write short stories...can we make a meme out of this?
 
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mirabelle said:
Try to avoid them as much as you can, and tell them if they have a problem with what God gave you, then they should see that with Him. I say avoid them because you don't wanna spend your time dealing with negative emotions, feelings in such a phase of your life where you have so important things to wrap your head around. And remember, a looser won't be fine until you become like him. And, another thing, if that girl (that didn't study that much) was your real friend, she would know how important your medical training is and would respect that and try to follow you in that instead, but I am not saying that you are not to blame for spending that much time with her.
Click to expand...
It wasn't her fault at all, I know that for sure. We were just so alike in so many ways that we stuck together and became "best friends" within the first few months. It didn't take long to see that we had different goals, and that reduced the 'best friends' status to 'hey/how's it going? Friends'. I've learned a lot from this experience, and I'm determined never to let such a thing happen again. I think I may have even hurt her more than she hurt me by choosing to cling to her friendship even though we obviously had different goals in life...
 
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MartyrOfSanity said:
I'm exactly in that kind of system. High school grades are everything, and they are what determines whether you get into med school or not. So it's high school then off to the branch of your choice (engineering, law, architecture, medicine, etc...)
Click to expand...

Oh I understand that system very well as I'm from one of those countries which have that system (the vast majority of them actually). I even have a guess for where you are from based on your avatar :D. You need to learn to stay away from people who are dragging you down. If my suspicions are true, very few people, if any, drop out of med school where you are so you may feel like you may still be able to hang out with those people and pass all your courses. I think what drives the extreme competition among pre-meds and medical students here in the US is the prestige of physician's profession (which is certainly not the case worldwide) and importance of doing your absolute best in order to get into med school and later land a spot in residency. You just need to find reasons to do your absolute best (even if they don't come from outside, find them within yourself) and become the best doctor for your future patients (or however else you want to motivate yourself).


PS It's reasonable for this thread to be in pre-med forum
 
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Get laid. That should do it.
 
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Conflagration said:
This just seemed really appropriate:

6276887915_3b5fef8d89_z.jpg


But it's the first year; you'll be fine! Concern yourself more with Steps I and II than your class rank; from what I've gathered, it's the more relevant for matching.

Best of luck!
Click to expand...
You've gathered wrong, premed.
 
acepua said:
Get laid. That should do it.
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I was actually thinking just this. Instead of focusing on a bunch of different students get a boyfriend(toy) and get something out of it.
 
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allenlchs said:
Are you in the educational system where med school is accessible straight after high school? The types of problems you described are more comparable to US undergrad than medical school.
Click to expand...

Reading OPs post I was thinking "sounds like they didn't learn these things in undergrad or they're really young".
 
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DermViser said:
You've gathered wrong, premed.
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Well, given that she's international, she's pretty much doomed herself to FM, psych, community peds, or community IM most likely anyway. I can't imagine her grades will be the most important deciding factor on whether she gets one of those residencies or not- it'll likely come more down to Step scores, app writing, and interview performance.
 
Mad Jack said:
Well, given that she's international, she's pretty much doomed herself to FM, psych, community peds, or community IM most likely anyway. I can't imagine her grades will be the most important deciding factor on whether she gets one of those residencies or not- it'll likely come more down to Step scores, app writing, and interview performance.
Click to expand...

She's not only international but she's going to a med school (which is really like a major in ugrad) abroad and she hasn't mentioned wanting to come here for post-medical training.
 
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allenlchs said:
She's not only international but she's going to a med school abroad (which is really like a major in ugrad) abroad and she hasn't mentioned wanting to come here for post-medical training.
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It's generally assumed that someone posting outside of the international med forums on SDN is planning on practicing Stateside post-graduation. It could be a false assumption, but hey, it's the one I'm making.
 
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she reminds me of the pre-meds freshman year

they are always talking about how much they love medicine and how motivated they are

two quarters later, they already switched out their major

OP is trying to convince herself, not us
 
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Sikkunt said:
she reminds me of the pre-meds freshman year

they are always talking about how much they love medicine and how motivated they are

two quarters later, they already switched out their major

OP is trying to convince herself, not us
Click to expand...
yeah...actually spot on.
 
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