LDR and save $200,000 or be together-need advice!

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Kayaker89

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Im in a bit of a conundrum about what to do, perhaps SD can give their expert opinion haha. I have deposits on my state school and a very expensive and much less prestigous out of state private school. The only reason I had a deposit on the private school is my gf of 3 years (who Ive lived with for 2) got into her dream graduate school in that city. She really wants me to move with her, and is pretty unsupportive of any kind of LDR, saying we would break-up.
She's at the point now where she wants a ring, however, Im not quite ready to get engaged, especially with so much stress about to come my way. Her program is 2-3 years. Not sure what to do considering i would be paying 400,000 vs 200,000 before interest. Anybody had a similar experience? Ive told her its 2 years apart to save 200,000, but that doesn't seem to sway her lol.
 
Sounds like your relationship is on thin ice as it is.

That's the kind way of me saying go to the less expensive school and move on.
 
I would say break up and save the dough. If you were to end up following her out of state, you'd end up resenting her for it because of all the debt you'll be in. If you stay in state and do LDR, you'll end up being really stressed in your relationship and as a result get distracted from school. In my opinion, if she isn't supportive enough to stick with you when you have a school you want that is also cheap, she's not ring material
 
I always say never make a big life decision like for another person unless that is your spouse/life partner. If you are 100% sure you want to marry (or dedicate your life to) this person, then consider pursuing the more expensive option for the sake of of your relationship. But if you aren't sure she is the one then don't risk taking on the extra debt.
 
yeah thats probably good advice, we are what i would call a pretty happy but not extremely happy point in our relationship. we get along fine and have similar values and families, but do have some of tension at times. She is giving me the, " if you loved me you wouldn't even consider not being with me," treatment, which i think is unfair. I don't know, did the married people on the board know their spouse was 100% the one, doesn't everybody have doubts? Ive always been pretty analytical, and try not to make emotional decisions, always weighing pluses and minus, which can be beneficial, but also definite flaw at times lol Im 25 and she's 23 btw
 
Anyone that says "If you love me...", isn't worth the 200K or the stress.
 
Kayaker89 said:
yeah thats probably good advice, we are what i would call a pretty happy but not extremely happy point in our relationship. we get along fine and have similar values and families, but do have some of tension at times. She is giving me the, " if you loved me you wouldn't even consider not being with me," treatment, which i think is unfair. I don't know, did the married people on the board know their spouse was 100% the one, doesn't everybody have doubts? Ive always been pretty analytical, and try not to make emotional decisions, always weighing pluses and minus, which can be beneficial, but also definite flaw at times lol Im 25 and she's 23 btw
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I never had doubts with my husband, and he never put me in the position that I had to choose him over another important life decision just to prove I love him.

I don't know, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. It's hard to imagine being without someone that has been by your side for 3 years, but sometimes the things that are hardest are what is best. Can you imagine your life without her? Or is every future that you try to picture have her included? Dental school location is going to be just the beginning of sacrifices and compromises she (and you) will have to make, if she can't support a decision that is going to benefit her future too, she might not be the best person to build a future with.
 
My now-husband and I did 4 years of long distance while I was in dental school. I had doubts about making it work through school because it is as hard as it sounds. But we did and it was well-worth it. I was barely around my apartment while I was in dental school and after I went through it, I was pretty sure that we would've broken up if we didn't do an LDR because I would've never seen him.

I think doubts is normal...you're at a big point in your life both professionally and personally. But your girlfriend shouldn't be giving the you 'if you loved me treatment.' That definitely isn't fair. That extra $200k that you'll be spending to be together is something that you'll be repaying together. And money is stressful.

You two should be thinking about an LDR as an investment in the future if you're saving so much money...
 
Sounds like she is manipulating you. She has to know that even if you lived together, you'd have little time when both of you are in grad school. If she is forcing you to make foolish decisions now, what will she do later?Do you really want to become legally and morally committed to someone that isn't even willing to make a short-term sacrifice to support you?

"She really wants me to move with her, and is pretty unsupportive of any kind of LDR, saying we would break-up." - That should be telling enough.
 
thanks everyone!
just had a conversation with her, not very productive, she said i was treating her like a high school gf, and thinking to much about me and not "us." she did say "your debt is my debt" though. however, seems like the writing is on the wall over what is the best decision, its just really hard, we have lived together 2 years , and are both very comfortable with each other.very tough to throw that away. she's not an terrible person either, just i feel immature at times and afraid of being by herself . I think if I just go and say I'm going to the state school, maybe she will at some point be ok with it. might be spending some time in the spare bedroom for a while haha
 
If she loved you then she would be supportive of whatever decision you thought was best and want you to be happy and do whatever she could to try to make things work. $200,000 is a HUGE amount to take on to stay in the same city. I'm with a lot of others wondering that if you did go to the more expensive school then what else down the road would she guilt you into doing. You're only 25. You're young. Live life and go to your state school. Trust me, she isn't the only one that will share the same family values as you.
 
You are a man. Do what YOU want to do with your life. Don't follow her around, follow and pave your own path.

And no, your debt is not her debt.

State school is the safe route, there is no guarantee that she'll be with you when you move to her city.
 
Kayaker89 said:
yeah thats probably good advice, we are what i would call a pretty happy but not extremely happy point in our relationship. we get along fine and have similar values and families, but do have some of tension at times. She is giving me the, " if you loved me you wouldn't even consider not being with me," treatment, which i think is unfair. I don't know, did the married people on the board know their spouse was 100% the one, doesn't everybody have doubts? Ive always been pretty analytical, and try not to make emotional decisions, always weighing pluses and minus, which can be beneficial, but also definite flaw at times lol Im 25 and she's 23 btw
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umm im married... my husband and i would have done long distance if that was my only option.
wanting whats the best for eachother is why i married my partner in crime

shes obv not the one as she doesnt want whats best financially for you
unless she can sign an agreement saying she will pay for the difference id ditch her
 
so yeah go ahead and break up with her now
when youre a hot shot dentist with no debt and your own private practice she will come crawling back
everyone will be crawling back
 
save the $200k... no guarantee ur relationship will last even if u decide to live together...
 
OP, google "sliding relationships," and see if the red flags they mention describe what you're going through, and look into the effects of cohabitation before marriage. You obviously are not preordained to follow the path they mention, but it's something to consider. Also consider you may be able to get back together after your stint apart if the LDR doesn't work.
 
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We are both completely ready to try doing a LDR if either of us decides to move out of state and there's no pressure for a ring right. You can settle down when you've got your career started and what not. She doesn't sound very supportive though...
 
My two cents is. If she really loves you, she will understand that you want to go to a cheaper school. And if she doesn't want to be in a LDR , then that means she is not committed to you or the relationship. Again. That's just my opinion. Good luck


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Keep in mind that we have no idea what the status of your relationship is, and are basing our opinions off of a few of your forum posts. It's not necessarily going to be spot-on advice. Only you can make the decision. However, it sounds like she might be a little naive as to what $400,000+ of student loan debt really means, and how that compares to $200,000. It is unreasonable for her to demand that you move with her for what could potentially be a crushing level of debt. Show her an amortization schedule of 400k+ with a salary of 120k a year (a generous starting salary) MINUS all of the taxes and other living expenses, and she might suddenly see how crappy life would be.
 
Kayaker89 said:
thanks everyone!
just had a conversation with her, not very productive, she said i was treating her like a high school gf, and thinking to much about me and not "us." she did say "your debt is my debt" though. however, seems like the writing is on the wall over what is the best decision, its just really hard, we have lived together 2 years , and are both very comfortable with each other.very tough to throw that away. she's not an terrible person either, just i feel immature at times and afraid of being by herself . I think if I just go and say I'm going to the state school, maybe she will at some point be ok with it. might be spending some time in the spare bedroom for a while haha
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Dude. You should really look up what 400k vs 200k actually looks like to pay back. Bereno has a spreadsheet out there that can show you an accurate representation of the numbers. Needless to say, you shouldn't be thinking the difference between the two loans is a mere 200k. You could pay off 200k comfortably in 10 years (2.3k/month) which would put you roughly around the 280k region for your grand total and unless you plan to pay ~4.6k dollars a month, you won't have that luxury with a 400k loan. You'll probably have to extend it to 20 years (~3k/month) which would result in a total of 732k repayment for the 400k loan. See that difference? Its definitely not even CLOSE to 200k.
 
women will always be women and try to manipulate you dude. i personally had to deal with this type of situation as well...

from what i got out of it, its your career/your life. this is about you, not her. do whats right for your future. but what you have to think about is if 200K is worth the misery/unhappiness you would have not being with her? if she really wants to be in your life, then she will "sacrifice" to be with you. idk what she is going to grad school for but you going to dental school prolly takes the cake regarding priority.

in the long run, tell her its only 2 years apart of your entire life. when you guys are 50 years old, makin' bank, you will look back at this time and agree it was definitely worth it.
 
^^ what he said. Imagine in the future you break up with her, and you went to the more expensive school. Then you would be 400k+ in debt. A relationship is about sacrifices. Even more if you are considering marriage.


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Yep, women can sure be quite a pain sometimes, but this is all good advice thanks! And yes Im well aware its not just 400,000 but substantially more with interest. With her grad school (petrolium engineering) she and I could do pretty well, but still that is a crap ton of money to pay off. just wish she didn't make this such a nightmare of getting me into a stranglehold of hell until i say uncle and do what she whats. Im sure their are plenty of reasonable girls out there though. My friends and I always say its not if they are crazy its when .... Sorry for any sexism, Im sure are the girls on this board are wonderful reasonable people, this has just been my experience with a few.
Also looked up sliding relationship, pretty interesting. I can certainly see how cohabitation has caused a bit of a funk between us, in that i feel kinda like we are married and we have both gotten a bit lazy with each other. Idk, it seems like if you are 99% sure you want to marry someone, living together might be a good idea bc it leaves no surprises. however if your not completely sure it can tie you down for a while, only to break-up/divorce much later than you should. just my 2 cents
 
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She is going to be making a ton of money right out of school as a petroleum engineer and you are going to be in 200,000 of debt. Large starting salaries plus large bonuses plus stock plus 401k plus great health insurance. I wonder who will be crawling back to who.
 
Kayaker89 said:
Im in a bit of a conundrum about what to do, perhaps SD can give their expert opinion haha. I have deposits on my state school and a very expensive and much less prestigous out of state private school. The only reason I had a deposit on the private school is my gf of 3 years (who Ive lived with for 2) got into her dream graduate school in that city. She really wants me to move with her, and is pretty unsupportive of any kind of LDR, saying we would break-up.
She's at the point now where she wants a ring, however, Im not quite ready to get engaged, especially with so much stress about to come my way. Her program is 2-3 years. Not sure what to do considering i would be paying 400,000 vs 200,000 before interest. Anybody had a similar experience? Ive told her its 2 years apart to save 200,000, but that doesn't seem to sway her lol.
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Listen if she truly loves she will compromise and work something out for the future of you both. From the way you said it, it seems a bit too risky. What if you end up breaking up after the first year when both of you are in so much stress? If I am you I would really try talking to her and if her program is only 2 1/2 yrs then for the future of both your relationship she has to think smart and plan ahead. If she sounds like she wants it her way or the highway then let her go, she's too bossy. Plenty of fish in the see, you will always find a better one.
 
If she is "bossy" plus she's getting her masters then she's probably management material. She will be working in a testosterone filled male dominated environment and will greatly benefit from the support of her partner. If you truly love each other then the question is how much you are willing to risk for each other's mutual support so that you can both be successful in the careers you have both worked so hard for. If you can't support her career now then you may be doing her a favor by walking away.
 
^ Has to be a friend of said gf or something, right? Who makes an account on SDN to only reply to a relationship thread in the pre-dental forum? In reply to what you're saying wondering100, I agree with what you say about her, but in no way is the OP not supporting her career by being fiscally responsible, in fact, it seems to be the other way around.
 
wondering100,
would you force your boyfriend to move with you in the same situation. Not truing to argue, just trying to form an opinion of whether is normal to do what she is, or try the LDR. She is defiently very strong willed, and I'm sure will be very successful, just wondering if people think this is normal or unfair to me.
 
not sure, but she obviously can relate to said situation somehow...... Def not gf, she doesn't have any idea what this site is
 
I just think it's not all about you. It's about both of you. I would NEVER force my boyfriend to do anything. That always backfires. You have to make this decision for yourself. She has to make her decision for herself. But you posed the question as a financial question. Don't be surprised if she ends up making just as much if not more than you do AND more quickly. Cash bonuses and stock that vests in lump sums can pay off debt very quickly. Try seeing it from her point of view. I hate debt so I would never advise anyone to take on more than necessary. Just playing devils advocate. I wish you both the best. And no - I don't know either one of you. Just felt compelled to speak to the other side of the coin.
 
One more suggestion. Buy this book and at least skim over it: "Crucial Conversations: tips for talking when the stakes are high". If you want the LDR and she doesn't think it's realistic...this could help you have the conversation that will convince her it is at least worth trying.
 
My boyfriend and I have been semi-LDR for 4 years. It can be done if both parties are committed. We have ZERO trust issues.
 
You sound like you have very different core values. You are practical, while she sounds like the more impulsive one. Such a dynamic doesn't bode well for long term success.
 
Kayaker89 said:
Also looked up sliding relationship, pretty interesting. I can certainly see how cohabitation has caused a bit of a funk between us, in that i feel kinda like we are married and we have both gotten a bit lazy with each other. Idk, it seems like if you are 99% sure you want to marry someone, living together might be a good idea bc it leaves no surprises. however if your not completely sure it can tie you down for a while, only to break-up/divorce much later than you should. just my 2 cents
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Right, so apparently cohabitation is leading less and less towards divorce, but that's still what the statistics say. Plus, when an engaged couple moves in together, it leads to no statistically higher divorce rate, supporting the idea that decision points are important (rather than the slide). Lastly, educated people have a far lower rate of divorce than uneducated people, last I looked. This all has about as much relevance to your specific situation as us guessing which one of you is the biggest pain in the neck, but I thought the stuff on "sliding relationships" would be useful after one of your posts above.

By the way, you said you were trying to make this decision without emotions, when that's almost all you really should be using. Analytically, wondering100 made the perfect points - petroleum engineering could potentially pay off the difference with a signing bonus and some stock options. Regardless of that, how you're going to feel in the future is an emotional component. ...I think. I'm no psychologist, I just play one on message boards. "Emotional intelligence," is at least one buzzword for this whole idea.
 
I will look into that book, sounds good. I don't think we have trust issues neither one of us would ever cheat on one another if we were together. And yes if she finds a job immediately we could start repaying the debt quickly, but and this is another thing that annoys me is she wants to leave and go get a job after grad school which would leave us in a ......LDR. So she's willing to do it on her end but not mine, saying in 2.5 years we would be more stable and probably married. Probably true but still unfair. I think the smart thing for me is just to go to the state school bc I am still very unsure and not ready. We are a pretty good couple it's just in large desisions where we really fall apart, has happened twice since our relationship started.(she has always been very confident and hesitant to compromise, however if things are normal everything is good). also for the last few weeks since she got in we haven't really even been talking bc we can't reach an agreement, it's just turning into a major pain in the ass.
 
Read Crucial Conversations...at least the beginning. It will help you get over the impasse. Do what's right for you. You know what that is in your gut.
 
cant talk, cant compromise, seems the end is near. best for the both of you really
 
Also, I wasn't implying that she would cheat on you. Just making the point that the workforce will be different then school for her and support when she comes home in the evening will be helpful. A hug is hard to emulate over the phone... Not impossible but hard.
 
wondering100 said:
Read Crucial Conversations...at least the beginning. It will help you get over the impasse. Do what's right for you. You know what that is in your gut.
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What made you buy this book, just out of curiosity? I was given a copy, and told it was good, but I haven't gotten around to reading it.
 
Choosing your state school is pretty much a win-win situation.

Either save $200,000 and maintain your relationship, or save $200,000 and enjoy the freedom of being single. :smuggrin:
 
Kayaker89 said:
I will look into that book, sounds good. I don't think we have trust issues neither one of us would ever cheat on one another if we were together. And yes if she finds a job immediately we could start repaying the debt quickly, but and this is another thing that annoys me is she wants to leave and go get a job after grad school which would leave us in a ......LDR. So she's willing to do it on her end but not mine, saying in 2.5 years we would be more stable and probably married. Probably true but still unfair. I think the smart thing for me is just to go to the state school bc I am still very unsure and not ready. We are a pretty good couple it's just in large desisions where we really fall apart, has happened twice since our relationship started.(she has always been very confident and hesitant to compromise, however if things are normal everything is good). also for the last few weeks since she got in we haven't really even been talking bc we can't reach an agreement, it's just turning into a major pain in the ass.
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Kayaker89 said:
Im in a bit of a conundrum about what to do, perhaps SD can give their expert opinion haha. I have deposits on my state school and a very expensive and much less prestigous out of state private school. The only reason I had a deposit on the private school is my gf of 3 years (who Ive lived with for 2) got into her dream graduate school in that city. She really wants me to move with her, and is pretty unsupportive of any kind of LDR, saying we would break-up.
She's at the point now where she wants a ring, however, Im not quite ready to get engaged, especially with so much stress about to come my way. Her program is 2-3 years. Not sure what to do considering i would be paying 400,000 vs 200,000 before interest. Anybody had a similar experience? Ive told her its 2 years apart to save 200,000, but that doesn't seem to sway her lol.
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Even if she was a 10, Id still say you shouldnt stay with her, much less marry her. Looks arent everything, personality and priorities also matter. Based on your posts she seems stubborn, arrogant, and cold. Actually solipsistic (google it) is a better descriptor. She also prioritizes her career goals ahead of you and your financial/emotional well-being. That extra 200k plus interest is no laughing matter. And "dream school"? That just sounds like some melodramatic BS shes using to guilt you into doing what she wants.

LDRs never work, most of the girls Ive dated were in one and often claimed to love their bfs. So thats out. She wants a ring? I probably dont have to tell you but her pressuring you to marry her is a red flag for all the awfulness to come. Ditch her, it seems like shes already ditched you. Go to your state school and save 200k+. You have more options here than you think. With what I glean from your posts your dating options are set to grow every year (assuming you stay/are in shape), hers, eh, not so much. Jump ship, you really could be doing better for yourself.

Edit: Her possibly be able to earn more than you is unimportant. As a dentist youll be fine, you dont need her money.
 
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The opinions of people who formulated their advice based on what little information you provided should not affect your decisions.

As they say, "flip a coin. When it's in the air, you'll know which side you're hoping for".
 
Jungerr said:
The opinions of people who formulated their advice based on what little information you provided should not affect your decisions.

As they say, "flip a coin. When it's in the air, you'll know which side you're hoping for".
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I'm a lot older than many of the people around here. I've seen and had my fair share of doomed relationships. This one is exhibiting many of the signs that he should gtfo while he still has a chance. Ultimately, he will be dumb and let his heart decide, like all of us do before we've gone down that road too many times. But he will learn in time. At least he will be able to look back on this thread and say, "damn, they were right" one way or another.
 
Jungerr said:
The opinions of people who formulated their advice based on what little information you provided should not affect your decisions.

As they say, "flip a coin. When it's in the air, you'll know which side you're hoping for".
Click to expand...

Wow. I have never heard this before. Really good quote. 😉


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