lonely & missing my bf

[walkthesplanch]

One month into med school and I'm feeling miserable. The coursework isn't too bad, but I'm really lonely. My boyfriend is working 6 hours away so I only get to see him every 2-3 weeks. I've made "friends" here but no one I feel I can get close to and everytime I'm in my apartment trying to study I get distracted by how bored and alone I am.

How do you deal with a long distance relationship in med school? Everyday I get really depressed because I'm feeling bogged down and all I want is a giant hug.

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[AlexMorph]

you could cyber

 

[SB100]

skype

 

[MeRLin443]

One month into med school and I'm feeling miserable. The coursework isn't too bad, but I'm really lonely. My boyfriend is working 6 hours away so I only get to see him every 2-3 weeks. I've made "friends" here but no one I feel I can get close to and everytime I'm in my apartment trying to study I get distracted by how bored and alone I am.

How do you deal with a long distance relationship in med school? Everyday I get really depressed because I'm feeling bogged down and all I want is a giant hug.

F*** someone else.

 

[dude1344]

I can sympathize as I'm in a similar situation. I'm an MS2 and my longtime gf (future fiance? 😀) is 3 hours away. We've been doing long distance for three years now (out of 7) and it's really tough at times.

As others have said, Skype can help at times but it's still trying to maintain the relationship. Do you know the next time you'll see him again and/or the date of your reunion? Knowing those things can help as you have a concrete date in your head when you get to see him again/reunite and counting down the days is not as bad as that uncertain feeling.

I feel like I'm rambling here but feel free to PM me if you want to chat with someone who's in the same boat.

 

[Stixman28]

One month into med school and I'm feeling miserable. The coursework isn't too bad, but I'm really lonely. My boyfriend is working 6 hours away so I only get to see him every 2-3 weeks. I've made "friends" here but no one I feel I can get close to and everytime I'm in my apartment trying to study I get distracted by how bored and alone I am.

How do you deal with a long distance relationship in med school? Everyday I get really depressed because I'm feeling bogged down and all I want is a giant hug.

many people manage to generate friends really fast. i find it easy to make superficial friends. but it took me a year to find a friend or two with whom I share a relationship with serious depth. i was pretty sure i wouldn't ever find friends again with the intensity I had in college.

Now i can spend time with them and I do get a little something that is missing from my life. even just doing homework in the same room as someone can help.

just give it time. med school isnt fun. try and get lost in the work instead of ure SO not being there...

and as always, if ure depression is getting in the way of your work, consider speaking with your schools counselling center for assistance, be it therapy, meds, or maybe just some activities

 

[Muehrcke]

OP, I understand 100% how you feel. Long distance relationships are so hard!! My gf is several states away and sometimes it's all I can do to keep from falling into depression. I know this is temporary as compared to forever, but the unknown is killing me. She has applied to the same medical school as me but there is still such a worry that she won't end up out here next year, and if that happens where will the relationship go? I have been in other relationships, but this is the one I know I want to work for forever.

Not trying to one up you or anything, just know your pain is felt. Too bad we aren't at the same school, we could be friends.

 

[medstudent87]

ughhhhi feel ya

my boyfriend lives about 5 hours away and we see each other about once every 3 weeks for a weekend 🙁

i think about him day and night and how much i miss going to bed next to him every night....but there's nothing either of us can do. we're both stuck in our respective locations for at least the next 3-4 years. i don't know if we'll be able to do it...

 

[The Poet Sings]

my boyfriend is 1500 miles away, aka there is no "oh let's meet up real quick". ever. we have to text all day every day and webcam every night. that's how we roll. am i looking forward to being long distance for 4-5 years? no. but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? if they're worth it, you make it work. simple as that as far as i'm concerned...

and all this talk about people getting depressed is worrisome. not sure if you all are being melodramatic or you have genuine issues that need to be worked out with a professional.

 

[ilovefishing]

.

 

[The Poet Sings]

I definitely know how you feel. I am in school in VA and my fiance is in Nevada. We are too far apart for him to drive here and plane tickets are EXPENSIVE! Skype is definitely our best friend, although most of the time he is just watching me study 😀 We went from living together for 3 years to being 2,000 miles apart and it SUCKS! But like an above poster said, figure out when he is coming so you can have something to look forward to. If it was meant to be, the distance will only make your relationship stronger!

👍 i think we need to have a long distance support group so we can complain to each other hahaha. my school has a spouse/sig other support thing, but it seems to me to just be to help couples living together endure all the hours they'll miss each other when one has to study. i have quite a few classmates who are even living long distance from their young kids. now that has got to suck.

 

[dude1344]

Haha I'm all in for a long distance support group.

I'll start off with a question: What do you guys think about a long distance, semi-long proposal? I'm 100% sure she's the one but I'm an MS2 and our plan for reunion is when I graduate and get a residency near her, which would be in 2.5 years or so. (I swear I'm not trying to hijack your thread! 🙂 )

I know the situation isn't THAT uncommon, but I was wondering how people make it work. How do people rationalize the long engagement? Do you know for sure how and when you will reunite? I want her to know I'm committed to her and want her to feel secure about how I feel about her, but there is an amount of uncertainty about our future and that makes me hesitant... 🙁

 

[The Poet Sings]

Haha I'm all in for a long distance support group.

I'll start off with a question: What do you guys think about a long distance, semi-long proposal? I'm 100% sure she's the one but I'm an MS2 and our plan for reunion is when I graduate and get a residency near her, which would be in 2.5 years or so. (I swear I'm not trying to hijack your thread! 🙂 )

I know the situation isn't THAT uncommon, but I was wondering how people make it work. How do people rationalize the long engagement? Do you know for sure how and when you will reunite? I want her to know I'm committed to her and want her to feel secure about how I feel about her, but there is an amount of uncertainty about our future and that makes me hesitant... 🙁

haha i first read this as a semi-proposal and i was like 😕. reading comprehension skills?!? what are those?
i think a long distance semi-long engagement (i imagine that's the word you meant to use) makes sense. planning a wedding takes time, and if the both of you are super busy with life, you'll want to have a long time to plan that wedding, assuming you want a wedding ceremony and all that. plus if you have guests that will have to travel far, you want them to have enough time to save money for the journey. so a long engagement (with at least a season/year in mind for when you want to get married, not just "eventually") can be a very good thing.
you said you're 100% sure you want to be with her, and you want her to know you're committed to her. since i see a long engagement as a good thing, i say go for it and propose when you're ready. no need to put it off until you're both in the same city. be sure to discuss these feelings with her, or else she could think you're just dragging your feet and not wanting to buy the cow when you can have the milk for free, or however that saying goes. and with the divorce rate being what it is, i think feeling a little uncertain isn't anything to worry too much about 🙂

 

[corbis11]

get a pet or a FWB buddy

 

[The Poet Sings]

get a pet or a FWB buddy

your advice gets a 👍 and 👎 in that order 🙂

 

[MilkmanAl]

if they're worth it, you make it work. simple as that as far as i'm concerned...

If it was meant to be, the distance will only make your relationship stronger!

You guys really are kidding yourselves. There are some things even the best of relationships can't survive. Med school and distance often fall into that category. Combining the two makes for one hell of a relationship strain. Best of luck to both of you, but sometimes things just don't work, regardless of how much you (and your SO) will them to. I'm honestly not trying to be a downer, but it's smart to have realistic expectations of what's going to happen to your relationship.

 

[christina30]

You guys really are kidding yourselves. There are some things even the best of relationships can't survive. Med school and distance often fall into that category. Combining the two makes for one hell of a relationship strain.

Seriously. Med school in itself is a relationship-killer, regardless of how far away/close two people live.

 

[MilkmanAl]

By the way, med school essentially has loneliness built into it. There's tons of time spent studying alone. There's the fact that nobody not in the field can relate at all to what you're doing which can cause all sorts of weird misunderstandings. Not many people understand why you have to study so much when you don't actually have any homework. All sorts of fun stuff combines to make this a really isolating experience at times.

 

[The Poet Sings]

You guys really are kidding yourselves. There are some things even the best of relationships can't survive. Med school and distance often fall into that category. Combining the two makes for one hell of a relationship strain. Best of luck to both of you, but sometimes things just don't work, regardless of how much you (and your SO) will them to. I'm honestly not trying to be a downer, but it's smart to have realistic expectations of what's going to happen to your relationship.

but if the relationship can't survive the rough times, then what's the point? i know i'm not married yet, but in the traditional christian vows [since i can't speak for any other religion's traditional ceremonial stuff], it talks about people being together in sickness and in health, til death do they part. that means being with the person you care about, even when the going gets tough. med school is tough. long distance is brutal. so are people supposed to break up with their sig other every time some strain is put on the relationship? just pack up and say "oh well, i'll just be single until this passes, then move on to the next person"? it's good to be realistic but i think in such a situation it's better to be optimistic. breaking up always hurts, so it isn't like going in with a mindset of "ok we might break up any day now" will make it any easier. i figure i'm better off enjoying it and planning for a happy future. i'll let you know how we're doing in a few years. maybe i'll even invite you to the wedding 😉.

edited to add: i hope it doesn't seem like i'm saying people should just find someone and be stuck with them forever no matter how bad they are for each other. no need to be stuck in a bad relationship! i think we're entitled to happiness, and if i've found someone that makes me happy, i want to keep it that way, even if there is a huge distance. ain't no mountain high enough to keep me away and all that.

By the way, med school essentially has loneliness built into it. There's tons of time spent studying alone. There's the fact that nobody not in the field can relate at all to what you're doing which can cause all sorts of weird misunderstandings. Not many people understand why you have to study so much when you don't actually have any homework. All sorts of fun stuff combines to make this a really isolating experience at times.

i see this all the time around here, but i've never really gotten why... maybe because my boyfriend gets that i have to study all the time bc HE has to study all the time (except he gets homework. yikes.). and my family just kind of expect me to be busy, so they just leave me alone for the most part (i'm also far away from friends and family, so they're not trying to see me all the time or anything).

 

[MilkmanAl]

Most of this country is Christian, yet we have over a 50% divorce rate. Even Jesus can't keep people together sometimes.

You don't even necessarily have to stop caring about your SO, but sometimes you both just acknowledge that things can't work out as they are. It happens to the best of us. I'm not saying you (in the general sense) should treat your relationship as though it's going to end or that you should go relationship hopping once med school starts, but it'll never hurt you to put in the extra effort in anticipation of rough times and to steel yourself for the worst.

edit: ...and by "steel yourself for the worst," I mean get a support structure in place so that you aren't cast adrift should something go wrong.

 

[Frank Nutter]

One month into med school and I'm feeling miserable. The coursework isn't too bad, but I'm really lonely. My boyfriend is working 6 hours away so I only get to see him every 2-3 weeks. I've made "friends" here but no one I feel I can get close to and everytime I'm in my apartment trying to study I get distracted by how bored and alone I am.

How do you deal with a long distance relationship in med school? Everyday I get really depressed because I'm feeling bogged down and all I want is a giant hug.

 

[thedoctor8706]

but if the relationship can't survive the rough times, then what's the point? i know i'm not married yet, but in the traditional christian vows [since i can't speak for any other religion's traditional ceremonial stuff], it talks about people being together in sickness and in health, til death do they part. that means being with the person you care about, even when the going gets tough. med school is tough. long distance is brutal. so are people supposed to break up with their sig other every time some strain is put on the relationship? just pack up and say "oh well, i'll just be single until this passes, then move on to the next person"? it's good to be realistic but i think in such a situation it's better to be optimistic. breaking up always hurts, so it isn't like going in with a mindset of "ok we might break up any day now" will make it any easier. i figure i'm better off enjoying it and planning for a happy future. i'll let you know how we're doing in a few years. maybe i'll even invite you to the wedding 😉.

edited to add: i hope it doesn't seem like i'm saying people should just find someone and be stuck with them forever no matter how bad they are for each other. no need to be stuck in a bad relationship! i think we're entitled to happiness, and if i've found someone that makes me happy, i want to keep it that way, even if there is a huge distance. ain't no mountain high enough to keep me away and all that.

I agree with you! I'm a guy and I've experienced and seen the difference between bad relationships and a good one. I'm 100% sure I've now found what I'm looking for in a relationship and a future partner (i'll save you the sappy details). It just sucks that my girlfriend is 6+ or whatever states away for the time being. I think long distance relationships should be avoided if possible, but sometimes they are necessary. She is applying to the same medical school as me and if all goes well then this long distance thing won't have to be longer than a year. And if she decides her calling is somewhere else than one year of this will turn into four, but hey, I've found what I'm looking for and that wins. I'd face anythi... well you get the idea 😛

 

[BigRedder]

I'm in a similar situation, except my GF is also a med student. We've done it for over two years now, and now we are on the home stretch! We do the q2-4week thing, and we have had extended time together during summers. It has certainly been stressful at times, and there is a certain measure of loneliness, but we get by (I do better, mostly because I'm a guy). It helps that we understand each other's schedules, plus our stories are not so boring.

Know when you are going to see each other next, and plan the long visits waaaay in advance so you have something to look forward too. Once in a while, if you haven't been doing too well, and impromptu visit can be nice, but be careful that you don't impact your studying. You didn't plan that visit for a reason.

You have to have a little bit of freedom (within limits), otherwise you can start resenting each other. You can't visit them every free weekend, because you need to have friends there! And make some friends of the opposite sex who are safe, i.e. are not interested in you and have significant others, maybe a "gay best friend". Make sure your own SO meets and likes them. Having a fake BF/GF keeps you fresh and on your game, and you can have your cake and eat it too. Just remember which one is fake!

If you decide you really would rather the fake one be the real one, you do what most people do and break up with other one. It is unfortunate, but you have to assess why you are dating them. If you can logically decide that you would marry them if they were in the same place, you should try to stay with them. If not, find someone new. You aren't doing anyone any favors, especially yourself.

 

[halfconceal]

I am going to chime in and say that I think it wouldn't be the greatest decision in the world to propose to somebody long distance, nor to keep a relationship long distance if you can't see the person regularly and integrate their habits and your habits into a semblance of daily life.

I am going to sound like a horribly old phogey when saying this, but it is one thing to be in love, have chemistry with, and believe you can be with someone forever, and it's entirely another thing to actually LIVE with the person and build a life with them- with all of the day-in-day-out stresses that come with daily life and all of the BS that the world inevitably throws at people, no matter the background. Don't propose based on the former until you know for a fact that you are capable of the latter, otherwise you are in for a nasty shock when you DO combine households and discover that not-every-day-is-a-holiday-because-I'm-married-to-you.

I think med students tend to be risk-averse types (no, really? How the hell did we get here in the first place?) and the comfort of a familiar relationship is easy to keep "long distance." But I think that the majority of it is delusion. It's not a real relationship if you're 6 states away for years, engaged/married/not, and the both of you are missing out on fantastic opportunities to start relationships with other people to whom you CAN have a realistic, adult relationship with.

There are a ton of people in med school who came straight out of college and have gotten engaged/married and while it sounds patronizing, they're playing house. In student housing. On borrowed money. In circumstances in which they have tons of time and minor obligations, and circumstances which aren't real life. Don't propose in order to start your life together like that; I think way too often, people rush into decisions believing that it's now or never, or that with proposing, sooner is better. This probably accounts for the ridiculously high divorce rate. My 2 cents.

 

[VikingLegacy]

baleeted

 

[deuist]

When I think about the people that came into my medical school in long distance relationships, all of them eventually broke up. If you aren't married to that long distance significant other, don't count on being together too much longer.

 

[S6MD]

Most of this country is Christian, yet we have over a 50% divorce rate. Even Jesus can't keep people together sometimes. QUOTE]

That's because most of the country doesn't practice Christianity the way that Jesus intended.

 

[MilkmanAl]

Did you have a chat with him and determine exactly how that would be?

 

[Fleur de Me]

I feel you! I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sadly my bf (who I love a lot) and I broke up a few weeks before med school started because he didn't want to do the distance. So, that's compounded things, but I know what you mean.

I am a really outgoing person, and I have a lot of "friends" at med school, but I'm not super close to any of them yet, so when I come home and lay in bed at night, I still feel kind of lonely.

I think things will get better- at least I hope so. I think about other times when I moved to a new place and didn't know anyone, at first I was sad, but eventually met some of the people who are now my best friends.

Hang in there!!! Distance is hard (I did it for a year when I was living overseas), but you can make it work as long as both of you put the effort in.

Good luck!!

 

[Marcus Brody]

Why doesn't he just move with you? What's he doing that is so important...

 

[The Poet Sings]

I am going to chime in and say that I think it wouldn't be the greatest decision in the world to propose to somebody long distance, nor to keep a relationship long distance if you can't see the person regularly and integrate their habits and your habits into a semblance of daily life.

I am going to sound like a horribly old phogey when saying this, but it is one thing to be in love, have chemistry with, and believe you can be with someone forever, and it's entirely another thing to actually LIVE with the person and build a life with them- with all of the day-in-day-out stresses that come with daily life and all of the BS that the world inevitably throws at people, no matter the background. Don't propose based on the former until you know for a fact that you are capable of the latter, otherwise you are in for a nasty shock when you DO combine households and discover that not-every-day-is-a-holiday-because-I'm-married-to-you.

I think med students tend to be risk-averse types (no, really? How the hell did we get here in the first place?) and the comfort of a familiar relationship is easy to keep "long distance." But I think that the majority of it is delusion. It's not a real relationship if you're 6 states away for years, engaged/married/not, and the both of you are missing out on fantastic opportunities to start relationships with other people to whom you CAN have a realistic, adult relationship with.

There are a ton of people in med school who came straight out of college and have gotten engaged/married and while it sounds patronizing, they're playing house. In student housing. On borrowed money. In circumstances in which they have tons of time and minor obligations, and circumstances which aren't real life. Don't propose in order to start your life together like that; I think way too often, people rush into decisions believing that it's now or never, or that with proposing, sooner is better. This probably accounts for the ridiculously high divorce rate. My 2 cents.

for one, many cultures (including many conservative americans) have strong beliefs against living together before marriage. people have been following the "get married first, live together second" model for a very long time, so i'm not sure where you're going with that.

so when are people allowed to go from "playing house" to being a real couple? when does this "real life" start? have i been living a fake one all along? since apparently, having a relationship and jobs/school and bills and maybe kids isn't what does it, and you have to be financially loaded and already paid off a house up front in cash (no borrowed money, you say). wow i guess my parents are still only playing house since they have years left on the mortgage. 🙄 but really, i want to know where you are going with this. i don't plan on getting married until after i graduate, but a few of my classmates are married and taking out loans. so would their relationship be legit to you if they had the money to pay for ~$38,000 in tuition each year?

and a real relationship can happen over a distance. this isn't back in the day where you had to write letters and wait for who knows how long for the messenger pigeon to get there. the means of communication have progressed greatly. relationships can exist without a physical aspect. and i don't feel like i'm missing out on having relationships with the people in my every day life, either. i am human, and when i meet someone who is attractive (be it looks or personality), all i can think of is why my bf is so much better for me than this person could ever be. we get along perfectly, and i couldn't imagine myself being happier with anyone else. and if it matters, we lived together for a year (and practically lived together for months before that) and every day felt like a holiday 😉.

i know nothing i say can make you see things the way i do, just as nothing you say can make me see things the way you do. but i figured i would just give you more input. we can just agree to disagree.

Why doesn't he just move with you? What's he doing that is so important...

maybe his job is in a field not hiring where she lives? funny how the OP hasn't come back... but in my situation, i'm in med school here and my bf is in grad school there.

 

[thedoctor8706]

for one, many cultures (including many conservative americans) have strong beliefs against living together before marriage. people have been following the "get married first, live together second" model for a very long time, so i'm not sure where you're going with that.

so when are people allowed to go from "playing house" to being a real couple? when does this "real life" start? have i been living a fake one all along? since apparently, having a relationship and jobs/school and bills and maybe kids isn't what does it, and you have to be financially loaded and already paid off a house up front in cash (no borrowed money, you say). wow i guess my parents are still only playing house since they have years left on the mortgage. 🙄 but really, i want to know where you are going with this. i don't plan on getting married until after i graduate, but a few of my classmates are married and taking out loans. so would their relationship be legit to you if they had the money to pay for ~$38,000 in tuition each year?

and a real relationship can happen over a distance. this isn't back in the day where you had to write letters and wait for who knows how long for the messenger pigeon to get there. the means of communication have progressed greatly. relationships can exist without a physical aspect. and i don't feel like i'm missing out on having relationships with the people in my every day life, either. i am human, and when i meet someone who is attractive (be it looks or personality), all i can think of is why my bf is so much better for me than this person could ever be. we get along perfectly, and i couldn't imagine myself being happier with anyone else. and if it matters, we lived together for a year (and practically lived together for months before that) and every day felt like a holiday 😉.

👍

 

[MilkmanAl]

I'm not looking to turn this into a huge love vs. reality argument, so here are 2 quick-hitter points:

1. Physicality is a huge part of any serious relationship. If it isn't now, it will be at some point. It's hard to get freaky from a few hundred miles away. There are work-arounds, but they're stopgap at best.

2. Living with someone over long periods of time clues you in to weird quirks the other person has. It also forces you to resolve your issues instead of slamming down the phone, or whatever. When you sleep in the same bed, things change dramatically.

 

[thedoctor8706]

I'm not looking to turn this into a huge love vs. reality argument, so here are 2 quick-hitter points:

1. Physicality is a huge part of any serious relationship. If it isn't now, it will be at some point. It's hard to get freaky from a few hundred miles away. There are work-arounds, but they're stopgap at best.

2. Living with someone over long periods of time clues you in to weird quirks the other person has. It also forces you to resolve your issues instead of slamming down the phone, or whatever. When you sleep in the same bed, things change dramatically.

That being said, studies have shown that couples who cohabitate before marriage or even engagement are twice as likely to get divorced. I have a rule that I never go to bed angry with my SO. Maybe I'm just old fashioned or a hopeless romantic, but it seems to work. I just think when you enter a long distance relationship, you need a plan, and most importantly an end in sight.

 

[MossPoh]

That being said, studies have shown that couples who cohabitate before marriage or even engagement are twice as likely to get divorced. I have a rule that I never go to bed angry with my SO. Maybe I'm just old fashioned or a hopeless romantic, but it seems to work. I just think when you enter a long distance relationship, you need a plan, and most importantly an end in sight.

I'm not a big fan of the living together thing that much. I think that divorce stuff has more to do with the continuation of old habits versus the times when couples get married and move into a place for the first time. They are more likely to have a clean slate to figure things out.

Anyway, I still think it is important to be somewhat close to each other. After my fair share of long distance relationships, I found that we spent the vast majority of the time just trying to maintain it and would talk about daily crap that happened, if any. That is nice at first but there is a point where you are just ignoring the really important conversations and interactions that like to come up once you've exhausted those regular conversations. People also tend to make a person much greater in their head. Once they are finally back together, you almost start to feel let down when it dawns on you that they are still human.

 

[The Poet Sings]

That being said, studies have shown that couples who cohabitate before marriage or even engagement are twice as likely to get divorced. I have a rule that I never go to bed angry with my SO. Maybe I'm just old fashioned or a hopeless romantic, but it seems to work. I just think when you enter a long distance relationship, you need a plan, and most importantly an end in sight.

i had remembered reading something along those lines, but didn't bother to mention it because i thought maybe i'd made it up in my head. i figure those who are too conservative to live together before being married are too conservative to consider divorce as an option if the relationship starts to go sour. just my hypothesis anyways, i don't recall what (if anything) was found to explain why it is this way.
also, i know someone who said her grandmother refused to get divorced because the bible says blah blah blah, so even after she left the guy for whatever reason (abuse i think), she stayed legally married to him and never remarried or had another relationship, since she was still married to him. so just because people aren't getting divorces doesn't mean they're any happier.

 

[halfconceal]

Well well, apparently a firestorm has been ignited about whether love is "enough" to go off of, in order to legally commit yourself to a fate with somebody else, but note that I never said that you have to move in with the person in order to build a life together; you read that yourself. But, for example, do you treat your separate households as co-mingled? Do you account for costs in the same way that you would/will when you are finally IN the same place? Do you know which side of the family you're going to spend holidays with? Have you any idea whose career you'll prioritize when the question comes up (because it WILL come up)?

And let's be realistic. You have stress, but you don't have real life stresses yet. Borrowing money to live off of for 4 years is not the same as getting a paycheck and having to allocate that to various wants and priorities that may differ from somebody else's, and while it's easy to say that your priorities are the same when you're in an unsustainable (yep, borrowing money to stay in school IS unsustainable) situation, it's entirely another thing when you have to make every facet of your life sustainable. This has nothing to do with having a mortgage to buy a home because, hey, when money is coming in the door and you're covering the mortgage, that's cold, hard reality - and presumably sustainable.

Being in a situation where you're forced to be in different cities because of circumstances beyond your control (for example, getting into med school/grad school in different cities) is VERY different than when suddenly you are entirely in control of your fate and one individual chooses to take a job opportunity in another city that may be at the expense of the other's career, etc. and so forth. This has everything to do with the fact that for now, life is extremely simple: go to school, feed yourself, apply for residency, wait and see. Life's parameters change dramatically when you're finally entirely in control of all aspects of it and having to navigate wants that both parties have with limited resources can be a huge source of relationship discontent. THAT'S where real life begins. I don't think you can forecast what kind of person you will be like in these circumstances until you get there or have been there, regardless of how badly you may "want" something.

For what it's worth, I think the cohabitation data from the NIH at least show a 6pct point increase, but more importantly, they represent correlation and not causation (perhaps, for example, that the people who live together first are more likely to call something that isn't working quits than those who have the same societal pressures that find cohabiting entirely unacceptable).

I find it interesting that some people choose to take this issue pretty personally; the underlying theme, for me, at least, is why not wait to decide until your situation more closely mirrors how you're going to spend the next 50+ years of your life rather than base it on the immediate 2 or 4 - especially if you expect to have your whole life with this person.

 

[thedoctor8706]

Well well, apparently a firestorm has been ignited about whether love is "enough" to go off of, in order to legally commit yourself to a fate with somebody else, but note that I never said that you have to move in with the person in order to build a life together; you read that yourself. But, for example, do you treat your separate households as co-mingled? Do you account for costs in the same way that you would/will when you are finally IN the same place? Do you know which side of the family you're going to spend holidays with? Have you any idea whose career you'll prioritize when the question comes up (because it WILL come up)?

And let's be realistic. You have stress, but you don't have real life stresses yet. Borrowing money to live off of for 4 years is not the same as getting a paycheck and having to allocate that to various wants and priorities that may differ from somebody else's, and while it's easy to say that your priorities are the same when you're in an unsustainable (yep, borrowing money to stay in school IS unsustainable) situation, it's entirely another thing when you have to make every facet of your life sustainable. This has nothing to do with having a mortgage to buy a home because, hey, when money is coming in the door and you're covering the mortgage, that's cold, hard reality - and presumably sustainable.

Being in a situation where you're forced to be in different cities because of circumstances beyond your control (for example, getting into med school/grad school in different cities) is VERY different than when suddenly you are entirely in control of your fate and one individual chooses to take a job opportunity in another city that may be at the expense of the other's career, etc. and so forth. This has everything to do with the fact that for now, life is extremely simple: go to school, feed yourself, apply for residency, wait and see. Life's parameters change dramatically when you're finally entirely in control of all aspects of it and having to navigate wants that both parties have with limited resources can be a huge source of relationship discontent. THAT'S where real life begins. I don't think you can forecast what kind of person you will be like in these circumstances until you get there or have been there, regardless of how badly you may "want" something.

For what it's worth, I think the cohabitation data from the NIH at least show a 6pct point increase, but more importantly, they represent correlation and not causation (perhaps, for example, that the people who live together first are more likely to call something that isn't working quits than those who have the same societal pressures that find cohabiting entirely unacceptable).

I find it interesting that some people choose to take this issue pretty personally; the underlying theme, for me, at least, is why not wait to decide until your situation more closely mirrors how you're going to spend the next 50+ years of your life rather than base it on the immediate 2 or 4 - especially if you expect to have your whole life with this person.

I agree with most of what you said for sure. Too many times people jump into things based on emotion alone without taking the bigger picture into consideration. But a lot of what you described is also the challenge of any marriage. When do issues like prioritizing someone's job or picking a holiday destination or dealing with everyday stresses get any easier? I know for me this long distance relationship isn't permanent, and it's not stopping me from meeting new people or having new experiences. I'm not even saying I will get married to the person I'm currently with, though I would be lying to say I hadn't thought about it a lot. I don't know, for me the purpose of being in a serious relationship is to find a future partner, and so if I've found that person, why waste it just because I happen to be in a certain stage of my life? It'd be a problem if it was an addictive relationship that was closing me off from the world or causing academic problems because of long distance depression, and while it is very hard at times, I know at least my relationship has been worth it. And realistically for me it's only one year out of my entire life. That's not that much. I have known my SO for a long time and experienced said quirks and flaws just as she has experienced mine, before this long distance portion started. So why should I suddenly say, well I won't see you regularly for a year, sucks to be us, it's been fun, but I'm GONE!

 

[thedoctor8706]

i had remembered reading something along those lines, but didn't bother to mention it because i thought maybe i'd made it up in my head. i figure those who are too conservative to live together before being married are too conservative to consider divorce as an option if the relationship starts to go sour. just my hypothesis anyways, i don't recall what (if anything) was found to explain why it is this way.
also, i know someone who said her grandmother refused to get divorced because the bible says blah blah blah, so even after she left the guy for whatever reason (abuse i think), she stayed legally married to him and never remarried or had another relationship, since she was still married to him. so just because people aren't getting divorces doesn't mean they're any happier.

that's just awful. divorce shouldn't be ignored in a situation like that!

 

[jackofclubs]

I want to start off by saying I completely understand your feelings of isolation right now. I do have my boyfriend nearby, which helps, but right now I am so busy and so stressed that I often don't get to see him often and to compound things I am experiencing the isolation that so many others have talked about on these forums. I am struggling with forming anything more than a superficial relationship and the hours of studying solo is frankly getting me into a pretty bummed and depressed state. So I can definitely understand how you're feeling there. If you ever wanted to PM me to talk more, I would definitely be up for that.

As far as suggestions for long distance relationships, I definitely think honesty is the number one most important thing. I know you didn't even mention honesty issues in your thread but being completely open and candid about your feelings and your life can go a long way to keeping things fresh in a long distance relationship. You don't have physical contact keeping you close, so you will have to get intimate with your feelings. This may mean admitting to things that you wouldn't normally admit to, but I feel like the only way to combat (a) jealousy and suspicion and (b) lack of conversation topics is to be completely open and honest about everything.

Oh, and try to work him into your daily activities. Maybe you two can schedule "study dates" on skype where you just stick the camera on for a couple hours while you both study. Or have dinner together. Both of you over skype can make the same thing, then sit down and eat it together. Also, if you can, get a pet. They go a long way towards replacing some of that physical reinforcement you get from a significant other. Granted, there are some things that they will never be able to do for you (yikes) but as far as a good hug and a cuddle, I find my cats are great sources of love and affection. You could also go out and buy each other big stuffed animals to hug when you are feeling low. Ok, ok, so thats probably not something a guy is going to be willing to do, but us girls can get away with it.

 

[The Poet Sings]

I want to start off by saying I completely understand your feelings of isolation right now. I do have my boyfriend nearby, which helps, but right now I am so busy and so stressed that I often don't get to see him often and to compound things I am experiencing the isolation that so many others have talked about on these forums. I am struggling with forming anything more than a superficial relationship and the hours of studying solo is frankly getting me into a pretty bummed and depressed state. So I can definitely understand how you're feeling there. If you ever wanted to PM me to talk more, I would definitely be up for that.

As far as suggestions for long distance relationships, I definitely think honesty is the number one most important thing. I know you didn't even mention honesty issues in your thread but being completely open and candid about your feelings and your life can go a long way to keeping things fresh in a long distance relationship. You don't have physical contact keeping you close, so you will have to get intimate with your feelings. This may mean admitting to things that you wouldn't normally admit to, but I feel like the only way to combat (a) jealousy and suspicion and (b) lack of conversation topics is to be completely open and honest about everything.

Oh, and try to work him into your daily activities. Maybe you two can schedule "study dates" on skype where you just stick the camera on for a couple hours while you both study. Or have dinner together. Both of you over skype can make the same thing, then sit down and eat it together. Also, if you can, get a pet. They go a long way towards replacing some of that physical reinforcement you get from a significant other. Granted, there are some things that they will never be able to do for you (yikes) but as far as a good hug and a cuddle, I find my cats are great sources of love and affection. You could also go out and buy each other big stuffed animals to hug when you are feeling low. Ok, ok, so thats probably not something a guy is going to be willing to do, but us girls can get away with it.

we study over webcam. sure, we don't talk the whole time (kind of like when we studied together in person) but it's fun when i come across something interesting and i can just tell him, and vice versa, even though the stuff he is learning about goes way over my head and makes my brain cry (he could probably say the same of the stuff i'm learning!).

 

[hrandani]

You may think you are the special exception but long-term, long-distance relationships are doomed to bitter, soul-sucking failure.

But nobody ever listens.

 

[BloodySurgeon]

I am actually in the same boat as the OP and would love to read everyones opinion but I have no time. 🙁 Can anyone sum up the key points and what the general consensus about Long distance relationships in medical school is.

*My gf lives in CA while I live in PA. Im not lonely, but I can tell she really is.

 

[The Poet Sings]

I am actually in the same boat as the OP and would love to read everyones opinion but I have no time. 🙁 Can anyone sum up the key points and what the general consensus about Long distance relationships in medical school is.

*My gf lives in CA while I live in PA. Im not lonely, but I can tell she really is.

one side (the side i'm on bc i'm also long distance): tough it out and make it work if they're worth it.
other side: you're wasting your time, you naive little fools. meet someone nearby and get you some action.

 

[MilkmanAl]

That's a pretty unfortunate reduction of the situation.

 

[The Poet Sings]

That's a pretty unfortunate reduction of the situation.

unfortunate but still pretty accurate. can you do a better summary (not being facetious)?

 

[VoiceofReason]

I want to make a film about medical school.

A man sits alone in his apartment studying. He sips some coffee, reads silently, sips more coffee, paces around regurgitating things he just read to the wall, to himself in the mirror, to the plant in the corner... He stares out the window for huge stretches of time, saying nothing, in between reading and picking his nose. He masturbates joylessly once.

running time 90 minutes.

 

[VoiceofReason]

personally i think you're expecting too much out of life, OP

 

[vicinihil]

Transferring med schools is one way some people have mediated this. To a better or worse medical school, ppl often feel better. This is usually done between 1st and 2nd year or even 2nd and 3rd. I only know 2 people that have transferred but they were also the only two I know that tried. They both did it for a bf/fiance and one transferred to Northwestern and the other to BCM, both good schools. Neither were engaged.

Other options include doing a research year (NIH, HHMI) at that location or even seek a different degree (MPH) between 2nd and 3rd year that will allow you one or two years at that location and then maybe the sig other can migrate to where you are?

 

[Ilovewater]

I am actually in the same boat as the OP and would love to read everyones opinion but I have no time. 🙁 Can anyone sum up the key points and what the general consensus about Long distance relationships in medical school is.

*My gf lives in CA while I live in PA. Im not lonely, but I can tell she really is.

Since my bf also lives almost 2,500 miles away and that we've been doing long distance for almost 5 years, I can give a few comments.

I know that for my bf and me, I don't get as lonely because I'm so busy and really don't have too much time to worry about other things. Of course I miss him, but I don't just sit around and mope because there's always an exam to study for. It's definitely harder for the other person when they aren't as "busy" and have more time to think about non-school related stuff. Does she have a good support system such as friends, family, etc? Does she have hobbies? What does she do? My bf doesn't get too lonely because he's really busy with his 2 jobs, multiple sport leagues, etc. Maybe she can occupy herself with other activities (new hobbies, etc) to keep her mind off of things.

It's difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when two people are so far apart. It will only only work if both parties have reasonable expectations and aren't "high-maintenance". For instance, during exam week, I told him that I won't be able to talk every night like we usually do because I'll be too busy or tired, and he completely understands. However, we'll still keep each other updated through a few texts here and there throughout the day. Even on a day-to-day basis, we only talk for about 30-40 minutes at night before I go to sleep.

We've been doing this for 5 years, and so far, it's been really good! I actually enjoy the distance because it gives me a lot of time to do my own things! There are always days where I wish he was living closer, but usually, that's only once or twice a month. Plus, it's so much more fun and exciting when we get to finally see each other again after 5 or 6 months! You really do make the most of the time you have with each other. =]