Med School Husband, (Almost) Ph.D. Wife - Now Where Do We Put the Babies?

[Shamby]

Hey everyone,

Seeking advice from some SDN-ers and/or significant others who have juggled school, work, and babies and lived to tell the tale!

A little background: my husband and I are 33 & 32, respectively. I'm finishing up my Ph.D. (should graduate next year) and my husband is about to start medical school in a few months. We're going to have to be apart for about a year as he's going to school in another state, and I need to finish my program before I can relocate. It sucks, but we'll only be about 4 hours apart so we can do weekend trips, etc.

So...here's where it gets really tricky. We want to have babies - 2, to be exact. We've decided that waiting until he's done with med school isn't a great plan for us, as I'll be 37 by that point and he'll still have to complete residency (which seems even more time-consuming than med school). So we've been wracking our brains to try to figure out when would be the best time to start a family over the next 4 years (answer: no good time, apparently!). This is what we've figured out:

1st year just ain't gonna happen, as we'll be apart most of the time.

2nd year is promising because my husband will have a more flexible schedule, but raises lots of questions for me about work, money, etc. Specifically, I'll JUST have finished my Ph.D., and will have just moved to a new city where I have no professional contacts. Should I put starting my career on hold to have a baby? And if I do, how will we eat?

3rd year is probably better for me, in that I'll theoretically be more settled into a new city and will have worked for awhile, maybe even been able to save a little money. If I was working I could theoretically take maternity leave (although in a perfect world, I would stay home a little longer with a baby than would be allowed by most maternity leave policies). But 3rd year seems like it would be TERRIBLE for my husband, and for me by proxy, as he'll have crazy hours and little control over his schedule.

4th year seems great! But I'll be 36, which is older than I'd like to be getting started on this whole baby-making thing.

So, we're over here scratching our heads. What about you guys? Have any of you had kids during med school (while either you or your spouse was a student)? What year seems best? How did you handle it financially, emotionally, etc.?

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

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[deleted126335]

There is no good answer. You are also assuming that you will be able to get pregnant with relative ease. (big assumption). There is never a good time. Based on the data you presented I would say sooner rather than later.

 

[J ROD]

What kind of family support system will you have in place?

Without that, there really is no "good" time. His worst yr is 3rd yr and residency.

Since you want 2 kids and based on your age, the time is now.

I would go ahead and start working on getting knocked up so you will have one out of the way by the time you look for a job and he will have more flexibility during the first 2 yrs. Then, you can look for another kid at his beginning 4th yr.

Without family support to watch the kids, etc. It will be very hard. Even I would not try it. Maybe 1.

My best friend just had number 2 and they are stressed like a MFer now. I could not imagine doing that while in MD training. You will HAVE to be the one doing almost everything. So, family support is almost required in my opinion.

 

[Salamandrina]

I work with two married physicians who have a three year old and are expecting baby number two. They are both in their second year of residency.

I sort of laugh about how educated, driven people get into this hyper-planning mode with everything. Since kids will change everything no matter when you have them, I sort of feel like you should have them whenever. No time is terrible really and no time ideal. You just have to work together.

 

[dotdash]

What field are you doing your PhD in? Your biggest problem may not be your med school husband but your own career. Will you have trouble getting an academic job in the exact city where your husband will be? Will you put your academic career on hold? Can you get tenure while you have 2 kids and a husband who won't be a lot of help?

Having done a lot of what you are heading into, I'd say have the babies the earlier the better. Now, even, while you finish up and have an excuse not to be working so hard. Being pregnant alone is so much easier than having babies or toddlers alone. And med school has so much more flexibility than residency - that's the time for little kids. You don't want to be handling toddlers and a job while he's in his first year of residency. Try to get them into school by the time he's in residency. Otherwise it will all be on you, and your career will suffer. Or your relationship. Or all of you.

Good luck! You have a lot on your plate.

 

[peppy]

I agree with the others to do it sooner rather than later. You can't count on getting pregnant and having a baby right on schedule. Even perfectly healthy people may not be able to get pregnant within the first few months of trying and unfortunately miscarriages are not at all uncommon, especially as you get older. If you wait until both of you are at the ideal place in your careers, it would be very easy to put it off until it's too late.

There are always some people who do their interviews in 4th year while pregnant, but I personally would not have wanted to have a baby in 4th year. While 4th year of med school is easy in terms of hours worked (for the most part) it is also stressful and hectic in a different way (lots of traveling for interview,having to do a long distance move to a new location).
Long story short, I know people who have had babies at all different points along the way. There doesn't seem to be any ideal time but somehow it all works out.

 

[J ROD]

I really hate it when people post a question and never respond back.....

 

[mac_kin]

24

 

[J ROD]

why post? OP doesnt read this....

 

[psychforme]

She probably realized that babies are arrogant and generally a stupid idea. Everone whos done their ped rotation knows how arrogant they behave toward everyone including doctors (babies don't understand the concept of authority). What other patient category than 2 year olds scream "No!" when the doctor enters the room? What other category than 2 month olds dont utter a comprehendible sound sound during the exam and history? And when you examine them they focus their attention on some red plastic helicopter or something hanging from the roof instead of you... they just don't make any sense!!!

So no reason to return to this thread move along.

 

[Velocity]

She probably realized that babies are arrogant and generally a stupid idea. Everone whos done their ped rotation knows how arrogant they behave toward everyone including doctors (babies don't understand the concept of authority). What other patient category than 2 year olds scream "No!" when the doctor enters the room? What other category than 2 month olds dont utter a comprehendible sound sound during the exam and history? And when you examine them they focus their attention on some red plastic helicopter or something hanging from the roof instead of you... they just don't make any sense!!!

So no reason to return to this thread move along.

If only children were born with good manners and didn't need to be taught anything or disciplined...