Med School Single Parents?

[Dazed2012]

I'm a first year medical student and I've managed to get myself into a sticky situation...

I found out recently that I am pregnant. The catch is that I'm 23, single, and that my closest family is 3000 miles away. The father is a good friend of mine, but neither of us is interested in turning that friendship into a relationship at this point.

Has anyone been through this? I'm not asking for moral opinions, I would just like to know what to expect if I decide to have this child.

Sorry my first question here is such a heavy one. Please help if you can.

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[Mr hawkings]

I'm a first year medical student and I've managed to get myself into a sticky situation...

I found out recently that I am pregnant. The catch is that I'm 23, single, and that my closest family is 3000 miles away. The father is a good friend of mine, but neither of us is interested in turning that friendship into a relationship at this point.

Has anyone been through this? I'm not asking for moral opinions, I would just like to know what to expect if I decide to have this child.

Sorry my first question here is such a heavy one. Please help if you can.

Oo. thats a tough one. Its going to be very difficult as a single parent with no family help. This means you are going to have to rely on day care 100% to start with. Plus you will have less time to study with a newborn. Imagine having to wake up a couple of times a to feed your baby the night before an exam. The clinical years will be even worse with no family to help out. you would have to spend a significant amount of money on nannies for some rotations. My wife and i had a child during her intern year and it was hard enough that i had to defer my admission for a year. Even with that, we are still going to fly in my mother in law to help out this fall.

If you decide to have it, i would suggest that you take a leave of absence for a year so you can get that first year of motherhood under your belt. That way the you are already used to the routine before you add med school to it.At the moment, you dont know how you are going to adjust to motherhood but i'm sure it will be more pleasant without med school pressures.
The other option would be to have a family member move in with you like i'm about to do.

Either way, its going to be very tough.

 

[rock_climber]

i agree with above about deferring for a year, having the baby, and then getting settled into the mom routine before starting school. we have a woman in our class who has 2 kids and is single so it can definitely be done.

 

[FrickenhugeMD]

How involved is the father going to be? Are you taking all of the load of raising a child? If he is on board to help, you could probly pull it off but it will be difficult.

If he is out of the picture, I would do what the other have recommended and take a year off to get in the lifestyle change that comes with a newborn.

either way, good luck

 

[Droopy Snoopy]

I'm a new dad with a wife who makes good money, and even with occasional daycare, lots of family within 90 miles, and the fact that I'm a fourth year it's been kinda tough. Couldn't imagine studying for Step 1 in little blocks of naptime. Roughly your timetable puts you at having the child late summer I guess, which is OK but then your whole first semester of M2 is going to be so exhausting. Spring will be better, particularly if there's no attendance policy at your school, but like I said Step study is gonna suck with a teething baby in your ear. And with reputable care centers running ~10K/yr plus nighttime help M3 year is going to be damn tough financially, even with support from dad and the state.

 

[ZonaRidicularis]

I'm a first year medical student and I've managed to get myself into a sticky situation...

I found out recently that I am pregnant. The catch is that I'm 23, single, and that my closest family is 3000 miles away. The father is a good friend of mine, but neither of us is interested in turning that friendship into a relationship at this point.

Has anyone been through this? I'm not asking for moral opinions, I would just like to know what to expect if I decide to have this child.

Sorry my first question here is such a heavy one. Please help if you can.

Expect you life to get more complicated. As a matter of fact I do know someone who was in sort of a similar situation as you. She got accepted to medical school.. and then got pregnant before 1st year started. She decided to have the kid and withdrew her acceptance from school because she said she could not raise a kid on her own without any help or money and still be able to keep up with the demands of medical school. She might have been able to do it if she had support from her family or the father... but that didn't happen. Btw... I'm not completely sure if she withdrew or deferred enrollment... I just assumed she withdrew because she would have been back to school by now.

IF I were in your shoes, I would get a medical abortion within the 2 month gestation time frame in which it is allowed. Even if I had a bank load of money and somebody to help me raise the kid, I would still not have it because it was an accident in the first place. So I guess if you have to ask yourself if you really want to have a kid right now or not.. and if you will be able to afford both medical school and a baby at the same time. Goodluck.. it's a tough one.

 

[Manyac86]

Well I don't speak from personal experience but you might try transferring med schools to be closer to family.

 

[Dazed2012]

Thanks for the input, everyone. My brain has been literally swimming over the last few days, and I really appreciate the help.

I know it would be rough to work out childcare, and family insurance, and still find time to study, but I'll definitely talk to someone at my school to see if they have any advice. I'm thinking about taking a research year so that my schedule is more flexible, without keeping me off campus altogether, but who knows how well that plan will actually work.

I would really rather not go home to my family - they are extremely conservative. I don't expect them to be very supportive, and I could really do without the constant disapproval.

As for the father, he would definitely prefer if I didn't keep the baby, but he would support my decision regardless. Either way, at this point, I'm really only counting on doing things on my own.

PS - Is there any way to get this moved back to allo? It really isn't a premed issue considering that I'm already in medical school and I'm asking about the experiences of other medical students...

 

[doctor712]

If I had the power to move your thread I would, but I don't. Hopefully a MOD will move the thread as I think you will also get some really good advice in the allo thread. Of course these are big decisions, so I need to preface this post by saying only YOU can ultimately make them, and after some long and hard thought.

I know you said you were going to speak with someone at the med school, and I suggest speaking with maybe more than one person to get a few angles on advice. Student Affairs office, or even a Psychological counseling office. Just remember, your information will remain confidential with a medical counselor, make certain that whomever you speak to you ask for their confidence the moment you shut their office door behind you. I DONT say this to pass judgement on your situation, I'm not going to do that. Just that you seem to want support and not evil eyes from your very conservative family, I imagine that goes for your Profs and colleagues at Med School. That's all.

As for advice, you can only handle what you think you can. If your med school offers the option of a research year, then that's one way to go. Just remember, your child will be one instead of 2 months, or something like that, if you delay. Or 2 instead of 1. I suggest that - with the exception of a colic-y child, the difference might be negligible at home. What the demands of med school might be in those years is for you and other med students to know.

But, no matter what, I'm not sure I see this getting "easier" by delaying a year. All that guarantees you is a research year, or if you choose a leave of absence it simply undoes ALL that amazingly hard work you went through to get into med school in the first place. (kudos by the way). But, might a delay be just what you need to settle in and bang through med school, and residency, and fellowship (see where I'm going with this), then fine. It should be an option, your med school advisors will know best.

Here's the other side of the argument: the timing of my own child's birth hurt my anatomy grade. But I was a non-trad student taking UCLA extension classes. I could have just put off class until summer session. It was an easy fix, and you are already through one of the the biggest hoops there is. Just stating this as an example. My son happened to be born on the FIRST day of anatomy, so, it was really rough timing, if you can have a summer to buffer, all the better. And no, a year off isn't going to kill you. Or your career. You're very young.

If you don't delay, then we can start options re: how to succeed as a soon to be mom. Anecdotally, my friend had two kids before attending med school, SINGLE MOM, and a third during med school, remaining a single mom. I guess she meant it when she said she was interested in OB/GYN. None of the dad's were around. It can be done. If that's the answer you want, it's possible. You will get support from the state, from the dad (if you decide to go that route), and maybe also from the med school when you declare a new dependent. And when all else fails, I don't know if you are attending a private med school, or public, but LOANS are another option. If you go to P&S and pay 45K a year in tuition, hard to take more loans out, I know. But if you go to, I dunno, SUNY SB or UCLA and are in state, the loans are their to cover living expenses, remember that. As I said, not ideal, but doable. Day care will be your new best friend. Or worst friend. But it will be a new reality for you. I think there was a SDN student who talked here about studying for her MCAT while breast feeding her child, and now she's in med school. Just a point for reference.

And lastly, you're pregnant, I'm not sure anyone has said congratulations, but, um, ya know, congratulations. Some of the greatest children have been unplanned, like, um, ya know, my two children!!!! And some of the most fun SDN members were also unplanned, like me. (I'll save the details mom and dad told me, but it's a "cute" story.) Keep sight of the big picture: your career, and, if you decide, your child. If you do take a year off, and I guess this is really the big concern lurking in the back of my mind, finally put my finger on it....MAKE SURE you go back to Med School, and don't let life run off down the tracks. It has a tendency to do that.

Good luck.

D712

 

[QofQuimica]

Moving thread to allo forum at OP's request.

OP, one other option that hasn't been mentioned is that you could have the child and give it up for adoption. It's a reasonable choice, especially if you are morally opposed to abortion but can't handle the logistics of raising a baby as a single mother. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you.

 

[searun]

I suggest that you consider having the child adopted into a stable two parent family. That probably is in the best interests of this child, as well as your own. You are in a tough situation but that is what I would do if I were in your circumstances.

 

[smq123]

IF I were in your shoes, I would get a medical abortion within the 2 month gestation time frame in which it is allowed.

I suggest that you consider having the child adopted into a stable two parent family. That probably is in the best interests of this child, as well as your own. You are in a tough situation but that is what I would do if I were in your circumstances.

But neither of you ARE in her shoes. And that's not what she was asking - she was asking if anyone has had experience with this situation. While I know that people on SDN tend to feel like they can give their opinion on any matter, that's not what she asked for in this case.

Dazed2012 - I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a complicated situation during your 1st year of med school. While I'd like to congratulate you on being pregnant, I know it's tough to be happy when everything else surrounding your pregnancy is so complicated.

Others on this thread have already pointed out the obvious - that your life will get more complicated. But in terms of what to expect - the first two years are the most predictable. Even with Step 1, you could have someone watch your child during the daytime, and use that time to study. Up until the beginning of third year, it probably wouldn't be that bad.

The real difficulty is MS3, MS4, and interviews. For me, the hardest part about MS3 is that "the world never seems to understand your schedule." You often need to be at work before most places open, and often don't leave work until after most places close. Unlike other people working in office jobs, you don't always have a "lunch hour" to get things accomplished, either. So you may not be able to leave the hospital in time to pick up a child from daycare, and dropping off a child at daycare becomes challenging. Explaining to your residents why you have to leave at a specific time can often lead to embarrassing and probing questions, too.

Interviews can also be difficult, just because you may need to spend a lot of time traveling and in hotels.

The bottom line is that there's very little possibility of doing this without support. If the father isn't going to be supportive, then your options become more limited. Is there a retired couple that lives in your building that would love to watch a child for a few hours? Or, while your parents wouldn't be supportive, would they mind raising your child for a few years while you finish up med school? (Someone at my school did that - sent her child to live with its grandparents for a couple of years, so that she could focus on school.)

In any case, no matter what you decide to do, good luck and be strong. I hope it all works out.

 

[doctor712]

Is there a retired couple that lives in your building that would love to watch a child for a few hours?

I know it's not exactly what your post is about, however, if you're thinking of long term day care, make sure whomever you leave your child with has proper training, including Infant CPR, etc. That goes for day care, grandparent care, or retired couple in your building-care. It might seem overkill...unless Junior needs it. As far as I was concerned, nobody takes care of my kids as good as me and mommy. Call me an overprotective daddy, but I'd rather be that then a parent who didn't follow this advice - god forbid it was needed...

D712

 

[smq123]

If you're thinking of long term day care, make sure whomever you leave your child with has proper training, including Infant CPR, etc. That goes for day care, grandparent care, or retired couple in your building-care. It might seem overkill...until Junior decides to stick her finger in the socket, or choke on a carrot. As far as I was concerned, nobody takes care of my kids as good as me and mommy. Call me an overprotective daddy, but I'd rather be that then a parent who didn't follow this advice - god forbid it was needed...

That's a valid point, and it's good to point that out. But...to be honest, this isn't necessarily realistic, when it comes to the OP's situation.

If she decides to keep this baby, and doesn't have familial support (as you obviously do), then her options are, unfortunately, somewhat limited. If she has the baby, doesn't have support, and wants to stay in med school, something has to give.

You can't personalize her situation. Your situation is different, and you can afford to be more selective in terms of picking a caretaker for your children. But...things are different for the OP.

 

[doctor712]

That's a valid point, and it's good to point that out. But...to be honest, this isn't necessarily realistic, when it comes to the OP's situation.

If she decides to keep this baby, and doesn't have familial support (as you obviously do), then her options are, unfortunately, somewhat limited. If she has the baby, doesn't have support, and wants to stay in med school, something has to give.

You can't personalize her situation. Your situation is different, and you can afford to be more selective in terms of picking a caretaker for your children. But...things are different for the OP.

Good points. But, when my kids were born, and to this day, I think we've (my ex and I) left the kids with family as many times as I have fingers - on one hand. I don't consider that family support, unfortunately. But that's another post.

Yes, something has to give. OP's parents would be a great support system if only they would understand and help. I'm not certain, though, what is not realistic about my post? Finding someone who is trained to watch the baby and/or CPR certified? If l'il' one is going to be left somewhere, day care, grandparents, it needs to be somewhere safe, that's all I'm saying. That's actually part of the reason I couldn't leave my kids with my mom, I, unlike my mother, don't think it's safe to leave kids in the car outside 7-11 while you run in for a pack of cigarettes. End of story. Are you suggesting saving money in regards to care taking? How would this relate to CPR training for instance, and if it does, would you suggest leaving baby with a day care center that is not CPR certified to save money? I'd borrow the difference if need be.

As for the retired family in the building theoretical, I feel strongly that I wouldn't leave the little one with them if they're not trained with infants. The idea sounds ok on its face, but I'm not sure where else money might be better well spent? Maybe mom and dad won't watch baby from 3000 miles away, or be supportive in that way or religiously, but perhaps they'll help with money. Who knows.

Don't want to hijack this from others chiming in though...

D712

 

[Conjuctiva]

umm... easy.... abort

 

[Depakote]

I really can't imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. All I can do is try to help you consider your options.

You can either continue with the pregnancy or abort. If you object to abortion, adoption is still an option. The obvious concerns with continuing through the entire pregnancy being how it might affect your class performance and the high-schoolesque nature med school can assume.

If you decide to raise the child, I agree that taking a year off is probably the best option. Given the timing, it sounds like you would probably be able to complete your M1 year before having the child.


You may want to discuss this with your dean of students. I doubt you are the first student at your school in this situation. They might be able to give you some advice or at least a better understanding of how the various scenarios could play-out.

That's all I've got.

 

[Dazed2012]

Again, thank you all for taking the time to share your opinions and experiences here. As many of you have said, the clinical years are my biggest concern about this whole experience and they are the one thing I will really have to go over in my head before I can make a decision.

I know that my school offers daycare for its students and employees during business hours (thank god for family-friendly schools), but I don't know if they have any options beyond that. And I'm really not sure if I'll know my 3rd/4th year rotation schedules far enough in advance to try to work out sitting hours with another student parent or something of that sort. For those of you who have been through 3rd year - do you know in advance when you'll be in clinic for a given month or does the scheduling tend to be more last-minute?

If I can't find childcare through the school, are there any professional options out there for childcare at weird hours aside from live-in nannies? Or are neighbors, students, etc my best bet? At this point, I absolutely wouldn't send the child to my parents, our relationship is rocky at best.

Also, are there any clinical specialties that pose risks to pregnant women? This is more of an immediate concern than a long term one, but my school requires students to do weekly clinic time during their first two years. I'm on a surgical rotation at the moment (trauma), but I don't know if there are any rotations I should try to avoid after this one is over.

Also, I understand those of you who are saying that this situation is just too difficult to be worthwhile. On a logical level, I agree with you - the timing is horrible, the support isn't there, and the financial concerns are daunting. I don't have any personal issue with abortion, but I have had fertility issues in the past and I can't help but wonder if this could be my only chance to ever have my own child. Because this is my reason for considering keeping the baby, adoption really isn't something I'm interested in at this point.

Yes, time off is an option (and probably a very good one). The child would be due in early September, so either way, I should be able to finish out my MS1 year as planned.

Sorry to keep riddling everyone with questions, but my brain seems to be full of nothing but questions these days. I am genuinely grateful to those of you who have chimed in - your opinions and experiences really do help.

 

[silas2642]

umm... easy.... abort

Grow up.

To the OP-- I'm sorry to hear about the tough spot you're in-- it's every woman's worst nightmare. How far away is the father from you right now? Would be able to provide you any support if you choose to keep the child other than a check every now and then? Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this right now that you can trust and who would be confidential?

I know people in med school with kids, but they all have support. I'm sure that it's been done before (i.e. single parents in med school) and I'm sure that it will be done again-- where there is a will there is a way.

 

[Dazed2012]

How far away is the father from you right now? Would be able to provide you any support if you choose to keep the child other than a check every now and then? Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this right now that you can trust and who would be confidential?

At the moment, the father and I actually live together (as friends, not as a couple), but I was originally planning to move out in early summer to be closer to school and my other friends. Obviously, I'm not sure if that's still the best course of action, but he and I definitely aren't going to live together permanently. He is in the new stages of a relationship and I really don't want to interfere with that.

As far as other forms of support, his situation isn't much better than mine. He's also a medical student, but he's in his third year (meaning he is crazy busy). We're both poor, we're both busy, and we're both a little bit freaked out at the moment.

I haven't talked to anyone else at my school about this yet. I haven't talked to anyone really, except for the women's health doctors and a few out of state friends. I do have my sister though (who also happens to be pregnant at the moment), and I think she'll be very supportive once I work up the nerve to tell her.

 

[Depakote]

Also, are there any clinical specialties that pose risks to pregnant women? This is more of an immediate concern than a long term one, but my school requires students to do weekly clinic time during their first two years. I'm on a surgical rotation at the moment (trauma), but I don't know if there are any rotations I should try to avoid after this one is over.

I'd be concerned with any rotation that used portable X-Rays including Trauma, Interventional cardiology, radiology, etc.. Also oncology uses a fair bit of unfriendly materials. This is something you should really discuss with your schools admins, they're more likely to know what's safe and what's not.

Additionally you'd want to be concerned about anatomy lab. I'm not sure how safe constant formalin exposure is.

 

[Dazed2012]

I'd be concerned with any rotation that used portable X-Rays including Trauma, Interventional cardiology, radiology, etc.. Also oncology uses a fair bit of unfriendly materials. This is something you should really discuss with your schools admins, they're more likely to know what's safe and what's not.

Additionally you'd want to be concerned about anatomy lab. I'm not sure how safe constant formalin exposure is.

Thanks for the input, I'll definitely check with my school about it, and see if I can be placed into a safe specialty next time around.

And luckily, our school finished its Anatomy course in November so I don't have to worry about that anymore. I doubt my biochem book poses too much of a hazard.

 

[smq123]

I'm not certain, though, what is not realistic about my post? Finding someone who is trained to watch the baby and/or CPR certified? If l'il' one is going to be left somewhere, day care, grandparents, it needs to be somewhere safe, that's all I'm saying. That's actually part of the reason I couldn't leave my kids with my mom, I, unlike my mother, don't think it's safe to leave kids in the car outside 7-11 while you run in for a pack of cigarettes. End of story. Are you suggesting saving money in regards to care taking? How would this relate to CPR training for instance, and if it does, would you suggest leaving baby with a day care center that is not CPR certified to save money? I'd borrow the difference if need be.

It's not a question of money.

To use a specific example: the university offers daycare to its employees. It's not free, but it's at discounted rates. Sounds great, right?

Except that the daycare is only open from 8 to 5. Which is fine...if you're a pathology, radiology, or PM&R resident, not so good if you're a med student on your surgery or OB rotation. (On my OB rotation, I was getting in at 4:45 AM, and leaving at around 6 PM. On surgery, I was getting in at around 4:30 AM, and leaving at 7 PM.) You'd need someone who can reliably be there for you everyday to watch the kid for a few hours while you leave in the morning, drop the kid at daycare, pick the kid up from daycare, and watch the kid until you come home.

And except that the daycare is NOT open on weekends. On IM and surgery, I worked almost every single weekend. God help you if your school requires a surgical sub-I in 4th year, because you will be working 6 days a week if you are lucky. 7 if you are not. Someone needs to watch the kid all day on those weekends.

I agree, it would be ideal to have the parent watching the child at almost all times. And if you can't, a CPR-certified daycare would be the next best thing. But, realistically, if you are a single parent, you may have to settle for something else for those hours (and even days!) when neither you nor a daycare can watch the child.

umm... easy.... abort

Yeah, that's a REALLY easy decision. I don't even know why we're discussing other options! [/sarcasm]

And I'm really not sure if I'll know my 3rd/4th year rotation schedules far enough in advance to try to work out sitting hours with another student parent or something of that sort. For those of you who have been through 3rd year - do you know in advance when you'll be in clinic for a given month or does the scheduling tend to be more last-minute?

It depends, unfortunately.

Some rotations, and rotation sites, issue a weekly schedule, so you don't truly know your schedule from week to week. Even on family med, which involves a lot of clinic, there were some days that I had evening clinic (from 4 PM to 8 PM). Again, I didn't know which days those would be until Monday of that week.

Internal medicine and surgery often also require Q4 call. For internal medicine, I had 1 free weekend per month - all other weekends, I was either working Saturday, Sunday, or both. The good thing is that you often know your call schedule in advance (because it is every 4th night, almost without fail), and that helps.

Also, are there any clinical specialties that pose risks to pregnant women? This is more of an immediate concern than a long term one, but my school requires students to do weekly clinic time during their first two years. I'm on a surgical rotation at the moment, but I don't know if there are any rotations I should try to avoid after this one is over.

Interventional radiology is definitely not a good one for you to see (although this is usually something that MS4s do, not MS1s). Vascular surgery and urology (which often do intraoperative fluoroscopy) are also ones to avoid. They give you lead aprons and all, but I know that when you're pregnant, you magnify all the possible dangers. Trauma isn't too bad - they do portable x-rays, but you're usually busy doing/watching something else while the x-ray tech is taking the x-ray.

Pathology is probably a bad one if they require that you watch a lot of autopsies - the formaldehyde may not be supersafe.

Pediatrics in the wintertime - I think there are some dangers for pregnant women who are exposed to parvovirus. This is probably all overkill, though.

And yes - your biochem book probably doesn't pose a risk to your baby. The risk it could pose to YOUR sanity, though....no guarantees.

I don't have any personal issue with abortion, but I have had fertility issues in the past and I can't help but wonder if this could be my only chance to ever have my own child. Because this is my reason for considering keeping the baby, adoption really isn't something I'm interested in at this point.

I can sympathize. I do agree - having fertility issues make it harder. When I did a month in the infertility clinic, we would get a lot of women who had had abortions 15 years ago, but were now having problems getting pregnant. There's probably no correlation, but the regret was written on their faces.

Good luck making your decision. It isn't an easy one, but talking to your school, your mentors (and maybe even your parents) can help. Don't be afraid to ask your classmates, neighbors, and SDN for help when you need it.

 

[lilTXcatMD]

I'm not in your exact shoes but I had a baby 2.5 months ago. It is hard but doable. PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to about it.

 

[Dazed2012]

It depends, unfortunately.

Some rotations, and rotation sites, issue a weekly schedule, so you don't truly know your schedule from week to week. Even on family med, which involves a lot of clinic, there were some days that I had evening clinic (from 4 PM to 8 PM). Again, I didn't know which days those would be until Monday of that week.

Internal medicine and surgery often also require Q4 call. For internal medicine, I had 1 free weekend per month - every other weekend I was either working Saturday, Sunday, or both. The good thing is that you often know your call schedule in advance (because it is every 4th night, almost without fail), and that helps.

Yeah, that unpredictability was pretty much what I was expecting, although it would have been really nice to hear that you had your clinic schedule distributed promptly every month, with a list of single parents interested in sharing childcare duties attached...

Interventional radiology is definitely not a good one for you to see (although this is usually something that MS4s do, not MS1s). Vascular surgery and urology (which often do intraoperative fluoroscopy) are also ones to avoid. They give you lead aprons and all, but I know that when you're pregnant, you magnify all the possible dangers.

Pathology is probably a bad one if they require that you watch a lot of autopsies - the formaldehyde may not be supersafe.

Pediatrics in the wintertime - I think there are some dangers for pregnant women who are exposed to parvovirus. This is probably all overkill, though.

Good points with those. I'll add them to the list, although the more I think about it, the more it seems like almost any specialty could pose some sort of risk - moving surgical patients, dealing with angry psych patients, anything involving terrible smells...although the last one is more a risk for my stomach than for my health.

I can sympathize. I do agree - having fertility issues make it harder. When I did a month in the infertility clinic, we would get a lot of women who had had abortions 15 years ago, but were now having problems getting pregnant. There's probably no correlation, but the regret was written on their faces.

Good luck making your decision. It isn't an easy one, but talking to your school, your mentors (and maybe even your parents) can help. Don't be afraid to ask your classmates, neighbors, and SDN for help when you need it.

That regret is exactly what I'm worried about. I just keep feeling that if I keep this child I'll find some way to make things work - I may regret parts of the path, but I'd never regret the outcome. I can't be sure I could say the same thing if I decide to terminate.

Thanks again, for the kind words and the concern. It really does mean a lot.

 

[DrSno]

I'm a first year medical student and I've managed to get myself into a sticky situation...

I found out recently that I am pregnant. The catch is that I'm 23, single, and that my closest family is 3000 miles away. The father is a good friend of mine, but neither of us is interested in turning that friendship into a relationship at this point.

Has anyone been through this? I'm not asking for moral opinions, I would just like to know what to expect if I decide to have this child.

Sorry my first question here is such a heavy one. Please help if you can.

I've counseled with quite a few girls in situations like these and my best advice to is to truly think seriously about whether or not you want a baby at this stage and in your current situation. Luckily, it is extremely easy for you to get out of this situation if you would like to. Keep in mind that being a single mother will seriously affect your ability to find a husband down the road. And assuming you'd have another kid someday with another father, do you really want to have partial siblings? Finances are of course another important thing to look at. Anyway, think long and hard about all possibilities.

 

[smq123]

I've counseled with quite a few girls in situations like these and my best advice to is to truly think seriously about whether or not you want a baby at this stage and in your current situation. Luckily, it is extremely easy for you to get out of this situation if you would like to. Keep in mind that being a single mother will seriously affect your ability to find a husband down the road. And assuming you'd have another kid someday with another father, do you really want to have partial siblings? Finances are of course another important thing to look at. Anyway, think long and hard about all possibilities.

The OP did not ask for advice as to whether or not she should keep it.

The question was: what could she expect IF she decided to keep it.

People, leave her alone as to whether or not she should have an abortion. That's NOT your decision, and she wasn't asking your advice as to whether or not to have this kid. She was asking advice, from current parents and/or med students, what her life might be like if there were a small child involved in it.

As previously mentioned, the OP has intense emotional reasons for not wanting to rush right out and get an abortion right away. It's a difficult enough decision as it is; she doesn't need random strangers telling her that she should have an abortion, telling her to put the kid up for adoption, etc.

[getting off my soapbox]

 

[physics junkie]

My girlfriend got pregnant her senior year in college(my junior year). We decided to keep her and it has been pretty tough. At that time I decided to go pre-med(I was a biophysics major so I already had completed all the coursework) and she did too(so she completed her post-bacc). Her schedule was pretty brutal during the post-bacc and babies are a lot of work. Children don't sleep through the night for the first 16 months. If she(our daughter) gets sick it is our priority. Midterm in two days? Tough. She cried through the night the day before my girlfriend had to take the MCAT and she took it on no sleep. You learn to manage your time much more efficiently but without a support network I could easily see you not being able to handle it. Once they are a little bigger it is a completely different story. Is it possible for your mother to relocate for a year to help you through the transition?

I'm sorry I can't offer you better advice. My daughter is arriving next semester with my girlfriend and we are going to try to make it work. I couldn't imagine doing it alone with a newborn. With a 16month old+ I could see it working.

 

[Droopy Snoopy]

People, leave her alone as to whether or not she should have an abortion. That's NOT your decision, and she wasn't asking your advice as to whether or not to have this kid.

I keed. Well sorta, because although it'd suck for the OP to have this devolve into yet another abortion thread, people can post their thoughts on the Lakers if that's what they feel like doing. Just not sure why it's your job to keep everyone on-topic, she sounds grounded enough to sort through things I think.

 

[Retrospective]

Congrats! I know your situation is hard, and having this child will not be easy. It will drain some of your stamina during the pregnancy and certainly, logistically it will be a challenge afterward to manage the care. But I will attest that there is no greater joy than being a parent. As someone who understands fertility issues, I will tell you that not having a child would have been the biggest void of my life. I'd give up med school in a minute for my precious baby.

I definitely agree that taking a year off if possible will be a better way for you to plan for a routine and to understand the demands of childcare. You may decide to map out another path. Make the dad step up with his time and treasure. Is a mutualistic relationship between you two possible -at least while you are in school?

As to your question of what to expect: Anticipate a tough road which will require sacrifice. As you seem to be weighing either the sacrifice of struggling through school with a child or possibly never having the opportunity to have another child, I'd say the latter is the greater sacrifice and the rewards of the former will be immeasurable.

 

[smq123]

I keed. Well sorta, because although it'd suck for the OP to have this devolve into yet another abortion thread, people can post their thoughts on the Lakers if that's what they feel like doing. Just not sure why it's your job to keep everyone on-topic, she sounds grounded enough to sort through things I think.

PMed you.

 

[ZonaRidicularis]

Also, I understand those of you who are saying that this situation is just too difficult to be worthwhile. On a logical level, I agree with you - the timing is horrible, the support isn't there, and the financial concerns are daunting. I don't have any personal issue with abortion, but I have had fertility issues in the past and I can't help but wonder if this could be my only chance to ever have my own child. Because this is my reason for considering keeping the baby, adoption really isn't something I'm interested in at this point.

At this point it seems like you really want to find a way to keep the kid and I think your reasons are justified. Some women go through with their pregnancies thinking it will keep their already rocky relationship with their boyfriend together or assuming that she could continue to do all the things that a young woman without a child can do. You sound like a responsible woman with your head together and as long as you truly want to keep the baby for your own happiness I think you should disregard abortion as an option.

I only suggested medical abortion as something I would do in your shoes if I truly felt no desire to raise an unplanned baby without any support. I specifically mentioned medical abortion because I think it would be more devastating to sit on the decision until the last minute and have to get a seemingly traumatic surgical abortion. Also, since you have fertility issues, abortion can affect the ability to get pregnant in the future but more so with surgical abortions just because of the nature of the procedure. Chances are very very low and there is not enough literature out there to know for sure.. but don't risk it especially if your fertility issues are more difficult to deal with than others.

The logistics of your particular situation is going to take a toll on you so gather up some strength. Here are my suggestions:

Rocky relationship with your parents and they can't help you with the kid... that may be true, however, it is possible that they change their mind or offer some sort of support (time, money) in the future. Relationships with parents are dynamic so it is possible that you may get help from them. Maybe not immediately, maybe with strings attached, but I would take any help I could get even with compromises for the sake of the baby. Plus, you will never know how they will react until you actually tell them. Just like most of us don't know what it's like to be in your position, you don't know what it's like to be your parents when hearing news like this.

Medical School... I think taking a year off is absolutely necessary. Not only will you learn how to take care of a baby, but you can also start doing other things to make your life easier. You can start preparing for M2 with the help of your friends, you can get a part time job to have extra money, you can get involved in research, etc. Make the best out of this time.

The father... there is no point in accommodating him to make his life easier with his future relationships. That's just ludicrous for obvious reasons. You need to get some sort of assistance from him and don't feel guilty for asking him to do so. If he doesn't want to be involved then you need to make him pay child support, it's the law. If he were to be involved in some way I honestly think he will develop an attachment to the baby and be in his/her life although you two will not have a relationship. So that could possibly lessen the burden on your time.

Resources... the largest resources you will need is money and babysitting. Find out what you can do to get assistance from the government, charitable organizations, student loans, etc etc. Find a trustworthy babysitter that you can use at any time, or an affordable child care center that is open longer than 5pm.

Your sister... does she live in the same city as you? If she lives far away, can she move closer to you? She's family and you have a good relationship with her.. great source of support.

I hope everything works out for you. I think it will. Goodluck!


I forgot to mention health care... Do you have health insurance? Find out if it covers prenatal checkups as well as the actual delivery. I know a lot of insurance companies don't cover all that stuff and having a baby is expensive. If these things are not covered by your insurance you should look into what your assistance your state offers for pregnant women without health care. Also, there are a lot of clinics out there that offer discounted rates on a sliding scale based on your income. Most students are poor so I'm sure you would qualify for something. Look into State Children's Health Insurance Program. Take care of your health too. Quit bad habits if you have them, take prenatal vitamins, don't get too stressed out.

 

[ammd327]

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I admire how you seem to be handling it - considering all of your options and getting advice before making a decision one way or the other.

I don't have any actual advice but I wanted to refer you to the website mommd.com. It's a website for women in medicine and there are many moms who participate in their forums, whether they are single or married. I'm sure they can give you some good advice.

Best of luck with everything.

 

[Dazed2012]

The OP did not ask for advice as to whether or not she should keep it.

The question was: what could she expect IF she decided to keep it.

I more or less expected comments like those when I started this thread. Whenever someone is asked a difficult, emotional question, their first response is to explain what they would do. No, it's not exactly what I asked for, but I can't say I didn't see those responses coming.

I do appreciate you trying to keep things in perspective, but working in theatre for so long has given me a pretty thick skin. It will take much more than a few blunt opinions to upset me. Again though, thanks for caring enough to say something.

You learn to manage your time much more efficiently but without a support network I could easily see you not being able to handle it. Once they are a little bigger it is a completely different story. Is it possible for your mother to relocate for a year to help you through the transition?

I'm sorry I can't offer you better advice. My daughter is arriving next semester with my girlfriend and we are going to try to make it work. I couldn't imagine doing it alone with a newborn. With a 16month old+ I could see it working.

I think this is a pretty reasonable assessment. Having a child in medical school would make each year difficult in its own way. I think with some time off, I could at least make a start on dealing with those adjustments. As for my mother, she still lives on the east coast and works so there's no chance of her coming here, although I could see my parents fighting like hell to bring me home once the news hits. Although I realize that in many cases family support is a godsend, I just can't see myself heading back east, so I'll have to make due with the friends I've made in my new city for moral support and look for other forms of support elsewhere.

Oh, and good luck to you with your daughter and your girlfriend. I hope everything works out for you.

I definitely agree that taking a year off if possible will be a better way for you to plan for a routine and to understand the demands of childcare. You may decide to map out another path. Make the dad step up with his time and treasure. Is a mutualistic relationship between you two possible -at least while you are in school?

Yeah, the more everyone says it, the more I'm starting to realize that it would be very stupid of me to go forward with this without taking some time off.

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to say that I don't want this to impact the father's life too much, but at this point I still don't really know what to expect. He has his opinions, but he wants me to truly figure out what I want to do before he springs them on me full-force. At the same time, I honestly believe that this is as much his choice as it is mine, and if I decide to go down a path that he doesn't want, I think he's within his rights to keep living a normal life. That's not to say that he wouldn't be around to help, but at this point, I'm really not sure.

At this point it seems like you really want to find a way to keep the kid and I think your reasons are justified.

Rocky relationship with your parents and they can't help you with the kid... that may be true, however, it is possible that they change their mind or offer some sort of support (time, money) in the future. Plus, you will never know how they will react until you actually tell them. Just like most of us don't know what it's like to be in your position, you don't know what it's like to be your parents when hearing news like this.

Medical School... I think taking a year off is absolutely necessary.

The father... there is no point in accommodating him to make his life easier with his future relationships. That's just ludicrous for obvious reasons.

Resources... the largest resources you will need is money and babysitting. Find out what you can do to get assistance from the government, charitable organizations, student loans, etc etc. Find a trustworthy babysitter that you can use at any time, or an affordable child care center that is open longer than 5pm.

Your sister... does she live in the same city as you? If she lives far away, can she move closer to you? She's family and you have a good relationship with her.. great source of support.

I hope everything works out for you. I think it will. Goodluck!

You make a lot of really good points here, and I think that you're probably right when you say that I'm just looking for a way to convince myself that I am able to keep this baby. I know that I need to explain the situation to my parents and that they might surprise me, and that's on my to-do list for the near future - I just need some time to get everything in my head together before I face a potential backlash.

As for my sister, she actually lives in the same city as my parents (and they actually are helping her a bit with her pregnancy, although they are doing it grudgingly). She'll be moving to London in a couple of years to be with her husband though...she'll be a great source of emotional support, but I'm afraid there's not much she could do on the physical end.

As for resources and everything else, they will really be the trickiest part, and I still have a lot of thinking to do before they take on anything resembling order in my mind.

I don't have any actual advice but I wanted to refer you to the website mommd.com. It's a website for women in medicine and there are many moms who participate in their forums, whether they are single or married. I'm sure they can give you some good advice.

Thanks for the website, I'll definitely check it out! At this point, the internet seems to be doing wonders for me - it's amazing how complete strangers can be more honest with you than your best friends, and it's amazing how sometimes that's exactly what you need.

 

[heysexylady]

I've counseled with quite a few girls in situations like these and my best advice to is to truly think seriously about whether or not you want a baby at this stage and in your current situation. Luckily, it is extremely easy for you to get out of this situation if you would like to. Keep in mind that being a single mother will seriously affect your ability to find a husband down the road. And assuming you'd have another kid someday with another father, do you really want to have partial siblings? Finances are of course another important thing to look at. Anyway, think long and hard about all possibilities.

What?

She isn't asking about her chances of getting a husband or about her future children....she want's to know what she could do now.

This is just a stupid and sexist remark for someone to say. Ultimate fail.


To the OP....can't you go to your school and have them increase your COA...cost of attendance so that you could get more money for day care or a live in nanny.

Also, I think you should at least try to talk to your folks...and see if they could at least help...doesn't hurt to try. I know you say they are conservative...but the fact that you aren't considering an abortion but plan on having the child should at least make them happy if they were like really conservative.

You need to talk to the guy and tell him to man up...tell him that he needs to help you figure out what to do. What about his family...are they able to help you out...consider that option.

Call the school...talk to your adviser and ask for the options that are available for you as a single mother.

Kick ass in school and whatever you plan to do with your child.

 

[heysexylady]

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to say that I don't want this to impact the father's life too much, but at this point I still don't really know what to expect. He has his opinions, but he wants me to truly figure out what I want to do before he springs them on me full-force. At the same time, I honestly believe that this is as much his choice as it is mine, and if I decide to go down a path that he doesn't want, I think he's within his rights to keep living a normal life. That's not to say that he wouldn't be around to help, but at this point, I'm really not sure.



To op...I don't agree.
The burden shouldn't be on you and you alone....both of you were pretty much active in the babymaking business and therefore both of you should be active in baby raising business (financially and emotionally).

Right now, you need to think what is best for the child ( if you plan on keeping it)....what is best for you are the father should be placed on hold.

 

[searun]

Tell the proud papa to keep his checkbook nearby. He may not want to help with his time but he will have to help with his treasure. He will be writing increasingly larger monthly child support checks (as his own income increases) for the next 18-21 years. A pretty expensive roll in the hay.

 

[Droopy Snoopy]

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to say that I don't want this to impact the father's life too much, but at this point I still don't really know what to expect. He has his opinions, but he wants me to truly figure out what I want to do before he springs them on me full-force. At the same time, I honestly believe that this is as much his choice as it is mine, and if I decide to go down a path that he doesn't want, I think he's within his rights to keep living a normal life. That's not to say that he wouldn't be around to help, but at this point, I'm really not sure.

Yeah I have to go with the previous poster on this one. Dad should be as involved as you are in every decision. It's cool that he's giving you the freedom to make up your own mind and such, but don't let that be an excuse for a cop-out on his part. There's nothing you should feel guilty about (unless you slipped the guy a roofie or something), and it's not your job to make his life easier regarding all this. Besides that, the kid needs and deserves to have both parents in their life because it's the surest way to achieving the best possible outcome from this situation.

 

[searun]

A parent should always make decisions based upon what is in the best interests of the child. A concern about inconveniencing the lifestyle of the sperm donor should not be a factor. The OP cannot force this guy to become a parent and assume child rearing responsibilities, but she has the legal means to make sure that he pays his fair share of the expenses of raising this child. This kid should not suffer financial deprivation because the father wants to pursue a less encumbered lifestyle.

 

[Dazed2012]

I understand where you all are coming from with respect to child support, and I don't think there would be much of a way for me to make things work without that kind of support anyway. I'll see what would be possible in terms of loans. And I'll talk to my parents, although I don't expect much. I think part of the issue for me is that I have always been stubbornly independent. I was the person who never asked for help from anyone in any way, and this whole situation will be a big change for me.

As for the father, he is a good friend of mine, and I'm certain that he's not going to turn into a selfish, conniving jerk over this situation - I just want to make sure that he doesn't think this situation is going to destroy his life. I would love for him to be involved, but I can understand if he doesn't want to take on the role of a father figure. And it may sound naive, but I think our friendship could survive either way.

 

[SugPlum]

I understand where you all are coming from with respect to child support, and I don't think there would be much of a way for me to make things work without that kind of support anyway. I'll see what would be possible in terms of loans. And I'll talk to my parents, although I don't expect much. I think part of the issue for me is that I have always been stubbornly independent. I was the person who never asked for help from anyone in any way, and this whole situation will be a big change for me.

As for the father, he is a good friend of mine, and I'm certain that he's not going to turn into a selfish, conniving jerk over this situation - I just want to make sure that he doesn't think this situation is going to destroy his life. I would love for him to be involved, but I can understand if he doesn't want to take on the role of a father figure. And it may sound naive, but I think our friendship could survive either way.

Have you talked to the father-to-be about your pregnancy?

In my opinion, I don't feel that you should be alone in taking on the burden of extra loans. The father should also contribute by taking on extra loans.

Another reminder about single motherhood: Having a child may make you less attractive to potential relationship partners. Think about your personal and professional goals.

As for your fertility concerns, perhaps consult with a fertility specialist to see if fertility is a problem for you.

 

[confuse]

It seems like you already have great advices from other members. I think the challenge is in 3rd and 4th year. You should be able to complete 1st year without much problem from the pregnancy, and 2nd year will be hard but doable since many med students don't go to classes anyway. I think taking a year off between first and second year to figure out your mommy routine is a really good idea. Research either at your school or at NIH intramural is a great option; not only are research hours often accomodating, research will enhance your resume and allow to you save up some money. You need to have a serious conversation with the child's father and your parents. You will need help in 3rd/4th year and you can't be afraid of asking for it because it's no longer just for you but also for your child. You can't force the child's father to put in the time, but he has to help you with expenses (at least until you finish your residency). If your parents offer to help, I think you should definitely take full advantage of it. Ask your financial aid office what your options are in terms of loans and consult other mothers in your school about support. I agree with the previous poster about consulting a fertility specialist if that's what you're worried about. Good luck and be strong, for you and for your child, should you decide to carry through with this.

 

[SpookyDoc]

The way I see it your options are:
1. Adoption
2. Abortion
3. Leave of absence for the first year of the baby, make sure you get everything in order and try to jump back in
4. Transfer to an in-state school and have family assist.
5. A combination of 3 and 4

I can't think of anything else that is a seriously viable plan.

BTW why is everybody listing rotations you can't do with a baby on board? She's a first year, odds are she'll pop that sucker out before M2 even begins. The only exposure I'd worry about is in the anat. lab and you sound done with that.

 

[smq123]

BTW why is everybody listing rotations you can't do with a baby on board? She's a first year, odds are she'll pop that sucker out before M2 even begins. The only exposure I'd worry about is in the anat. lab and you sound done with that.

Because the OP asked....

It sounds like her school has some weekly shadowing/clinical stuff.

Also, are there any clinical specialties that pose risks to pregnant women? This is more of an immediate concern than a long term one, but my school requires students to do weekly clinic time during their first two years. I'm on a surgical rotation at the moment (trauma), but I don't know if there are any rotations I should try to avoid after this one is over.

As for your fertility concerns, perhaps consult with a fertility specialist to see if fertility is a problem for you.

She already knows that she has fertility issues; a workup at this point in time isn't going to help.

I don't have any personal issue with abortion, but I have had fertility issues in the past and I can't help but wonder if this could be my only chance to ever have my own child. Because this is my reason for considering keeping the baby, adoption really isn't something I'm interested in at this point.

 

[Dazed2012]

Have you talked to the father-to-be about your pregnancy?

In my opinion, I don't feel that you should be alone in taking on the burden of extra loans. The father should also contribute by taking on extra loans.

Another reminder about single motherhood: Having a child may make you less attractive to potential relationship partners. Think about your personal and professional goals.

As for your fertility concerns, perhaps consult with a fertility specialist to see if fertility is a problem for you.

Yes, I've talked to the father about the pregnancy, but we're not at the point of sitting down and talking out the logistics of everything yet. When we reach that point, financial help will be a prominent topic.

As for my future man-hunting, that doesn't exactly concern me at this point. Yes, I would love to be married at some time in the future, but I would much rather never be a wife than never be a mom. As for going to talk to fertility specialists, I've talked to people in the past. It might be a good plan to be checked again, but I'm not exactly sure they could give me much info before I run out of time to make this decision. Either way, I'll look into it.

I think taking a year off between first and second year to figure out your mommy routine is a really good idea. Research either at your school or at NIH intramural is a great option; not only are research hours often accomodating, research will enhance your resume and allow to you save up some money.

If I can swing this, it would definitely be one of my top options for next year. Thanks for the input

3. Leave of absence for the first year of the baby, make sure you get everything in order and try to jump back in
4. Transfer to an in-state school and have family assist.
5. A combination of 3 and 4

I can't think of anything else that is a seriously viable plan.

BTW why is everybody listing rotations you can't do with a baby on board? She's a first year, odds are she'll pop that sucker out before M2 even begins. The only exposure I'd worry about is in the anat. lab and you sound done with that.

If I absolutely had to do it, I might be able to transfer back home after second year. There are two medical schools within an hour of where my parents live, and I was accepted to one of them when I applied.

As for the rotation advice, I asked for that because my school requires first and second years to go through clinical mini-rotations. I'll be assigned to my next one in February, so I just wanted to know which fields I should request to stay away from.

 

[SpookyDoc]

Because the OP asked....

It sounds like her school has some weekly shadowing/clinical stuff.





She already knows that she has fertility issues; a workup at this point in time isn't going to help.

1. Gotcha, thanks!

2. A fertility workup sounds like a good suggestion considering the vague description from the OP. Lots of people might talk about being worried about fertility of they've had any uterus problems or ovarian cysts, etc., and it doesn't sound like the OP was ever trying to actively conceive before this, so it might be good to get it straight and all figured out.

 

[Flopotomist]

If you and the future child's father are great friends, live together, are sexually active with each other, why not CONSIDER attempting to make a workable relationship out of what you have? Certainly it would be easier if you had some help caring for his child. Unless he is physically or emotionally abusive, why not give the child the benefit of two loving parents who worked through this together and made something beautiful out of the situation?

Yeah, I know, a radical idea, and I am sure to get flamed for it - but no more radical than abortion, adoption or preventing you from finishing your MD dreams.

 

[Zweisamkeit]

If you and the future child's father are great friends, live together, are sexually active with each other, why not CONSIDER attempting to make a workable relationship out of what you have? Certainly it would be easier if you had some help caring for his child. Unless he is physically or emotionally abusive, why not give the child the benefit of two loving parents who worked through this together and made something beautiful out of the situation?

Yeah, I know, a radical idea, and I am sure to get flamed for it - but no more radical than abortion, adoption or preventing you from finishing your MD dreams.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of relationship you are talking about, but the OP did mention that the future father is in the new stages of another relationship.

 

[UnderdogMD]

Out of curiosity how exactly did you get pregnant anyway? Pull out method? Condom break? He assumed you were on the pill but you really weren't?

I seriously need to know to avoid a scary situation such as yours.

 

[UnderdogMD]

I'm a first year medical student and I've managed to get myself into a sticky situation...

Pun intended. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!























Sorry I'm such an ass. My advice is not to take the advice of people online who don't know you. Talk to the father, your parents, the administration at your school and come up with a solution that works for you.