Miserable in my first week of Med School....

[Tsunnnami]

drama drama drama. Kids these days. OP just keeps spinning in circles.

LOL, haha, ” kids these days ” - I bet you're a 100 years old grown-up full of wisdom.

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[Tsunnnami]

I feel I get a lot of reading. I realize you don't have much time but these two books may help you change how you frame things.

Mindset by Carol Dweck:

About the Growth vs Fixed Mindset which from your original post you seem to have a fixed mindset on the externals.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius:

You get to see what the Roman Emporer (who pretty much ruled most of the known world) did to deal with stress in the last ten years of his (which were while he was at war).

You can choose how you perceive this world. If you dig meditations look at reading more of the Stoic philosophy. I think it parallels a lot of Christianity.

Thanks, I will look forward to read those books !
I am a fan of Stoic Philosophy anyway, so yeah, I know some things about perception, it's just that now I have to find a way to put that theory into practice.

 

[Derberry]

LOL, haha, ” kids these days ” - I bet you're a 100 years old grown-up full of wisdom.

Only lucky man can survive over 100 years in these days.

 

[Atom612]

Yes, I know this is pathetic, but I just had my first week in Med School and I feel miserable already.

I know Med School is the place where everyone is smart, but in my opinion, I don't lack intelligence : all my life, I've been told that I'm intelligent. Do I think otherwise ? No, not really. However, I'm aware that I probably have more inner demons than other people can imagine and this is what often times sends me into darker places than others end up being.
For example, every student faces some anxiety at the beginning of Med School, but for me is more : it is a threat to my whole identity, it's a self-bullying question of whether I deserve to be alive or not if I can't be so great as I want to be, it's an existential claustrophobia in which I constantly feel like I'm choking.

It's hard to tell what makes me to be so edgy, but I think it's a combination of never feeling peace inside myself, never feeling good in my own skin, never feeling like I'm comfortable in this world or that my life would be reflection of inner harmony, never being truly able to relax.

It just breaks me down to see everyone around me happy, my parents so proud and so happy that I'm studying what they studied also ( they are also doctors ) , but they did it with so much joy, while I'm ashamed by the horror that I see around myself all the time.
I just can't enjoy living this experience, I see only fight wherever I look, for me every day is a day for survival, a day to prove my competence ( which I always feel that is lacking ), I simply CANNOT find joy in it, I just see a cold world and nothing more.

I know one thing and that is that I'm not going to give up - I'm damn too proud to do it and life is not worth it anymore if I can't pull this out. I'd better be dead than to live on like a disappointment. I'm not so delusional to admit that yes : if I'm a weak person, then I truly don't deserve to survive and I just use up the air unnecessarily on this planet.
However, I would like to find a way to hide my misery from others. My parents don't deserve to know that I'm such a messed-up person deep inside. They couldn't help and no one could actually. I have way too many shadows and I'm way to skeptic to let anyone help me.

I just want to live the best way I can and not hurt others. I don't want to make them suffer because of my pain, but I can't control myself sometimes. I simply don't know how to not show all the pain toward my parents and friends whom I love, I also want to not let it affect my performance as a student, I just want to handle it like a man ( I'm a woman, but you get the idea ).

Thanks for your time.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Medical school is hard enough without having to deal with underlying mental anguish. But from your first post, it seems like the first week alone overwhelmed you to the point of being on the precipice of suicide. Stating things like your whole identity is wrapped up in how you perform, whether you deserve to be alive, feeling like you deserve to die if you feel weak. I don't know what country you're in OP but this isn't something you can just "suck up" and handle "like a man". Those machismo stereotypes have proved time and again to be detrimental to treating mental health issues even in America. Seeking the help of a professional isn't "weak", it requires strength and courage to acknowledge that you need help and to reach out for it.

Thanks all for your kind words, but it seems like some of you don't get it : I can't and I won't seek any professional help.
Do you know what's the chance of finding someone who can help with this ? Close to zero.
Do you know how much time I have licking my psychological wounds ? Close to zero.
Thanks, but no thanks - I'm skeptic about "mental health professionals" anyway. Don't tell me you aren't.

The thing is, I know very well Med School is not the problem. My own mind is the problem. However, I can't just put it in a jar and buy a new one. All the demons I have going inside my mind are going to be there even 10 years from now, the question is what I do with my time. I'm sure it's not an obstacle to achieve success in Medical School, let's face it : many doctors have serious mental issues also, yet they made it through. In an ideal world, we would all be psychologically healthy, but this is not an ideal world and there are way too many factors to consider and even if one would manage to "cure" himself ( if there is such a thing at all ), life would probably pass him by.
This is what I see right now : if I give in to this psychological game that my mind plays on me and I "accept" that I need help and comfort and understand and bla bla , I would wake up one day and realize my whole life passed by and I'd wish I'd just toughen up and achieve my goals instead of getting soft on myself.

As I wrote, I don't want kind words or empathy, I want real effective advice to shake me up, to make me pull myself together, if anyone has experienced this and can talk from experience, because I don't think that " healthy " people can understand - they lack perspective. Not that I would wish them to have perspective.
It's good to be mentally balanced, but you can't possibly understand someone who is not and " go seek professional help " is not the best advice. You all know this. 90% of us never seek professional help, because we know there is no such thing anyway.
I just want to handle my life in spite of my mental disadvantages.

I just happen to not be a hypocrite when it comes to what's going on in the real world.
Most people don't ever get cured - they just get treated.

No one figured out a way to cure OCD, or schizophrenia, or PTSD, or Major Depression, or any serious mental disease.
Still sounds like I'm devaluing "professionals" ?
I respect the intention of these people, but the reality is different. Wanting to help doesn't equal with actually succeeding at help.
The best help is often times the one that a person can give to himself. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't believe in putting my faith in others to fix my life.

Again, I don't know where you're from OP, but psychiatrists are in fact physicians and psychologists also have graduate-level education. It's more than a little troubling that you're currently going to medical school yet refuse to recognize that these are legitimate professions. As a physician, there will likely be times where you will have to consult with, or refer patients out to psychiatrists. Are you going to simply tell them to "take it like a man"? You say that there's no point because they cannot "cure" serious mental diseases. By that logic, should we be skeptical of oncologists or doctors treating HIV, Parkinson's, ALS, etc.?

Now you're talking about lack of access. Do you mean that there are truly no trained professionals near you that you could seek mental help from? Or did you mean that your mental problems are beyond the capabilities of the professionals around you? One will require you to look harder, the other will require you coming to grips with reality.

I hope you take everyone's advice here to seek out professional help OP. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is today. It's not too late for you.

 

[Anicetus]

What can they teach you in your first week that caused you to doubt yourself to this extreme? I don't believe this has anything to do with medical school, seems like your using it as an excuse for other problems you've always had.

DNA synthesis man.... You never know.

 

[Kayta]

I know you said you aren't suicidal but your initial post has me very concerned. If you ever find yourself in a dark place and considering suicide please call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

The first week of medical school sucks. You're trying to do everything and, since you haven't had an exam yet, you have no idea how well or poorly you're doing. Try to take some time for yourself and make sure that you're recharging your batteries. You don't need to read every single word in every single book or make 10 flashcards for every slide and trying to do all that will not help you in the long run because you'll burn out/won't be able to engage with the material thoughtfully. I agree with everyone that a visit to your school's counseling center may be useful and having a talk with the academic advisor about study strategies might also help you get a better handle on things.

I also want to encourage you to look into the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is all about being aware of the present moment and your thoughts in that moment. It can help to put things in perspective and taking 10 minutes just to breath and take note of your body can put you in a better frame of mind for studying. This program was put together by folks at Duke University specifically for busy college aged students. They have some free resources you can use to get you started. http://korumindfulness.org/guided-meditations/

 

[kingtal0n]

1. Life is full of ups and down. Think of a wave in the ocean. Sometimes we have to get down, real low... so that you can ride the next wave really, really high
2. Lifting weight will help you get down, beat your body up and remind you who is king of the jungle (fighting/recovery). This way, you can be on top, feel accomplishment. You survived, and grew from it.