MS2 girlfriend trying to be understanding

[carinne32]

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Now that school has started again, all the same feeling are coming back. He is preoccupied and stressed, exhausted and under a lot of pressure, already!! He takes on a lot of extracurricular activities, clubs, leadership roles, etc. He his such a sweetheart and I know he just feels badly that he cannot make much time for me but he is not very good a communicating this and sometimes i feel really lonely. i do not start grad school for another year and my job has become a little frustrating which may add to my frustration with my relationship. I am trying to be understanding about his schedule but I feel like everything is on his time schedule and I must always be flexible and available. I have not said anything yet because i dont want to make him more stressed and I feel selfish for asking him to accomodate me more when he has so much on his plate. How do i let him know in a non-stressful way how I am feeling? I think we both really want this to work.

 

[carinne32]

MY boyfriend was so inclusive when he started school, inviting me to every function so that i was meeting everyone in his class at the same time and feeling like i was really a part of this journey, this was the most helpful thing he could have done. Things would get bad around finals, of course, but we really made efforts to find weekends to spent together when finals ended. I tried to be really understanding but since my life is in such a transition place (like most 23-25 yr olds) it is sometimes easier than others to deal with his focus on school.
Everyone says that the "significant other" should be really independent and have a full and busy life in order to deal with their absence. It is a good idea in theory. But sometimes, in the slower weeks or monthes, it feels much harder to deal with. I get worried that this is a lifetime thing, not just a med school thing. I think that once school starts, you will feel more normal, that is what I am hoping for myself. Also, studying together until late and staying over if that is at all possible, can be really comforting as well as productive. at least you both can get something done and still feel him by your side during the night. I kept thinking that I need to be stronger and more independent and not bother him with silly things like my wanted to spent more time together. But sometimes you just want to have the person you love not thinking about school or studying, just enjoying being with you.

 

[U4iA]

. After this year, we are definetly going to live with each other. We would never have these problems if we had lived together.

you will probably have other problems instead.... living together is no cakewalk especially when you're busy..

 

[doctalaughs]

I know what you mean. It's so hard to not be with them all the time and have to establish an independence when you are so used to being dependent on them.

Out of curiosity, how old are you and how old is he?

 

[Febrifuge]

Hey, let's not be too tough on 123 here. There was a time when I was sort of floundering in my boring office job, and dating an MSIII who became an MSIV. I admit that I got to enjoy hearing about her day a lot more than I enjoyed living my own. Medicine is cool, it's difficult, it's meaningful... it has gravity and allure. I can understand how any partner of a health sciences student could feel like their own "stuff" is less important, less interesting, or whatever.

Now, in the end I realized that medicine is my bag, too, and maybe JM123 will need to work on finding her own thing to concentrate on. I'm just saying that if you're "only" a regular person, even with a job and friends and a full life, it can seem to pale next to the huge undertaking your partner is doing, with the long hours and the stress and the tight cohort of hardworking peers. It can make the most independent, modern person feel a little like a 1950's housewife.

So the thing to do, 123, is to get out of that mode. You owe it to yourself, and it will help your relationship a ton if your partner has someone who is as fired up about and dedicated to her own thing as he is to his. Ya know? Do not become a victim of "Doctor's Wife Syndrome!"

 

[Febrifuge]

On the other hand, though... I want to say something about this:

Sometimes I just want to get mad at him because he pisses me off, but i can't because he has to study and I don't want him to not be able to concentrate. After this year, we are definetly going to live with each other. We would never have these problems if we had lived together.

Umm... look. If you "want to get mad" but you can't because of the situation, that strikes me as weird. Are you really saying that you can control your emotions at will like that? Or is it that you want to yell and stamp your foot and act out, but you choose to restrain yourself? I'm a little worried about what I'm reading between the lines here.

Because -- and this has nothing to do with dental school -- NObody likes a partner who embraces the big drama to prove a point. If you're having a problem or something needs to be talked about, you should talk about it, rationally. I don't think there's ever a place for that supposedly-therapeutic style of "blowing off steam" when it's directed at someone else.

It's not good for the partnership if your preferred method of airing greivances is to "get mad" (act a certain way) because you're "pissed off" (you feel a certain way). You feel what you feel. That's valid, and it matters to him even if he doesn't show it. You should do something about that -- but jeez, do something constructive.

 

[Febrifuge]

...sometimes i feel really lonely. i do not start grad school for another year and my job has become a little frustrating which may add to my frustration with my relationship. I am trying to be understanding about his schedule but I feel like everything is on his time schedule and I must always be flexible and available. I have not said anything yet because i dont want to make him more stressed and I feel selfish for asking him to accomodate me more when he has so much on his plate. How do i let him know in a non-stressful way how I am feeling? I think we both really want this to work.

I think what you've just written is a very good way to say it.

Maybe you could set aside a little time together, maybe make something really simple for dinner, maybe go for a walk. And just let him know that, before this gets to be a big deal, there are some things on your mind. Here's how you feel, here's what you're worried about, here's why you haven't said it sooner. And finally, you say that you want it to turn out well so you're asking him now about how the two of you should handle things. You lay it out there in a gentle, neutral way, and you ask for his input. What happens next might tell you a lot about what you've got. Good luck!

 

[U4iA]

I think what you've just written is a very good way to say it.

Maybe you could set aside a little time together, maybe make something really simple for dinner, maybe go for a walk. And just let him know that, before this gets to be a big deal, there are some things on your mind. Here's how you feel, here's what you're worried about, here's why you haven't said it sooner. And finally, you say that you want it to turn out well so you're asking him now about how the two of you should handle things. You lay it out there in a gentle, neutral way, and you ask for his input. What happens next might tell you a lot about what you've got. Good luck!

Dr. Phil??? Is that REALLY you!!??!?

 

[Febrifuge]

Yikes! I try to be more Dr. Evil than Dr. Phil.

 

[carinne32]

i think what febrifuge said was really sweet and helpful. I appreciate your advice. Although my boyfriend is still so busy and stressed, i am more focused on myself, my career and my needs and less on him. i will be there when he needs me and hopefully, he can be there for me, too. i mentioned something to him and he gets a little defense when we talk about fitting each other in, but i think the more gently i explain things, the better. thanks again for being there.

 

[sweetpea24]

Corrine, you sound like what I am experiencing. My bf is MS3 and boy I swear its getting harder and harder each day. Trying to get used to the surgery schedule and all. I know he is busy but I feel like he is taking everything I do for granted. Half the time I do not even get a thank you. I understand that he is busy, tired, drained and cranky. But is asking for a thank you so difficult? Maybe it is, I am not sure. I've brought up things several times, he too gets a bit defensive when I bring things up so its hard to because I always feel like the bad person. I guess I'll see what happens when we talk next...

 

[MJTig]

have to establish an independence when you are so used to being dependent on them. ..

he is around these girls ALL day all the time and I feel like they are trying to break us up. ...

Sometimes I just want to get mad at him because he pisses me off, but i can't because he has to study and I don't want him to not be able to concentrate

I have a lot to say to this.
It sounds as though you are fearful because he has a life outside of the couple when you may have been the only ones in each other's world before. Now you think "Out of sight, out of mind?"... With that, you are jumping to conclusions that all the girls there want him and he wants them and why is he with you after all? Then when he doesn't pay attention to you... the tape in your head tells you this is the reason he isn't being attentive instead of stress and really, nothing much else can fit in their brains when in school.

I don't say this to be mean, but its what I see and its part of the adjustment. I have had bad days like that. Its a step along the journey, the only problem would be is if you don't acknowledge and work on it.

When my bf started dental school I also felt a little jealous of his friends (especially female) and part of me worried that with me in another city and all these people who understand what he is going through (and as said, that is sooo valuable to them) I would get phased out. There were times that i felt that i was a failure as a gf because I couldn't say the right thing, or know what to do... and these people might know that better.If he was doing fun things with them instead of asking me up I would feel left out and unwanted. He introduced me to people, and now when we are out with a bunch of his fellow students a lot of people go "OOOH you're Mollie"- so i know he talks about me. 😀 By the end of this past year, it got a lot easier. A lot of it is just time, a few pep talks to yourself, and venting to friends and having them tell you to chill... LOL. Alos, i am friends with a few of the wives/bfs/gfs whatever... and it helps to know they are going through the same thing.

Being independant helps a lot, and you'll get there. I have a group of friends here that I have fun with and I had school, now looking for a job... but I do my own thing. Actually sometimes the independance backfires in that I don't want to push and ask if I can come up because I figured he would ask if he could... well, after a lot of missed weekends and hurt feelings on my part... I learned. 😉

Take your time, tell him how you feel, and realistically- find your own hobbies and friends... because their time is very limited and just because they may not show how much they miss you or seem to be thinking about you a lot, doesn't mean they don't. I say this coming out of the 2nd year of dental school- hell year for my bf... its much better now... hang in there.

PM me if you need.
Novella over. 😉

 

[MJTig]

carinne, glad to hear you two are working on it, and honestly sometimes it takes the realization of their s/o saying they want to back off a lot to wake them up a bit and realize how things stand. (Although, I know you didn't say that to him to just get his attention, but out of an honest feeling that it would be best- which shows how much you care and ARE trying to understand). Like it or not, sometimes we get taken for granted (which is a good thing in that they know we are here for them, but it can turn into us feeling lonely and - if it isn't addressed- resentful.)

As I said, PM me anytime.

 

[DocWife]

I know just how you feel. My husband is in his third year of medical school, but when he started we werent married yet and he wanted to do a lot of things by himself. We moved from the west coast to the east, so I didnt move out until a few months into his first year. Once I moved out permanentely he took me everywhere and now I would consider his "med school" friends my friends as well. I too felt like a lot of his girl friends thought of me as taking my man off the market, so it took awhile for those girls to warm up to me. I dont care how busy women in medical school are...I have never seen more flirting and hooking up and cheating ever in my life. I think a lot of it has to do with stress, but I have to deal with women in his class flirting and giggling at him all the time. It doesnt bother me much though because my man doesn't find any of them remotely attractive and he is super faithful. You shouldnt worry either.

 

[carinne32]

MJTig,
do you ever feel like there are so many fun things you want to do, drinking wine in some dive bar in Baja late into the night, going for long bike rides on the beach, camping out by a fire in the woods, all these fun activities that won't happen anymore. It makes me kinda sad that there are few to no foreseeable opportunities to do that kind of stuff anymore; undistracted time. Am i being too pessimistic. I am young and want to take advantage of every chance I get to do fun crazy things, before family, career, children and greater resposiblities. Of course I can do these things with other people, but isn't the whole point to have these kind of memories together? I wish he would remember all those fun things and try to factor them in a little. Can it even be done though, is it possible? or is med school life limited to study and other school realted activities?

 

[MJTig]

Carinne,

Oh there have been many many times that I felt resentful and annoyed that I couldn't be with him and do those fun things. Or that he was doing fun things with friends and I was stuck at home (sometimes due to school stuff of my own). I understand the want to do them with him! 🙂

It sounds as though the effort of scheduling things and setting aside time for the two of you isn't working... and that can get in the way if it always gets pushed off. What are his extra-curricular activities? Quite honestly, can he back off on any of them to give you time- after all, to me, a relationship is more important than a bowling club on Tuesdays (oversimplifying on purpose here 😉).

It CAN be done. I don't know much about med school becaus emy guy is in dental and it gets much easier after the 1st 2 years, so the light at the end of the tunnel was sooner. Granted he isn't here, but I see him a lot more.

Give the week to let your heads clear - and see how he feels. I know he's worth it, it doesn't mean it won't be a pain in the meantime.

I'll go respond to your PM 🙂

 

[raspberry swirl]

well how do you think i feel? i'm an MSII, and my boyfriend is an MSII. halfway across the freakin country. and the one free weekend i have, he's always got a test. and the one weekend HE has free, I have a test. and when we do manage to maybe both line up a weekend, its waay to far to drive, and neither of us have money to fly. which means i go for months not seeing him. and when we do manage to find time, we're usually both cranky and tired. we can't do our rotations in the same spot-- we're hoping we can do our residencies together. if that doesn't work out, god knows when i'll actually get to spend more than 2 days at a time with him. 😡 and i worry about all the girls at his school, and what he's doing, and i'm sure he worries about whats going on at my school too . . .
but i dont always feel that far from him. we talk on the phone everyday- usually twice, at dinner, and before bed. and we both chat online when we're studying, so it almost feels like we're studying together (sort of 🙄 ). i figure, there's no one else you want to be with, so you just gotta make it work however you can. even if its the littlest things. as far as doing fun and crazy stuff before you "settle down"? sometimes you just gotta do it. but in some ways, i'm lucky. my bf doesn't take school too seriously (in fact, sometimes i wish he would take it more seriously) which means he's perfectly willing to skip a day of class in order to make the drive, or spend 2 hrs on the phone instead of studying if i really feel like i need to blabber about something . . . i dunno- its hard no matter what, i guess. but if thats who you want to be with, you'll figure it out. 😳