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Sorry, this is pretty long but it's a complete story! Thanks for any advice.
Background: We were Chinese school classmates in Grade 12, but no contact for four years other than a few likes etc.. We started dating as a long distance, beginning at the same time as she began med school (late June 2017). I was on an internship, getting ready for fifth year of undergrad, she was getting ready for med school. We had a lot of happy moments. We always texted each other good morning and good night and talked about a lot of things and also talked about Hong Kong TV dramas because we have a lot of in commonality in that area. We always cheered each other up during exams. I would make her sweet videos and she would send me cute gif and cue card using Boomerang. The only problem is that she flirts less and less and she admitted that she may not be emotionally available and romantic. But I kept up with the flirting and selfies and she didn’t mind and enjoyed it. I sent her love letter in September, she replied in early November still saying how this is all worth it. I booked my January ticket to go see her way before and I already planned to move back to her city (also my home city) for graduate school. I always give her surprises and she loves them and she knew I was working on a surprise for the November trip (Nov 22-Nov 26, 2017)
How things went downhill: On Nov 23, the day after she picked me up, she told me that the night before she wasn’t able to fall asleep until 4am. She felt very tired. I told her how she could totally nap at my house as we were having study dates. We still ended up doing 2-hour study date. I gave her the scarf, she felt really surprised and happy. We took a selfie, we hugged. Then I asked her if I could kiss her, she was probably tired and so she said maybe next time, then she rushed out and got home. When she got home, she texted me saying how long the drive was from my house to her house despite it is only an extra 20 minutes since I live near where the university (her med school) is. Anyway, I kept on chatting to calm her down and then she told me she was feeling really emotional and overwhelmed with everything. I recorded her a video just like how I normally would do when she doesn’t feel too well emotionally. She said “Let’s talk tomorrow.”
That night I was already so concerned whether or not it would be a breakup talk. I searched up so many helpful youtube videos from ex partners, now married who shared their valuable experiences of how they went through these challenges and messy times and got through them. I texted her how I was going to show her these videos.
The next day, she asked me whether or not I would pack for AirbNb before she arrives, as my dad is coming home from out of country. I told her I wanted to talk first to see if she needed time and space for the rest of the weekend. Upon her arrival, we sat down and talked and I didn’t have a chance to show her video and we broke up.
(our mutual friend, also her med school classmate told me how she was really excited about me going back to see her. And on that day where we chatted, our mutual friend told me how she felt great and made a few Black Friday jokes)
What she told me and discussed on Friday: She told me how she is not ready for a relationship. She told me she cried last night (I asked her why she didn’t tell me that and chose to be selfish to go through this alone; she never really discusses her relationship problems with anyone). She told me she has feelings for me. She told me how she enjoyed and felt happy being in a relationship with me, but she felt tired and exhausted being in a relationship right now. I told her that’s cuz we started at the same time she started med school. She told me how she would probably not be able to find a better boyfriend as good as I am. She had a lot of fears. She feared that what if I move back and things don’t work out. She said she doesn’t know what she wants. She told me how she felt guilty that I do so much (especially that scarf I believe…it probably made her feel really guilty). She told me she of course imagined our future. She told me how we should have started as a friend for a little longer from the beginning. (We were Chinese school classmates, but no contact for four years other than a few likes etc.) She said we are probably missing a foundation but she couldn’t explain what that meant. I questioned why did she ask me out from the beginning? Why did she cry the night before and not tell me? Why did you decide to make a selfish decision without talking to me about it? Why cannot we go through all of this together? I told her I love her, we can stay as friends but I will wait for her. She made me cry 5 times in a 1.5 hour conversation. That sobbing, heart-aching, and strangling feeling. I kept asking if there is more than a binary option? We concluded that we will be friends but I will wait. She told me that I would probably find a better girl who appreciates me better by then, and not to wait for her. I asked her if she would let me know when she is ready. She said yep.
My plan: I might have girlfriends on and off these coming years, but once I am ready and feel better, I want to reach out to her again and support her during exams etc. just like how I did when we were together, i.e. make her support videos etc. (Does it sound weird? I mean best friends do it too and who doesn’t like support? Plus she still likes me.) She has been checking my Instagram story and posts (didn’t like them but definitely has viewed record) so I feel like she still cares.
It’s a 2-4 year plan. She will have finished her MD and be in her residency. I will be finishing my Master or in the process/near the end of my Ph.D. Is it worth the risk by then? We would be 26-28 years old when we start again. Personally, I want to have a family before 30.
Background: We were Chinese school classmates in Grade 12, but no contact for four years other than a few likes etc.. We started dating as a long distance, beginning at the same time as she began med school (late June 2017). I was on an internship, getting ready for fifth year of undergrad, she was getting ready for med school. We had a lot of happy moments. We always texted each other good morning and good night and talked about a lot of things and also talked about Hong Kong TV dramas because we have a lot of in commonality in that area. We always cheered each other up during exams. I would make her sweet videos and she would send me cute gif and cue card using Boomerang. The only problem is that she flirts less and less and she admitted that she may not be emotionally available and romantic. But I kept up with the flirting and selfies and she didn’t mind and enjoyed it. I sent her love letter in September, she replied in early November still saying how this is all worth it. I booked my January ticket to go see her way before and I already planned to move back to her city (also my home city) for graduate school. I always give her surprises and she loves them and she knew I was working on a surprise for the November trip (Nov 22-Nov 26, 2017)
How things went downhill: On Nov 23, the day after she picked me up, she told me that the night before she wasn’t able to fall asleep until 4am. She felt very tired. I told her how she could totally nap at my house as we were having study dates. We still ended up doing 2-hour study date. I gave her the scarf, she felt really surprised and happy. We took a selfie, we hugged. Then I asked her if I could kiss her, she was probably tired and so she said maybe next time, then she rushed out and got home. When she got home, she texted me saying how long the drive was from my house to her house despite it is only an extra 20 minutes since I live near where the university (her med school) is. Anyway, I kept on chatting to calm her down and then she told me she was feeling really emotional and overwhelmed with everything. I recorded her a video just like how I normally would do when she doesn’t feel too well emotionally. She said “Let’s talk tomorrow.”
That night I was already so concerned whether or not it would be a breakup talk. I searched up so many helpful youtube videos from ex partners, now married who shared their valuable experiences of how they went through these challenges and messy times and got through them. I texted her how I was going to show her these videos.
The next day, she asked me whether or not I would pack for AirbNb before she arrives, as my dad is coming home from out of country. I told her I wanted to talk first to see if she needed time and space for the rest of the weekend. Upon her arrival, we sat down and talked and I didn’t have a chance to show her video and we broke up.
(our mutual friend, also her med school classmate told me how she was really excited about me going back to see her. And on that day where we chatted, our mutual friend told me how she felt great and made a few Black Friday jokes)
What she told me and discussed on Friday: She told me how she is not ready for a relationship. She told me she cried last night (I asked her why she didn’t tell me that and chose to be selfish to go through this alone; she never really discusses her relationship problems with anyone). She told me she has feelings for me. She told me how she enjoyed and felt happy being in a relationship with me, but she felt tired and exhausted being in a relationship right now. I told her that’s cuz we started at the same time she started med school. She told me how she would probably not be able to find a better boyfriend as good as I am. She had a lot of fears. She feared that what if I move back and things don’t work out. She said she doesn’t know what she wants. She told me how she felt guilty that I do so much (especially that scarf I believe…it probably made her feel really guilty). She told me she of course imagined our future. She told me how we should have started as a friend for a little longer from the beginning. (We were Chinese school classmates, but no contact for four years other than a few likes etc.) She said we are probably missing a foundation but she couldn’t explain what that meant. I questioned why did she ask me out from the beginning? Why did she cry the night before and not tell me? Why did you decide to make a selfish decision without talking to me about it? Why cannot we go through all of this together? I told her I love her, we can stay as friends but I will wait for her. She made me cry 5 times in a 1.5 hour conversation. That sobbing, heart-aching, and strangling feeling. I kept asking if there is more than a binary option? We concluded that we will be friends but I will wait. She told me that I would probably find a better girl who appreciates me better by then, and not to wait for her. I asked her if she would let me know when she is ready. She said yep.
My plan: I might have girlfriends on and off these coming years, but once I am ready and feel better, I want to reach out to her again and support her during exams etc. just like how I did when we were together, i.e. make her support videos etc. (Does it sound weird? I mean best friends do it too and who doesn’t like support? Plus she still likes me.) She has been checking my Instagram story and posts (didn’t like them but definitely has viewed record) so I feel like she still cares.
It’s a 2-4 year plan. She will have finished her MD and be in her residency. I will be finishing my Master or in the process/near the end of my Ph.D. Is it worth the risk by then? We would be 26-28 years old when we start again. Personally, I want to have a family before 30.
