Sorry to rattle off of an unrelated convo from way up the page, I couldn't resist cause there were truth bombs.
I can really relate to this line:
And all that stuff about having been following this particular path since childhood--It pretty much sums up the line of thinking I had in undergrad.
As an undergraduate, my greatest fear was failure. Every time I struggled, all I could think about was the possibility of failing at my goal, disappointing everyone (or really just disappointing myself, by not being able to go as "far" as I wanted to). Back then I sometimes wished I didn't want this, that I could be satisfied with getting a BS and be done with it--then I wouldn't have to deal with the extra academic pressure from parents and professional school. But I did/do still want this, so I pushed on.
Now...haha, I don't even really worry about "failure" anymore, but I do fear falling behind into a slump. 3 years out of undergrad, 2 application attempts...I already knew this cycle was pretty much over for me and didn't mind, was already anticipating a 3rd. Once I got the final confirmation last week, though, something set in all at once. It hit me that I'll definitely have to spend yet
another year on
another application. That's only after I finish this semester, the 2nd of 4, for a second degree which I pursued to help improve said applications. And then once my attempts are successful, I'll have to go through at least 4
more years of schooling to finally reach the endpoint goal (of...working). So I guess my question wasn't so much
"is this the path I truly want", but more
"what am I doing and what is the point of it all?"
I'll be turning 25 late next month, and have essentially spent my lifetime in school. I'm not getting any younger. I wanted to get on with life and pursue my career goal, but I also found the idea physically and emotionally exhausting (school...gather materials...apply...more school). Still didn't desire to change that goal though, so I felt stuck in some kind of catch-22. I spent a night full of those defeatist thoughts, but the next day once my head was cleared, I decided "you know what? yeah, I
can do it. I'm doing it." I can make it through another week, month, year and app, just like I did the last. Whatever happens after that will happen, but for now I can just focus on this school, and outside interests, until next app cycle rolls around and I can feel great about how far I've come since my undergrad days.
aaaand dang, didn't mean for it to get this thick. It's almost 2am and I have kennel duty at 7 but