RANT HERE thread

[dolphin106258]

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That feel 🙁 I'm here if you ever need to talk

*Hugs*

Sorry dolph <3
Likewise here if you need an ear. Otherwise I can vouch for coop. She's a good one.

Thanks peeps, it’s funny I was decently okay then I got on today and had more feelings about people’s feelings on here too...but I’ve tried to keep my mouth closed

 

[Coopah]

Thanks peeps, it’s funny I was decently okay then I got on today and had more feelings about people’s feelings on here too...but I’ve tried to keep my mouth closed

It's ok, vent when you need to. My inbox is always open and I NEVER judge. Don't bottle it up. We love and support you

 

[orca2011]

Taxes are my jam! Yes claim deductions! Basically turbo tax. Federal tax you file for free, but if you pay income tax in your state, I believe DE is one, you have to pay to file your state tax. If you really don't want to do it yourself or it's too complicated you can go to a service like H&R block. Honestly doing it yourself is better though. Lmk if you have specific questions

Last year if you had a card through Capital One, they covered the fees for H&R block. I think they did...I just know i was going to use Turbo Tax and then switched to them for some reason. Not sure if it'll be the same this year.

 

[Coopah]

Last year if you had a card through Capital One, they covered the fees for H&R block. I think they did...I just know i was going to use Turbo Tax and then switched to them for some reason. Not sure if it'll be the same this year.

Yeah that's what I use. And my mother because she's a CPA.

 

[Stroganoff]

I have a semi complex situation as I need to pay taxes on my side hustle this year which also means I can claim deductions from it but I have 0% clue how to do that. Any advice/help/sprinklings of holy water/etc. are so much appreciated.

Side hustle usually means you gotta file the full 1040 and can't get away with the 1040A, so you gotta do Schedule C for the side hustle (usually, unless you have an S-Corp/C-Corp, btw, this is not tax advice) and other forms as needed/as applicable. Bottom line, you won't really find a place to file taxes for free. Gotta pay up unless you legitimately do the forms by yourself from the IRS website.

I think I did H&R Block Online back in the day, and the full 1040 was like $40-50. TurboTax is similar I believe.

 

[Emily Faith]

So ready to be financially independent and not reliant on loans. 🙁

(Obviously paying them off will be another beast in itself.)

 

[SkiOtter]

So ready to be financially independent and not reliant on loans. 🙁

(Obviously paying them off will be another beast in itself.)

Let’s just all mooch off our parents until we retire. It’s a great plan.

 

[cheathac]

Yeah I also wish I was financially independent from both my parents and loans. I would like to get married summer of starting clinics but my parents are so adamant about waiting until I'm done (calling me a fool for thinking otherwise). Currently in my second year and seems like it'll be forever until I'm out of school.

 

[KCgophervet]

So that whole nauseous, woken up in the middle of the night to hurl violently into the porcelain throne, thing? I thought that was over after 1st trimester... wtf... I am so tired and exhausted I just want to be done being pregnant.

Side note, just read some of the rants on the first page of this thread and kinda funny how things have changed since then. I can't imagine not having internet on my phone these days...

 

[SkiOtter]

So that whole nauseous, woken up in the middle of the night to hurl violently into the porcelain throne, thing? I thought that was over after 1st trimester... wtf... I am so tired and exhausted I just want to be done being pregnant.

You’re so close to that parasite being evicted!!!! YOU CAN DO IT

 

[killerleaf]

kcough, the morning sickness does get better, usually, the further along you are...but for some of us, it is much later in the 2nd trimester than others. Hang in there...and kinda keep track of when/where/what you were eating when it hits. be sure to mention it at your drs. appointment. there is a fine line between "morning sickness" and dehydration!!

 

[sheltermed]

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

 

[SkiOtter]

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Ok

 

[KCgophervet]

kcough, the morning sickness does get better, usually, the further along you are...but for some of us, it is much later in the 2nd trimester than others. Hang in there...and kinda keep track of when/where/what you were eating when it hits. be sure to mention it at your drs. appointment. there is a fine line between "morning sickness" and dehydration!!

I'm at 37 weeks so IDK why it's cropping up again soooofreakinglate but thanks 🙂 I'll be discussing with the Doc on Friday, helps when I have an appointment every week.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Yeah I also wish I was financially independent from both my parents and loans. I would like to get married summer of starting clinics but my parents are so adamant about waiting until I'm done (calling me a fool for thinking otherwise). Currently in my second year and seems like it'll be forever until I'm out of school.

Why? I don't get this mentality if you both know that's what you want to do and are in a stable relationship. Why should it matter at all when you sign the paperwork? Why is one time better than another? It's just legal stuff, it doesn't change anything or make anything harder or more stressful. I mean, you try to wait for non-stressful periods to have kids and things like that because, well, kids change your life and give you a whole new set of responsibilities that you have to adapt to. But if you're already in a stable LTR, putting the official stamp on it doesn't change your day-to-day life nor add to your stress (nor should it).

Unless it is a financial thing because you want a wedding. I could see that being an impediment.

 

[cheathac]

Why? I don't get this mentality if you both know that's what you want to do and are in a stable relationship. Why should it matter at all when you sign the paperwork? Why is one time better than another? It's just legal stuff, it doesn't change anything or make anything harder or more stressful. I mean, you try to wait for non-stressful periods to have kids and things like that because, well, kids change your life and give you a whole new set of responsibilities that you have to adapt to. But if you're already in a stable LTR, putting the official stamp on it doesn't change your day-to-day life nor add to your stress (nor should it).

Unless it is a financial thing because you want a wedding. I could see that being an impediment.

It matters because I'm in a relationship with an immigrant who is here in the states on a student visa. I come from a relgious background so the dad's blessing is a thing. The paperwork with all that takes a year to get through and rather get through all that then rather doing it when moving, new job, etc. I haven't been in a super long relationship with him (1 year), but they chemistry is fantastic and feel like I have known him my whole life and it just feels right compared to others whom I've dated. Hoping they change their minds by then but if they don't I need to do what is best for us. I understand their thinking, but it's not like I'm in undergrad. I'm seeing many of my classmates getting married in vet school. My dad said that once you get married it changes you? I didn't really understand what that meant. I see it as just signing the paperwork as well and not changing our relationship or love we have towards one another. Definitely don't want kids until I'm in my late 20s after residency or when I've hopefully started paying off my loans. They think that getting married in school will be too stressful that I will drop out? I'll have less than a year to go if I do it during 4th year. Financially I could care less. To me it's more about spending a life together after a wedding than throwing a ton of money for one day. I kinda had a fight with my parents over it during break so it's some stress but I still have another year or so until I start clinics. I just tend to worry and think about things too far in advance. If anyone has any advice please send me a PM! I'd greatly appreciate it and have seen a counselor at school and she has been a great help to.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Hmmm...do you guys live together? I know you've probably heard many people say this so you're tired of hearing it, and I mean it with all the best intentions......but getting married after a year of dating (especially if you haven't had the experience sharing living space, paying bills and managing finances together, figuring out all the trappings of working as business partners - which is a big component of what a marriage is) is a bit fast IMO.

I can see how your folks might be worried about that aspect. Of course, I know people who got married after short periods of time and have done well, just as I know people who lived completely apart before doing so....but I would consider that the exception and not the rule. The limerance phase of a relationship can easily last up to a year.

For that reason I would actually be on board with waiting a little bit more. Of course this is my opinion and YMMV, but I think of all the people I dated for 1, 2, 3, all the way up to 6 years who I thought were perfect during the first year...thank goodness I never married them. The guy I am with now is like a fracking unicorn and we've been together for about 1.5 years, but I'm still giving it at least 3 before I/we even consider it.

 

[Caiter92]

It matters because I'm in a relationship with an immigrant who is here in the states on a student visa. I come from a relgious background so the dad's blessing is a thing. The paperwork with all that takes a year to get through and rather get through all that then rather doing it when moving, new job, etc. I haven't been in a super long relationship with him (1 year), but they chemistry is fantastic and feel like I have known him my whole life and it just feels right compared to others whom I've dated. Hoping they change their minds by then but if they don't I need to do what is best for us. I understand their thinking, but it's not like I'm in undergrad. I'm seeing many of my classmates getting married in vet school. My dad said that once you get married it changes you? I didn't really understand what that meant. I see it as just signing the paperwork as well and not changing our relationship or love we have towards one another. Definitely don't want kids until I'm in my late 20s after residency or when I've hopefully started paying off my loans. They think that getting married in school will be too stressful that I will drop out? I'll have less than a year to go if I do it during 4th year. Financially I could care less. To me it's more about spending a life together after a wedding than throwing a ton of money for one day. I kinda had a fight with my parents over it during break so it's some stress but I still have another year or so until I start clinics. I just tend to worry and think about things too far in advance. If anyone has any advice please send me a PM! I'd greatly appreciate it and have seen a counselor at school and she has been a great help to.

If I remember correctly... you were worried about telling your parents about this relationship because he’s not white, and they didn’t approve and said he was just wanting a visa?

Any chance that’s the real reason they have a problem with you getting married? 🙁

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

If I remember correctly... you were worried about telling your parents about this relationship because he’s not white, and they didn’t approve and said he was just wanting a visa?

Any chance that’s the real reason they have a problem with you getting married? 🙁

Oh yeah, that's right! I remember that and how dumb that was (of the parents, not of you, cheatac). If this is the same guy, I'm sure that is affecting their opinion as well.

 

[cheathac]

Oh yeah, that's right! I remember that and how dumb that was (of the parents, not of you, cheatac). If this is the same guy, I'm sure that is affecting their opinion as well.

Different guy! This guy is also not white but my dad insisted that was not the reason why of their concern. If I did it at the beginning of 4th year we would have been dating 2.5 years (not sure if that is still super fast) my counselor at school didn't seem to think so. We've spend the night together several times and several days together and will begin living together this summer once I get my own place. I really do understand their concern but many people don't realize that a green card (what foreigners want) isn't really a leg up by any means. All it does is level the playing field, otherwise allow him to get a job and work in his desired field (IT). He still starts out at the bottom and has to work his way up. Also the initial card they get is conditional (2 years) and can be renewed after then. Also if we divorce before getting citizenship (several years after getting a green card) he's deported. It's a serious matter and marrying to get it isn't so easy like some think. The government does a really thorough job of making sure it's legitimate. Sure I'll never know 100% if that is his only goal but no one knows 100% sure if they're being used in any relationship. I wish with all my heart it was a different situation but I'd much rather take the risk to be with him then always be afraid of being used and not being with him.

 

[killerleaf]

I'm at 37 weeks so IDK why it's cropping up again soooofreakinglate but thanks 🙂 I'll be discussing with the Doc on Friday, helps when I have an appointment every week.

O Congrats! I did not realize you were that far along!! But definitely talk with doctor, especially if it happens again.

And hang in there. I know at this point, it feels like "I've been pregnant fooorrreeevvveerrrr! Enought already!" but it is only a little while....and then you have a wonderful baby.

 

[Skimble]

It matters because I'm in a relationship with an immigrant who is here in the states on a student visa. I come from a relgious background so the dad's blessing is a thing. The paperwork with all that takes a year to get through and rather get through all that then rather doing it when moving, new job, etc. I haven't been in a super long relationship with him (1 year), but they chemistry is fantastic and feel like I have known him my whole life and it just feels right compared to others whom I've dated. Hoping they change their minds by then but if they don't I need to do what is best for us. I understand their thinking, but it's not like I'm in undergrad. I'm seeing many of my classmates getting married in vet school. My dad said that once you get married it changes you? I didn't really understand what that meant. I see it as just signing the paperwork as well and not changing our relationship or love we have towards one another. Definitely don't want kids until I'm in my late 20s after residency or when I've hopefully started paying off my loans. They think that getting married in school will be too stressful that I will drop out? I'll have less than a year to go if I do it during 4th year. Financially I could care less. To me it's more about spending a life together after a wedding than throwing a ton of money for one day. I kinda had a fight with my parents over it during break so it's some stress but I still have another year or so until I start clinics. I just tend to worry and think about things too far in advance. If anyone has any advice please send me a PM! I'd greatly appreciate it and have seen a counselor at school and she has been a great help to.

Great chemistry can absolutely cloud your judgment, and from that alone, I'd say it's better if you waited. I also agree with your dad that marriage changes you, well, not so much you, as it changes your relationship, and it gets harder. If you see it as just signing paperwork, than why rush it?

My friend got married during clinics, and she rushed into it. She now admits that she was crazy for getting married during clinics (no time to really enjoy everything) and she probably shouldn't have rushed into marriage either. So that definitely is influencing my point of view.

 

[WeimMama]

As for Mr. Work/Life Balance, if you find him, please publicly post it because every veterinarian is looking for him.

It ironic that I just posted this complaint because at the end of my shift last night one of the other associates came up to me and said she is going to be helping with redoing the schedule and asked me for things I disliked or were deal breakers for my schedule. I was like "well do you want to know what I like???" and she was literally like "Dr.Weim I've seen your schedule, I know there is nothing to like" 🤣🤣

turbo tax. Your situation doesn't sound too complicated, it should be fine, and there is a free version.

I'm just afraid that I won't be taking advantage of as much as I possibly can >_<

Taxes are my jam! Yes claim deductions! Basically turbo tax. Federal tax you file for free, but if you pay income tax in your state, I believe DE is one, you have to pay to file your state tax. If you really don't want to do it yourself or it's too complicated you can go to a service like H&R block. Honestly doing it yourself is better though. Lmk if you have specific questions

None of this is tax advice

Thank you! Yeah I have income tax in DE, I will definitely be bothering you for some non-tax advice!

Side hustle usually means you gotta file the full 1040 and can't get away with the 1040A, so you gotta do Schedule C for the side hustle (usually, unless you have an S-Corp/C-Corp, btw, this is not tax advice) and other forms as needed/as applicable. Bottom line, you won't really find a place to file taxes for free. Gotta pay up unless you legitimately do the forms by yourself from the IRS website.

I think I did H&R Block Online back in the day, and the full 1040 was like $40-50. TurboTax is similar I believe.

I don't want a place to file them for free I really want to pay someone a fair/reasonable amount to talk to me, make me feel calm, and either help me do it myself or be like 'nah girl your stuff is complex' and do it for me.

Thanks for the input, all. I think I will try turbotax. The only recommendation for a person nearby that I have received is my friend's mother in law who is a giant B and over my dead body will I ever let her know how much money I make!

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

A genuine question then @Skimble . As someone who has never been married but who has spent most of her adult life in LTRs, I wonder....how exactly does marriage change things if the relationship is a well-established one and you're adults and basically living like h/w anyway?

I can see how it changes things if it is a young relationship (especially living apart)......but say you have two older partners who have been together for 10 years or whatever, and they haven't married...would getting married somehow change them? I mean, I can see things like changing how you do your taxes, but I honestly don't see how what is basically a legal definition significantly altering the dynamics of a relationship.

I've heard a few people say that when you're married, since it's harder to get divorced as opposed to breaking up, you tend to work through difficult situations better (i.e. a sort of "change), but I don't really believe that at all when you're comparing long-term unmarried relationships to long-term married ones.

 

[Coopah]

A genuine question then @Skimble . As someone who has never been married but who has spent most of her adult life in LTRs, I wonder....how exactly does marriage change things if the relationship is a well-established one and you're adults and basically living like h/w anyway?

I can see how it changes things if it is a young relationship......but say you have two older partners who have been together for 10 years or whatever, and they haven't married...would getting married somehow change them? I mean, I can see things like changing how you do your taxes, but I honestly don't see how what is basically a legal definition significantly altering the dynamics of a relationship.

I've heard a few people say that when you're married, since it's harder to get divorced as opposed to breaking up, you tend to work through difficult situations better (i.e. a sort of "change), but I don't really believe that at all when you're comparing long-term unmarried relationships to long-term married ones.

Honestly I got married and divorced and literally nothing changed after marriage. We were still living together and still managing finances together. I suppose it made things easier when he was having difficulty with customer service reps to just be like here talk to my wife. So depends where you are in the relationship imo. For you, changes literally nothing.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Something I believe absolutely does change the dynamic is living together, though. It's definitely harder in some ways yet at the same time very rewarding with the right person.

 

[deleted955608]

I'm at 37 weeks so IDK why it's cropping up again soooofreakinglate but thanks 🙂 I'll be discussing with the Doc on Friday, helps when I have an appointment every week.

Oh my gosh, I feel for you so much. I vomited every day, almost every hour until my little one finally made his entrance into this world. It was miserable. I wish I could give you more words of support but pregnancy is just the worst. At least you are almost there!!! And having your child will be worth it. It's a weird, fun kind of love.

 

[Skimble]

A genuine question then @Skimble . As someone who has never been married but who has spent most of her adult life in LTRs, I wonder....how exactly does marriage change things if the relationship is a well-established one and you're adults and basically living like h/w anyway?

I can see how it changes things if it is a young relationship......but say you have two older partners who have been together for 10 years or whatever, and they haven't married...would getting married somehow change them? I mean, I can see things like changing how you do your taxes, but I honestly don't see how what is basically a legal definition significantly altering the dynamics of a relationship.

I've heard a few people say that when you're married, since it's harder to get divorced as opposed to breaking up, you tend to work through difficult situations better (i.e. a sort of "change), but I don't really believe that at all when you're comparing long-term unmarried relationships to long-term married ones.

I've never been married either, so I can't speak 1st hand, but it's something I've been told by pretty much every married couple I know, including a couple that "dated" for over 30 years before marriage (they even had kids and grandkids at that point).

I've also seen it with friends, even ones who dated a long time before getting married. I suspect for some of them, they felt "obligated" to do things once they were married. They were things they did before marriage too, but since it now felt more like an obligation, it was more like work. That's just pure speculation though.

Also the blending of finances can change things. Like when you have separate bank accounts, you might not care that your SO spends $400 on a fishing net, as long as they are still able to cover their portion of the bills, but once finances are more blended, and their bad financial decisions directly affect you, it's a bit more stressful. It's the whole "marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you will love each other forever." Sure some married people keep separate bank accounts, but if you do split, and you find out your spouse hasn't paid taxes in 10years, they can legally come after you for those back taxes (as my ex-coworker once sadly discovered).

Just from what I've seen, I feel marriage does change a relationship, even if you were previously living together. Sure, there are people that don't feel their relationship changed at all, but in my social groups, that has been the rare exception. I think it's said that money and children (how to raise them, whether to have them or not, etc.)are the two of the top reasons for divorce.

 

[KCgophervet]

A genuine question then @Skimble . As someone who has never been married but who has spent most of her adult life in LTRs, I wonder....how exactly does marriage change things if the relationship is a well-established one and you're adults and basically living like h/w anyway?

I can see how it changes things if it is a young relationship (especially living apart)......but say you have two older partners who have been together for 10 years or whatever, and they haven't married...would getting married somehow change them? I mean, I can see things like changing how you do your taxes, but I honestly don't see how what is basically a legal definition significantly altering the dynamics of a relationship.

I've heard a few people say that when you're married, since it's harder to get divorced as opposed to breaking up, you tend to work through difficult situations better (i.e. a sort of "change), but I don't really believe that at all when you're comparing long-term unmarried relationships to long-term married ones.

Agree with you here. I was with my now-husband for like 7 years and living together for almost 2 when we got married. And then immediately moved and started a residency... so I feel like what really changed was life around us but our actual relationship didn't feel like it changed at all. Moving in was definitely more of a change than getting married was.

Oh my gosh, I feel for you so much. I vomited every day, almost every hour until my little one finally made his entrance into this world. It was miserable. I wish I could give you more words of support but pregnancy is just the worst. At least you are almost there!!! And having your child will be worth it. It's a weird, fun kind of love.

Thanks (and @killerleaf as well). I feel like I'm in the home stretch and just kind of all over uncomfortable/tired all the time and then the incident last night just felt over-the-top rude. Like, haven't I been through enough? I'm soooo ready to be done being pregnant (but then also terrified about labor/delivery/keeping a newborn alive, so there's that to consider as well).

 

[deleted955608]

.

As someone that is married, this is really well said and really captures the changes you go through after marriage.

 

[deleted955608]

Thanks (and @killerleaf as well). I feel like I'm in the home stretch and just kind of all over uncomfortable/tired all the time and then the incident last night just felt over-the-top rude. Like, haven't I been through enough? I'm soooo ready to be done being pregnant (but then also terrified about labor/delivery/keeping a newborn alive, so there's that to consider as well).

Newborns aren't as fragile as you think they are. Kids bounce. I've kept mine alive for 18 months now with zero prior kid experience. You'll be fine. And labor isn't too bad. You got this. And when the hormones wear off and you have had no sleep for like a week straight, just remember you are basically a super woman. You pushed a living being out of your body and are keeping it alive with your body. It's also okay to hate being a mom some days. I wish someone had told me that earlier.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I've never been married either, so I can't speak 1st hand, but it's something I've been told by pretty much every married couple I know, including a couple that "dated" for over 30 years before marriage (they even had kids and grandkids at that point).

I've also seen it with friends, even ones who dated a long time before getting married. I suspect for some of them, they felt "obligated" to do things once they were married. They were things they did before marriage too, but since it now felt more like an obligation, it was more like work. That's just pure speculation though.

Just from what I've seen, I feel marriage does change a relationship, even if you were previously living together. Sure, there are people that don't feel their relationship changed at all, but in my social groups, that has been the rare exception. I think it's said that money and children (how to raise them, whether to have them or not, etc.)are the two of the top reasons for divorce.

Your answers do make sense, especially the first thing I bolded. Which is a little sad to me. I think one of the downsides of marriage is that some (not all) people get complacent, because they are somehow more "safe" - and all the things you did because you loved the person become things that you just feel like you have to do. Sometimes security leads to halfassery.

The second thing I definitely agree with, at least based on all the people I've known you have gotten divorced. Especially kids. I mean hell, you want to talk about something that fundamentally changes your relationship, it's that.

 

[WildZoo]

I didn't really feel like my relationship changed at all when we got married, but we were basically living like we were married anyway so it really was just signing the paperwork to make it official (and we had only waited because of financial things). So I think it really depends on where you're starting from.

 

[killerleaf]

living together changes the relationship, because there is now no "buffer space" of your own. before, you go out, and then go your separate ways. now, he is with you. all the time. toothpaste in the sink, toilet seat up, dirty dishes in the sink with you all the time. 🙂 😎😛 living together really does bring out the little things that you will either love or hate...and you get to decide if you can hang with them the rest of your lives together. marriage does change the mindset, from "I can just walk out the door and it will be ok in a few days" to "I have to make this work, I can't just walk out, it is a huge hassle" I'm not saying that this is right at the forefront of your brain all the time, but it is there, and will influence how you interact. I have been married twice. Did not live with the guy the first time around ("O the scandal!!", yes it was that many years ago) so the first year we were married was a huge adjustment. (we were married 8 years) However, my current hubby and I lived together for right at a year before getting married...and we have now been married 28 years come spring. I believe that living together that first year helped. We worked out a lot of compromises then, that still are in effect now..(I cook, you wash dishes; my bathroom the toilet seat is down, in yours it is up; and if we are mad at each other we wait until we can speak coherently to discuss)

 

[SkiOtter]

toothpaste in the sink, toilet seat up, dirty dishes in the sink with you all the time.

Well it’s official I am going to be a spinster

 

[PrincessButterCup]

The biggest thing that changed after my sister got married was that financial decisions BIL made affected her, and vice versa. Finances have been the one thing they've really had disagreements over.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

living together changes the relationship, because there is now no "buffer space" of your own. before, you go out, and then go your separate ways. now, he is with you. all the time. toothpaste in the sink, toilet seat up, dirty dishes in the sink with you all the time. 🙂 😎😛 living together really does bring out the little things that you will either love or hate...and you get to decide if you can hang with them the rest of your lives together. marriage does change the mindset, from "I can just walk out the door and it will be ok in a few days" to "I have to make this work, I can't just walk out, it is a huge hassle" I'm not saying that this is right at the forefront of your brain all the time, but it is there, and will influence how you interact. I have been married twice. Did not live with the guy the first time around ("O the scandal!!", yes it was that many years ago) so the first year we were married was a huge adjustment. (we were married 8 years) However, my current hubby and I lived together for right at a year before getting married...and we have now been married 28 years come spring. I believe that living together that first year helped. We worked out a lot of compromises then, that still are in effect now..(I cook, you wash dishes; my bathroom the toilet seat is down, in yours it is up; and if we are mad at each other we wait until we can speak coherently to discuss)

See, again, I don't know if I really believe that entirely. It may apply to people who just started dating or have only been dating for a short amount of time versus people who are married, but not people in significant LTRs or those who cohabit, in which case walking out IS a huge hassle - perhaps not as much as a divorce, but still significant. When I split with my SO of six years, I had to deal with moving out (completely on my own), dividing belongings and furniture, getting my name off of shared bank accounts, changing internet/electricity/car insurance bills and accounts, dealing with his family and mine, dealing with the landlord, etc. It was a horrendous PITA and I wouldn't have done it if the struggles of the last two years of the six had not been so fruitless.

I would argue that not being married in many cases can actually act as an impetus to fix things. Because of the false sense of security you get with marriage, you can just as easily say "well, I don't have to fix these issues because it's not like they are going to leave me anyway."

Tl;dr it is incorrect to assume that unmarried people are less committed to making relationships work than married people.

 

[WildZoo]

Well it’s official I am going to be a spinster

Just means you have to find one who isn't a slob 😉

Meanwhile I had to find one who was okay with my occasional slobbiness

 

[cheathac]

Thanks for your posts everyone! Especailly @Skimble @WhtsThFrequency Very enlightening in that I should rethink things and take things slower. My dad is ok with it once I'm done with school. I think with the green card in mind is why they don't want me to rush things which is totally understandable. I think the only reason why I'd want to do it slightly before I get out of school is due to the paperwork. It takes about a year for him to receive his work permit so that he can work. Therefore if we got married in 2021, he couldn't work until sometime in 2022. I realize that finances are a huge thing in relationships. One of the many things I love about him is how he deals with money. He's very frugal. Even though he is good with money and saves, etc, it would still worry me though to potentially be living on a resident's salary of 30k in a possible high COL area for a year. Now maybe I wouldn't get a residency, then I would most likely be going into practice and would make a bit better living. But still with him sitting at home twidling his thumbs for a year wouldn't be the best scenario either. In regards to a lifetime a year isn't that much but adding the stress of finances and him being stuck at home day in and day out it could just add for a more stressful start to a marriage then ideal. But if we did it in 2020 then he'd get his work permit right as I finish school in 2021 and get a job so that we could both be working. We will see how it goes. It's a while from now and anything could change.

 

[twelvetigers]

Well it’s official I am going to be a spinster

Just means you have to find one who isn't a slob 😉

Meanwhile I had to find one who was okay with my occasional slobbiness

Yeah, so. Husband is like, "Dang the floors re getting hairy." I'm like, "Oh yeah? I guess so."

Overall, our house is clean and uncluttered, but there are dishes sometimes and hair on the floors and I'm still not sure how to get all the pet hair off the couch... we tend to alternate who cleans things (plus Roomba) but honestly, he would always cave first to want it clean and do it himself if I pushed it. I just don't usually because, yanno, I love and respect him and don't want to be a jerk. And sometimes when he is gone I spend a day cleaning the house like a madwoman because I know he likes coming home to a really clean house. I just don't do it often enough for him to expect it.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Yeah, so. Husband is like, "Dang the floors re getting hairy." I'm like, "Oh yeah? I guess so."

Overall, our house is clean and uncluttered, but there are dishes sometimes and hair on the floors and I'm still not sure how to get all the pet hair off the couch... we tend to alternate who cleans things (plus Roomba) but honestly, he would always cave first to want it clean and do it himself if I pushed it. I just don't usually because, yanno, I love and respect him and don't want to be a jerk. And sometimes when he is gone I spend a day cleaning the house like a madwoman because I know he likes coming home to a really clean house. I just don't do it often enough for him to expect it.

Keep 'em guessing!!

 

[WildZoo]

Yeah, so. Husband is like, "Dang the floors re getting hairy." I'm like, "Oh yeah? I guess so."

Overall, our house is clean and uncluttered, but there are dishes sometimes and hair on the floors and I'm still not sure how to get all the pet hair off the couch... we tend to alternate who cleans things (plus Roomba) but honestly, he would always cave first to want it clean and do it himself if I pushed it. I just don't usually because, yanno, I love and respect him and don't want to be a jerk. And sometimes when he is gone I spend a day cleaning the house like a madwoman because I know he likes coming home to a really clean house. I just don't do it often enough for him to expect it.

Ha! I do the same thing. Always gotta make it a surprise

 

[twelvetigers]

It's gotta seem special when it happens! And it sure as hell ain't gonna always happen. For example, he'll be gone week after next, but that's when I start classes again and I have 72 students this time so... probably not gonna happen.

 

[deleted955608]

Well it’s official I am going to be a spinster

You get to have a lot of cats which is way better than having a husband.

 

[LyraGardenia]

I don't think my relationship majorly changed when we got married, other than my husband is now living here with me, but we had lived together for a year before I moved here for vet school, so the only really new part is him being around while I'm constantly busy studying. I didn't even feel like things changed much when we lived together the first time, we spent a ton of time at each other's places before we officially lived together, and we have similar levels of messiness so that's never been a big issue. we still have all separate bank accounts, but we do discuss big financial decisions with each other more than we did before we were married. I'd say there was more of a shift in our relationship at least on my end once we got engaged and he decided he was for sure moving here. Before vet school I was having a lot of second thoughts over whether I wanted to be in an LDR again, so it was nice to know there was a light at the end of the tunnel and to have that commitment. Originally I was dead-set on not getting married until I was done with school, but then I had to apply three times to vet school, so starting vet school at 24 and having been together for 4 years at that point definitely had me more itching to take that next step.

 

[Stroganoff]

Ha! I do the same thing. Always gotta make it a surprise

Surprised you did your womanly duty for once!

/s for those who don't know me

 

[SkiOtter]

You get to have a lot of cats which is way better than having a husband.

no ill have a lot of dogs. cats give me hives.

 

[Stroganoff]

What hasn't been mentioned is all the legal benefits and assumptions, like medical power of attorney to make decisions and a ton of other things that I don't know because I'm not a lawyer. Those don't normally come with the territory for those who are just cohabitating but not legally married.

 

[deleted955608]

no ill have a lot of dogs. cats give me hives.

Dogs are even better than cats so it is a win win.

 

[WildZoo]

Dogs are even better than cats so it is a win win.