Really bitter friend?

Veterinary Science Graduate Certificate from UofI
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sheltermed

sheltermed

omg idk
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I have a close friend who graduated from the same undergrad university that I still attend. She wanted to go to vet school, applied to only one, and got rejected. After that, she gave up on her basically lifelong career aspiration and went to grad school to become a teacher (the epitome of those who can't...teach?). Anyway, there were clear flaws in her application and application process that she could have very easily fixed and reapplied. I guess she didn't want to be a vet that badly.

Anyway, that's besides the point. She really hates me for still pursuing vet med. Even if I just mention animals, she gets crazy bitter and weird about it. We went to a county fair one time and I wanted to go see the animals. She said, "I don't need to see the animals because I have an animal science degree." ....okay.. I almost have one..so should I not go see the animals? I dunno.

I did my best to be as compassionate as possible because I knew she was really discouraged about being rejected. She gave up so easily, though. I try to never speak about vet school, but it's kind of hard since I'm applying this cycle and it's kind of the center of my life lately. Her kitty got sick recently and she involved me in her treatment plan by telling me about it and occasionally asking me questions. I said something she didn't want to hear (something factual about pre-anesthetic blood work being necessary, especially in her case), and she blocked me.

Totally not complaining, it is what it is. I just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience? And perhaps how you dealt with it? This is a close friend of mine, and I really hate to lose her over this, but I really don't know what to do. I can't imagine how she would be toward me once I actually go (assuming I get in at some point) to vet school.
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My roommate this past year had a classmate who went around telling people the schools they both applied to mixed up their names (because that happens SO often) and that my roommate "stole her spot." Obviously this was not the case; my roommate had a pretty great application, especially when one considers she had to balance military and academic responsibilities.

People can be petty and your friend has a clear case of sour grapes. Now, some people do one application cycle, get rejected and decide it's not what they really want. It sounds like she did want to go to vet school on some level, but doesn't want to do the work necessary to improve her application. I went to an undergrad with a fair number of "pre-vet" people, and this happened quite a bit. Some people didn't handle it well, others applied again.

Bottom line is: her bitterness and attitude aren't your responsibility. You could try talking to her about it; for example, at the fair, you could have split up briefly when you wanted to see the animals, or she could've been a better friend and dealt with her feelings while you two went to see them. It's going to be really hard for her to avoid animals/discussion of animals for the rest of her life, and since you've made animals a big part of yours, it's not fair for her to avoid the topic entirely.

People say stupid things when they're stressed, too.

I dunno, I think you're the only one who can decide how best to approach this. Dunno if anything I've said is helpful, but again, people are going to feel the way they feel. Hopefully she'll realize she's being goofy and behave.
 
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sheltermed said:
Her kitty got sick recently and she involved me in her treatment plan by telling me about it and occasionally asking me questions. I said something she didn't want to hear (something factual about pre-anesthetic blood work being necessary, especially in her case), and she blocked me.
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I dunno what to do about your friend, but ... Your comment probably came off wrong. Pre-anesthesia bloodwork is never *necessary*, whether ASA 1 or 5. It might be a good idea, it might be standard of care, it might be a lot of things .... But it isn't necessary. Lots and lots of clients decide to have their pet anesthetized with less than optimal bloodwork. As long as they are aware of the risks and the dvm made an appropriate recommendation, that is ok.
 
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BirdsinMyHouse said:
My roommate this past year had a classmate who went around telling people the schools they both applied to mixed up their names (because that happens SO often) and that my roommate "stole her spot." Obviously this was not the case; my roommate had a pretty great application, especially when one considers she had to balance military and academic responsibilities.

People can be petty and your friend has a clear case of sour grapes. Now, some people do one application cycle, get rejected and decide it's not what they really want. It sounds like she did want to go to vet school on some level, but doesn't want to do the work necessary to improve her application. I went to an undergrad with a fair number of "pre-vet" people, and this happened quite a bit. Some people didn't handle it well, others applied again.

Bottom line is: her bitterness and attitude aren't your responsibility. You could try talking to her about it; for example, at the fair, you could have split up briefly when you wanted to see the animals, or she could've been a better friend and dealt with her feelings while you two went to see them. It's going to be really hard for her to avoid animals/discussion of animals for the rest of her life, and since you've made animals a big part of yours, it's not fair for her to avoid the topic entirely.

People say stupid things when they're stressed, too.

I dunno, I think you're the only one who can decide how best to approach this. Dunno if anything I've said is helpful, but again, people are going to feel the way they feel. Hopefully she'll realize she's being goofy and behave.
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Not too relevant, but we did split up at the fair, haha. I went to see all the animals and she did other stuff. We were both with our boyfriends so that made it easier.

But yes, this was helpful. I definitely have to think about it.

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LetItSnow said:
I dunno what to do about your friend, but ... Your comment probably came off wrong. Pre-anesthesia bloodwork is never *necessary*, whether ASA 1 or 5. It might be a good idea, it might be standard of care, it might be a lot of things .... But it isn't necessary. Lots and lots of clients decide to have their pet anesthetized with less than optimal bloodwork. As long as they are aware of the risks and the dvm made an appropriate recommendation, that is ok.
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Sure, I agree 100%. The thing with her kitty is that she had elevated liver enzymes among some other abnormalities (I don't know the whole story. I was told that her vets are suspecting FIP - the cat is only 1 year old), which made me feel that the vets made the right move in doing pre-anesthetic blood work in this case. I'm sure it would have been better to be safe than sorry if the kitty couldn't handle the anesthesia. And that's really all I told her. That it was a good precaution to take. Sorry, I didn't make that clear.

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LetItSnow said:
I dunno what to do about your friend, but ... Your comment probably came off wrong. Pre-anesthesia bloodwork is never *necessary*, whether ASA 1 or 5. It might be a good idea, it might be standard of care, it might be a lot of things .... But it isn't necessary. Lots and lots of clients decide to have their pet anesthetized with less than optimal bloodwork. As long as they are aware of the risks and the dvm made an appropriate recommendation, that is ok.
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But pre-anesthetic bloodwork is always necessary.. EVERY animal needs a FULL blood panel work up, including a tick disease panel sent to NC State, a GI panel to Texas A&M and don't forget to test them ALL for Addison's... they should all also, probably have an abdominal ultrasound prior to any anesthetic event, you know, just in case... ;)
 
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DVMDream said:
But pre-anesthetic bloodwork is always necessary.. EVERY animal needs a FULL blood panel work up, including a tick disease panel sent to NC State, a GI panel to Texas A&M and don't forget to test them ALL for Addison's... they should all also, probably have an abdominal ultrasound prior to any anesthetic event, you know, just in case... ;)
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-_- really not what I meant, if you read what I said above it kind of explains what I tried to get across a bit better.

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sheltermed said:
-_- really not what I meant, if you read what I said above it kind of explains what I tried to get across a bit better.

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I'm joking around with LIS... my post had nothing to do with you or what you stated. I know that isn't what you meant, I am just relating the "ivory tower" way of medicine in a joke. :)
 
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DVMDream said:
I'm joking around with LIS... my post had nothing to do with you or what you stated. I know that isn't what you meant, I am just relating the "ivory tower" way of medicine in a joke. :)
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My bad, sorry! I'm just used to being called out on many of the things I say, mainly just being misunderstood because I've been unclear!

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sheltermed said:
My bad, sorry! I'm just used to being called out on many of the things I say, mainly just being misunderstood because I've been unclear!

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Nope, no worries! It happens.

I don't really know what to say about your friend, other than sounds like you two need to have a conversation about it. Otherwise, it will ruin the friendship. But I think you know that already. :)
 
To be blunt: This sounds like a friend you probably don't need in your life anymore. If she blocked you over an opinion about blood work, she just sounds like more work than she's worth. Life's too short for passive aggressive bullcrap.
 
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Coquette22 said:
To be blunt: This sounds like a friend you probably don't need in your life anymore. If she blocked you over an opinion about blood work, she just sounds like more work than she's worth. Life's too short for passive aggressive bullcrap.
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i find myself agreeing with you an awful lot these days.
 
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Coquette22 said:
To be blunt: This sounds like a friend you probably don't need in your life anymore. If she blocked you over an opinion about blood work, she just sounds like more work than she's worth. Life's too short for passive aggressive bullcrap.
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I've been feeling similarly, she [was] just a really good friend, we have history, etc. And I really don't have many friends..at all. So I try not to lose any when I do have them. But this one seems inevitable! It's all good.

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sheltermed said:
And I really don't have many friends..at all. So I try not to lose any when I do have them.
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And I can respect that, and used to feel similarly, but a 'friend' like this is doing more harm than good to your mental health. If she wants to cut the crap and actually be a friend, great! But until then, bye Felicia.
 
sheltermed said:
I have a close friend who graduated from the same undergrad university that I still attend. She wanted to go to vet school, applied to only one, and got rejected. After that, she gave up on her basically lifelong career aspiration and went to grad school to become a teacher (the epitome of those who can't...teach?). Anyway, there were clear flaws in her application and application process that she could have very easily fixed and reapplied. I guess she didn't want to be a vet that badly.

Anyway, that's besides the point. She really hates me for still pursuing vet med. Even if I just mention animals, she gets crazy bitter and weird about it. We went to a county fair one time and I wanted to go see the animals. She said, "I don't need to see the animals because I have an animal science degree." ....okay.. I almost have one..so should I not go see the animals? I dunno.

I did my best to be as compassionate as possible because I knew she was really discouraged about being rejected. She gave up so easily, though. I try to never speak about vet school, but it's kind of hard since I'm applying this cycle and it's kind of the center of my life lately. Her kitty got sick recently and she involved me in her treatment plan by telling me about it and occasionally asking me questions. I said something she didn't want to hear (something factual about pre-anesthetic blood work being necessary, especially in her case), and she blocked me.

Totally not complaining, it is what it is. I just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience? And perhaps how you dealt with it? This is a close friend of mine, and I really hate to lose her over this, but I really don't know what to do. I can't imagine how she would be toward me once I actually go (assuming I get in at some point) to vet school.
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I agree with kicking this friend to the curb. Really not worth the energy in maintaining a friendship with someone who isn't supportive.

Also, regarding the bolded, idk if you meant this as a joke (in which case, not actually funny), but this 'joke' never fails to piss me off. Plenty of people say similar things about vet med ("She probably didn't have the grades/brains for med school, so she went for veterinary school."), so I'm always surprised when I hear peers talking condescendingly about other professions. To crack a joke like that tells me you may not be the most supportive friend, either.

Edit: Also, unless someone has specifically told you why they decided not to reapply, speculating on why they didn't is also a waste of time and pointless ("Guess she didn't want it that badly."). Really, just move on. Part of life, especially in our 20's, is finding the friends that won't ditch you for having kids, being married, or continuing with your education while they become part of the real world. It sucks, but you'll both be better off in the end.
 
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pinkpuppy9 said:
I agree with kicking this friend to the curb. Really not worth the energy in maintaining a friendship with someone who isn't supportive.

Also, regarding the bolded, idk if you meant this as a joke (in which case, not actually funny), but this 'joke' never fails to piss me off. Plenty of people say similar things about vet med ("She probably didn't have the grades/brains for med school, so she went for veterinary school."), so I'm always surprised when I hear peers talking condescendingly about other professions. To crack a joke like that tells me you may not be the most supportive friend, either.

Edit: Also, unless someone has specifically told you why they decided not to reapply, speculating on why they didn't is also a waste of time and pointless ("Guess she didn't want it that badly."). Really, just move on. Part of life, especially in our 20's, is finding the friends that won't ditch you for having kids, being married, or continuing with your education while they become part of the real world. It sucks, but you'll both be better off in the end.
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I have to agree. As someone who will have done 7 years of continuing education (and going from 135k of debt to almost 200k because of it due to interest and low pay) after vet school with the goal of eventually teaching it (oof).

I don't think it was meant maliciously in this case, though. Maybe said without thinking, but not said with serious ill intent.
 
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pinkpuppy9 said:
I agree with kicking this friend to the curb. Really not worth the energy in maintaining a friendship with someone who isn't supportive.

Also, regarding the bolded, idk if you meant this as a joke (in which case, not actually funny), but this 'joke' never fails to piss me off. Plenty of people say similar things about vet med ("She probably didn't have the grades/brains for med school, so she went for veterinary school."), so I'm always surprised when I hear peers talking condescendingly about other professions. To crack a joke like that tells me you may not be the most supportive friend, either.

Edit: Also, unless someone has specifically told you why they decided not to reapply, speculating on why they didn't is also a waste of time and pointless ("Guess she didn't want it that badly."). Really, just move on. Part of life, especially in our 20's, is finding the friends that won't ditch you for having kids, being married, or continuing with your education while they become part of the real world. It sucks, but you'll both be better off in the end.
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She told me why she wasn't reapplying, and it was because she didn't want to gain more experience.

It was intended as a joke, and I'm sorry that I offended you by it. I have plenty of friends from high school and college that I've graduated with who have become teachers, and I only have the utmost respect for them. They're all very bright and talented, certainly no more so than I am (not that I am in the first place). Anyway, sorry again. Wasn't my intent.

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DVMDream said:
But pre-anesthetic bloodwork is always necessary.. EVERY animal needs a FULL blood panel work up, including a tick disease panel sent to NC State, a GI panel to Texas A&M and don't forget to test them ALL for Addison's... they should all also, probably have an abdominal ultrasound prior to any anesthetic event, you know, just in case... ;)
Click to expand...

And biopsies. Don't forget those.
 
DVMDream said:
Hmm, truth. But those tend to be done under anesthesia... usually... I actually almost said MRI instead of ultrasound but realized that doesn't work for a pre-anesthesia work-up....
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And now I am being reminded of an awful case I had where IM wanted to get a biopsy on a dog with 0 platelets, they wanted ultraound guidance to try to get core biopsies but then they wanted to have surgery around to actually do the biopsy (in case the u/s guided core didn't work) and they wanted anesthesia around because the dog's airway wasn't great, but they didn't want the dog fully anesthetized because it was really sick..... coordinating 4 different services at a vet school is a nightmare.
 
pinkpuppy9 said:
I agree with kicking this friend to the curb. Really not worth the energy in maintaining a friendship with someone who isn't supportive.

Also, regarding the bolded, idk if you meant this as a joke (in which case, not actually funny), but this 'joke' never fails to piss me off. Plenty of people say similar things about vet med ("She probably didn't have the grades/brains for med school, so she went for veterinary school."), so I'm always surprised when I hear peers talking condescendingly about other professions. To crack a joke like that tells me you may not be the most supportive friend, either.

Edit: Also, unless someone has specifically told you why they decided not to reapply, speculating on why they didn't is also a waste of time and pointless ("Guess she didn't want it that badly."). Really, just move on. Part of life, especially in our 20's, is finding the friends that won't ditch you for having kids, being married, or continuing with your education while they become part of the real world. It sucks, but you'll both be better off in the end.
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Also, just to add, I was nothing but supportive of her decision. I wrote a glowing recommendation for her to get a scholarship. So, just so you know, it's definitely not what you seem to have made it out to be.

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DVMDream said:
Hmm, truth. But those tend to be done under anesthesia... usually... I actually almost said MRI instead of ultrasound but realized that doesn't work for a pre-anesthesia work-up....
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That's why they go to the behaviorist first. They learn how to lay perfectly still for their pre op MRI.
 
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sheltermed said:
She told me why she wasn't reapplying, and it was because she didn't want to gain more experience.

It was intended as a joke, and I'm sorry that I offended you by it. I have plenty of friends from high school and college that I've graduated with who have become teachers, and I only have the utmost respect for them. They're all very bright and talented, certainly no more so than I am (not that I am in the first place). Anyway, sorry again. Wasn't my intent.

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Yeah I figured you weren't trying to be an a**. I just don't think there's any room for someone entering one misjudged/sometimes even looked down upon profession to make side comments about another...especially if you know so many people in the profession. And for all you know, she was torn between teaching and vet med. Hell, I would make the worst teacher. I have nothing but mad respect for the people who can deal with kids all day. It's exhausting, the pay is crap (something we are familiar with), etc.

I think it may be worth apologizing to your friend regarding the bloodwork miscommunication just to clear your conscience, but the future of the friendship seems rocky anyways. The only way to find out is by talking to her, though. I'm the kind of person who can't not get closure on these sorts of things, lol.

Also, with only bits and pieces and one side of the story, I'm going to give you my read of the situation. Not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you have a history of saying things that come across entirely differently than what you intended. Perhaps you could benefit from rereading that bloodwork convo and seeing if anything you said came off completely wrong at some point. It happens to everyone.
 
pinkpuppy9 said:
Yeah I figured you weren't trying to be an a**. I just don't think there's any room for someone entering one misjudged/sometimes even looked down upon profession to make side comments about another...especially if you know so many people in the profession. And for all you know, she was torn between teaching and vet med. Hell, I would make the worst teacher. I have nothing but mad respect for the people who can deal with kids all day. It's exhausting, the pay is crap (something we are familiar with), etc.

I think it may be worth apologizing to your friend regarding the bloodwork miscommunication just to clear your conscience, but the future of the friendship seems rocky anyways. The only way to find out is by talking to her, though. I'm the kind of person who can't not get closure on these sorts of things, lol.

Also, with only bits and pieces and one side of the story, I'm going to give you my read of the situation. Not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you have a history of saying things that come across entirely differently than what you intended. Perhaps you could benefit from rereading that bloodwork convo and seeing if anything you said came off completely wrong at some point. It happens to everyone.
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I don't think I'll be able to apologize. All I said was that I thought it was a good call and she cursed me out. As in, f**k f**k f**k many times. It was an overreaction on her part, and I'm not gonna cater to that. However, I can completely understand her being upset about a potential FIP diagnosis, for which I've tried to be really supportive (of her, not the diagnosis). She's upset and she can have her space. Still no excuse for freaking out over me sharing my (not wrong or offensive) opinion.

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sheltermed said:
I don't think I'll be able to apologize. All I said was that I thought it was a good call and she cursed me out. As in, f**k f**k f**k many times. It was an overreaction on her part, and I'm not gonna cater to that. However, I can completely understand her being upset about a potential FIP diagnosis, for which I've tried to be really supportive (of her, not the diagnosis). She's upset and she can have her space. Still no excuse for freaking out over me sharing my (not wrong or offensive) opinion.

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Yeah, that's hard. With an outsider's perspective, it sounds like she is extremely stressed about all of this and took it out on you. I can't say I'm innocent of doing that. Like I said, the only way to either salvage the friendship or at least end it on smoother ground is by talking. Good luck, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about getting into veterinary school.
 
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Ugh, you don't need people like this in your life. It sounds extremely petty and not worth your time. It's as simple as that.
 
I have a handful of people I consider real friends; none of whom would take their ****ty situation on me, esp upon getting accepted to vet school. I'm very all or nothing, so i'd honestly say that's not someone i want to spend my precious time on and move along. Life's too damn short to let petty people bring you down. That said, I don't know the dynamics beyond what you've mentioned here. If you truly think this is a real friendship and would feel better ironing things out, then do it. At the end of the day, you have to make the decision.
 
I haven't dealt with a similar situation at all, but it seems to me like she's, at least right now, not being anything close to a friend to you. At the very least I would give her the space she seems to want, and if she decides to stop being petty, maybe you guys can still be friends. I am less inclined to drop a long-time friend too quickly, but some may say I am too forgiving :) Definitely no reason to continue to let her treat you the way she is though.
 
I had a frenemy that applied with me this cycle who wasn't necessarily bitter, but just felt the need to one up me constantly. He would always want to know my test grade first just so he could say that he, once again, did better. Honestly looking back, he was the textbook gunner. The night before fall semester started and we were both about through with VMCAS he wanted to come over. Bad idea. He went on for three hours about his 4.0, how the president of the University wrote him a LOR for pet sitting for him once, and all this crazy stuff. TBH, I'm not even sure if any of its true. He told me I should probably get ready to apply again. In his opinion, my liberal arts major was hurting my chances. I cried forever after he left.

We both got interviews at our IS. I had a brief moment of vindication. Of course, he got in, while I got waitlisted. He found me in the library again during finals week after I tried to avoid him just to tell me bio was the best major, he didn't have any finals, and just basically to tell me all my choices in college sucked.

I COULD be the bitter friend. But I'm going to school that has already supported me so much and has made me feel like instant family. IMO, I have no regrets despite what he has to say. I'm happy and he seems happy too. We will be colleagues and hopefully can put this aside. It's enough. We all have a tendency to want to hold grudges. My advice is to stop worrying about what this person is doing. This is your application. Your chance to do something you've always wanted to do. Have fun with it! It's all about you now. If someone doesn't like the way you do things, think about whether they should really have a say :)
 
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BirdsinMyHouse said:
My roommate this past year had a classmate who went around telling people the schools they both applied to mixed up their names (because that happens SO often) and that my roommate "stole her spot." Obviously this was not the case; my roommate had a pretty great application, especially when one considers she had to balance military and academic responsibilities.
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What. The. Heck.
 
WildZoo said:
I haven't dealt with a similar situation at all, but it seems to me like she's, at least right now, not being anything close to a friend to you. At the very least I would give her the space she seems to want, and if she decides to stop being petty, maybe you guys can still be friends. I am less inclined to drop a long-time friend too quickly, but some may say I am too forgiving :) Definitely no reason to continue to let her treat you the way she is though.
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Agree with giving her space and maybe she'll come back around.

I have not lost friends because of school stuff, but there were times where friends, or I, needed to step away and figure things out. It can be really difficult to give someone that space, and sometimes that does mean you drift apart. Other times, space brings clarity and you can move forward.

As an example, one of my best friends from childhood essentially disappeared after college. I'm pretty old so, there was no Facebook to stay connected. She always had an excuse to cancel our plans. It hurt terribly to lose that friendship, but she chose to withdraw. We reconnected at our high school reunion and are close again. She went through some really heavy stuff when she cut off contact and needed time to figure things out.

For now, focus on getting yourself into veterinary school and fulfilling your goal. Don't let her drama hold you back. Best of luck!


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Don't be friends with people who don't respect you. Point blank.
 
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