So my roommate doesn't leave the house...

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ladysmanfelpz

ladysmanfelpz

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Meant to post this much earlier looking for advice, but now just curious as to what you all think. Original was going to be how to deal with a stay at home roommate.

I'm currently a second year so board prep is huge, especially right now. Last year lived with a longtime buddy, so while I was at school he was at work, but if I ever got off early I would have the place to myself a lil bit. He was also a normal dude and would do normal dude things like go to the gym, or go meet friends for food, etc. He moved out at the end of last year and while looking to fill the spot a classmate said he needed a spot so he moved in. Didn't know him great, but knew we got along well enough and so he moved in.

So I get its med school and studying should be priority, but you should have aspects outside of it too, correct? Well before I get too far ahead of myself, its not even that. I could care less what your interests are, or who you hang out with, but dam you have to leave the house at some point, right? So this kid's study habits are lock himself in room and not come out. He mentioned when he first moved in how he liked to study in his room, and I was like okay whatever, I mostly study at the library so NBD. When I say lock himself in, he prepares food and brings it into room and closes the door, and proceeds to stay into there until next meal or bathroom break, and repeat.

Many might say that, "Oh well that makes it easy cuz he's always in his room." Well we still live together and I want to be a respectful person. Like initially I said hey if i'm ever too loud or doing anything that bugs you lmk and I'll try to change. Well like anybody I like to unwind on the weekends and that opening I gave him turned into, "Hey can you turn that down?" when I'm trying to watch a movie or game on friday night. Mostly hashed that out when after a big test and I was playing some tunes and stretching for a run (I like to work out to destress) and he asked me to turn it down when it was at completely reasonable listening level. Actually less than reasonable listening level so I said no. In fact this was the main point of contention when I wanted to come for advice, but like I said mostly worked it out. But I am curious of your opinions and if I handled it appropriately and how you all would handle the same situation. Almost like a subreddit of Am I the A-hole ha?
So now that it is board prep I'm mostly at the library or studying elsewhere, whereas he is more locked inside than ever ha. He acts like he can't do anything else besides sit in his room and stare at notes. In fact I was the one taking care of anything and bringing in mail and all that, and he received an amazon package that I refused to bring in and it stayed out there 1.5 days ha. He prolly goes to the grocery store not even once a week, maybe once every 10 days (he buys a lot of frozen food). Last beneficial act was I was finally able to get him to get out and go for a run with me where he developed some rhonchi and wheezes from his vape pen lol.

Sorry for the ramble. Just kind of find it strange behavior.
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While I do think it's a bit odd, I do think you should respect it when he asks for quiet, since that was what you both sort of agreed to. I know it wasn't your intention for him to take it that far, but it's still an agreement. If you're too loud, he will let you know. Saying no wasn't the right move. If anything, you would agree to it and then ask to talk it out when there's free time. It sucks, but some people really want a living situation where being at home is quiet time. I would have suggested you find a friend's place in order to watch shows and games or do in on your laptop with headphones.
 
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Nothing wrong, people do what they have to do to get through medical school. If he is paying his share of the rent on time and doing his share of cleaning why should it matter to you if he is studying inside his room all day.
Get some wireless headphones and look for someone that you get along better the next time you look for a roommate.
 
So you are saying he is an almost perfect roommate?

Seriously, count your lucky stars. If the worse thing he does is ask you to quiet down and when you say no, he moves on.... whats the big deal.

There is a reason I never had a roommate and sacrificed in other areas. I like to go home, be half naked in my own apt, fart when I want, leave dishes for a week if I want, nap when I want, watch sports when I want, go work out when I want, open the fridge and know noone at my food, etc....

You agreed to a roommate, and your lucky all he does is stay quiet and study.

I actually sense alittle guilt from you that by seeing him study all the time, you feel guilty not studying.
 
DO2015CA said:
As long as he pays his bills and doesn’t piss on the seat let it go. 2nd year is stressful for all. Unwind when you need to. You are entitled to loud occasionally. You pay the bills as well.
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Exactly. Surprised at how many people are saying its on me. It's an apartment not a library. You get the place 12+ hours a day. I can do things that I like to do while I'm here.

Not knocking the guy @emergentmd . He is a great roommate. Almost just posting cuz I'm worried about his health.
 
As long as there is no dead body smell emanating from under his door, ignore it. I had a suitemate who used to steal food and hang wet laundry in the living room. It could always be worse.

As for the game, if you’re at a reasonable volume and it’s the weekend, you were right to refuse. You’re in a home, not a library, to be sneaking around on tiptoes.
 
ladysmanfelpz said:
Exactly. Surprised at how many people are saying its on me. It's an apartment not a library. You get the place 12+ hours a day. I can do things that I like to do while I'm here.

Not knocking the guy @emergentmd . He is a great roommate. Almost just posting cuz I'm worried about his health.
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If you're worried about his health, why not just ask how he's doing rather than starting this thread?
 
Buying earplugs for myself when I had issues with my roommates and sound changed my life for the better. I very quickly got used to studying or sleeping with earplugs on the occasion my roommates were a little too loud for me. Idk if you could suggest that to him.... but it really helped for me
 
Medschool is hard but it's not lock yourself in room hard haha

Yea, I see nothing wrong with playing music or watching the game at reasonable times at a reasonable volume. You live there too. Just as much as he likes to stay in his room, you like to watch tv and play music - he has to tolerate that. That's what happens when you live in a shared space. If he wanted everything his way, he could've gotten a single.

Hopefully he's pitching in on the cleaning....
 
Is this real? Mind your own damn business. You are not better than your roommate simply because he is more introverted than you. You are not better than your roommate simply because he studies a lot more than you. You are not better than your roommate because he asked you to turn your music down twice.

This whole posts reeks of a sense of superiority as well as feeling guilty that your roommate works harder than you.

Mind your own business.
 
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He in there watchin pr0n


But seriously, this doesn’t sound bad at all, considering some horror stories I’ve heard from people with roommates. If he wants to just stick to himself, let him be.
 
ladysmanfelpz said:
Meant to post this much earlier looking for advice, but now just curious as to what you all think. Original was going to be how to deal with a stay at home roommate.

I'm currently a second year so board prep is huge, especially right now. Last year lived with a longtime buddy, so while I was at school he was at work, but if I ever got off early I would have the place to myself a lil bit. He was also a normal dude and would do normal dude things like go to the gym, or go meet friends for food, etc. He moved out at the end of last year and while looking to fill the spot a classmate said he needed a spot so he moved in. Didn't know him great, but knew we got along well enough and so he moved in.

So I get its med school and studying should be priority, but you should have aspects outside of it too, correct? Well before I get too far ahead of myself, its not even that. I could care less what your interests are, or who you hang out with, but dam you have to leave the house at some point, right? So this kid's study habits are lock himself in room and not come out. He mentioned when he first moved in how he liked to study in his room, and I was like okay whatever, I mostly study at the library so NBD. When I say lock himself in, he prepares food and brings it into room and closes the door, and proceeds to stay into there until next meal or bathroom break, and repeat.

Many might say that, "Oh well that makes it easy cuz he's always in his room." Well we still live together and I want to be a respectful person. Like initially I said hey if i'm ever too loud or doing anything that bugs you lmk and I'll try to change. Well like anybody I like to unwind on the weekends and that opening I gave him turned into, "Hey can you turn that down?" when I'm trying to watch a movie or game on friday night. Mostly hashed that out when after a big test and I was playing some tunes and stretching for a run (I like to work out to destress) and he asked me to turn it down when it was at completely reasonable listening level. Actually less than reasonable listening level so I said no. In fact this was the main point of contention when I wanted to come for advice, but like I said mostly worked it out. But I am curious of your opinions and if I handled it appropriately and how you all would handle the same situation. Almost like a subreddit of Am I the A-hole ha?
So now that it is board prep I'm mostly at the library or studying elsewhere, whereas he is more locked inside than ever ha. He acts like he can't do anything else besides sit in his room and stare at notes. In fact I was the one taking care of anything and bringing in mail and all that, and he received an amazon package that I refused to bring in and it stayed out there 1.5 days ha. He prolly goes to the grocery store not even once a week, maybe once every 10 days (he buys a lot of frozen food). Last beneficial act was I was finally able to get him to get out and go for a run with me where he developed some rhonchi and wheezes from his vape pen lol.

Sorry for the ramble. Just kind of find it strange behavior.
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Different people like different things. For one, if he locks himself in his room, how do you know what he is doing? His behavior sounds normal to me, hes just different from you. I also stayed in my room a lot and didn't go out much in med school, because everything i needed was in my room. I dont go to the library to study, i studied in my room. I watched movies in my room, played games, talked to people online. And noise bothered me a lot too. I ALWAYS watched or listened things with headphones on, cause i found it more respectful to my housemate (if i dont like other ppls sound, why should they listen to mine? ).
 
plshelpvanxious said:
Buying earplugs for myself when I had issues with my roommates and sound changed my life for the better. I very quickly got used to studying or sleeping with earplugs on the occasion my roommates were a little too loud for me. Idk if you could suggest that to him.... but it really helped for me
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earplugs only help with low sound. i have earplugs, use them a lot, use them when i sleep, but it only helps with low levels of noise. i ask my housemates to turn it down when i can hear them w my earplugs on
 
I don’t think your roommate is odd at all; I personally study better in my room than at a library, and don’t go out a whole lot. I know people who are similar and people who aren’t.

Regarding the noise - is it possible that, based on the layout of your apartment and thin walls, even “reasonable” levels of volume are still fairly disturbing? I know that I can hear TV perfectly from my room even with the door closed. I empathize with your roommate because I find few things more annoying than loud sounds. However, the two of you should discuss a compromise - with prior roommates, I would listen to white noise to drown them out until 11pm, but I would ask them to be quiet after that so I could sleep. Maybe establishing times where noise is/is not permitted (working around sleep, your roommate’s best study times, and your schedule) would smooth things out for both of you.
 
i mean the guy sounds weird. I had a similar situation where I lived ed with a couple people I didn't really know during m1 year. Same situation where they were always at the house and never came out. They wouldn't even really come out of room to socialize. It was almost as if the house had been divided into 3 separate apartments. Ended up moving in with college friends at the end of lease and it was a much better situation.
 
Ah roommate troubles. You have a very introverted roommate. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many people, including myself, went through most of Med school staying in their room all day. The room is a safe haven. You can do anything you practically need in there. He’s probably not just studying but also unwinding with Netflix, YouTube, amazon prime, iTunes, etc.

It sucks that he doesn’t really hang out with you, but there can potentially be far more worse roommates out there. What if he was doing drugs and the whole place smelled of marijuana or cigarette smoke? You get the picture. If it really is intolerable for you, I suggest you ask about these things next time you’re looking for a roommate, move out next time your lease is up, or even just find your own place that you can afford by yourself.
 
the only problem with this is you not being able to unwind on weekends. Set a few days where you can be loud and relax with your friends, maybe during friday and saturday night and try to keep the noise levels to a reasonable level on the other days.
 
Med school is the first time we're living with roommates that aren't friends. It is definitely a different vibe, and I miss the socializing we got to do before. However, everyone's pretty respectful/neat and I don't have much to complain about (my one thing is that setting the thermostat at 60 feels unnecessarily stingy. I too consider myself an environmentalist and don't want to spend more on bills than we have to, but when I'm cold that's all I can think about/focus on).

The roommate who is a stickler for the thermostat is a 4th year dental student. The other night I overheard her loudly telling family that she'd just been offered a $250k salary in Wisconsin. Straight out of dental school. With my career goals I don't think I'll make that much even out of residency. Now I feel like the least she can do is pick up the gas bill (*joking*).
 
I’m pretty introverted and conscientious so I can understand the feeling of needing a quiet place to come back to. That said, I did not have roommates for this reason and I actually always studied in the library because I found my apartment an environment that was too difficult to control even though I had no roommates (neighbors might be having a party, or whatever).

I think that you’re entitled to occasional loudness on the weekend or whatever, as long as you’re not keeping him from getting to sleep. Would probably be good if you came to an agreement on how you might split quiet time vs unrestricted time, though. That way, you could know when you need to find another place to watch sports and he can know when he might have to study somewhere else.

Ultimately, you both need to be reasonable and willing to do some of these activities somewhere else some of the time. As it stands now, it’s obvious that you resent your roommate quite a bit and it’s going to be disastrous if this continues without something changing.
 
Naruhodo said:
Med school is the first time we're living with roommates that aren't friends. It is definitely a different vibe, and I miss the socializing we got to do before. However, everyone's pretty respectful/neat and I don't have much to complain about (my one thing is that setting the thermostat at 60 feels unnecessarily stingy. I too consider myself an environmentalist and don't want to spend more on bills than we have to, but when I'm cold that's all I can think about/focus on).

The roommate who is a stickler for the thermostat is a 4th year dental student. The other night I overheard her loudly telling family that she'd just been offered a $250k salary in Wisconsin. Straight out of dental school. With my career goals I don't think I'll make that much even out of residency. Now I feel like the least she can do is pick up the gas bill (*joking*).
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get a $20 space heater - problem solved
 
The replies youre getting are clearly divided along introvert-go hard vs extrovert lines. Ignore the people who are clearly identifying with you or your roommate, their advice is useless.
 
You know how many places have "quiet hours"? Seems like a very reasonable compromise for your situation would be the inverse: "don't have to be quiet hours".

Plus headphones for you and ear plugs for him.
 
Naruhodo said:
You sound like the roommate 😀
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During the winter keep the central low and then if you want it warmer use a space heater. That way everybody is happy. It really isn't unreasonable to say just use the space heater lol
 
I don't mean to hijack the thread and I get where you're coming from. I'd just add that 4 people share this apartment and 3 of us would prefer a slightly warmer baseline setting on the thermostat, but instead she's recommended that we each get our own space heaters/ electric blankets. Unfortunately, my spouse feels like these are a fire hazard so at this point I'm just waiting for Spring 🙂
 
Naruhodo said:
I don't mean to hijack the thread and I get where you're coming from. I'd just add that 4 people share this apartment and 3 of us would prefer a slightly warmer baseline setting on the thermostat, but instead she's recommended that we each get our own space heaters/ electric blankets. Unfortunately, my spouse feels like these are a fire hazard so at this point I'm just waiting for Spring 🙂
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all right well now with some more context I feel it's different! 3 space heaters would probably past the break even point and be more expensive than just turning it up a few degrees. I guess she should just open her window a crack lmao
 
Whoa so this kind of blew up. I'll try to keep it short but everybody had great replies and it was interesting to read.

One thing @CharlieBillings mentioned is that I was looking for a friend and that isn't what I got. I lived with a good friend before and kind of was expecting that same level of comfort, even with a new person thinking we are older and more mature than rooming with randoms in college. That obviously didn't happen but we get along just fine and hang out occasionally.

And regarding the noise thing that I mentioned, like I said we worked that out. The story was it was right after a big test and I wanted to work out. He goes right back to room acting like he's some type of gunner and needs to study right away. I had music going, but like I said below reasonable level and he comes out and makes a big deal about it. Where as I respected his requests before, this was just ridiculous. If I'm cranking it, I understand, but it was fine and I was only gonna be 15 mins while stretching which I let him knew. My point of contention is it's not if you can hear it, it's if it is bothering you. A quiet mumble isn't bothering you and you demanding people to conform to your requests is just being a jerk.

Like I said we get along fine, but now that boards studying has started its hard to see someone never leave the house. I have got him out and running and we joined a softball league as well, so I think he is doing okay. Still not my thing tho and if I ever see any bad signs I'll ask. We actually plan to live together next year. Kinda curious to see what he does as there won't be as much of a need to hide away studying in rotations ha.
 
Aerus said:
While I do think it's a bit odd, I do think you should respect it when he asks for quiet, since that was what you both sort of agreed to. I know it wasn't your intention for him to take it that far, but it's still an agreement. If you're too loud, he will let you know. Saying no wasn't the right move. If anything, you would agree to it and then ask to talk it out when there's free time. It sucks, but some people really want a living situation where being at home is quiet time. I would have suggested you find a friend's place in order to watch shows and games or do in on your laptop with headphones.
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I would've done it differently, but I don't think OP was wrong to say no. The other kid has a roommate, too, so studying at home or at the library is an option for each of them. I'm the type where I prefer earplugs even when it's silent, but if you live with people, you agree to work stuff out and not be petty about "my space" or inflexible (unless it's actually your bed room, sure). I think the roommate can try the library now and then so the OP can relax from time to time in their shared apartment.

OP should try talking about this; maybe the OP's roommate goes to the library Saturdays or something, but definitely set expectations like adults and don't let it devolve into bad mouthing one another (not that it has).
 
Salt Salt said:
Is this real? Mind your own damn business. You are not better than your roommate simply because he is more introverted than you. You are not better than your roommate simply because he studies a lot more than you. You are not better than your roommate because he asked you to turn your music down twice.

This whole posts reeks of a sense of superiority as well as feeling guilty that your roommate works harder than you.

Mind your own business.
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Your post matches your name...you're acting as if his post was a personal slight against you...
 
Sounds like both people needed to be more reasonable/have better coping mechanisms. An apartment or house is both a shared (kitchen, bathrooms, living rooms) and private (bedrooms) space, and it's important to understand that. The shared spaces are going to be noisier or more used at some times and quieter at other times. The roommate expecting the shared space to be quiet all the time, or even the vast majority of the time (during non-sleeping hours) is pretty unreasonable. I get that some people are introverts and some apartments have cardboard walls, but being able to deal with minor stressors on occasion is part of being a well-adjusted human being. I'm pretty introverted and I'm actually more with OP on this one. It's not reasonable to expect an apartment to be silent or even quiet on the Friday evening after a major test for a while. Having to accommodate a roommate for a couple hours per week should be expected and anyone who thinks that's unreasonable should not have roommates.

That being said, this sounds like a #firstworldproblem and like something that isn't really worth complaining about. If anyone wants to hear some mild horror stories about roommates/the revenge taken on them I've got a few that are pretty fun (now that I'm not living them anymore).
 
delimitedtab said:
I would've done it differently, but I don't think OP was wrong to say no. The other kid has a roommate, too, so studying at home or at the library is an option for each of them. I'm the type where I prefer earplugs even when it's silent, but if you live with people, you agree to work stuff out and not be petty about "my space" or inflexible (unless it's actually your bed room, sure). I think the roommate can try the library now and then so the OP can relax from time to time in their shared apartment.

OP should try talking about this; maybe the OP's roommate goes to the library Saturdays or something, but definitely set expectations like adults and don't let it devolve into bad mouthing one another (not that it has).
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Not saying no was just to avoid drama so that the venue of communication and compromise remains open. If the roommate felt spiteful after that, he can make OP's life miserable. OP should honor the request to quiet down, then proceed to schedule a time for the two of them to have an honest talk afterwards. There, they can talk about what's been going on and how this isn't working for both people.

But before the OP does that, the agreement at this point in time was "If I am too loud or am bothering you, just let me know and I'll try to change". OP should honor that as long as there is no other agreement. Your proposal relies on making another set of agreements, but that wouldn't work if no one honors house agreements in general, right?
 
Is the layout of your place such that one bedroom is closer to the common areas? If so and you’re in the more secluded room, maybe you could switch bedrooms?
 
Aerus said:
Not saying no was just to avoid drama so that the venue of communication and compromise remains open. If the roommate felt spiteful after that, he can make OP's life miserable. OP should honor the request to quiet down, then proceed to schedule a time for the two of them to have an honest talk afterwards. There, they can talk about what's been going on and how this isn't working for both people.

But before the OP does that, the agreement at this point in time was "If I am too loud or am bothering you, just let me know and I'll try to change". OP should honor that as long as there is no other agreement. Your proposal relies on making another set of agreements, but that wouldn't work if no one honors house agreements in general, right?
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As I said, I wouldn't have handled it the same as OP, but I don't think him saying "No" was really a wrong decision. I think wrong would have been to get violent or yell at his roommate, but just saying "no" isn't in itself wrong.

I agree with you the ideal situation is quick and easy resolution with plan to talk later.
 
ladysmanfelpz said:
And regarding the noise thing that I mentioned, like I said we worked that out. The story was it was right after a big test and I wanted to work out. He goes right back to room acting like he's some type of gunner and needs to study right away. I had music going, but like I said below reasonable level and he comes out and makes a big deal about it. Where as I respected his requests before, this was just ridiculous. If I'm cranking it, I understand, but it was fine and I was only gonna be 15 mins while stretching which I let him knew. My point of contention is it's not if you can hear it, it's if it is bothering you. A quiet mumble isn't bothering you and you demanding people to conform to your requests is just being a jerk.
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Just a reminder that what you'd consider bothersome might not be what your roommate considers bothersome. If your roommate has phonophobia (whether with migraines or not), a "quiet mumble" or "reasonable level" might be bothersome to them all the same. I'm glad it sounds like you've both worked things out for now, but I think you both will need to compromise if you plan on continuing to live together, because this isn't a situation where one of you is right and the other is wrong.
 
Lots of people study in their room. It’s not weird or strange. It often beats going to the library or campus and being subject to some classmate forcing a random pathology tidbit on you or looking over your shoulder to compare their study progress to yours. It’s also more productive because you don’t have to pack food, can be dressed like a bum, have close access to the bathroom, etc.
 
Scrubb said:
Lots of people study in their room. It’s not weird or strange. It often beats going to the library or campus ... It’s also more productive because you don’t have to pack food, can be dressed like a bum, have close access to the bathroom, etc.
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Vast majority of my M1-M3 studying. Emphasis needed. Coffee does things to a man.
 
Buy yourself a killer set of headphones and rock out with your .... out.
Then ask him to leave for next year. A closet case like that and irregular ward hours are not a good combo.
Some people shine like stars in the first 2 years only to crash and burn, much to my delight when I had to listen to their insufferable BS for the last 2 years, because they can no longer retreat for 8 hours a day into their room to study.
Go hit the gym, get your buzz on, and count the days until you’re free. And if you can, get a single apartment.
 
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