DocWHO?

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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
 

Jlaw

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Med school isn't that big of a deal, its no different than a demanding job except for the lack of compensation. If your SO can get over your investment of money and time then you have nothing to worry about. If you are trying to do it long distance then thats a different story. I met a girl right before med school, brought her along, married her, knocked out a baby boy, all the while spending plenty of time with her, friends, drinking, working out, traveling, and basically doing whatever I wanted and still did pretty well in school. And I'm not smart.
 

italiancowgirl

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Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Medical school is also hard. For me it is worth it. At the end of the day that is the question (for both of you). Is it still worth it today? If yes keep fighting. Sacrifices have to be made somewhere but I love my life of home cooked meals and hugs when I am tired. I have a husband (in the military and finishing his masters), a beautiful though slightly needy 100 year old house, two dogs, two rabbits, a chinchilla, and a lovely garden. I miss a little class sometimes because someone/thing needs me more, but in the end it is all worth it for me. Just decide what is worth fighting for and make sure the other person is on board! Talk all the time about how it is a priority and more importantly show that it is. You can make it just fine. Is it worth it to you?
 

Pacna

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Anicetus

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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
Entered med school in a relationship from undergrad. I'm an M2 now and we are still going strong. On top of that we are on opposite sides of the country. The only way it will work is if you both realize what med school really entails time wise. Yeah we almost never see each other but we keep each other updated throughout the day and if we both have a free moment or Friday night, we may Skype or something. So I believe the best two things are 1) understanding and 2) communication.

If needing physical attention is important then forget about it lol. Otherwise, it will work if you are both worth it to each other. If they aren't worth it, don't even waste your time.
 

fancymylotus

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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
I'm probably one of the people you see making negative posts about med school and relationships.

My other half is in school far away from me, and yes we will end up having pretty mixed babies if all goes as planned.

The reason for the aforementioned negative posts is bc I've seen more than a few relationships go up in flames due to unreasonable expectations, the person that isnt in school not understanding the stress/sacrifices/whatever that go into being in and staying in school, etc etc etc.

Its doable. Just need to adjust your expectations about a lot of things, and learn to compromise. Fast.
 

ndafife

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Are you doing long-distance or are you two going to be together for it?

Its very important that each of you can maintain independent lives. I was warned about avoiding the "puppy dog" syndrome. You don't want your SO to be stuck sitting around home all day waiting on you to get back from school/studying to do things.

I had friends break up for these reasons (not in medical school but working a 60-70 hr a week job). The couple moved across the country. One of them worked a lot, the other worked a little, and being in a new city had no friends, no groups, nothing to do outside of work. So she'd be home alone for large portions of the day (a la a puppy dog) and whenever he'd get home after a 10 hour day (not including the commute) she'd have all this pent up energy and want to do a million things, and he wouldn't, and it didn't work out.
 
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Jan 22, 2016
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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
I absolutely get your concern. Med school is hard, it requires patience, high pressure threshold and psychic balance to deal with the stress. However, sometimes having a relationship might be a disadvantage in such cases. My three best friends all went to medical school in a preexisting relationship and they all believed that they would be able to maintain it and to actually have a good GPA. After 4 months, 2 of them broke up with their boyfriends.

Nevertheless, this does not necessarily mean that it would happen to any couple. In fact, I've read a lot on girlsaskguys.com about maintaining a relationship when people are in a more stressful environment and everyone agrees that it is manageable. Having a partner who understands you and supports you is really valuable in such stressful situations. However, as other people mentioned before, it requires adjusting your expectations!
 

christmasindr

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Both parties need to be mature about this. The medical student needs to spend as much free time as possible with the partner and the partner needs to find something to do other than just waiting for the med student to be done with work. Be aware of expectations and responsibilities and make the best out of it. Many relationships in medical school thrive (even long distance ones) because both partners are mature and others fail due to unclear reasons. Again, communication, communication, and understanding. Not rocket science.
 
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I was married before I started medical school, had a kid during medical school, have a golden retriever. It's fine. Med school wasn't that bad- it was a lot of fun most of the time. Relationship-wise the thing you (maybe) aren't anticipating is that your entire class is going to have sex with each other.
 

teeayejay

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Easiest way to have a relationship in medschool......Dont.

I was on the other side of the coin...
 

LLCoolK

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Don't be too discouraged about what you read. It's mostly the ones that are bitter/recently broken up that are posting. Breakups can happen in any situation. Don't let the words of others discourage what you and your loved one is trying to build. Just 'cause it didn't work for them doesn't mean it won't work for you.

For example, most people say that long distance relationships don't work in medical school, and that most people break up by thanksgiving. In my M1 class, only 2 long distance relationship broke up out of about 11. In the M2 class, I'm not sure how many LDRs started off, but there are a good amt of relationships still going on where the loved one is across the country (I know of at least 6, and I barely talk to them).

People online, especially on SDN, are extremely extremely negative. Don't let it get to you.

If it's worth it, you'll know it.
 
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Jan 22, 2013
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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
If your post is truly just to hear other people's experiences and how they made their relationship work then I apologize in advance. But if you are already having doubts and looking for justifications to end your relationship, then you need to spend some time being introspective and think about whether you really see this relationship being long-term and then have an open and frank discussion with your partner about it--don't just look for reasons to end it.

If you and your partner truly want to make the relationship work then you have nothing to worry about. It won't be easy but there are things you can do to make it less difficult. Since you can really only control aspects from your side, what you can do from your end is to communicate with your partner openly and often, set the expectations in advance and let him know youll be busy when you have exams coming up but youll find a way to make it up to him on the days you're more available.

If youre a woman, do not have the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome just because you think you'll be meeting new people in your class and may find a "better" guy than what you currently have--women tend to experience this syndrome more than men and then look for reasons to end it to justify their actions and lessen the guilt. The grass may be greener but the water bill is also usually higher..
 
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Cinclus

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I was in a relationship for 3 years before med school began. My S.O. moved to another state with me for med school. We live in a house with our furball children. I'm now in my final semester, and we're excited to find out where we're going for my residency. As long as your S.O. is understanding of the demands med school will place on your time, things can go quite smoothly.
 

sb247

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Med school is hard so you'll have lesss time, but people still do what people would have done. Those that sleep around still do, those that cheat still do, and those that stay loyal still do. They are all just more tired and stressed than they would have been.

Second, I'd like to offer the advice of not using your actual real life photo here

Third, just saying....I thought the biracial baby comment seemed a little odd. As in, why is their race relevant? Maybe I'm just tired
 

fancymylotus

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Hi everybody,

I have been reading many really negative posts about going to medical school in a preexisting relationship. I start med school Fall of 2016 and have been in a long term relationship now for a couple years, and was just wondering what has everyone's experience been? From the med student friends that I have and all the current doctors whom I'm close with, it seems that relationships often do not work once in med school.

Any insight is welcome, whether it was something you personally experienced, or a relationship you watched fall apart during first year, or a relationship you saw that ended up in beautiful bi-racial babies, two golden retrievers, and a hollywood wedding. Good or bad, I want to hear about it.
Three years of long distance later, I finally got my ring and I guess when we have babies they'll sort of be biracial? We have a dog, but he's a lab mix, and it's going to be less of a Hollywood wedding and more of a Bollywood wedding.
 

Psai

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Three years of long distance later, I finally got my ring and I guess when we have babies they'll sort of be biracial? We have a dog, but he's a lab mix, and it's going to be less of a Hollywood wedding and more of a Bollywood wedding.
Did u guys meet on sdn
 
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I started MS1 in a relationship and now I'm engaged (in the same relationship)
 

member1000765

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Heh, heh. My wife asked for the divorce 27 days before the end of my residency. Four years of med school, then three more clinical... you will be different people by the end of medical training.
This. I entered medical school straight out of undergraduate in a relationship with someone who was still in undergraduate. It wasn't just the time commitment, it was that I had changed significantly as a person from the time I entered medical school to the time I graduated. If whoever you're with wants to be with the person you were pre-medicine and isn't amenable to changing with you, it's not going to work. And it doesn't stop with medical school. I've changed even more over the past 5 years of residency.
 
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If you love the person it shouldn't matter. Med school can take a lot out of u but so can residency and being an attending. You can't always avoid relationships!
 

The_Bird

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I'm in a LDR long distance relationship where she comes and visits me or I visit her every 2 months.We FaceTime while we study and text all day. I'm also doing excellent in my classes.

It all depends on the people.
Encouraging. Worse case scenario, my SO and I are 5-ish hours apart by car (weekends!) and we have Skype at our disposal.
 
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Long distance gets bad rep, justifiably so. My take on this is you need to ask yourself and your partner a question or two.

"How much of your relationship is based on physical connection and how much on emotional connection?"

Speaking from male perspective, physical connection is extremely important for some males. So not seeing your GF for months at a time can be a reason for physical frustration and search for other girls to help with that issue.

If your man and you have highly emotional connection and physical connection is an added bonus, then you guys will be more likely to make it through med school. Given you talk to each other often, see each other (even if rarely), etc.
 
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I would think it depends on to what other commitments you have. If you're looking to start a business during medical school, do research, maintain top grades, and channel a bunch of passion to hobbies outside of medicine, it might be more challenging than if you make the relationship a major focus. There are only so many hours in one day.

I'm glad to be single during MS-1 because I can spend my free time how I like, doing my hobbies with no obligations to anyone but my parents and siblings. It depends if course on where you find your fulfillment. :) Ask yourself what you want at this point in your life.
 

Reckoner

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I'm glad to be single during MS-1 because I can spend my free time how I like, doing my hobbies with no obligations to anyone but my parents and siblings. It depends if course on where you find your fulfillment. :)
This is what I whisper through the tears before I fall asleep alone too
 

clubwestpua

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Dont listen to haters. If you are attractive enough, you get to meet people and dating them could be helpful for medschool.

I met my gf while i was studying. She is a graduate student. She came to me and asked me to give her my number. We are currently dating and she and i study all day. And She lets me have every power and authority. I get to sleep with her whenever i want and she does everything i ask and i dont have to do anything in return. She also cooks for me too.

As a male med student, this type of gf is certainly helpful. Not sure whether shes good enough for marriage though.
 

Reckoner

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Dont listen to haters. If you are attractive enough, you get to meet people and dating them could be helpful for medschool.

I met my gf while i was studying. She is a graduate student. She came to me and asked me to give her my number. We are currently dating and she and i study all day. And She lets me have every power and authority. I get to sleep with her whenever i want and she does everything i ask and i dont have to do anything in return. She also cooks for me too.

As a male med student, this type of gf is certainly helpful. Not sure whether shes good enough for marriage though.
Does she clean your fedora and trim your neck beard as well?
 

clubwestpua

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Does she clean your fedora and trim your neck beard as well?
Whats fedora?

If you are a male medical student or anything above, don't be desperate by just hitting on your female classmates. They are mostly subpar looking and yet bossy. Women in other less competitive fields are far better looking and are willing to treat you like prince. And they are desperate to do this for you. Not sure whether they are still willing to do this when you marry one of them, but having a hot girl treating you like a prince is surely relieve stress and reinforce your ego and confidence.
 
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Psai

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Dont listen to haters. If you are attractive enough, you get to meet people and dating them could be helpful for medschool.

I met my gf while i was studying. She is a graduate student. She came to me and asked me to give her my number. We are currently dating and she and i study all day. And She lets me have every power and authority. I get to sleep with her whenever i want and she does everything i ask and i dont have to do anything in return. She also cooks for me too.

As a male med student, this type of gf is certainly helpful. Not sure whether shes good enough for marriage though.
I'm not seeing why you wouldn't marry her
 

oOKawaiiOo

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Dont listen to haters. If you are attractive enough, you get to meet people and dating them could be helpful for medschool.

I met my gf while i was studying. She is a graduate student. She came to me and asked me to give her my number. We are currently dating and she and i study all day. And She lets me have every power and authority. I get to sleep with her whenever I want and she does everything I ask and I dont have to do anything in return. She also cooks for me too.

As a male med student, this type of gf is certainly helpful. Not sure whether shes good enough for marriage though.
Sounds like you want a trophy wife..... nothing wrong that.
 

fancymylotus

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Dont listen to haters. If you are attractive enough, you get to meet people and dating them could be helpful for medschool.

I met my gf while i was studying. She is a graduate student. She came to me and asked me to give her my number. We are currently dating and she and i study all day. And She lets me have every power and authority. I get to sleep with her whenever i want and she does everything i ask and i dont have to do anything in return. She also cooks for me too.

As a male med student, this type of gf is certainly helpful. Not sure whether shes good enough for marriage though.

How did I miss this gem?!
 

clubwestpua

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well everyone has their own preference. I am sure there are women who want obedient bfs and husbands.
Based on my exp, I like hot girls with obedience. I don't like subpar looking girls with dominant attitude.

Just be confident and tell women what you want. Some may refuse your offer but some will gladly take your offer.

Being a doctor's wife is also pretty competitive. Doctors wives get jealousy from every neighboring wife and at the same time, they becomes a leader in the neighborhood. They get free lifetime healthcare for all of their family members. their children will inherit smart genes as well. They can get all these and all they have to do is to be good in bed and kitchen.
 
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darknecrosforte

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well everyone has their own preference. I am sure there are women who want obedient bfs and husbands.
Based on my exp, I like hot girls with obedience. I don't like subpar looking girls with dominant attitude.

Just be confident and tell women what you want. Some may refuse your offer but some will gladly take your offer.

Being a doctor's wife is also pretty competitive. Doctors wives get jealousy from every neighboring wife and at the same time, they becomes a leader in the neighborhood. They get free lifetime healthcare for all of their family members. their children will inherit smart genes as well. They can get all these and all they have to do is to be good in bed and kitchen.
This is similar to dependa culture seen in military marriages. Considering that the payout is higher when being married to a physician compared to active duty service members, what you said makes sense. Genes for intelligence are a bit more variable than you imply (Richard Dawkins, The Bell Curve) but there are substantial incentives to marry a physician. It also attracts spouses who prefer their partner to be away for extended periods of time, which can be bad.

It is refreshing enough to see an unpopular, but valid opinion that I'll overlook the semi-troll nature of the post.
 
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clubwestpua

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It's more like, GL to him when (if she exists) she takes him for all he's worth and leaves him broke, ugly, and celibate at 50ish.
Highly unlikely. Divorce happens due to competition, power struggle, mistrust, and money. This is why half of modern marriages fail. My gf with somewhat traditional mindset is obedient and knows her place and is grateful for it.

Some men and women just know how to get what they want. Again. I have no trouble with subpar looking yet dominant women who want obedient guys. They will just be my friends at most though. This isnt sexism. Its about being honest
 
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fancymylotus

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well everyone has their own preference. I am sure there are women who want obedient bfs and husbands.
Based on my exp, I like hot girls with obedience. I don't like subpar looking girls with dominant attitude.

Just be confident and tell women what you want. Some may refuse your offer but some will gladly take your offer.

Being a doctor's wife is also pretty competitive. Doctors wives get jealousy from every neighboring wife and at the same time, they becomes a leader in the neighborhood. They get free lifetime healthcare for all of their family members. their children will inherit smart genes as well. They can get all these and all they have to do is to be good in bed and kitchen.
I didn't realize that being a doctors wife was some life goal that women chase after.

Also, you sound like you belong on trp. You aren't going to find much support here on SDN when you say things like women can get everything they want if they **** good and cook good too.
 

Psai

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I didn't realize that being a doctors wife was some life goal that women chase after.

Also, you sound like you belong on trp. You aren't going to find much support here on SDN when you say things like women can get everything they want if they **** good and cook good too.
I dunno, I hear nurses talking about girls straight out of nursing school that never end up working a shift in the hospital
 

fancymylotus

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I dunno, I hear nurses talking about girls straight out of nursing school that never end up working a shift in the hospital

Yeah, but they're nurses. Excuse my ignorance, but isn't that sort of the running joke about them?
 
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fancymylotus

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You do realize clubwestpua refers to SOME women and individual preference and admits that he isn't referring to every woman. In fact, SJW-aligned comments that supposedly "empower" women are much more sexist because they attempt to make generalizations on a larger scale. And THEN the comment about nursing stereotypes. Be consistent. Are sexist/other-ist generalities bad or nah?

I'm not the one who brought the nursing thing up.