Things I Learn From My Patients

Started by docB
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I'm not in the medical field at all but I have completely enjoyed this thread!

I have done my best to keep mysself and my kids out of our local ED (knocks wood) but wanted to say thanks for all you do and the care you give!!

Happy Holidays to you and yours
 
1. Burn your hand with some "crappy cooking oil from the food shelf."
2. Pop blister.
3. Go to urgent care three days later. Make sure you're really drunk and high. Also make sure you smoke so much before going that you stink up the whole room with that unforgettable cigarette smell.
4. After the nurse is done cleaning your wound and is just about to dress it, by all means, answer your cell phone and start chatting away.
5. After getting off the phone, raise hell because the nurse left the room while you were on the phone.
6. When another nurse says, "We're not going to dress your wound while you're on the phone," retort, "I wasn't on the phone... but I got a phone call."
7. Then, just become belligerent. Demand that someone dress your wound while the staff is trying to 911 a stroke patient out, call the security guard an a-hole, and demand someone give you a prescription "to take to another hospital."
 
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If you bring your 58 year old dad to your bachelor party and he starts to turn gray, sweaty and clutches his chest saying "I think I'm going to die!" It would be best to call for help rather than more beer and another lap dance. You shoulc also not argue with the bouncer because he called 911. First arguing with bouncers always ends badly and second he clearly has the only functioning brain cell between the lot of you.
 
docB said:
If you bring your 58 year old dad to your bachelor party and he starts to turn gray, sweaty and clutches his chest saying "I think I'm going to die!" It would be best to call for help rather than more beer and another lap dance.
Click to expand...

Hell, I thought that a big reason 58 year olds went to bachelor parties in Vegas was to die drunk with a lap dance and quite happy.

Take care,
Jeff
 
An aquanet bottle in the bum was my wife's first patient on her first day of her nursing job....made quite the welcome into emergency medicine...

When I was an intern had a lady who was mad at some crotch rockets that were speeding down her road, so she stepped on the road to swing a pitch fork at them. The driver of the bike swerved, hit her and sent her to the ICU with a epidural.....
 
Midwest Medic said:
When I was an intern had a lady who was mad at some crotch rockets that were speeding down her road, so she stepped on the road to swing a pitch fork at them. The driver of the bike swerved, hit her and sent her to the ICU with a epidural.....
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Hard to feel bad for her. Swinging a damn pitchfork at someone riding a sportbike? Seriously? 🙄
 
Midwest Medic said:
When I was an intern had a lady who was mad at some crotch rockets that were speeding down her road, so she stepped on the road to swing a pitch fork at them. The driver of the bike swerved, hit her and sent her to the ICU with a epidural.....
Click to expand...

I feel like I've heard this story somewhere else, only the lady with the pitchfork won, and upon investigation, the bikes were determined to be going the speed limit.
 
I was cleaning out my bookmarks and this was in there from years ago!

I haven't read this thread in years and it was great to see it's still going.

I wanted to let you all know the terms "SOCMOB" and "some dudes/two dudes" are used all the time in my house.. even my kids say "The other day, Joey was SOCMOB, reading a bible..." 😆
 
Just got out of the room of a 22 y/o male who has a chief complaint of "I feel funny after smoking pot and doing a hit of ecstasy." Idiot... Now I don't care what you do at your house, just don't do something that makes me have to see your loser face in my ER during a busy night shift. Especially if you are a self pay.
 
Midwest Medic said:
Just got out of the room of a 22 y/o male who has a chief complaint of "I feel funny after smoking pot and doing a hit of ecstasy." Idiot...
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Yeah... isn't "feeling funny" kind of the point of smoking pot and taking Ecstasy?

Not that I would know. I've never done either one. 😛
 
Not an ER story as I'm in the ICU at the moment, but I have something that I feel the need to share. We just got a guy whose history includes the following lovely line:

"Reportedly eats own feces"






I'm sure there are worse phrases that can show up on a pt's chart... but few that can cause this specific mixture of dismay, resignation, and morbid curiosity.

Gonna be a long night.
 
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CC: 18 yo M shot self in hand with BB gun because he wanted to know what it feels like

Sigh....I learned BB gun wound is a mandatory firearm injury report.
 
Maryse said:
Oh! That reminds me! I also learned on that visit that the ultrasound guys just cannot be trusted. A woman MUST be present during a transvag ultrasound to protect the patient's honor. You never know, those wild crazy men in ultrasound might actually enjoy the procedure a little too much. The vast quantity of blood pooled underneath the patient is just an extra turn-on. [/sarcasm]
Click to expand...

The female chaperone isn't just to protect the patient's "honor" - the female chaperone is also there to protect the ultrasound tech's bank account.....

Few things burn through your savings account like a sexual harrassment lawsuit. It's even more frustrating when you didn't actually do anything, but the patient is looking to make a fast buck.

On that note....

I learned today that there are patients who are so afraid of enclosed spaces, that they'd rather have the speculum and pelvic exam done with the door OPEN. 😕
 
Yesterday I learned that cord compression will probably just get better and isn't really anything to worry about. No need to call your doctor, just go about your business and when you show up to your IR appointment to get your line put in for stem cell collection for your bone marrow transplant, act shocked when somebody points out that not being able to walk (or even wiggle your toes) isn't normal and you really need to get checked out.
 
Today I learned from my middle aged female patient that being a medical student is what you do when you are training to be a CNA.

I also learned from this same wise person, that on the other hand you can be a nineteen year old male (her son) and be 'studying medicine' in the local state college.

I am so grateful for her help in understanding my correct place in the world!

🙂

PS - Peerie is a female.
 
Ok, here's another one!

I also learned today that if you present with supra-pubic pain and a history of self-catheterizations and chronic UTI's from a neurogenic bladder from congenital spinal deformities and also bilateral BKA, that it is really acceptable to grab your private parts and vigorously - uh, 'soothe' them in a methodical gesture in front of the female medical student who is patiently trying to take a professional H&P.

Nevermind that you are a big honking dope head, with one of those freaking big hole-rings in your earlobe and a back full of elaborate tats. Go ahead, give yourself a real work out and please! go to town. Don't let me stop you even tho I politely ask you if you are in any discomfort. And by all means, keep insisting LOUDLY that we get you VERY strong pain meds because your pain is just unbearable.

I also leaned that it is also somehow part of the therapeutic process to attempt to pull your pants down in front of said medical student, and failing that to then pull your gown top down to more fully display your attractiveness while she attempts to listen to your heart and lungs.
 
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Recently learned you should never let the dietary department give patients cartons of milk from the brand PET because you will be threatened by the family after being accused of ordering their loved one milk for animals.
 
Dukes said:
Recently learned you should never let the dietary department give patients cartons of milk from the brand PET because you will be threatened by the family after being accused of ordering their loved one milk for animals.
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I'm amazed anyone stupid enough to make such an accusation could read the carton.
 
If you are not having satisfaction breast feeding your new infant, try your kitten. That chewed up nipple sporting a tense abscess has a certain creative symmetry with the perfectly even scratches around your areola.

And no, I don't think this is a mastitis you should "keep feeding through".
 
Dukes said:
Recently learned you should never let the dietary department give patients cartons of milk from the brand PET because you will be threatened by the family after being accused of ordering their loved one milk for animals.
Click to expand...

Wow, what unbelievable ignorance lol.
 
Hayduke said:
If you are not having satisfaction breast feeding your new infant, try your kitten. That chewed up nipple sporting a tense abscess has a certain creative symmetry with the perfectly even scratches around your areola.

And no, I don't think this is a mastitis you should "keep feeding through".
Click to expand...

:barf: That is really, really, really gross.
 
Post #1000

I learned that if your two year old child has midline abnormalities, developmental delay, and epilepsy, you can withhold anti-epileptic drugs because they make the child drowzy. You don't need to consult the neurologist about that. When your child starts seizing for the second time within a couple of hours, you should attempt to abort the seizure by throwing the kid in the shower. Subsequently, you should bring the child to the ED whenever it's conventient for you.
 
Hayduke said:
If you are not having satisfaction breast feeding your new infant, try your kitten. That chewed up nipple sporting a tense abscess has a certain creative symmetry with the perfectly even scratches around your areola.

And no, I don't think this is a mastitis you should "keep feeding through".
Click to expand...

:wtf:
^definitely an appropriate case for the new wtf smiley
 
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If you have polysubstance abuse and deliver a premature child with fetal alcohol syndrome and multiple abnormalities you should insist on breast feeding.
 
64yo M w/ chest pain: It turns out heroin is not an appropriate adjunct to MONA, but gave him two whole days of peace of mind before coming in with a STEMI my kids could recognize. Still in the ICU. So, I'll scratch heroin off of my list of appropriate cardiac drugs.
 
Hey All! Pre-med EMT-B/ER Tech. I love this thread and all the stories, you all have provided me with endless hours of procrastination.

Just thought I'd share...I recently saw a case where morbid obesity SAVED a persons life. If you're going to piss off your best friend by insulting his woman, definitely make sure that you weigh 450+ pounds so that when he tries to filet you with a hunting knife you walk out of the ER three hours later. Without stitches.
Seriously. If that dude had been of normal weight he would have brought his intestines in on his lap.

Also, if you're going to pleasure yourself while peeping outside a hotel window, watch what you're doing. When you accidentally put your lubed up fist through the window, the cops will be escorting you to the ER...not the ambulance.
 
As a working paramedic I have one piece of advice for all (potential) patients...

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the medics.

I'm able to relate this in one way or another to virtually 75% of my calls.
 
Midwest Medic said:
Just got out of the room of a 22 y/o male who has a chief complaint of "I feel funny after smoking pot and doing a hit of ecstasy." Idiot... Now I don't care what you do at your house, just don't do something that makes me have to see your loser face in my ER during a busy night shift. Especially if you are a self pay.
Click to expand...

*sigh* typical Friday or Saturday night calls on the road here in Toronto
 
Please, please, please come into the ER complaining of abd pain and "got the farts" at 0200 when you tell our triage nurse that your dinner consisted of "pickled pigs knuckles and a fifth of vodka." Don't worry, our staff is way too professional to laugh until we cry when hearing this. Yeah, I live in the south...can't make this stuff up.

Also, you do not get an express pass out of the waiting room by being a frequent flier and crapping your pants....literally...in the lobby. However, I do appreciate the fact that you planned ahead and brought an extra change of clothes when masterminding this scheme at home. What you may not have bargained for was finally getting to a bed with a big fat psych eval waiting.
 
I just read this whole thread in one go and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. My emergency medicine rotation was nothing as interesting as this. I don't know how you guys talk to these people without cracking up, I'd be on the floor laughing.
 
Kedan said:
I just read this whole thread in one go and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. My emergency medicine rotation was nothing as interesting as this. I don't know how you guys talk to these people without cracking up, I'd be on the floor laughing.
Click to expand...

You didn't do any nights did you? I can guarantee that in any ED in America, between the hours of about 10pm and 5am, something from this thread has walked/been carted in.

How do we do it. Just for the record, I have cracked a smile once or twice while taking history (usually it's a psych patient that is so caught up in their story they don't see me smiling) but I quickly bite my lip. Then I come on here and share...
 
We did nights. We had the everyday MVA's or GSW's but no kitten breastfeeders or rectal insertions. The only "interesting" ones were the psychotics (not so much interesting as sad) and the manics...can't tell you how many times Jesus has stopped by the A&E. Almost as much as Britney Spears actually.
 
Hayduke said:
If you are not having satisfaction breast feeding your new infant, try your kitten. That chewed up nipple sporting a tense abscess has a certain creative symmetry with the perfectly even scratches around your areola.

And no, I don't think this is a mastitis you should "keep feeding through".
Click to expand...

Kittens have really sharp little teeth. Kitten teeth + nipples = DO NOT WANT. 😱
 
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If you are a 500-pound female and want to have sex, you can have YOUR SISTER hold your folds of abdominal fat up out of the way while your husband does the job...

A 500 pound woman came into the ER and found out she was pregnant. When the doctor asked how she was able to even have sex, she casually replied, "Oh my sister holds up my belly for me." (Rural Arkansas).
 
spacemummy said:
If you are a 500-pound female and want to have sex, you can have YOUR SISTER hold your folds of abdominal fat up out of the way while your husband does the job...

A 500 pound woman came into the ER and found out she was pregnant. When the doctor asked how she was able to even have sex, she casually replied, "Oh my sister holds up my belly for me." (Rural Arkansas).
Click to expand...

Oh, this happens in Virginia too! I moonlight in the nursery and had a similar revelation by a 450 lb woman and her skinny as a pole husband. How does that conversation with your sister even begin, that's what I want to know.
 
Two-fake = toothache

And if you're 21yo, living with your momma, and get a little abrasion on your hand, you are considered "injured" and can now live with your "baby-momma" for a while to be pampered.
 
willow18 said:
Two-fake = toothache

And if you're 21yo, living with your momma, and get a little abrasion on your hand, you are considered "injured" and can now live with your "baby-momma" for a while to be pampered.
Click to expand...

Haha, I say this all the time, but I call it a "Too-Fake" because that's what it usually is in an attempt to score narcs.
 
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