Things I Learn From My Patients

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On a lighter note...

If you call the emergency department, we cannot get you an ambulance. When you ask how to get an ambulance because you might have been "bit by a spider," my very patient secretary will tell you to call EMS. She will then inform you that EMS means 911.

Which is all well and good until you ask what the number to 911 is. Then she will bite her tongue much to the amusement of the doctors and nurses listening in and try not to laugh right into the phone.
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dchristismi said:
On a lighter note...

If you call the emergency department, we cannot get you an ambulance. When you ask how to get an ambulance because you might have been "bit by a spider," my very patient secretary will tell you to call EMS. She will then inform you that EMS means 911.

Which is all well and good until you ask what the number to 911 is. Then she will bite her tongue much to the amusement of the doctors and nurses listening in and try not to laugh right into the phone.
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There is a very good reason why its 9-1-1 not 9-11...people kept looking for the "11" button on the phone! :rolleyes:
 
Today I learned that with enough alcohol, and a total bili of 38, you can make yourself a front runner to be cast in the next Simpsons movie.
 
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Not in EM, but on the Emergency Response Team at work...7 steps to a good time.

1. Microwave Hot Pocket, paying no attention to recommended times or wattage of appliance.
2. Gaze with longing at boiling cheese-like sauce congealing onto microwave sleeve.
3. Pick up product and drop immediately onto counter, cursing finger burns.
4. Resolve to get every bit of cheese-sauce you paid for - Pick it up again, resist the burning finger tips, and LICK the bubbling cheese off the sleeve.
5. Drop food again, cursing and screaming for the burning sauce stuck to your tongue.
6. Decide the best way to remove flaming material is to quickly and erraticaly slice/scrape it off with nearby plastic knife, thereby giving yourself mutliple lacerations to the tongue and lips...
7. With bleeding tongue hanging out, deny everything to your manager (me) who observed the scenario from across the cafeteria, while someone calls for additional ERT assistance because you are bleeding all over the counter.

I can't wait to get out of this place...:rolleyes:
 
If you feel anxious and need to act out, wait until you know your parents will be coming home soon. Take off all of your clothes. Eat about half of a blue urinal cake like you do once in a while. Put it in your mouth, keep it there with half of it hanging out while masturbating. Put your penis in the half full gallon of ice cream. Continue masturbating when your family arrives home.


really adds a new dimension to questions like "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
 
kungfufishing said:
If you feel anxious and need to act out, wait until you know your parents will be coming home soon. Take off all of your clothes. Eat about half of a blue urinal cake like you do once in a while. Put it in your mouth, keep it there with half of it hanging out while masturbating. Put your penis in the half full gallon of ice cream. Continue masturbating when your family arrives home.


really adds a new dimension to questions like "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
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This guy got referred to psych, y/y?
 
kungfufishing said:
If you feel anxious and need to act out, wait until you know your parents will be coming home soon. Take off all of your clothes. Eat about half of a blue urinal cake like you do once in a while. Put it in your mouth, keep it there with half of it hanging out while masturbating. Put your penis in the half full gallon of ice cream. Continue masturbating when your family arrives home.


really adds a new dimension to questions like "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
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:lol: WHAT?!! :lol:
 
...swallowing your hearing aid is not only going to hurt, but will cause you to win yourself emergency endoscopy appt.
 
MacBook said:
...swallowing your hearing aid is not only going to hurt, but will cause you to win yourself emergency endoscopy appt.
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Why would... oh never mind. I know I'm not going to get an answer that makes sense. :p
 
emedpa said:
and whatever you do ladies, don't use a loaded firearm as a sex toy....
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Over on GAFF, a site that exists for the mockery of the very worst that fan fiction has to offer, there's a thread called "You Put WHAT Inside You?" dedicated to the various totally inappropriate things that fanfic authors have chosen for their characters to use as sex toys. You wouldn't believe the stuff that Luke Skywalker's done with the hilt of his lightsaber... not to mention the odd uses that Harry Potter found for flobberworms! :scared:
 
emedpa said:
and whatever you do ladies, don't use a loaded firearm as a sex toy....
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What was the out come. did the gun go off because she had her finger on the trigger? and how do you explan that? so many questions.

and one more WHY? :eek:
 
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emedpa said:
and whatever you do ladies, don't use a loaded firearm as a sex toy....
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We had that here a few years ago too! The lady had a gun fetish apparently but boyfriend forgot to unload it. Lots of jokes were made that night. It was a .22 so it bounced around and ended up in her pelvis. I want to say it went through her uterus along the way so maybe she took herself out of the gene pool.:thumbup::thumbup:
 
If you're having chronic dental pain because you have cavities that need to be filled, instead of randomly calling dentists and getting rejected because "That dentist doesn't take my insurance," try calling the 800 number on the back of your insurance card. (Yes, I know. Someone who actually carries dental insurance!) That way the nice people in customer service will direct you to a dentist in your area who takes your insurance, and you won't have to keep coming back to the ER for Percocet for that nasty tooth pain. :idea:

Of course, that will mean you'll need to come up with another chronic pain condition. :rolleyes:
 
I learned a new verb the other day.

This 15 yo kid was brought in to the ER the other day after being thoroughly beaten up but conscious with no permanent damage. Upon asking what had happened, he explained that "these two dudes had been grillin' him". I immediately became concerned that his extensive injuries were the result of Cheney-style interoggation, so I asked what they wanted to know. Apparently this was example of two people talking in English but obviously not speaking the same language.

grillin' : (verb) - the act of exposing the decorative metal plating covering one's teeth in a aggressive gesture meant to intimidate or challenge an adversary

The best part was when his mom arrived. The women was like an exaggerated cartoon stereotype. You gotta love it when a parent proudly brandishes a Gucci bag and sunglasses and loudly complains that her son's $2000 silver, gem-encrusted grill was cut off by EMS, but "can't afford" health insurance.

Now THAT's classy.
 
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If you are complaining of chest pain and SOB, and EMS is called, and they are loading you into the ambulance, this is NOT the time to ask if you can take your beer and nachos with you. Seriously. It's not.

Some people are just brilliant.
 
El Cheba said:
We had that here a few years ago too! The lady had a gun fetish apparently but boyfriend forgot to unload it. Lots of jokes were made that night. It was a .22 so it bounced around and ended up in her pelvis. I want to say it went through her uterus along the way so maybe she took herself out of the gene pool.:thumbup::thumbup:
Click to expand...

ours lived. very messy but nothing 3 surgeons(general/vascular/gyn) couldn't fix in about 4 hrs in the o.r......
 
Katydid said:
If you are complaining of chest pain and SOB, and EMS is called, and they are loading you into the ambulance, this is NOT the time to ask if you can take your beer and nachos with you. Seriously. It's not.

Some people are just brilliant.
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I had one like this the other day. Got a call to a guy with SVT, in major pain and he asked if he could smoke a cigarette before transport...:rolleyes:
 
silverhorse84 said:
I had one like this the other day. Got a call to a guy with SVT, in major pain and he asked if he could smoke a cigarette before transport...:rolleyes:
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Oh, gotta love 'em. This one was at the ballgame. And he was PISSED that he couldn't take his expensive ballpark nachos and beer with him! Dude, this ain't Sonic, there's no drive-thru service here.
 
If your girlfriend (who can't spell "mycology", much less know what it is) picks a mushroom in the front yard and gives it to you, by all means, eat it - raw and unwashed. When, 45 minutes later, you begin to vomit the first of 50 times, and then have the first episode of about 30 of diarrhea, perhaps you will remember the lesson of childhood: "If you don't know what it is, don't eat it!"

If that doesn't convince you, maybe the acute renal failure with a creatinine of 4.6, or the white count of 36.9 (with 47% bands), or the coagulopathy, or the blood pressure of 84 systolic after 3 liters of saline wide open will. Maybe.

(I positively identified the 'shroom as a 'false parasol' - Chlorophyllum molybdites, and is supposed to only make you feel dead, and not actually kill you, but this guy was pushing it.)
 
Apollyon said:
If your girlfriend (who can't spell "mycology", much less know what it is) picks a mushroom in the front yard and gives it to you, by all means, eat it - raw and unwashed. When, 45 minutes later, you begin to vomit the first of 50 times, and then have the first episode of about 30 of diarrhea, perhaps you will remember the lesson of childhood: "If you don't know what it is, don't eat it!"

If that doesn't convince you, maybe the acute renal failure with a creatinine of 4.6, or the white count of 36.9 (with 47% bands), or the coagulopathy, or the blood pressure of 84 systolic after 3 liters of saline wide open will. Maybe.

(I positively identified the 'shroom as a 'false parasol' - Chlorophyllum molybdites, and is supposed to only make you feel dead, and not actually kill you, but this guy was pushing it.)
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*looking at brain, due to much eye-rolling*

I learned a long, long time ago that it's not a good idea to eat just anything. Very bad things can happen if you do that, just not smart.

I'm guessing this one's a bit behind on the learning curve?
 
Ex-spouse (SMOTE-Stupidest Man On The Earth) actually tasted the white powder in a can that washed up on the Jesrey shore in 1975. Landlord wnet beachcombing after a big storm and found a lrge, baked bean type can wothout labels, marks, or identification. Upon opening there was a clear plastic bag with white powedr in it. Stupid tasted it-3 times, mind you- and declared in his most authoritative voice that he did not know what it was. neither did I - but I had my suspicions (which proved to be very wrong)- and was not tasting the unknown white powder.
After pouring it all out on the table (which to this day I still do not understand the 'why' for that action) we all heard a metallic 'thunk'. Discovering the brass coin in the pile of we discovered the nature of the white powder.
The coin was from some north jersey crematorium.So- mystery solved. We knew what the powder was- just not who. Important lesson learned- do not taste anything- or anyone- if you don't know the origin.
 
cls4n6 said:
The coin was from some north jersey crematorium.So- mystery solved. We knew what the powder was- just not who. Important lesson learned- do not taste anything- or anyone- if you don't know the origin.
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Particularly true for the "anyone" part, if I do say so myself.
 
cls4n6 said:
Ex-spouse (SMOTE-Stupidest Man On The Earth) actually tasted the white powder in a can that washed up on the Jesrey shore in 1975. Landlord wnet beachcombing after a big storm and found a lrge, baked bean type can wothout labels, marks, or identification. Upon opening there was a clear plastic bag with white powedr in it. Stupid tasted it-3 times, mind you- and declared in his most authoritative voice that he did not know what it was. neither did I - but I had my suspicions (which proved to be very wrong)- and was not tasting the unknown white powder.
After pouring it all out on the table (which to this day I still do not understand the 'why' for that action) we all heard a metallic 'thunk'. Discovering the brass coin in the pile of we discovered the nature of the white powder.
The coin was from some north jersey crematorium.So- mystery solved. We knew what the powder was- just not who. Important lesson learned- do not taste anything- or anyone- if you don't know the origin.
Click to expand...

This reminds me of the pilot episode of Red Dwarf, in which David Lister walks around the abandoned mining ship Red Dwarf sampling the little piles of power he finds lying around everywhere. These piles of powder turn out to be the remains of the rest of the crew, who were all killed in a massive radiation leak. Oops!
 
Hmm- well I do have the newspaer article about it. They scooped whomever back into the can and took it to the police on Long Beach Island- who delivered the person back out to sea, I believe. personally I always thought he went back via Kohler express.
 
something i learned a few days ago..

If you get into a "minor altercation," and suffer a severe orbital fracture with entrapment of yourextraocular muscles, and cannot gaze upwards (an awesome sight to see, it was), please don't think that you are going home on the same day, so that you can get dressed for your job interview.

it ain't happening.
 
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I work in Patient Financial Services, but we have to vent some times too!:)

1. Do not announce in my lobby full of patients that you have puss pockets on your kudar kitty and proceed to yank your blanket off when I step in the room to band you and say see I told you I have puss pockets on my kudar kitty! I am not paid enough to have to look.
2. Do not tell me that you do not have insurance and you do not have any money for a deposit when the phone you are yelling into cost more than my car payment for the month.
3. Do not tell me that you do not have money for a deposit when you were just at the snack machine when triage was calling your name.
4. Do not stare at me when you are waiting for me to finish your outpatient order, you will wait longer.
5. Do not tell me you are going to sue me when your kid has his hand shut in the sliding door when you were just making out with you baby's daddy in front of god and everybody while your kids runs wild.
6. Do not call me on the phone and ask me for Walmart's phone number and get pissed off when I don't tell you. Do I look like 411?
7. Do not ask me to watch you child while you go outside to smoke. Do I look like your baby sitter?


Just a few. Hope you enjoy!
 
Apollyon said:
He didn't look LD, and seemed pretty normal, but, still, couldn't account for why he ate it.
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Heh, just because he didn't look LD didn't mean he wasn't dumb as a fence post. Hell, I think the fence post would be smarter...
 
You really shouldn't let your 2 year-old run with keys. They might trip, fall, and take a key to the eye. This will result in an open globe requiring 4 hours in the OR to fix. Even then, its likely your child will end up blind in that eye. Very unfortunate.
 
Today I had a guy present to my desk saying that he wants his 16 month old child seen by the doctor. I tell him to fill out the registraion form. He states he will be right back, the mother is in the car brest feeding the child. He comes back 5 minutes later saying they will come back in a little while, they dont have all the information for the form. Ok.....what don't you know? The form has name, date of birth, social security number, reason for vist. You have had this child for 16 months...don't you think you would know its name and date of birth??? And why are people freely allowed to breed????????:eek:
 
KupKaKe said:
see I told you I have puss pockets on my kudar kitty!
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I just want to know what a kudar kitty is, so when my patient presents with that as their chief complaint, I will know where to look. I can guess. But please, enlighten me.
 
MeowMix said:
I just want to know what a kudar kitty is, so when my patient presents with that as their chief complaint, I will know where to look. I can guess. But please, enlighten me.
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Her virginia.
 
When your daily dose of methadone is 150mg and you like to supplement with diazepam, MS Contin, and Oxycontin, don't stand too close to the edge of the subway platform.

If you survive this (and she did, with all limbs still intact), when discharged from hospital, remind your husband, when he discovers the prescription from the hospital doc doesn't give you all the analgesics you were hoping for, to call my pharmacy assistant a "f*cking n*gger."

I mean, everybody knows when ignorant rednecks start screaming racial slurs, pharmacists respond by giving them all the Oxycontin they want.
 
I've spent a week reading this thread and learned many, many things. Among them, soda will burn your sinuses every time you sneeze it onto the monitor while reading this thread. Thanks for the laughs and the lessons.

A word on this situation, though:
EM2BE said:
When I volunteered in an ED, this was my favorite line of questions/answers with teenage females:

1. Is there any chance you could be pregnant? No.
2. Do you take birth control? No.
3. Do you have unprotected sex? Yes.
4. When was your LMP? 3 months ago.
5. Now, let me ask you again, is there any chance you could be pregnant? No, I told you that already.

:laugh:
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If you're a 28 yo female, no one asks you #3. Every urgent care facility/ER I've been to has assumed I'm active - I guess I'm just that sexy?

Anyway, when I arrived at the ER last year w/ massive vaginal bleeding and informed them that no, I'm not pregnant, no, I'm not on birth control, and my LMP (before the current one) was 3 months ago, the nice lady raised her eyebrow and said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

I smiled. "Don't you generally have to have sex with a man first?" Cue her noticing the intertwined Venus symbol earrings and the labrys tattoo. Light bulb goes on, everyone has a laugh.

I just wish they could note that in my chart somehow. Everyone who saw me that night kept apologizing because they assumed I was having a miscarriage. Still, everyone who treated me was wonderful.

Oh! That reminds me! I also learned on that visit that the ultrasound guys just cannot be trusted. A woman MUST be present during a transvag ultrasound to protect the patient's honor. You never know, those wild crazy men in ultrasound might actually enjoy the procedure a little too much. The vast quantity of blood pooled underneath the patient is just an extra turn-on. [/sarcasm]

Thanks for everything you do, and the next time I visit the ER, I will definitely order some pizzas on my way.
 
I work as Medical (Healthcare Interpreter). I cross the cultural divide back and forth whole day long

Dr "Hello, what is your main problem?"

Pt "Constipation, but I do not need any pills because enemas with my own urine works greas"

Dr "Interpreter, please try again....I think you made an error...it could not possibly be what you said it was"
 
Well geez, here's the Wiki entry. Because after all that, I had to go look it up too. (And I'm sure I'm not the only one.) Now we've all learned something today.


Labrys is the term for a doubleheaded axe, known to the Classical Greeks as pelekys (πέλεκυς)[1] or sagaris, and to the Romans as a bipennis.

The labrys symbolism is found in Minoan, Thracian, Greek, and Byzantine religion, mythology, and art, dating from the Middle Bronze Age onwards. The labrys also appears in African religious symbolism and mythology (see Shango).

The labrys was formerly a symbol of Greek fascism. Today it is sometimes used as a symbol of Hellenic Neopaganism. As an LGBT symbol it represents lesbianism and female or matriarchal power.
 
glad to hear I wasn't the only one who didn't know and had to look it up.
 
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