Things I Learn From My Patients

Discussion in 'Emergency Medicine' started by docB, May 2, 2003.

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  1. mepaRN

    mepaRN mepaRN

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    Occasionally you have a crap day. And then you hear about things like a raped 6month old boy, and you realise how much worse your day could have been. I truly hope that that man gets a taste of his own medicine in jail. And maybe worse. I am sorry that you had the terrible task of looking after this child.
     
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  3. Katydid

    Katydid 2+ Year Member

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    I'm speechless. Not in a good way. I have the desire to tap this message into that womb donor's head via Morse Code....with my Louisville Slugger.

    Please tell me that the police and social services have intervened.
     
  4. dchristismi

    dchristismi Gin and Tonic 10+ Year Member

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    On a lighter note...

    If you call the emergency department, we cannot get you an ambulance. When you ask how to get an ambulance because you might have been "bit by a spider," my very patient secretary will tell you to call EMS. She will then inform you that EMS means 911.

    Which is all well and good until you ask what the number to 911 is. Then she will bite her tongue much to the amusement of the doctors and nurses listening in and try not to laugh right into the phone.
     
  5. XTech

    XTech

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    There is a very good reason why its 9-1-1 not 9-11...people kept looking for the "11" button on the phone! :rolleyes:
     
  6. Drawing Dead

    Drawing Dead 2+ Year Member

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    Chicago
    Today I learned that with enough alcohol, and a total bili of 38, you can make yourself a front runner to be cast in the next Simpsons movie.
     
  7. Nic Dawson

    Nic Dawson 5+ Year Member

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    Not in EM, but on the Emergency Response Team at work...7 steps to a good time.

    1. Microwave Hot Pocket, paying no attention to recommended times or wattage of appliance.
    2. Gaze with longing at boiling cheese-like sauce congealing onto microwave sleeve.
    3. Pick up product and drop immediately onto counter, cursing finger burns.
    4. Resolve to get every bit of cheese-sauce you paid for - Pick it up again, resist the burning finger tips, and LICK the bubbling cheese off the sleeve.
    5. Drop food again, cursing and screaming for the burning sauce stuck to your tongue.
    6. Decide the best way to remove flaming material is to quickly and erraticaly slice/scrape it off with nearby plastic knife, thereby giving yourself mutliple lacerations to the tongue and lips...
    7. With bleeding tongue hanging out, deny everything to your manager (me) who observed the scenario from across the cafeteria, while someone calls for additional ERT assistance because you are bleeding all over the counter.

    I can't wait to get out of this place...:rolleyes:
     
  8. kungfufishing

    kungfufishing Senior Member 7+ Year Member

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    If you feel anxious and need to act out, wait until you know your parents will be coming home soon. Take off all of your clothes. Eat about half of a blue urinal cake like you do once in a while. Put it in your mouth, keep it there with half of it hanging out while masturbating. Put your penis in the half full gallon of ice cream. Continue masturbating when your family arrives home.


    really adds a new dimension to questions like "what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
     
  9. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

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    This guy got referred to psych, y/y?
     
  10. Kodak1138

    Kodak1138 Watching from Afar 5+ Year Member

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    :lol: WHAT?!! :lol:
     
  11. moonshade13

    moonshade13 2+ Year Member

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    May 21, 2007
    phoenix, az
  12. MacBook

    MacBook back in again... 2+ Year Member

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    ...swallowing your hearing aid is not only going to hurt, but will cause you to win yourself emergency endoscopy appt.
     
  13. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

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    Why would... oh never mind. I know I'm not going to get an answer that makes sense. :p
     
  14. emedpa

    emedpa GlobalDoc 10+ Year Member

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    Taking an Away team....
    and whatever you do ladies, don't use a loaded firearm as a sex toy....
     
  15. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

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    Over on GAFF, a site that exists for the mockery of the very worst that fan fiction has to offer, there's a thread called "You Put WHAT Inside You?" dedicated to the various totally inappropriate things that fanfic authors have chosen for their characters to use as sex toys. You wouldn't believe the stuff that Luke Skywalker's done with the hilt of his lightsaber... not to mention the odd uses that Harry Potter found for flobberworms! :scared:
     
  16. moonshade13

    moonshade13 2+ Year Member

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    phoenix, az

    What was the out come. did the gun go off because she had her finger on the trigger? and how do you explan that? so many questions.

    and one more WHY? :eek:
     
  17. El Cheba

    El Cheba New Member 5+ Year Member

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    Sadly Alabama
    We had that here a few years ago too! The lady had a gun fetish apparently but boyfriend forgot to unload it. Lots of jokes were made that night. It was a .22 so it bounced around and ended up in her pelvis. I want to say it went through her uterus along the way so maybe she took herself out of the gene pool.:thumbup::thumbup:
     
  18. fab4fan

    fab4fan TiredRetiredRN Gold Donor 10+ Year Member

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    If you're having chronic dental pain because you have cavities that need to be filled, instead of randomly calling dentists and getting rejected because "That dentist doesn't take my insurance," try calling the 800 number on the back of your insurance card. (Yes, I know. Someone who actually carries dental insurance!) That way the nice people in customer service will direct you to a dentist in your area who takes your insurance, and you won't have to keep coming back to the ER for Percocet for that nasty tooth pain. :idea:

    Of course, that will mean you'll need to come up with another chronic pain condition. :rolleyes:
     
  19. oompaloompa

    oompaloompa 0.20 Blood Caffiene level 10+ Year Member

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    Dallas, TX
    I learned a new verb the other day.

    This 15 yo kid was brought in to the ER the other day after being thoroughly beaten up but conscious with no permanent damage. Upon asking what had happened, he explained that "these two dudes had been grillin' him". I immediately became concerned that his extensive injuries were the result of Cheney-style interoggation, so I asked what they wanted to know. Apparently this was example of two people talking in English but obviously not speaking the same language.

    grillin' : (verb) - the act of exposing the decorative metal plating covering one's teeth in a aggressive gesture meant to intimidate or challenge an adversary

    The best part was when his mom arrived. The women was like an exaggerated cartoon stereotype. You gotta love it when a parent proudly brandishes a Gucci bag and sunglasses and loudly complains that her son's $2000 silver, gem-encrusted grill was cut off by EMS, but "can't afford" health insurance.

    Now THAT's classy.
     
  20. docB

    docB Chronically painful Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

    If you are shooting up and acidentally inject an air bubble don't rush into your nearest Denny's and try to cut your arm off with a knife to stop the bubble from killing you.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,414202,00.html

    Best line of article:
     
  21. Depakote

    Depakote Pediatric Anesthesiologist Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    I am clearly providing the wrong service.
     
  22. ShaneK

    ShaneK CollegeBound 2+ Year Member

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    That is hilarious! The world would be boring without such ignorant people.
     
  23. Katydid

    Katydid 2+ Year Member

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    Dec 31, 2007
    If you are complaining of chest pain and SOB, and EMS is called, and they are loading you into the ambulance, this is NOT the time to ask if you can take your beer and nachos with you. Seriously. It's not.

    Some people are just brilliant.
     
  24. leviathan

    leviathan Drinking from the hydrant Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

    That's the only part of the story that made me laugh out loud.
     
  25. emedpa

    emedpa GlobalDoc 10+ Year Member

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    Taking an Away team....
    ours lived. very messy but nothing 3 surgeons(general/vascular/gyn) couldn't fix in about 4 hrs in the o.r......
     
  26. silverhorse84

    silverhorse84 5+ Year Member

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    Mar 31, 2008

    I had one like this the other day. Got a call to a guy with SVT, in major pain and he asked if he could smoke a cigarette before transport...:rolleyes:
     
  27. Katydid

    Katydid 2+ Year Member

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    Dec 31, 2007
    Oh, gotta love 'em. This one was at the ballgame. And he was PISSED that he couldn't take his expensive ballpark nachos and beer with him! Dude, this ain't Sonic, there's no drive-thru service here.
     
  28. Apollyon

    Apollyon Screw the GST Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    If your girlfriend (who can't spell "mycology", much less know what it is) picks a mushroom in the front yard and gives it to you, by all means, eat it - raw and unwashed. When, 45 minutes later, you begin to vomit the first of 50 times, and then have the first episode of about 30 of diarrhea, perhaps you will remember the lesson of childhood: "If you don't know what it is, don't eat it!"

    If that doesn't convince you, maybe the acute renal failure with a creatinine of 4.6, or the white count of 36.9 (with 47% bands), or the coagulopathy, or the blood pressure of 84 systolic after 3 liters of saline wide open will. Maybe.

    (I positively identified the 'shroom as a 'false parasol' - Chlorophyllum molybdites, and is supposed to only make you feel dead, and not actually kill you, but this guy was pushing it.)
     
  29. Katydid

    Katydid 2+ Year Member

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    Dec 31, 2007
    *looking at brain, due to much eye-rolling*

    I learned a long, long time ago that it's not a good idea to eat just anything. Very bad things can happen if you do that, just not smart.

    I'm guessing this one's a bit behind on the learning curve?
     
  30. Apollyon

    Apollyon Screw the GST Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    He didn't look LD, and seemed pretty normal, but, still, couldn't account for why he ate it.
     
  31. cls4n6

    cls4n6 2+ Year Member

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    Ex-spouse (SMOTE-Stupidest Man On The Earth) actually tasted the white powder in a can that washed up on the Jesrey shore in 1975. Landlord wnet beachcombing after a big storm and found a lrge, baked bean type can wothout labels, marks, or identification. Upon opening there was a clear plastic bag with white powedr in it. Stupid tasted it-3 times, mind you- and declared in his most authoritative voice that he did not know what it was. neither did I - but I had my suspicions (which proved to be very wrong)- and was not tasting the unknown white powder.
    After pouring it all out on the table (which to this day I still do not understand the 'why' for that action) we all heard a metallic 'thunk'. Discovering the brass coin in the pile of we discovered the nature of the white powder.
    The coin was from some north jersey crematorium.So- mystery solved. We knew what the powder was- just not who. Important lesson learned- do not taste anything- or anyone- if you don't know the origin.
     
  32. exi

    exi 10+ Year Member

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    Particularly true for the "anyone" part, if I do say so myself.
     
  33. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

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    This reminds me of the pilot episode of Red Dwarf, in which David Lister walks around the abandoned mining ship Red Dwarf sampling the little piles of power he finds lying around everywhere. These piles of powder turn out to be the remains of the rest of the crew, who were all killed in a massive radiation leak. Oops!
     
  34. cls4n6

    cls4n6 2+ Year Member

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    Hmm- well I do have the newspaer article about it. They scooped whomever back into the can and took it to the police on Long Beach Island- who delivered the person back out to sea, I believe. personally I always thought he went back via Kohler express.
     
  35. docjolly

    docjolly On Cloud Nine, Once Again 10+ Year Member

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    The Empire State
    something i learned a few days ago..

    If you get into a "minor altercation," and suffer a severe orbital fracture with entrapment of yourextraocular muscles, and cannot gaze upwards (an awesome sight to see, it was), please don't think that you are going home on the same day, so that you can get dressed for your job interview.

    it ain't happening.
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2008
  36. I work in Patient Financial Services, but we have to vent some times too!:)

    1. Do not announce in my lobby full of patients that you have puss pockets on your kudar kitty and proceed to yank your blanket off when I step in the room to band you and say see I told you I have puss pockets on my kudar kitty! I am not paid enough to have to look.
    2. Do not tell me that you do not have insurance and you do not have any money for a deposit when the phone you are yelling into cost more than my car payment for the month.
    3. Do not tell me that you do not have money for a deposit when you were just at the snack machine when triage was calling your name.
    4. Do not stare at me when you are waiting for me to finish your outpatient order, you will wait longer.
    5. Do not tell me you are going to sue me when your kid has his hand shut in the sliding door when you were just making out with you baby's daddy in front of god and everybody while your kids runs wild.
    6. Do not call me on the phone and ask me for Walmart's phone number and get pissed off when I don't tell you. Do I look like 411?
    7. Do not ask me to watch you child while you go outside to smoke. Do I look like your baby sitter?


    Just a few. Hope you enjoy!
     
  37. Katydid

    Katydid 2+ Year Member

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    Heh, just because he didn't look LD didn't mean he wasn't dumb as a fence post. Hell, I think the fence post would be smarter...
     
  38. NateintheED

    NateintheED 5+ Year Member

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    You really shouldn't let your 2 year-old run with keys. They might trip, fall, and take a key to the eye. This will result in an open globe requiring 4 hours in the OR to fix. Even then, its likely your child will end up blind in that eye. Very unfortunate.
     
  39. Today I had a guy present to my desk saying that he wants his 16 month old child seen by the doctor. I tell him to fill out the registraion form. He states he will be right back, the mother is in the car brest feeding the child. He comes back 5 minutes later saying they will come back in a little while, they dont have all the information for the form. Ok.....what don't you know? The form has name, date of birth, social security number, reason for vist. You have had this child for 16 months...don't you think you would know its name and date of birth??? And why are people freely allowed to breed????????:eek:
     
  40. MeowMix

    MeowMix Explaining "Post-Call" 10+ Year Member

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    I just want to know what a kudar kitty is, so when my patient presents with that as their chief complaint, I will know where to look. I can guess. But please, enlighten me.
     


  41. Her virginia.
     
  42. Pharmavixen

    Pharmavixen foxy pharmacist 7+ Year Member

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    When your daily dose of methadone is 150mg and you like to supplement with diazepam, MS Contin, and Oxycontin, don't stand too close to the edge of the subway platform.

    If you survive this (and she did, with all limbs still intact), when discharged from hospital, remind your husband, when he discovers the prescription from the hospital doc doesn't give you all the analgesics you were hoping for, to call my pharmacy assistant a "f*cking n*gger."

    I mean, everybody knows when ignorant rednecks start screaming racial slurs, pharmacists respond by giving them all the Oxycontin they want.
     
  43. Cardinals

    Cardinals 7+ Year Member

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  44. Maryse

    Maryse 5+ Year Member

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    I've spent a week reading this thread and learned many, many things. Among them, soda will burn your sinuses every time you sneeze it onto the monitor while reading this thread. Thanks for the laughs and the lessons.

    A word on this situation, though:
    If you're a 28 yo female, no one asks you #3. Every urgent care facility/ER I've been to has assumed I'm active - I guess I'm just that sexy?

    Anyway, when I arrived at the ER last year w/ massive vaginal bleeding and informed them that no, I'm not pregnant, no, I'm not on birth control, and my LMP (before the current one) was 3 months ago, the nice lady raised her eyebrow and said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

    I smiled. "Don't you generally have to have sex with a man first?" Cue her noticing the intertwined Venus symbol earrings and the labrys tattoo. Light bulb goes on, everyone has a laugh.

    I just wish they could note that in my chart somehow. Everyone who saw me that night kept apologizing because they assumed I was having a miscarriage. Still, everyone who treated me was wonderful.

    Oh! That reminds me! I also learned on that visit that the ultrasound guys just cannot be trusted. A woman MUST be present during a transvag ultrasound to protect the patient's honor. You never know, those wild crazy men in ultrasound might actually enjoy the procedure a little too much. The vast quantity of blood pooled underneath the patient is just an extra turn-on. [/sarcasm]

    Thanks for everything you do, and the next time I visit the ER, I will definitely order some pizzas on my way.
     
  45. Apollyon

    Apollyon Screw the GST Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    Didn't know what it was, so I looked it up. My question would be, "What's up with the battle axe?"
     
  46. exi

    exi 10+ Year Member

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    Good, now I don't feel so clueless for also running to Wikipedia when I read that.
     
  47. Winged Scapula

    Winged Scapula Cougariffic! Staff Member Lifetime Donor SDN Chief Administrator 10+ Year Member

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    Ha ha...I did the same.:D
     
  48. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

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    So did I. :p
     
  49. MedInterpreter

    MedInterpreter

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    I work as Medical (Healthcare Interpreter). I cross the cultural divide back and forth whole day long

    Dr "Hello, what is your main problem?"

    Pt "Constipation, but I do not need any pills because enemas with my own urine works greas"

    Dr "Interpreter, please try again....I think you made an error...it could not possibly be what you said it was"
     
  50. Depakote

    Depakote Pediatric Anesthesiologist Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    same here.
     
  51. dchristismi

    dchristismi Gin and Tonic 10+ Year Member

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    Central Florida
    Well geez, here's the Wiki entry. Because after all that, I had to go look it up too. (And I'm sure I'm not the only one.) Now we've all learned something today.


    Labrys is the term for a doubleheaded axe, known to the Classical Greeks as pelekys (πέλεκυς)[1] or sagaris, and to the Romans as a bipennis.

    The labrys symbolism is found in Minoan, Thracian, Greek, and Byzantine religion, mythology, and art, dating from the Middle Bronze Age onwards. The labrys also appears in African religious symbolism and mythology (see Shango).

    The labrys was formerly a symbol of Greek fascism. Today it is sometimes used as a symbol of Hellenic Neopaganism. As an LGBT symbol it represents lesbianism and female or matriarchal power.
     

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